Bash it-Please critique my salespage

Kamran · 02-16-2009, 02:07 PM

Warriors, I need your help. Please critique my salespage. Let me know what changes i can make to make it better. I will appreciate all the suggestion and i will take all of them seriously.

Here is the website: New Article Marketing Revolution

Pleease Don't hesitate to offend me and beat this website to submission.

Thanks,
Kamran

Scott Murdaugh · 02-16-2009, 03:41 PM

First thing, headline.

Quote:

You're just seconds away from discovering the Most Mind Blowing, Stomach Twisting, Jealously guarded Traffic secret that a Marketer used to generate 1,276,220 Laser Targeted Traffic to his articles with Very Little effort

"used to generate 1,276,220 laser targeted traffic to his articles" doesn't make any sense.

Second, what's the real benefit here? Traffic? Or money? So why not tell the reader what the traffic surge translated into $$$ wise, because really that's the main benefit.

Also your P.S.'s, there's too many, and they're pretty weak.

If I'm reading a sales page, I'll read the headline, and scroll down to the P.S. like I just did...

Quote:

P.S. You don't really know what you are missing if you don't act today! Give my technique a try and see for yourself why others are helped by this new breakthrough!

..And that doesn't tell me anything at all about the product, the benefits, or what's in it for me.

Headline needs work, P.S.'s need work, I didn't look at anything else.

-Scott

FitJerk · 02-16-2009, 06:57 PM

Scott's got it bang on...

"generate 1,276,220 Laser Targeted Traffic to his articles"

Should be: "...generate 1,276,220 Laser Targeted Leads to his articles"

And if these leads are so laser-targeted... then were is the proof of screen shot? Where are the proof of sales?

If you had over a MILLION visits, then that means that even if your sales page converted at 0.5%, you would have had ~6381 sales... x $47 = $299,860

Show me that proof and I'll believe you.

travlinguy · 02-16-2009, 07:00 PM

Speaking of 'laser targeted,' that phrase is getting pretty worn out...

procopywriter · 02-17-2009, 02:33 AM

Yes... good points so far. Copy is very awkward and needs a lot of work.

The headline is too long and convoluted. Why is the capitalization inconsistent? "Mind Blowing" is just as worn out as "Laser Targeted". "Stomach Twisting" doesn't make any sense in this context. (These phrases function as adjectives in the sentence. To make your copy hypnotic, focus on using stronger verbs... not stronger adjectives.)

You also need a bit more specificity in the headline. What "Marketer"? Who? What do you mean by "Very Little Effort"?

The first sentence is just as awkward. I didn't get beyond that. Concentrate on making your copy flow effortlessly, like Joe Sugarman's "greased slide."

Kamran · 02-17-2009, 01:32 PM

Thanks a lot guys. I appreciate the time you took to respond. So, I need to work on my headline and my PS.
As for headline, how about

"If You Knew How To Easily Create One Article That Gets 1,276,220 page views...

If You Knew How To Create That Article In Just 30 minutes...

If You Knew That This Article Would Be Putting Cash In Your Pocket Within A Day...

HOW MANY ARTICLES WOULD YOU WRITE?"

This is the modified headline of niche marketing on crack, I am not sure if it is legal to do this. Please give me your opinion on this headline.

VizeBoogie · 02-18-2009, 02:38 PM

seems a little excessive on the capitalization.

colmodwyer · 02-18-2009, 06:48 PM

Your header graphic seems a little over the top and distracts from the stuff that actually does the selling.

There is smidgens of really good copy in your sales letter, but it looks as though you are using it, without really knowing the why. It's like you've went on Clickbank and started pulling phrases that sound cool.

You've got the problem/solution structure going which is good. And empathy is there too. But there's work to be done for sure.

You need to really bring the payoff home as well, the "what's in it for me" is basically becoming a better article marketer... Tell me what that REALLY means to me...

Independence, freedom, not having to juggle bank account balances, being able to buy a car that's not about to fall apart, living life on my terms, finally having a real business, being a guru and all the other usual suspects.

Colm

Bruce NewMedia · 02-19-2009, 07:38 PM

OK, here goes: Bad font for headline. I'd replace with Verdana for instance.

You make big over-the-top claims and offer absolutely NO PROOF - NOTHING.

Why not show a sample article in Ezine Articles and the number of views and CTR. with screen caps.

The testimonials are weak particularly the second: " I got a few gems" he says???

I'd agree with others that the copy needs a lot of re-writing.

For instance you don't tell a story at all.
First, you say you know how hard it is to get articles to rank, then a few paragraphs later, you're claiming you know how to conquer all these problems??

No explanation for how you know what you know. What happened? Your credentials are what?

The loud header btw competes with the headline for attention, which is not good.
Hope this helps,
______
Bruce

David.Beckman · 02-22-2009, 06:53 PM

It seems like your sales letter jumps and ances all over the place and I had to really concentrate to try and omplete it - thats no good - there no intrigue, no excitment, no secret, I feel like your telling me something I already know, great!

You want people to be consumed by your letter and want to continue readng to he end with cash in hand halfway down the age, just waiting for you to ask.

Also show me how this works and layer on the proof

Show me people like me who this has worked for.

