*Closed*

[vit1008]

OLD THREAD.
WAY TOO MUCH CONFUSION HERE.

This site has gone through a lot of changes recently.
NOT a paid site anymore.

[ClicProject]

To be perfectly honest, I think it is terrible:

• It looks terrible.
• You claim to be not another bullshit IM site, then proceed to fulfull just about every bullshit IM cliché.
• You demonstrate no credibility whatsoever.

But what do I know, I´m probably not your target. My Dad would probably fall for something like this.

[vit1008]

Originally Posted by ClicProject

To be perfectly honest, I think it is terrible:

• It looks terrible.
• You claim to be not another bullshit IM site, then proceed to fulfull just about every bullshit IM cliché.
• You demonstrate no credibility whatsoever.

But what do I know, I´m probably not your target. My Dad would probably fall for something like this.

Bit too harsh... sales page does what its meant to do.
Have you even had a look at the actual site?

[Andrew Gould]

Originally Posted by vit1008

OK forget all your manners here.
I need some brutal honest feedback here.

It's terrible.

The headline and everything above the fold (and for the next page or so) tells me nothing about what you're selling, who it's aimed at, what problem it solves, etc.

The formatting's amateurish.

I don't believe anything you say (not saying, it's not true, but your page doesn't do it justice).

Your offer's not clear.

Make your trial at least 7 days.

There's nothing there that differentiates this from countless other IM sites.

You want to scrap it and start again.

[angiecolee]

I scanned it. Boring, doesn't say anything different from any other IM piece I've read.

I think you're trying too hard with sections like this: Very Important! Before you read any further, be super sure that you have TURNED OFF your TV, closed the curtains, told your family members to keep the volume down, and if you listen to music often like me, turn it off for the next 5 minutes – because you DON’T want to miss the opportunity to become the next Internet Marketing Super Star!

You think I'm actually going to do all that stuff before you've given me a reason to focus all my attention on you?

In my opinion, skip the length of time you've been doing this and focus on results. If you bring up the year worth of experience, people are going to focus on it. If you bring up results, people won't care if you started last month if you can convince them you 'get it' and prove your claims.

Throughout this piece, you focus on you first, potential customer second. Reverse it.

Honestly, I'd scrap this. Maybe save some of the bullet points and rework those, but there's not much worth salvaging.

One last note - you asked for serious feedback and then bristled when someone gave you their opinion. Either you want what you have written and are seeking a pat on the back and praise for how brilliant it is, or you need to swallow your pride and take opinions into consideration. It's not a personal attack - it's likely what people who read your page are actually thinking. People in the copywriting forum have seen sales page after sales page for IM, so we tend to think "gah, not another IM letter". Your target market? They're probably just thinking "more get rich quick bullshit" and clicking away.

[Steve The Copywriter]

Hi Vit,

I'm hoping you - with all the right intentions wrote this - and didn't pay anyone.

On the plus side you tried.

But…

Sorry - it is bad.

With a lot of luck, a kindly soul might write you a full critique.

But it’ll take them hours.

Here's what's much more likely to happen

You are going to get slammed. So be prepared...

For some very harsh comments on every part of the site.

Don't take them personally - they are trying to help you get things right.

But will you be able to fix them all?

Because without the experience...

You’ll need a professional copywriter to put everything together for you.


Let me explain one key reason why -

You're fretting about the price of your membership - that's the least of your problems.

Because very few people will get that far to even look at the cost.

The copy is too difficult to read, the words don't sell - the techniques you need for this to stand a chance - in an over saturated market aren't there.


You've got two choices, use the advice you get and read and apply everything in this link -


Use This Checklist Before Asking For A Critique


Or get a copywriter to rewrite the whole piece for you.

Steve

[JohnRussell]

Sorry man but it sucks.

It needs a complete rewrite unfortunately and you have to decide whether you want to spend the time learning to write good copy or spend the money on a good copywriter.

Please tell us what is unique about your membership ('cause the sales page sure didn't tell us) and maybe someone will see if they can help.

[vit1008]

Originally Posted by Steve The Copywriter

You've got two choices read any apply everything in this link

Use This Checklist Before Asking For A Critique

Or get a copywriter to rewrite everything for you.

