Help me refine my squeeze page

[cbx]

Hi all,

I've just created this fresh squeeze page (using compozer). It offers my free report.*

I'm just looking for some constructive input.*

Things I'm concerned about;
-how to get the table I've used to centre
-my choice of words in the headline and sub-heading
-my choice of words in my bullet points
-my choice of *webform*
-whether I should use that photo image or find something more suited
-and anything else I might be overlooking

6 top fitness mindset secrets

Thanks in advance

Clinton

[Steve The Copywriter]

Hi Clinton,

It's not great.

First thing would be to change "current" to "currently."

But the headline needs much more impact and targeted to a specific audience.

You're likely to get many similar answers to the ones on this thread-

Why Isn't This Squeeze Page Converting?

Have a read and see if it helps you.

Steve

[cbx]

Thanks for the feedback.

Yeah, I recently caught that about 'recent' needing to be recently.

What about the background? I'm not sure about the purple.

[Steve The Copywriter]

Clinton,

At this moment the background colour is the least of your problems.

Concentrate on the copy.

Here's a few quick thoughts - that your readers may be asking.

Discover 6 Mindset Tools and Techniques that Will Take Your Fitness and Performance to the Next Level No Matter Where You Current Are!

(What is a “Mindset” Tool? Use a "power" word to describe it. 6 is an even number. 5 or 7 gets more attention. Who are you aiming at? What is the next level? Why not much better than that?)

"These Mindset Tricks Have Given Me and Edge and Continue to do so to This Day"
(Says who? People need evidence and proof. Also you started by saying they are Mindset "Tools" now they are "Tricks" best to be congruent)


Inside You'll Learn...
• How to get quality workout sessions in minimal time

(What sort of "quality"? Again use a "power" word. How much time? Be specific - 10 mins a day...25 mins ...?)

• How doubt and uncertainty can actually be used as training tool

(Give a captivating idea why this works)
• How to pick your environment and surroundings so that you get the best out if every session

(So what are the disastrous problems or consequences if people don’t pick the right environment?)

• Why learning multiple skills can actually improve your sport or exercise of choice. (even if those skills have nothing to do with your sport)

(Too confusing. And too much hard work. People want quick and easy. Make it simpler. But you did “double punch” the bullet which is good. Do this with all or most of them)

• What is the best accountability system for you in order to stay engaged and progressing

(What is it? – give a “taster” or an enthralling "clue" And change the word “accountability" to a "power or action" word - one that resonates with your audience)

• The true principles of conditioning(it's not what you thought)

(What do your audience think? And why are they wrong?)

I'm not suggesting you give all the answers.

But...

Make your bullets so intriguing - your audience is bursting with curiosity.

And are so desperate to know these "vital" answers. They are frantically typing in their email address and pressing "access now"

Eagerly waiting for the "bing" telling them your reply has arrived.

For goodness sake make sure the "pitch" is outstandingly good.

Hope this helps.

Steve


P.S. Get rid of the 2 playing cards - it makes your squeeze page look like a gamble. You don't want to give that impression.

Under your picture - you can explain who you are, how successful you are and why you can help people achieve real, tangible, lasting results. With a testimonial to prove it all.

[RedShifted]

You know Steve I have thanked a lot of people on this forum but I don't think I ever gave you a proper thanks before. People like you have taken a lot of time posting incredibly useful information & I'm not sure you realize HOW MUCH you are helping certain people on WF.

For instance. One of my first ads that were responsive on CL - I wrote that ad right after reading one of your posts on WF. I continued to study your material along with many other brilliant copywriters & I can't tell you guys how much I respect what you do on here.

I don't plan on ever becoming a professional copywriter, but at the same time I look up to copywriters more than anyone I can think of. Not to sound like an asskisser, but I thoroughly respect what you guys do on here.

So THANK YOU. I really can't say it enough.

-Red

[Steve The Copywriter]

Red - thank you so much. Tell you what you should become a pro copywriter because you hit my emotions - I really am touched.

And on behalf of everyone else thanks.

They too will greatly appreciate your comments about them.

I think the main reason we post is because we learn so much from each other.

It only works if people ask questions.

Steve

[MattStevens]

I agree...Steve, its very selfless of you to take the time to help a new guy out with his copy.

Perfect how you gave him just enough info for him to go learn and practice, rather than just do the "homework" for him.

I have been inpatient and naive in the past to the point that I gave so much info and suggestion that I ended up writing the sales copy for them. Not anymore..lol

The old Chinese proverb "Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime", holds true with copywriting too.