02-16-2009, 02:07 PM	#1
Kamran kamranchowdhury.com War Room Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Dubai, UAE Posts: 473 Blog Entries: 2 Thanks: 70 Thanked 187 Times in 68 Posts	Bash it-Please critique my salespage Warriors, I need your help. Please critique my salespage. Let me know what changes i can make to make it better. I will appreciate all the suggestion and i will take all of them seriously. Here is the website: New Article Marketing Revolution Pleease Don't hesitate to offend me and beat this website to submission. Thanks, Kamran
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02-16-2009, 06:57 PM	#3
FitJerk Envied By The Masses... Join Date: Nov 2008 Posts: 159 Thanks: 3 Thanked 45 Times in 17 Posts Social Networking	Re: Please critique my salespage Scott's got it bang on... "generate 1,276,220 Laser Targeted Traffic to his articles" Should be: "...generate 1,276,220 Laser Targeted Leads to his articles" And if these leads are so laser-targeted... then were is the proof of screen shot? Where are the proof of sales? If you had over a MILLION visits, then that means that even if your sales page converted at 0.5%, you would have had ~6381 sales... x $47 = $299,860 Show me that proof and I'll believe you.
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02-16-2009, 07:00 PM	#4
travlinguy Senior Warrior Member War Room Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: Northern Hemisphere, for now. Posts: 2,441 Thanks: 980 Thanked 1,233 Times in 737 Posts Contact Info	Re: Please critique my salespage Speaking of 'laser targeted,' that phrase is getting pretty worn out...
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02-17-2009, 02:33 AM	#5
procopywriter Joshua Aaron Stanley Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: Redondo Beach, CA Posts: 137 Thanks: 1 Thanked 34 Times in 30 Posts Social Networking	Re: Please critique my salespage Yes... good points so far. Copy is very awkward and needs a lot of work. The headline is too long and convoluted. Why is the capitalization inconsistent? "Mind Blowing" is just as worn out as "Laser Targeted". "Stomach Twisting" doesn't make any sense in this context. (These phrases function as adjectives in the sentence. To make your copy hypnotic, focus on using stronger verbs... not stronger adjectives.) You also need a bit more specificity in the headline. What "Marketer"? Who? What do you mean by "Very Little Effort"? The first sentence is just as awkward. I didn't get beyond that. Concentrate on making your copy flow effortlessly, like Joe Sugarman's "greased slide."
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02-17-2009, 01:32 PM	#6
Kamran kamranchowdhury.com War Room Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Dubai, UAE Posts: 473 Blog Entries: 2 Thanks: 70 Thanked 187 Times in 68 Posts	Re: Please critique my salespage Thanks a lot guys. I appreciate the time you took to respond. So, I need to work on my headline and my PS. As for headline, how about "If You Knew How To Easily Create One Article That Gets 1,276,220 page views... If You Knew How To Create That Article In Just 30 minutes... If You Knew That This Article Would Be *Putting Cash In Your Pocket* Within A Day... HOW MANY ARTICLES WOULD YOU WRITE?"** This is the modified headline of niche marketing on crack, I am not sure if it is legal to do this. Please give me your opinion on this headline.
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02-18-2009, 02:38 PM	#7
VizeBoogie Warrior Member Join Date: Feb 2009 Posts: 5 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	Re: Bash it-Please critique my salespage seems a little excessive on the capitalization.

02-18-2009, 06:48 PM	#8
colmodwyer Raider Of The Lost Fart War Room Member Join Date: May 2006 Location: Baltimore, MD Posts: 1,534 Thanks: 43 Thanked 140 Times in 79 Posts	Re: Bash it-Please critique my salespage Your header graphic seems a little over the top and distracts from the stuff that actually does the selling. There is smidgens of really good copy in your sales letter, but it looks as though you are using it, without really knowing the why. It's like you've went on Clickbank and started pulling phrases that sound cool. You've got the problem/solution structure going which is good. And empathy is there too. But there's work to be done for sure. You need to really bring the payoff home as well, the "what's in it for me" is basically becoming a better article marketer... Tell me what that REALLY means to me... Independence, freedom, not having to juggle bank account balances, being able to buy a car that's not about to fall apart, living life on my terms, finally having a real business, being a guru and all the other usual suspects. Colm

02-19-2009, 07:38 PM	#9
Bruce NewMedia www.OfflineAdvance.com War Room Member Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: Chicago Posts: 2,005 Thanks: 1,272 Thanked 573 Times in 314 Posts	Re: Bash it-Please critique my salespage OK, here goes: Bad font for headline. I'd replace with Verdana for instance. You make big over-the-top claims and offer absolutely NO PROOF - NOTHING. Why not show a sample article in Ezine Articles and the number of views and CTR. with screen caps. The testimonials are weak particularly the second: " I got a few gems" he says??? I'd agree with others that the copy needs a lot of re-writing. For instance you don't tell a story at all. First, you say you know how hard it is to get articles to rank, then a few paragraphs later, you're claiming you know how to conquer all these problems?? No explanation for how you know what you know. What happened? Your credentials are what? The loud header btw competes with the headline for attention, which is not good. Hope this helps, ______ Bruce

02-22-2009, 06:53 PM	#10
David.Beckman Warrior Member Join Date: Feb 2009 Posts: 23 Thanks: 0 Thanked 3 Times in 3 Posts	Re: Bash it-Please critique my salespage It seems like your sales letter jumps and ances all over the place and I had to really concentrate to try and omplete it - thats no good - there no intrigue, no excitment, no secret, I feel like your telling me something I already know, great! You want people to be consumed by your letter and want to continue readng to he end with cash in hand halfway down the age, just waiting for you to ask. Also show me how this works and layer on the proof Show me people like me who this has worked for.