Critique This Sales Copy

[richjerk321]

Hi,

Please critique this sales copy to make it better:

Seo Profiteer - Private High PR Network

Thanks!

[Dan Curtis]

I got this far:

FACT: Based on average year-to-year percentage increases, 2012 is set to feature 36 combined search algorithm changes, which is more than the previous FOUR YEARS COMBINED!

You are trying to sell with an intellectual appeal. I don't think it will work. Furthermore, this concept is a bit convoluted. If you are going to use an intellectual appeal you have to make sure that the reader can understand it and relate it to his or her own situation.

Think about it. What basic tenants have been around since SEO’s very inception? What core principles of SEO have remained unchanged in the face of so many different Google algorithm changes and “evolutions” within the search engine optimization space?

Wrong word. Tenants are those who rent an apartment or office space. Tenets are fundamental principles.

Also, the "search engine optimization space"? This sort of business-speak turns my stomach. I am sure there is one word that would convey the concept as well as the four words in this phrase. Simpler does not mean dumber; it usually means more precise.

[Andrew Gould]

It's not worth trying to save, scrap it and start again.

A few of the problems:

Don't introduce the product in the headline unless the prospect's been warmed up.

The writing's terrible, it's full of long, awkward sentences and odd phrasing.

There's no proof for any of your claims.

Who are these "two veteran SEO marketers"?

I'm not even sure what you're selling.

I'd recommend studying a book on copywriting basics such as Dan Kennedy's "Ultimate Sales Letter" or Victor Schwab's "How To Write A Good Advertisement" before you try again.

Good luck.

[richjerk321]

The service is for a private network.

What would you recommend for the headline? (The 2 black areas and 1 red area)

[TheWrightWords]

I like that it is red; I like red.
On the other hand, your "buy now" button is oddly placed-- I have idea what I would even be buying at the point that the buy now option shows up. If I know it is a salesletter and am looking for a triggering excuse to click that button and still can;t figure out what I'd be buying, then a prospective customer likely won't know either. A picture of your cat would work just as well there as your buy now button does, simply because it is unrelated to the rest of what I've read to that point.

Any chance you'd spring for a copywriter? It would likely help if this is your first salesletter (not promoting myself, I'm booked solid, but there are LOTS of awesome writers here).

[Andrew Gould]

Originally Posted by richjerk321

The service is for a private network.

OK. Does your prospect know what that is and why they might want to use one?

What would you recommend for the headline? (The 2 black areas and 1 red area)

Here are just a few quick and easy ideas as I really should be asleep right now:

Try your main benefits in the standard headline templates to see if any click ("How To...", "Who Else...", "Give Me ____ And I'll ____", etc).

Have a look at what headlines your competitors are using, see if there's any important benefit you can focus on that they're not.

Feature the problem your service solves, described as vividly and emotionally as possible (while keeping the main headline as short as you can).

Search Amazon for book titles and chapter titles of best selling SEO books.

[ewenmack]

Think in terms of a fast browser who you are trying to catch his attention.

You got to reward him for his attention.

In effect, you are saying...

"Here's what I've got for you,
to make it the best darn thing you've read all year..."

Work towards that and you are heading in the right direction.

Then let the reader know it's especially for him...

a sub headline like..

"Especially designed for the hard core bottom-line, take-it-to-the-bank
kind of website owner".

Now you are getting his blood pumping.

Now add an opening like...

"Dear soon-to-be-richer friend,"

and you are intensifying his greedy desires.

And you keep up this flow...all the way to the buy button.

PM if you want to get this ad pumping money, lol!

Best,
Ewen

[The Copy Warriors]

The writing itself is pretty good, but as for its ability to sell, I'd question that on the basis of three things:

1. No personality or identity conveyed... Who is writing this letter and why? The letter doesn't say.

2. Long paragraphs. It's been proven that reading on a computer causes eye strain, which may explain why a lot of people just don't read big blocks of text on websites. Using one sentence paragraphs increases the chance that your visitors will actually READ the thing.

3. Not putting enough "umph" into it. Like someone above said, your pitch is entirely intellectual and doesn't really sound exciting at all. It needs more feeling.

[freeadstime]

Let us know if anyone has purchased your offer.

[Robert_Rand]

"Get back to basics!"??? in sales copy... Uh yeah, no way my friend.

What should the headline be? Well consider these three questions:

1) What is the ultimate benefit your service offers?
2) What is the internal conversation the prospect is having with herself as she hits your page?
3) How can you inject authenticity? (Important in a jaded niche)

Most people try way too hard. The best ads are almost always simple. The reader doesn't have to think. Their eyes simply flow down into the body copy. Interested.

As in... something like "Surprisingly Simple (And Cheap) Way To Drive 146 Visitors Per Day To Your Site."

-Benefit driven
-Specific (believable)
-Conversational (your)
-Curiosity infused

Write as if you were having a 1-1 conversation with your ideal prospect. Think of them as receptive.

Right now your copy is the equivalent of screaming at people, and the tone indicates that you expect them to be resistant.

Good luck

[richjerk321]

I am re-writing this from scratch.

It was not my copy, but some one else who wrote it, so now I am writing it myself.

Let me put my magic to work and be back