Although not new to lurking, i am new to posting here at the forum..and I plan on reading a lot from you veteran copywriters...I figure I can always strengthen my writing. Thanks!

[cbx]

Thanks Andrew. I appreciate the effort you've put in. I'll make good use of you've provided me. I guess I'll need to study up on CSS myself.

[Quality Copywriter]

Hi there

To be honest mate - its a mess

heres agoo video on how to structure a page like this

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pgrw4Qak5Ec

[ewenmack]

Sometimes we have to get back to basics
and first nail down a group of people's problems.

Then ask yourself how you can fix it fast, safely and make
getting it easy. Then at a price that seems a bargain.

Once you've got that sorted then you work on creating a demonstration of your fix,
either in use, result of use or a combination.

This is about creating your pitch.

The ideal scenario is to demonstrate a extreme use,
that creates a shock and awe effect.

Once you've got it, create the squeeze page
Announcing the BIG news of impending demonstration.

Create a bit of theatre for a change to create curiosity and intrigue.

If you say it can't be done, then you are right!

But if you are open to dragging yourself out of the masses of clutter
in the market place, you've got to different, not just better.

Best,
Ewen

[havplenty]

The 6 mindset tools are specific enough, but the eventual benefits should be quantified too. Will your prospect lose 10 lbs? Drop 2 or 3 inches from his/her waist?

Lay out those specifics in the headline and you are on your way. And of course incorporate some of the other helpful tips contributed here already.

Good luck

[johnorc]

Hello cbx,

Your squeeze page is absolutely no eye catchy, that's the biggest problem i think..

[cbx]

Hi guys,

So, I've redone my squeeze page. (took me a while to rap my head around CSS)

I've rewritten the script. I hope its better, but I need your opinions again.

I'll get it right eventually

I've also been struggling with the banner in css. It won't show up. (though, this link has it as a straight insert)

Mainly, I just want to get the script right first.

[Steve The Copywriter]

Hi Clinton,

Yes, you've slaved away for a week and there are some improvements.

But not nearly enough to really grab your audience and compel them to sign up.

And what if they do?

You'll be firing off a series of emails.

And if the writing isn't laser sharp, making the "offer" absolutely irresistible - the response - in this over - saturated, whacked, out hyped to hell market will not be good.

And all your effort and time is wasted. And the revenues that could have been yours all go to somebody else.

Now, lets assume you are a brilliant fitness and exercise coach and your program is outstandingly good.

Why do you want to struggle learning to be a copywriter to try and sell it? (it takes years to get good at it).

Instead why not hunt around and find somebody who can do this for you. Just write a post and ask for recommendations. You can indicate how much you want to spend.

An experienced copywriter can ensure they "position" your program leagues better than all the hype. The writing is now so transformed and aimed precisely at the right target audience the sales rocket into big numbers.

You concentrate on what you do best.

Let them concentrate on do what they do best.

Makes sense doesn't it?

Steve

[Steve The Copywriter]

...what's that I can hear?

"No! I won't hire a copywriter - I insist on doing it all myself - surely it can't be that difficult to string a few words together without paying someone to do it"

Or in fairness there might not be the money to fork out at this time.

Alright.

First things first - who is your target audience?

Lets start with this bloody awful "mindset" phrase.

To me it means a "state of mind."

What state of mind?

What does your target audience think?


Here's some possibilities -

They need to get fit - but don't have the time

They want to get fit but are too lazy to do it

They're frustrated after buying other programs which were too strenuous and agonizing

They want something quick and easy

They need to know that the trainer/coach knows what they are talking about

They don't want 17 workbooks and 56 videos to wade through

They want categorical prove that your "system" actually works

And so on.


Now from the research you've done - who IS your target audience - and what do they want?

If there's no research - what is your best educated guess on who the audience is (hint - look closely at your program - who is it most likely to appeal to?).


And what makes your program so special?

What's unique about it?

What do you do that others can't?

How and why is it different and so much better than the multitudes of other stuff on the market?


So, 3 major copywriting tasks -

Who are you aiming at?

What do they want?

And what is your USP?

Use all the advice you've gleamed (headlines, bullets, body copy etc) -

And write to your specific people show them you understand what they want. And prove you have the perfect solution for them.


Steve

[rpstaller]

I am certainly in no position to give any advice on copy writing or squeeze page content; however, 90secondsqueezepage.com is free and easy to use for putting together a nicely laid out squeeze page. There is an OTO for one of Russel Brunson's products but 90secondsqueezepage by itself is free. It might be worth checking out while you're learning to code the page yourself if that's what you really want to do.

