critique my clickbank site

COLDKALL · 02-11-2009, 11:08 PM

I just got finished writing my clickbank website.

thank you very much.
demoned bikes dot com

no spaces

procopywriter · 02-12-2009, 12:28 AM

If you make a sale, it will simply be a fanatic hobbyist who buys everything.

Since you're a hobbyist yourself, you're probably appealing to right desires (speed & power). But your headline is a bit awkward and convoluted. It can certainly be more elegantly stated.

One part that really caused me to pause was "Exotic Exhaust Pipes". The "Ex"...."Ex"... sound is awkward to say and awkward to see in print. I always try to maintain momentum and flow and not let odd combinations, odd words, or odd sounds, interrupt the "greased slide".

Your design and layout leaves a lot to be desired.

You make the classic mistake of starting out talking about yourself. There is a place to tell your story... but you almost never start with that. The only time you'd start with your story is if you have a REALLY fascinating story to tell.

The bullets are dry and bland. I can only imagine what juicy possibilities are there! You have the opportunity to create some fun, engaging--even edgy--copy with this product and niche.

Also... you need a different URL. "DemonedBikes" doesn't exactly roll off the tongue. (And since the "ed" is silent, it could easily be misconstrued.) Try "DemonizedBikes" or some other combination that sounds better and is easier to remember.

This would be a fun project to write for! You could really get edgy and into the emotion and excitement with this sort of audience!

COLDKALL · 02-12-2009, 10:36 AM

Can you be a bit more specific? I know you are a crack copy writer who charges 400 dollars per hour here but can you give me some pointers on what to change and how.

Loren Woirhaye · 02-12-2009, 11:02 AM

why not just call him up man? He's not gonna shake
you down for $400 an hour. He's given you valid pointers
here and you are basically asking him to rewrite your
letter for free. I wouldn't and Joshua shouldn't either -
but I bet he'll be willing to work out something with you
that gets you results and isn't asking a pro to work for nothing.

COLDKALL · 02-12-2009, 11:14 AM

I didn't ask for "free work"
I guess i'll contact him and see if i can deal.

procopywriter · 02-13-2009, 04:03 AM

Hi, Coldkall...

The best advice I can give you is to either hire a good professional (if you can afford it)... or, spend every spare minute you've got learning how to write copy. There are plenty of free online resources to get you started, such as...

Clayton Makepeace's Total Package (TONS of archived articles, every one of them worth reading.)

Gary Halbert's volumes and volumes of newsletters free for the taking.

Gary Bencivenga's Bullets.

And countless free blogs by all kinds of top copywriters. But the above is enough to keep you busy for a while!

Do a google search and these will come up.

TheMagicShow · 02-13-2009, 04:45 AM

I have looked over your sales letter and here are my observations:

1. You are making this sales letter mostly about you, no matter how great you may be, people don't care to read about you or even me. They are interested in themselves and how they can get ahead and benefit from your product.
2. I see no testimonials/credibility in your sales letter, you need to build trust with your readers.
3. You are using way too many different colors in your text, this can take attention away from your copy, stick with 1-2 colors.
4. The layout of your sales letter is a bit awkward, you have too much white space in the area "what this ebook will show you"
5. I see no p.s anywhere , as Aaron said, the best copywriters use a killer headline and they also produce nice p.s towards the end of their copy.
6. You need to give as much information to educate the potential buyer on what your product is all about, and then use Faqs. You seem to have Faqs way up there and kinda early in your copy.

Good luck with your venture.

P.S - I'd hire a professional copywriter if I was you, it can help your sales tremendously, if not, then get some books on copywriting and start reading and implementing.

Josh Lobley · 02-13-2009, 07:03 AM

I say congratulations on having a go.
I'm a beginner and I struggle to take action and get pages online.
Many stay in Dreamweaver.

Take the advice and read more - improve your copy and design and reap better conv %

robinpike · 02-21-2009, 10:47 PM

Yeah... I just tried and it says forbidden... I thought maybe it was my computer but looks like someone else tried and got the same thing. I hope the above comments didn't change your mind ... or hopefully it is offline to make it even better!! Keep the faith and believe in yourself!!
Robin :-)

02-11-2009, 11:08 PM	#1
COLDKALL Active Warrior Join Date: Jan 2009 Posts: 61 Thanks: 1 Thanked 10 Times in 2 Posts Social Networking	critique my clickbank site I just got finished writing my clickbank website. thank you very much. demoned bikes dot com no spaces

