Throw me to the cows, crows, or dogs

[zendolphin]

I am looking for HONEST feedback on the sales letter, Ideas, suggestions, improvements, questions.
This is my second site and my 1st real sales letter. get yer critqueing sticks out cause your going to need them. one quick point, the formating is being taken care of. its bug that showed up an hr ago. so im working on it.

but Beat away
raising capital secrets. com

suggetions on the optin page if you click free report.


thanks so much gang!

[travlinguy]

A couple of things. Your copy needs editing. If you're talking about raising big money, it's best your text is as clean as it can be. There were a few punctuation errors that stood out when I scanned over it.

One other thing, and please don't be offended. If you're talking about showing people how to raise big money, put a suit on for your picture. I realize that in the real world not all of the movers and shakers wear suits. But in this context I think it would be best. Look at it this way, no one is going to be critical of a big money guy wearing a suit, but you're certainly going to have visitors who will be critical (and skeptical) of a guy NOT wearing one. Good luck!

[Justin Mandel]

I didn't read the copy, but the layout is real messy to the point where it is not easy to read.

Also, the pic on the sales letter should be professional especially if you are trying to teach people about raising business capital.

I'm also not overly impressed with the sound of a "one sentence business plan" to the point where I would'nt want to go to all of that effort to opt-in just for 1 single sentence.

Lastly your legal information should go at the very bottom of the page.

Best of luck!

[Scott Murdaugh]

I agree about the design sucking.

Also, your headline is as far as I read, here's why...

What Could Your Business Do, With An Extra Million Dollars In The Bank? You’re About To Discover What 99% Of All Other Business Owners Will Never Learn About Raising All The Cash You Will Ever Need.

I've owned offline businesses. This would be something I may have been interested in at one point in my life... But not with that headline...

It's generic and hyped up. If I listened to everyone who promised me "a million dollars in the bank" or teaching me something that "99% of people will never know" I'd have to spend my whole life reading sales letters.

So, how do you overcome being generic, overly hyped with no claims to back it up, and pull me into the copy?

For this example I'd probably go with a story. If you've helped people I'm sure you have one.

Something like "How A Struggling Entrepreneur Took His Coffee Shop From Being Broke And Facing Certain Failure To Generating Over $442,498 In Less Than One Month And How You Can Use His ExperienceTo Save Your Business..."

That's not great and it's off the top of my head. If I where writing it I'd spend probably a few hours coming up with different headlines until I found one I really like, because it's THAT important.

And until the headline isn't broken, and the page is presented in a readable format, I wouldn't worry about the rest of it.

Hope that helps.

-Scott

[Storyman]

Looked at the page. Didn't read it. Your layout makes it difficult to read. Someone has to be really committed. Layout doesn't even lend its self to scanning, much less skimming.

[BrianMcLeod]

Ok... You asked for it.

No one will ever read this letter.

The layout / design is too cheap looking, too unsophisticated, and wholly incongruent with a site about raising capital. So much so that I didn't even want to read the HEADLINE.

But I did... and it's merely generic, non-specific puffing.

99% is almost always a terrible percentage to use. It's not believable, because it's usually completely made up out of thin air...

FAIL.

My suggestion? Raise the capital to hire someone.

And I'm not (only) acting like some cocky jerk here -- you are a very long way from ok with this.

My unfortunate prognosis is that this one's doomed without immediate professional intervention.

Best,

Brian <- the bringer of smiles, flowers, and happy thoughts

[zendolphin]

Thank you guys for the awesome replies.

I am new to the Internet side of things, and have not figured out the best leverage points. too cheep looking? Great, ill spend some money there. Have heard ugly is in sometimes.
Terrible headline. Awesome. Didn’t like it either now I have some great directions to go with it.
"Immediate professional intervention" Perfect! Suggestions?
I have run a number of businesses. and I always look for where the leverage points are. Though learning copy the good ole way of writing it and seeing what sucks, is one way. I would certainly like to know who to go to.

as far as jerks or cocky, hey I asked for it cause I really want to improve. so your doing just fine in my book.

alrighty then, ill go hack on this some more, and get back to ya.
Dale

[dr.nathanial]

You have choosen quite an interesting theme. Need some hard effort on body text and final presentation. Really hard work...