[cbx]

Originally Posted by rpstaller

I am certainly in no position to give any advice on copy writing or squeeze page content; however, 90secondsqueezepage.com is free and easy to use for putting together a nicely laid out squeeze page. There is an OTO for one of Russel Brunson's products but 90secondsqueezepage by itself is free. It might be worth checking out while you're learning to code the page yourself if that's what you really want to do.

Is that one of those squeeze page generators? I hear those are bad for seo.

[Netboxx]

Without even looking at the content, I felt an urgent need to leave the site.
As a webdesigner with lots of expierence, I can tell u with confidence, that this will never convert, even with the best copywriting available on the planet.

[cpweducator]

Squeeze pages now days only need 1-3 elements:
who are you? I have blah blah
what you have?
how they can get it?
You can add 5 3-5 bullets but no more
My favorite and highest converting squeeze pages have only a headline and a opt-in box or a video and a opt in box
http://90secondsqueezepage.com/cpwed...eNext47Minutes

[Steve The Copywriter]

...I can't help wondering how many more conversations there would be if the opt in box was above the fold.


Steve

[cbx]

Originally Posted by Netboxx

Without even looking at the content, I felt an urgent need to leave the site.
As a webdesigner with lots of expierence, I can tell u with confidence, that this will never convert, even with the best copywriting available on the planet.

Why exactly Would I need? Without even looking at the content? Are you referring to the layout?

Please ppl, a little less dissing, and a little more constructive input. I am a nooby here.

[cbx]

Originally Posted by Steve The Copywriter

...I can't help wondering how many more conversations there would be if the opt in box was above the fold.


Steve

Yes, thank you. If I move the web form next to the heading, would that work?

[Steve The Copywriter]

Originally Posted by cpweducator

Squeeze pages now days only need 1-3 elements:
who are you? I have blah blah
what you have?
how they can get it?
You can add 5 3-5 bullets but no more
My favorite and highest converting squeeze pages have only a headline and a opt-in box or a video and a opt in box
Make Your First $100 Online Starting InThe Next47 Minutes!

I was talking about this squeeze page.


Steve

[Andrew Gould]

Originally Posted by Steve The Copywriter

...I can't help wondering how many more conversations there would be if the opt in box was above the fold.

On my 1600x900 laptop screen it is above the fold.

[rpstaller]

Originally Posted by cbx

Is that one of those squeeze page generators? I hear those are bad for seo.

Yes, it is. I've never heard of them being bad for SEO... not to say it's not true, I've just never heard that.

Originally Posted by Netboxx

Without even looking at the content, I felt an urgent need to leave the site.
As a webdesigner with lots of expierence, I can tell u with confidence, that this will never convert, even with the best copywriting available on the planet.

Not sure if you're referring to sales or opt-ins but my goal initially has been opt-ins and the last time I used 90secondsqueeze page I got 22% conversion to opt-in on my list. I thought that was pretty decent.

I am not a web designer with any experience at all in that field so I cannot effectively refute what your years of experience tells you; all I am saying is, my results have been satisfactory to me so far.

That being said, today's WSO for Lead Rocket is much better. It's a Wordpress Plug-in for squeeze pages that are much more attractive and appealing. I will be using that going forward.

[Steve The Copywriter]

...not wanting to cause any trouble.

The "90 second squeeze page" sites opt in is below the fold on my MacBook Pro - this is the site I was talking about - wondering if conversions would increase even more if the opt in was above the fold. Which it might well be on other computers.

cbx's site is above the fold again on the MacBook.

But listen, we're getting into tech stuff here - and I am not qualified in any way to talk about it.



Steve - technically "challenged"

[Sid Hale]

Clinton,

I hated the borders around the various elements of the page, and the whole thing was sitting on the left side of the page.

I didn't want to pre-suppose a lot, and misinterpret what you were trying to do, but I took the liberty of cleaning up some of the visual elements (and added one word of text), to create what I think is a much more pleasing squeeze page for you at:

6 top fitness mindset secrets

If you like it, or feel like it gets you a little further ahead, feel free to

• Right Click, View Source
• Select All
• copy/paste it into a new file for your own use

Hope this helps,

[cbx]

Originally Posted by Sid Hale

Clinton,

I hated the borders around the various elements of the page, and the whole thing was sitting on the left side of the page.

I didn't want to pre-suppose a lot, and misinterpret what you were trying to do, but I took the liberty of cleaning up some of the visual elements (and added one word of text), to create what I think is a much more pleasing squeeze page for you at:

6 top fitness mindset secrets

If you like it, or feel like it gets you a little further ahead, feel free to

• Right Click, View Source
• Select All
• copy/paste it into a new file for your own use

Hope this helps,

Thanks Sid,

That was my first atempt and the reason it sat left was because I didn't use CSS. I wonder, how did you centre it and keep the background? When I tried mine, I lost background and the copyright text had to be placed within the left column table.