02-12-2009, 12:28 AM	#2
procopywriter Joshua Aaron Stanley Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: Redondo Beach, CA Posts: 137 Thanks: 1 Thanked 34 Times in 30 Posts Social Networking	Re: critique my clickbank site If you make a sale, it will simply be a fanatic hobbyist who buys everything. Since you're a hobbyist yourself, you're probably appealing to right desires (speed & power). But your headline is a bit awkward and convoluted. It can certainly be more elegantly stated. One part that really caused me to pause was "Exotic Exhaust Pipes". The "Ex"...."Ex"... sound is awkward to say and awkward to see in print. I always try to maintain momentum and flow and not let odd combinations, odd words, or odd sounds, interrupt the "greased slide". Your design and layout leaves a lot to be desired. You make the classic mistake of starting out talking about yourself. There is a place to tell your story... but you almost never start with that. The only time you'd start with your story is if you have a REALLY fascinating story to tell. The bullets are dry and bland. I can only imagine what juicy possibilities are there! You have the opportunity to create some fun, engaging--even edgy--copy with this product and niche. Also... you need a different URL. "DemonedBikes" doesn't exactly roll off the tongue. (And since the "ed" is silent, it could easily be misconstrued.) Try "DemonizedBikes" or some other combination that sounds better and is easier to remember. This would be a fun project to write for! You could really get edgy and into the emotion and excitement with this sort of audience!
	Joshua Aaron Stanley, The 'Spiritual' Copywriter: Breakthrough Response Rates Without The Hype Free eBook & Blog: Spiritual Copy

02-12-2009, 10:36 AM	#3
COLDKALL Active Warrior Join Date: Jan 2009 Posts: 61 Thanks: 1 Thanked 10 Times in 2 Posts Social Networking	Re: critique my clickbank site Can you be a bit more specific? I know you are a crack copy writer who charges 400 dollars per hour here but can you give me some pointers on what to change and how.

02-12-2009, 11:02 AM	#4
Loren Woirhaye Who'm I kidding? War Room Member Join Date: May 2006 Location: Easthampton, Massachusetts Posts: 4,542 Blog Entries: 15 Thanks: 117 Thanked 904 Times in 651 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: critique my clickbank site why not just call him up man? He's not gonna shake you down for $400 an hour. He's given you valid pointers here and you are basically asking him to rewrite your letter for free. I wouldn't and Joshua shouldn't either - but I bet he'll be willing to work out something with you that gets you results and isn't asking a pro to work for nothing.
	HOT! $25,000,000/yr Copywriter's Secret Book—FREE! \| The "Automated Free Traffic Formula" ArticleBot Secrets Revealed! Breakthrough Marketing Blog (+ goodies) CopyWriting Services

02-12-2009, 11:14 AM	#5
COLDKALL Active Warrior Join Date: Jan 2009 Posts: 61 Thanks: 1 Thanked 10 Times in 2 Posts Social Networking	Re: critique my clickbank site I didn't ask for "free work" I guess i'll contact him and see if i can deal.

02-13-2009, 04:03 AM	#6
procopywriter Joshua Aaron Stanley Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: Redondo Beach, CA Posts: 137 Thanks: 1 Thanked 34 Times in 30 Posts Social Networking	Re: critique my clickbank site Hi, Coldkall... The best advice I can give you is to either hire a good professional (if you can afford it)... or, spend every spare minute you've got learning how to write copy. There are plenty of free online resources to get you started, such as... Clayton Makepeace's Total Package (TONS of archived articles, every one of them worth reading.) Gary Halbert's volumes and volumes of newsletters free for the taking. Gary Bencivenga's Bullets. And countless free blogs by all kinds of top copywriters. But the above is enough to keep you busy for a while! Do a google search and these will come up.
	Joshua Aaron Stanley, The 'Spiritual' Copywriter: Breakthrough Response Rates Without The Hype Free eBook & Blog: Spiritual Copy

02-13-2009, 04:45 AM	#7
TheMagicShow Success Is No Illusion! War Room Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: , , . Posts: 3,764 Blog Entries: 1 Thanks: 41 Thanked 109 Times in 78 Posts	Re: critique my clickbank site I have looked over your sales letter and here are my observations: 1. You are making this sales letter mostly about you, no matter how great you may be, people don't care to read about you or even me. They are interested in themselves and how they can get ahead and benefit from your product. 2. I see no testimonials/credibility in your sales letter, you need to build trust with your readers. 3. You are using way too many different colors in your text, this can take attention away from your copy, stick with 1-2 colors. 4. The layout of your sales letter is a bit awkward, you have too much white space in the area "what this ebook will show you" 5. I see no p.s anywhere , as Aaron said, the best copywriters use a killer headline and they also produce nice p.s towards the end of their copy. 6. You need to give as much information to educate the potential buyer on what your product is all about, and then use Faqs. You seem to have Faqs way up there and kinda early in your copy. Good luck with your venture. P.S - I'd hire a professional copywriter if I was you, it can help your sales tremendously, if not, then get some books on copywriting and start reading and implementing.
	" You can either give a man a fish and feed him for a day OR teach him how to catch a fish and it will feed him for a lifetime"

02-13-2009, 07:03 AM	#8
Josh Lobley Curious Warrior War Room Member Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Australia Posts: 26 Thanks: 11 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: critique my clickbank site I say congratulations on having a go. I'm a beginner and I struggle to take action and get pages online. Many stay in Dreamweaver. Take the advice and read more - improve your copy and design and reap better conv %

02-21-2009, 10:47 PM	#9
robinpike HyperActive Warrior War Room Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: Raleigh, North Carolina Posts: 109 Thanks: 241 Thanked 13 Times in 12 Posts Social Networking	Re: critique my clickbank site Yeah... I just tried and it says forbidden... I thought maybe it was my computer but looks like someone else tried and got the same thing. I hope the above comments didn't change your mind ... or hopefully it is offline to make it even better!! Keep the faith and believe in yourself!! Robin :-)