Steve

Thank you so much for that. Great feedback and you actually pushed me in the right direction! Instead of saying it's a fail and moving off.

[Steve The Copywriter]

Vit,

It’s always brave to post copy for a critique.

And I guess you’re not feeling ecstatic seeing your work getting hammered.

But it’s saved you a stack of money.

Because not only do you need breathtakingly brilliant copy to “work” in the IM field.

You also need the time, effort and money driving the traffic to it.

It’s far better to know you must fix the copy.

Before you spend fortunes on traffic for a site which just couldn’t bring you in the profits.


Steve

[TheSalesBooster]

If I was a real customer, You would of lost me by the third paragraph

and I was pretty much forcing myself to read it!

You got a lot of good advice here already, but let me see if I can help drive some points home.

1. I have no idea what your product is.

2. Your headline and your intro doesn't address any problems.

3. You talk about how bad the marketing BS is, yet you throw around empty phrases like:

"I am a respected Internet marketer and have been for the past year!"

"WHAT’S IN IT FOR YOU?
In one simple word, “Everything”."

I mean really your entire site is made up of bland generic statements that have ZERO meaning behind them. You might as well just put "This is the best internet marketing website" on the top of your website.

I could go on and on, but those are just the basics you need to fix. To be honest unless you have a good couple of months to start learning copywriting I think you're better off just hiring someone to do it for you. With any luck you could make some money to sit on while you learn.

[vit1008]

OK... yes... I f**cked up.
But thanks for the comments everyone nonetheless.
Very helpful! (harsh... but helpful)

[angiecolee]

Originally Posted by vit1008

OK... yes... I f**cked up.
But thanks for the comments everyone nonetheless.
Very helpful! (harsh... but helpful)

No one said you ****ed up or made a personal attack on you. Everyone shared opinions, as you requested. It may not have been what you hoped for or expected, but it was all intended to help you put together a good offer and make more money.

Though it's good that you recognize the statements above were intended to be helpful, try not to take it so personally.

[cynthiamason]

You may want to take a look at your website's features (this is what your product or service has). Write them all out. Then focus on what those features do, what need they satisfy and what this means for your customer.

You also will want to spruce up your headline. The headline did not grab my attention. When writing copy, the headline needs to get your readers attention. Change your voice in the copy. As a potential customer, I could not tell what you were trying to help me with.

Take a step back, think about if you were the prospect. Go out there and start asking what people in your niche what are their biggest concerns. Get into their minds. Feel what they feel. Then you will be able to relate to them in your copy. Write out what their concerns are and address them in the copy.

When I do my writing I use the following formula:

feature+benefit+dream

"Tell them the feature+ the benefits+then how their life will be like as a result"

If you need help figuring out the benefit try right it out like this:

feature (what your product or service is) benefit (what your product or service does)

Write this out as two separate columns and in between them write the words "so that you can"

This will reveal to you the actual benefits.

[cynthiamason]

I forgot to say this:

Think of copywriting almost like dating. If you want to get the girl to talk to you, then your going to have to convince her. The same concept goes for sales letters. You have to give the person a reason to trust you enough where they will take action. Remove their fears. Feel their frustrations. Be understanding and let them know you understand because you been there too.

Also, if you are launching a membership site, it is good to start with a blog first, gain readership and market it so that readership grows. This will help with your authority. People will trust you and like you because you provide value. They are more likely to buy from you.

You are probably already do this, but I thought I would throw that out there in case you do not. You can launch one without a blog but having a blog would help your success.

[CopyMonster]

The good thing is you've taken some action.

The bad is that you're missing some key elements... not least a powerful promise or any real proof or evidence you can deliver. There are no real specifics to grab attention. Or much of anything for that matter to maintain interest.

The text itself is clunky and doesn't flow well which makes for a difficult read.

Bottom line - it doesn't excite, it doesn't communicate any real value.

I suggest you study up on some good sales letters and try again if you want to persist.

[1robert]

The headline and deck copy do nothing to get my attention. Its not your fault, writing a sales letter is hard work.

The first thing I would do is break up your sentences to make your copy more inviting as shown below...

