My First Sales Page! Criticize a Newb Anyone?

[jhall85]

i helped put together a product which is intended to be a free give away so the sales page is actually a soldout page and is mostly just for show.

since it isnt even seen in the sales process i was allowed to give the copy a try. i have done some studying on the subject but never actually wrote anything anyone would see.

if anyone would like to tell me that i suck or that maybe there is a hair of potential there it would be greatly appreciated. thanks!

i'm not sure if i am allowed to put my url so please let me know if this is against the rules.

Stealth Cash Method

the sales page doesnt go anywhere and none of the links or order buttons work. its simply for show.

[Loren Woirhaye]

Not bad at all - but since it's not for sale you aren't
subjecting it to a meaningful test.

I've seen the same general promise so many times
my eyes glaze-over - but you graphics and layout
are nice and your writing is concise.

If you are giving it away I would expect it to convert
well with this copy.

[jhall85]

Originally Posted by Loren Woirhaye

Not bad at all - but since it's not for sale you aren't
subjecting it to a meaningful test.

I've seen the same general promise so many times
my eyes glaze-over - but you graphics and layout
are nice and your writing is concise.

If you are giving it away I would expect it to convert
well with this copy.

thanks a lot! since it is a give-away product it generally goes straight to a "thanks for purchasing" page. we just wanted a sales page in case anyone went looking for it.

and trust me - my eyes glazed over while writing that same general promise. i just tried to remember all the stuff i read in books about the sales process.

anyway, i appreciate your input! thanks!

[Alexa Smith]

You might want to hyphenate "under-the-radar" since you're using it as an adjectival clause?

For myself, I would also definitely take away All The Capital Letters Beginning Words In The Headline Which I Suspect Add Nothing And Will Alienate Some Readers For Sure, But That's Only Personal Preference. It's a headline, after all, not a subject-line or title-line. Many people like to do this with sales-page headlines, and I imagine they're all doing it because everyone else does it, and everyone else does it because they assume that people have split-tested it and found that it helps. But I don't buy that, myself: I think you probably lose more than you gain. If Loren says otherwise, listen to him and not to me, though, because unlike me he always knows what he's talking about!

I think it's really good, though.

[procopywriter]

Originally Posted by jhall85

if anyone would like to tell me that i suck or that maybe there is a hair of potential there it would be greatly appreciated. thanks!

You don't need anyone to tell you that. You must decide that for yourself. I firmly believe you can become a master at anything you set your mind to. And conversely, you can suck at whatever you've decided you suck at. It's your choice.

For a first attempt, this is a very nice job and certainly better than most. You have more to learn (as do we all)... but you're on the right track.

Here's what to do if you're serious about becoming really good at this...

Write everyday.

Study great copy from world-class copywriters.

Study great writing.

Read books/courses/newsletters on copy.

Read books on writing.

Believe in yourself.

Get your copy out there and selling.

Have a second pair of eyes check your work.

Have a master critique your work from time to time.

Get a coach.

And remember: there is no such thing as a great writer. Only a great re-writer.

[TimSchaefer]

Maybe it's just me... but I have no idea what I'd be "buying" if in fact it were for sale.

I saw something in there about list building, more sales and a "plug and play" method... but that doesn't really tell me anything.

The reader doesn't learn anything about Jordan or why they should pay attention to him.

They don't learn how this method is different.

There isn't any proof. There are a couple of testimonials (you should split them up into their own boxes, btw), but they aren't very convincing.

It's all a bit empty. As if you wrote it based entirely on a vague, three-sentence description of the product.

I'm not saying this to beat up on you (okay, maybe a little). You show promise, but this ad's just not there yet. I wouldn't hold out hope for it converting (if it were made live) unless my traffic was chock full of naive newbs and desperate info junkies.

Now that you've made it this far, go back over the product, find out what makes it different and identify how it does the things you claim. Then go back and add some selling muscle to the copy.

Keep practicing and honing your chops. You'll only get better.

Tim

[seofairy]

Wow, that is the best advice I have seen anywhere about anything in a very long time! I am printing it as we speak and posting on my wall! Thank you! I know it wasn't intended for me personally but swiping is what I was taught to do!

[seofairy]

Originally Posted by TimSchaefer

Maybe it's just me... but I have no idea what I'd be "buying" if in fact it were for sale.

I saw something in there about list building, more sales and a "plug and play" method... but that doesn't really tell me anything.

The reader doesn't learn anything about Jordan or why they should pay attention to him.

They don't learn how this method is different.

There isn't any proof. There are a couple of testimonials (you should split them up into their own boxes, btw), but they aren't very convincing.

It's all a bit empty. As if you wrote it based entirely on a vague, three-sentence description of the product.

I'm not saying this to beat up on you (okay, maybe a little). You show promise, but this ad's just not there yet. I wouldn't hold out hope for it converting (if it were made live) unless my traffic was chock full of naive newbs and desperate info junkies.

Now that you've made it this far, go back over the product, find out what makes it different and identify how it does the things you claim. Then go back and add some selling muscle to the copy.

Keep practicing and honing your chops. You'll only get better.

Tim

Benefits? Benefits? Benefits? I struggle with this - my boss has stapled it to my forehead! I am a features fan and I think that is a struggle of a newb like me - but Benefits rules the day - and a story - tell a story!

[jhall85]

thanks for all the good advice! you guys are awesome

[bigcullie]

The words thanks for thank for your purchase totally confused me. You need to work on the title. I is good and clear, the basic layout and colour are good.

I do not like how you have used the times new roman font. I generally find that when people use that font they are beginners as it is the default font. Basically if they cannot change the font, they are new and don't know what they are doing.

But it is certainly clear, concise and straight to the point.

Gordon.