[MattStevens]

Originally Posted by Sid Hale

Clinton,

I hated the borders around the various elements of the page, and the whole thing was sitting on the left side of the page.

I didn't want to pre-suppose a lot, and misinterpret what you were trying to do, but I took the liberty of cleaning up some of the visual elements (and added one word of text), to create what I think is a much more pleasing squeeze page for you at:

6 top fitness mindset secrets

If you like it, or feel like it gets you a little further ahead, feel free to

• Right Click, View Source
• Select All
• copy/paste it into a new file for your own use

Hope this helps,

That was very nice of you!!

[Lorenzo Basil]

You must clean the design, the post #5 from Andrew Gould was getting it, I would reduce the height to be above the fold in conventional PC and tablets! remember is a squeeze, not a sales page.

I would also remove some bullet points and create urgency.

Show us your results!

[WinstonTian]

[1]
The divisive line in the middle immediately cut the page into
two. Move your photo at least under your main headline. Your
main headline should be the "umbrella" so that it can encourage
reading of the next line.

[2]
Your headline: "No Matter Where You Current Are"

It seems to focus on the benefit that you can do it even
though you're in the US, UK, Canada, Australia, etc.

I mean... duh.

It's common knowledge that a fitness program can be done
anywhere. UNLESS....

--- You don't require exercise equipment

*Specificity, my friend.*

[3]
Is it just an "exercise"? Heck, no! Reframe it.

Talk about the outcome. The benefits. Make them admire its
glory... and crave for it.

[4]
"These Mindset Tricks Have Given Me and Edge an Continue to
do so to This Day"

With that statement, Johnny might think you grew a horn.
Or that you got a steak knife for a birthday present.

What is an EDGE?

Do you mean...

--- Speeding down a tunnel of unshakeable focus?
--- Rippling out that hot musculature in a month?

[5]
"How doubt and uncertainty can actually be used as training
tool"

Try dimensionalizing some of your bullets.
They have functional benefits, but they just don't LEAP out of
the page into your face.

KILL that little voice at the back of your head and wipe away
your vocabulary of doubt, uncertainty and self-sabotage...


[6]
I think your problem is that you tend to jump through
checkpoints of logic. You leap immediately from checkpoint #1
to the checkpoint #59.

You need to patronize your reader - and follow him in his logic.

"The true principles of conditioning?"
You assume: He knows what conditioning means. He thinks
conditioning does something bad.

In reality: He has no bleeding idea what kind of conditioning
you're talking about. He doesn't know what it causes.

Always ask...

"WHY?"
"So What, What Is In It For Me?"

If you want to go even deeper, try the 5 Ws and 1H.

(Who, what, when, where, why and how.)

Winston Tian

[cbx]

Originally Posted by WinstonTian

[1]
The divisive line in the middle immediately cut the page into
two. Move your photo at least under your main headline. Your
main headline should be the "umbrella" so that it can encourage
reading of the next line.

Yeah, good point. Do you think I should do it in 2 rows instead of 2 columns?
[2]

Originally Posted by WinstonTian

Your headline: "No Matter Where You Current Are"

It seems to focus on the benefit that you can do it even
though you're in the US, UK, Canada, Australia, etc.

I mean... duh.

It's common knowledge that a fitness program can be done
anywhere. UNLESS....

--- You don't require exercise equipment

*Specificity, my friend.*

Ah, interesting how you interpreted that. I meant it in the sense of "where you currently are in your level of fitness and in relation to your goals".
However, you'll find that this is not my most up to date script. If you read further down in this thread, I posted a second attempt where I changed the headline.

Originally Posted by WinstonTian

[4]"These Mindset Tricks Have Given Me and Edge an Continue to
do so to This Day"

With that statement, Johnny might think you grew a horn.
Or that you got a steak knife for a birthday present.

What is an EDGE?

Do you mean...

--- Speeding down a tunnel of unshakeable focus?
--- Rippling out that hot musculature in a month?

you've given something to think about. How necessary is a sub heading in a squeeze page anyway? What kind of script should place in a sub heading?

Originally Posted by WinstonTian

[6]
I think your problem is that you tend to jump through
checkpoints of logic. You leap immediately from checkpoint #1
to the checkpoint #59.


You need to patronize your reader - and follow him in his logic.

