Is my copy terrible?

[Nathan Hangen]

I wrote the copy for my WSO as a test to see how well I could write sales copy. Obviously, I'm not an expert, but for the $ I paid for MC, you'd think I should be able to write my own copy at some point.

Anyway, could someone...anyone, take a look at this copy in my sig for the Twitter WSO and tell me what you think?

No, this isn't an underhanded pitch to sell more of my WSO. I just want to get some tips before I get the copy for my actual CB sales page.

[Ken Strong]

I don't have time to do more than glance through it right now, but it's definitely not terrible. Looks pretty good, in fact. I like the graphic, the testimonials, the video.

Sorry, that's not much of a critique, but my quick impression is I like it overall.

[Collette]

Hey Nathan - Your writing is fine. It's the structure of your persuasion that's weak.

Most of the important points you need to make are buried in the body text. For example:

Here's your prospect's problem:

"A lot of people don't understand Twitter because no one tells them how to really use it effectively. At first glance, it looks like a waste of time." (i.e. "I know I should be Twittering but I don't really understand how, why, or what for", or "I have been Twittering, but I don't really see what good it's doing me")

Here's your concept proposition:

"(ordinarily) you'd set up a website with some content, then you'd have to find a way to drive traffic to it. You'll have to set up an autoresponder and create 10-30 emails to follow up with. Sure, this works, but what if there was a better way?" (i.e. Driving targeted traffic to your site is a time-sucking pain. But there's a better way...")

Here's your concept solution:

"...find and pre-qualify people that shop in your niche" (i.e. "Become a Twitter Rockstar")

Here's your concept expansion:

"a series of advanced tactics that can take your Twitter game to the next level. If you are brand new to Twitter, then don't worry, I've got an entire chapter dedicated to helping you get started." (i.e. "Check out this way to jumpstart your Twitter profit path")

Your concept validation is your testimonials. If you added some reason-why YOU'RE the one to guide us to Twitter Rockstardom, it would make your case even stronger.

Your concept value building are your bullets (i.e. "Wow! Look at all the value you get here!")

Add your call to action ("DO THIS ACTION now"), and you should be in pretty good shape.

Remember: Who's your audience here? Answer: People who want to make money. That's what they're interested in; that's what they 're willing to spend money on. They're not interested in being a Twitter rockstar for its own sake. Keep that in mind as you write your copy.

[travlinguy]

Your copy isn't terrible at all. It's actually quite good. I found myself engaged and reading more than I'd planned. Nicely done.

I noticed a small booboo though. You write: "Now let me ask you something?" That sentence isn't a question so there's no need for the question mark. I know, picky, picky... but it's what I do. Good luck!

[Nathan Hangen]

Wow, I honestly didn't expect so many replies so fast. I really appreciate your critiques and comments. To be honest, I was expecting to get slaughtered, so I am pleasantly surprised that all is not lost.

The terminology makes sense when you lay it out like that, I just didn't have any idea that there were so many complexities. Actually, let me rephrase that...I had an idea, I just didn't know what they were

Again, thanks so much.

[Loren Woirhaye]

Well, it looks like another "me too" Twitter bandwagon product.

First thing everyone is gonna do is click on your Twitter link
to see if you are actually a Twitter RockStar yourself. I'm
not persuaded.

I'm not saying you don't have a lot of influence over the folks
who are following you, just that your numbers don't show you
know something that isn't obvious.

Look at Jason Moffat. He's not following many people but a lot
of folks follow him. Wouldn't being a "rockstar" mean you could
get 1000s to follow you while you pretty much don't follow
anybody yourself?

Just being hard on you, man. I'm not a big fan of social networking
as a marketing medium. If you can show people how to get a ton
of followers (a la Tim Ferriss), get them to buy stuff from you,
and pretty much ignore the reciprocal aspect of Twitter then
you would have a persuasive case for RockStar claims and you
could sell your course for a lot more money.

It's about positioning. The simplest way to make such a product
would be to actually deconstruct and reverse-engineer real
Twitter stars... those who many followers who pay attention
to them - and show how they got there. In many cases I bet
you will find it's with email marketing, publicity stunts, and
high-profile blogging. Nothing to do with "hanging out" on Twitter.

[Nathan Hangen]

Thanks Loren, don't worry about being hard on me...I appreciate your critique.

I worried about that too. I almost made an effort to go out and get a bunch of new followers to inflate my numbers, but I didn't feel that it would be an honest thing to do. In regards to the product itself, I totally disagree with the Tim Ferriss way to Twitter and in fact you'll notice he's started to change his stance.

I really like the Chris Brogan and Gary V style and I've seen it work, both for myself and others. I think influence can't always be visible in a follower count. However, I totally get what you are saying. Maybe I made the mistake of mislabeling the product with a name that doesn't really get at the heart of the product. It sounded good at the time though

Since this is my first real product, I'm struggling to find an identity for it. The whole course goes into specific detail about basically everything "Twitter." That includes blogs, services, resources, etc. It seems the product is going through a bit of an identity crisis, but that's an easy fix.

[Collette]

"Learn How to Twitter for Fun and Profit"

Sometimes, less is more...

Most important is to make a compelling case for why YOU are The Source For All Things Twitter

[carolwingert]

I don't see a problem with it. It's "catchy" and overall I like it!

Sorry that I wasn't much help.

[Obelisk]

Yeah What Loren Said...But some more...

Who are you targeting?

The copy is kind of "Neutral" in that within the 'Fold' you haven't identified, bonded, or opened rapport with whoever your target audience is.

To piggyback on Loren, concerning the Tim Ferriss & Moffatt idea...model the top dawgs. They are heavily followed 'Twitterings' but how did they get there?

By simply leveraging the power of a new marketing media is all. By the sounds of it they may have just 'stumbled' upon it too...Create something worthwhile and folks will follow. Simple Marketing my friend.

What sets your product apart from other 'Twitter Product's'?

What benefit will people get by joining your circle of influence?

Get these into your headline, hammer them within your body copy and you can do well....

BTW...You may think about taking this product to realms outside of the IM world and pimp them. There are simply tons of companies that could benefit from this technology, simply approach them, propose them, then draw up a contract. (ala the cash cow crap all over this board).

Pm me if you want some help, good luck.

[Woody C]

Is it selling? That is ultimately the best way to determine whether your copy is terrible or not.

Yes, I'm sure it could be done better, but it could also be done a lot worse.

How are your conversions? Let us know.

[Obelisk]

Dood Point Maverick!

What are your results? At the end of the day no matter what any of us boobs say, THAT is all that matters.....

Chris

[absolutelee]

My only comment is I don't think you've really hit the hot buttons of your market. I don't think the issue is saving time. I think it's something more kin to making money. And, usually making money is not the real issue, either. It's the freedom and quality of life that comes with the money. I haven't read all the comments, and probably someone else has said this, but I think you need to rethink your entire pitch.