I’m going to be honest and straightforward with you. Rest assured that it isn’t going to be some fluffed up BS product sales page.

You are not looking at any affiliate who wants you to fall into his trap so he can earn a commission. The words you are reading come directly and owned by the developer of this product, so you can count on them.

What I’m promoting here is my own membership site which I’ve busted my butt to get up and running. Contrary to the big ‘Gurus’ who think it’s wise enough to spend TEN times more money on their sales page than the actual product they are offering.

The statement below is a Big mistake...HUGE!

Contrary to the big ‘Gurus’ who think it’s wise enough to spend TEN times more money on their sales page than the actual product they are offering.

Any marketer will know the "Gurus" make millions with the help of their expensive copywriter, so I would take this statement out.

That statement can also get you kicked hard here on the forum when your asking for free advice from copywriters.

I'm not like other copywriters though and I understand you're just trying to get feedback from something you worked really hard on.

Start with the headline and paragraphs and go from there

[Keyword Candy]

Graphics look great. I would redo your header, with the thought of pointing out your major benefit better, while shortening the amount of words used.

[Joseph Ng]

I recently just finished a 3-day intensive workshop on internet marketing organized by an IM guru. We have touched on writing and constructing an effective sales page. Let me give you some comments on it. These are general comments and I won't be too specific since I am short of time.

1) What is it that you are exactly selling? This should be at the very first page that you see from a website. If your product is not specified and what it does, then people will not know what to buy from you and they will just close your page in an instant.

I actually took the effort to read your whole sales page and I think you are trying to sell an IM products in form of consultation, services and some ebook guides (correct me if I am wrong). The fact that if you have to let a subscriber made the effort to read all your content to actually know what it is, is a big turn off and must be avoided!

2) Who are your target audience? Let's just say you already specify what your product is. Your product must be aimed to a specific kind of audience. For example, if you are selling a guide about quitting smoking, then try and understand what problems are faced by smokers who want to quit smoking and their difficulties. With these difficulties being understood, put them on your sales page, and sell your products that will actually solve their problems.

3) Design and wordflow - You have to completely redesign your web page. It is just not attractive to read further. Wordflow is also not convincing enough. It does not entice someone who wants to read further. It does not invite curiousity.

Hope it helps you.

[fitforever]

Ohh Man

this was priceless

"Very Important! Before you read any further, be super sure that you have TURNED OFF your TV, closed the curtains, told your family members to keep the volume down, and if you listen to music often like me, turn it off for the next 5 minutes – because you DON’T want to miss the opportunity to become the next Internet Marketing Super Star!""

I laughed so much i nearly blew snot out my nose...

AngieColee is spot on. & nice with it i think

BUT at least you're trying :-) don't give in

[TheWrightWords]

"I personally HATE how those internet giants prey on people like hungry sharks who have maybe lost their jobs or fallen into debt, and are looking to earn some extra cash on the internet in some simple ways."
Stuff like this needs a rewrite too -- how did the poor sharks lose their jobs? Fallen into debt? I didn't realize so many apex predators were out of work : )
While the big copy/sales/layout stuff is already addressed above, the basic level writing is appalling, if you paid for it, fire your writer...and if you did it yourself, hire a pro!

[Don Grace]

Each line you write has one purpose, to get them to read the next.

You literally lost me after line 1... I closed the page.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" My answer was "Nope"

[Mark 99]

Keep trying mate, good to see you're making a change. I think enough has been said already... it was bad. I was lost after the first paragraph, change the graphics and background (made my eyes fuzzy)... Use the checklist It will help a lot.
good luck

[vit1008]

Site redone completely redone. I have now made it FREE to join!
Check it out by clicking here

[Wrote In America]

Basically your copy fails to answer the questions of: What's the benefit to me reading what you've written and why should I bother to stick around for more.

Just ask yourself...If YOU were to come across a site/copy like yours, would you be interested or would you be more likely to leave the page to find a more engaging and trusting site?

[vit1008]

Originally Posted by Wrote In America

Basically your copy fails to answer the questions of: What's the benefit to me reading what you've written and why should I bother to stick around for more.

Just ask yourself...If YOU were to come across a site/copy like yours, would you be interested or would you be more likely to leave the page to find a more engaging and trusting site?

