Does my direct mail piece need revisions?

[jdmitchell]

Thanks again to everyone who critiqued, and added their thoughts to my headline lastnight. I have been active on the main board, but now moving into the copywriting board, as I feel I have a natural writing talent that needs to be nutured.

That said, any comments and the etc.. would be cool. I wrote this piece from scratch in about 45 minutes, and I think is not bad. I knew my market, so didn't seem so hard.

Rip it apart please : )

JD.


Hi, could you please forward this email to the appropriate person. Please note that this is not spam, and it is important we speak with the person(s) in charge in marketing.

If we could increase your bottom line profits by 30%, while also reducing your advertising costs by 50% by only adding a small tweak to your current website, would you be willing to have a chat with us?

Our names are Mitch, and Ryan representing Solkor International based out of Alberta, and we are helping businesses like yours bust through the recession, and rise above the competition using the Internet as a free source of new customers. If reducing your current advertising budget, and actually getting MORE customers at the same time interests you, then this may be the most important email you will ever read. We know competition is tough today, and we ourselves have gone through similar struggles recently…

How can we compete without going broke, let alone have money to grow?

Are there ways of advertising for free that can bring in new customers?

Can we use the power of the Internet to create a constant stream of new leads?

Could our website be turning away potential customers, and we don’t even know it?


Little did we know where these questions would take us.

Due to our own struggles, and the resulting transformation, we are now able to offer your company some incredibly powerful, proven, and foolproof services such as:

• A hands off system that actively markets for you while you sleep
• An automated lead generation, and closing system that will attract new prospects and turn them into paying customers
• Website reconstruction to update your style, and increase your credibility
• Advanced SEO (Which basically means we can get your site in front of more people. More people = more money)
• Expert writing, so that your visitors are more influenced to stay on your site and buy (or contact you), instead moving on to your competitor.

We are a relatively new company and thus eager to prove ourselves to businesses like you. The ways in which we show this is by charging the lowest prices in the market (you can shop around), AND the highest quality. We want you to be so happy with our work, that you tell all of your friends. We even offer a 100% return on your investment if we cannot increase your business by at least 30%. And to also thank you for your time, we will also pay you $500 for every happy client you happen to send to us.

We are currently setting up appointments for the week of February 16 –27, and would like to know if you are interested in setting up a time to meet for further discussion. Since we are a small team of dedicated professionals, we only have a limited number of companies we can work with at a given time. If you are interested, we advise you contact us within the next 4 days to set up an appointment. Our meetings are short, and the main purpose is to see if we could be a good fit together. Please contact us by February 14th, by either:

Giving us a call at: (780) 499 9950 to schedule a time to meet.

Or

Reply to this email with the subject line: Request for free consultation

We thank you for reading this letter, and trust you see the value in taking advantage of some of the newest, and most exciting online marketing strategies for small businesses.

Looking forward to your interest,

Mitchell Miller
Ryan Demchuk c/o

Solkor International
Banff, AB

solkor.international@gmail.com

www.solkor.biz


P.S – Remember to contact us in the next 4 days to book your spot for the next batch of projects, and that none of this actually require that you have any computer knowledge whatsoever.

[Loren Woirhaye]

To my eye the "voice" is off. You don't speak to the
reader's self-interest quickly or emphatically enough...
and you start off planting the idea that it IS JUNK MAIL.

Anyway, direct mail is tricky stuff. If you haven't read
Ted Nicholas's book "Magic Words That Bring You Riches"
it deals with how to approach businesses and have them
begging for your help... using the mail.

Also Jeffrey Lant's book "Cash Copy" would be a worthwhile
investment for you.

You aren't a bad writer, you're just shooting at the wrong
target.

Just my opinion.

[Justin Mandel]

Unfortunately while you may or may not have natural writing ability that does not necessarily mean that it will contribute to writing a successful email that gets results.

Judging by this IMHO you will not achieve the results you want.

If you are sending this to a warm or cold email list this most likely would not get forwarded to the proper person since it just sounds "off".

For example it almost seems like you are nicely pleading for the reader to send it along by writing "please" twice within the first 2 sentences.

Also since you are emailing this to them you are not "speaking" to them since they are reading it.

And by telling them outright that it is not spam automatically makes them question whether it is or is not.

If you can't get this to start out right don't you think they will delete it without having read any more of it - which I will assume is also not quite rightly written?

If you were calling someone and this was a phone script don't you think they would hang up on you?

Don't take it personally, just improve on it, best of luck!

Originally Posted by jdmitchell

Hi, could you please forward this email to the appropriate person. Please note that this is not spam, and it is important we speak with the person(s) in charge in marketing.

[Kyle Tully]

Originally Posted by jdmitchell

Hi, could you please forward this email to the appropriate person. Please note that this is not spam, and it is important we speak with the person(s) in charge in marketing.

And... you've lost them.

If you can't go to the trouble of finding out the name of the person you want to speak to then why on earth would anyone else go to the trouble of doing it for you?

[jdmitchell]

I understand completley now. Announcing this is not spam raises a red flag, and plants the idea in the head of the prospect. And also shows I have not put in the effort to track down the name of the person I am wishing to contact. Says all the wrong things about us, and also a scarcity mentality.

****. It can be hard to step outside your own brain. Thanks for the tips, and I hope to see more coming.

JD.

[procopywriter]

Good points all around. Loren particularly was hitting the nail on the head when he implied you use postal mail rather than email to initiate contact.

People are very touchy about email these days. Any kind of cold email that even hints of commercial intent is considered spam. I avoid it like the plague because it sends the wrong message--that you're cheap and lazy.

(Opt-in emails are different. I'm not talking that--I'm talking about sending a cold email to someone you've never met and who never requested information from you.)

Instead, use the mail.

Here's what I recommend: write up a report centered around what you intend to help these businesses with. Show them a few tips how to do it, include some case studies or testimonials (even if it's your own story) to support what you're talking about. Include a call to action to set up a free, no obligation consultation.

Then, send a postcard with a hand-written address and live stamp offering the report for free.

This is much better positioning, will instantly boost your perceived value, and will generate better results.

Aaron

[notatechie]

I would second Jeffrey Lant's book, Cash Copy. I picked it up at the local used bookstore.

Also, a life changing book for me is, Being Direct by Lester Wunderman. There are great golden nuggets about wording, psychology, etc.

Best of luck, would love to hear about the response.

Theresa