Noted. Do I need to speak to they think they need? I.e, weight loss, strength gain, looking fine

Originally Posted by WinstonTian

"The true principles of conditioning?"
You assume: He knows what conditioning means. He thinks
conditioning does something bad.

In reality: He has no bleeding idea what kind of conditioning
you're talking about. He doesn't know what it causes.

Mmm...I need to present that from a different angle. Thanks.

Originally Posted by WinstonTian

Always ask...

"WHY?"
"So What, What Is In It For Me?"

If you want to go even deeper, try the 5 Ws and 1H.

(Who, what, when, where, why and how.)

Winston Tian

Thanks, winston. I'll use that on my next attempt.

[cbx]

Originally Posted by Lorenzo Basil

You must clean the design, the post #5 from Andrew Gould was getting it, I would reduce the height to be above the fold in conventional PC and tablets! remember is a squeeze, not a sales page.

I would also remove some bullet points and create urgency.

Show us your results!

Remove some bullet points? Ok, interesting. Thanks

[cbx]

Quick question about the Squeeze box to use. Should I use something a little more generic? Or is the runner box ok?

Also, curious about what color I should use.

[cbx]

Originally Posted by Sid Hale

Clinton,

I hated the borders around the various elements of the page, and the whole thing was sitting on the left side of the page.

I didn't want to pre-suppose a lot, and misinterpret what you were trying to do, but I took the liberty of cleaning up some of the visual elements (and added one word of text), to create what I think is a much more pleasing squeeze page for you at:

6 top fitness mindset secrets

If you like it, or feel like it gets you a little further ahead, feel free to

• Right Click, View Source
• Select All
• copy/paste it into a new file for your own use

Hope this helps,

I'm lost at "right click, view source". What browser are you using?

[Sid Hale]

Originally Posted by cbx

Thanks Sid,

That was my first atempt and the reason it sat left was because I didn't use CSS. I wonder, how did you centre it and keep the background? When I tried mine, I lost background and the copyright text had to be placed within the left column table.

I did very little. If you follow the instructions I gave you to copy the HTML for that page, just save it as a new file name.

Then you can compare the HTML with the HTML from the original.

You'll learn much better from that exercise, than you would from me just telling you.

[Sid Hale]

Originally Posted by cbx

I'm lost at "right click, view source". What browser are you using?

In IE, it's "View Source"
In Firefox, it's "View Page Source"
In Chrome, it's "View page source"


Do the "Right Click" outside of any table (i.e. on the page background)

[cbx]

Originally Posted by Sid Hale

In IE, it's "View Source"
In Firefox, it's "View Page Source"
In Chrome, it's "View page source"


Do the "Right Click" outside of any table (i.e. on the page background)

Thanks Sid,

I figured it out. On chrome, I had to open the link hen I right clicked on that page and viewed source. I was having trouble when I was using opera. My default browser. Probably not the best for this sort of thing.

[cbx]

I'm still wondering what I should go with when it comes to a webform. Should I go with something a little more generic looking than the previous 2 I've tried?

I see a lot of webforms on squeeze pages with an arrow or 2 near it or on it. Should I gravitate more to that kind of squeeze box?

[cbx]

Ok. here is my freshest attempt.

6 top fitness mindset secrets

I used the source that Sid provided me. (Thanks again)

I changed around my phrasing of some of my bullets.

The header is the same as of my second attempt I think.

I got rid of the blue sub-heading. It didn't feel right.

And I tidied up the squeeze box. I'm still uncertain about it.

Appreciate some fresh feedback.

[Sid Hale]

Clinton,

I am NOT a copywriter, but...
I would tighten up the Headline to something like:

Free Report...
6 Powerful Ways to Achieve Your
Weight Loss and Fitness Goals

That would allow your optin form to move up on the page.

I would also eliminate (or drastically reduce) all that text, and
the circular green image that is currently above the optin form,
again, with the goal being to move the optin form higher on the
page.

Hope this helps,

[cbx]

Ok, I've made some fresh tweeks.

I took Sid's advice with the headline and condenced the headline and also used the '...' I think that to be a nice touch. (thanks again, Sid)

I also reduced it's font size to header 2. I thought it might have been unnecessarily bold.

And I also took out 2 bullet points. As pointed out by Lorenzo, 6 was a bit much. I did put one back in that says 'And more unique advice that will give you a mental edge that will bring you closer to achieving your fitness goals'. But mainly, the 2 bullet points I took out had a little too much text (4-5 lines each).

Here's the link again
6 top fitness mindset secrets

Please tell me what you guys thinks.

Thanks. Appreciate.

Clinton