It's not a paid site anymore...? I don't need to do a super slick sales copy. All free to register and use.

[wrcato2]

@Vitality,
First off, Kudo's to you for pulling the trigger on your sales funnel. You have just screamed past about 65% of new marketers.
Keep it up!

Next... and I am going to be honest with you, You have a good header, so keep it. However, your copy sucks. It all sucks, not just parts. The first thing you do is down fellow marketers calling them "out of work, un-trust worthy scum bags", so to speak. That is mistake NO#1 in my book, you shouldn't talk bad about your competition. This speaks more volumes about you than your fellow marketers. Plus this tactic (if it is a tactic) will harm you down the road, you might want to JV with some of these folks a few months from now.

Ok, onward...

The third on my list is that you mention "your website". Everyone knows when they land on a site it isn't there's, so it must be someones, right? The best thing to do is guide your prospect down the road of marketing success and happiness. "Sell the sizzle not the steak".

Four, your bullets are features and they need to be benefits. Say it loudly, shout the benefits from the roof top!

You have no call to action. If you want to sell you need to be persuasive and direct with what it is you want your prospect to do.

I am really confused as to what you are offering. You ask in the forum about price yet you are giving away all of your stuff. what is it? is it a vault site, membership site? or is it your list? You need to let your prospects know this as well.

I didn't watch the video, because you have empty content and a waste of time.

[vit1008]

Originally Posted by wrcato2

@Vitality,
First off, Kudo's to you for pulling the trigger on your sales funnel. You have just screamed past about 65% of new marketers.
Keep it up!

Next... and I am going to be honest with you, You have a good header, so keep it. However, your copy sucks. It all sucks, not just parts. The first thing you do is down fellow marketers calling them "out of work, un-trust worthy scum bags", so to speak. That is mistake NO#1 in my book, you shouldn't talk bad about your competition. This speaks more volumes about you than your fellow marketers. Plus this tactic (if it is a tactic) will harm you down the road, you might want to JV with some of these folks a few months from now.

Ok, onward...

The third on my list is that you mention "your website". Everyone knows when they land on a site it isn't there's, so it must be someones, right? The best thing to do is guide your prospect down the road of marketing success and happiness. "Sell the sizzle not the steak".

Four, your bullets are features and they need to be benefits. Say it loudly, shout the benefits from the roof top!

You have no call to action. If you want to sell you need to be persuasive and direct with what it is you want your prospect to do.

I am really confused as to what you are offering. You ask in the forum about price yet you are giving away all of your stuff. what is it? is it a vault site, membership site? or is it your list? You need to let your prospects know this as well.

I didn't watch the video, because you have empty content and a waste of time.

Thanks for the tips.... I'm still working on the site. So yes the 'sales page' (im not trying to sell anything) will be improved soon. Its a free membership site.... Everyone seems to miss that bit. :P
But as I have finished the content... I'm finally launching the site so I'll be more motivated to keep working at it.

The video has ALL the information in it! haha
I just didn't want to repeat everything said in the video. Will definitely add some benefits to the sales page

[wrcato2]

@Vitality,
P.S. If your building your list with your "free" content, I would focus on your "headline" only and take it to the traffic exchange & safe lists. All you will need is a good direct response headline and a call to action: Sign Up now before I change my mind and decide to sell it for dollar amount.

[Quality Copywriter]

mate,

you just ned to put some flesh on he bones of that copy.

Tell your customer -in this order

What you are offering-benefits
who you are (your story-what makes you qualified to help)
what your product does ?
ask for the sale- why they need to act now?

[rdavisconsulting]

The site isn't very good. It's kind of Cliché actually.

google keyword search "landing page design" and you will get some good results back for some good examples of what a good landing page would look like. I would post a link directly myself, but I'm new and I have to make 15 posts or greater.

If you don't have good design skills, just hire a contractor to make it for you. You have another website or just the landing page?

Hope that helps.

[vit1008]

Originally Posted by rdavisconsulting

The site isn't very good. It's kind of Cliché actually.

google keyword search "landing page design" and you will get some good results back for some good examples of what a good landing page would look like. I would post a link directly myself, but I'm new and I have to make 15 posts or greater.

If you don't have good design skills, just hire a contractor to make it for you. You have another website or just the landing page?

Hope that helps.

I will be redoing everything on that page... just don't have much time as I am still making content for my site. In one week i'll be finished

[Steve Faber]

Originally Posted by Don Grace

Each line you write has one purpose, to get them to read the next.

You literally lost me after line 1... I closed the page.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" My answer was "Nope"

You want to be very careful asking questions your prospect can say "No" to. It's usually a no-no.

[seobro]

Hi Vit:
$1 trail offer is a proven winner. I like this technique. Question is what are you selling?

OK so is it membership in your forum? If so create three tiers:
Bronze $0.99
Silver $2.99
Gold $9.99

Try to get them to upgrade to BRONZE and then later on work on moving them up. Most people are pinching pennies. Like they will not go to $10/mo right away. Also, it is an easy sign up. For example, use subscription in pay pal to enter them in.

[dylanvarian]

1. It's too dark. As a web designer I know from a lot of trial and error that people act better to bright colours on websites - ESPECIALLY SALES PAGES. This is also something for blogs to keep an eye on - more people trust the blogger if their blog is white rather then black - this came from a study a couple of years ago I read.
2.Put some testimonials on there - and link back to the people who gave them, so people know you're not just a scam artist. Trust is EVERYTHING when it comes to online business.
3. Redo the video. You're not enthusiastic enough about your own product, so why should we? Therefore we are less likely to buy into it.

I don't intend to be harsh - all criticism to help you mate. Please let us know if sales go up after you have made some of the changes!

[Austin80ss]

1. If it's free you should not make such big "Sign up now" button.
2. Poor content (add some results of your offer).
3. Too many non-important points of attention (cut tham or change).
4. Get more advanced structure of main page(Menu and etc.).

[AnthonyBand]

looks bad. what are you trying to do here?

How much did you REALLY make online last year?

[vit1008]

Originally Posted by AnthonyBand

looks bad. what are you trying to do here?

How much did you REALLY make online last year?

more than you m8

[markpocock]

You need some authority and credibility.

Why should anyone believe you?

I think you're trying to sell to quick.

Offer a free gift so you build a list. Then sell
your membership in your emails to the list.

have fun


Mark

[markpocock]

BTW you need to re-write the copy as well.

The first paragraph is all about you.

[royalgalaxy]

change the graphics...should be colorless

[Ken_Caudill]

Have you seen those small ads that mention one weird trick to get your auto insurance for next to nothing or whatever?

Get on it.

What, specifically, will joining your site do for me?

By the way, hard selling freebies is a waste of time. All it does is arouse suspicion.

[The Copy Nazi]

A case study on how NOT to do it. EVERYTHING is wrong with this site. EVERYTHING. Its a real stinker.

I am an internet marketer and have been for some solid months now

Oh gosh - I'll listen to you then.

Dude - are you for real? I mean, really...this is the biggest load of horseshit.

[vit1008]

Originally Posted by The Copy Nazi

A case study on how NOT to do it. EVERYTHING is wrong with this site. EVERYTHING. Its a real stinker.

Oh gosh - I'll listen to you then.

Dude - are you for real? I mean, really...this is the biggest load of horseshit.

It's a free membership site! How on earth would you even know about this site when you haven't even signed up.

And to be honest I've probably learnt more things than you in these few months than you probably have in a year.

You know nothing about me.

[vit1008]

FOR THE MILLIONTH TIME.

THIS IS AN OLD THREAD THAT KEEPS GETTING BUMPED UP BECAUSE OF ALL THE COMMENTS.

THIS USED TO BE A PAID MEMBERSHIP SITE. NOW IT IS FREE!!!!!

WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK IT'S AN ACTUAL SALES PAGE!

[NickN]

Originally Posted by vit1008

It's a free membership site! How on earth would you even know about this site when you haven't even signed up.

And to be honest I've probably learnt more things than you in these few months than you probably have in a year.

You know nothing about me.

Ohh, SNAP!

[Mkcoy]

IMHO TMI on the homepage.

Give people the meat and they'll come in and get the potatoes their self.