My first sales letter - constructive criticism needed please.

[SandyDuPlessis]

After a great deal of struggling, I have finally managed to put my first sales letter together. I know it is not perfect and there are a great many improvements that can probably be made.

Unfortunately, I am just not experienced enough to know how to make it better and would really appreciate input from experienced copywriters.

http://www.BehavioralProblemsInChildren.com

Thanks

Sandy

[Collette]

Hi Sandy - I ad a quick glance at your copy. What immediately jumped out at me is that your copy has a split focus.

On the one hand, you're talking about the parent's frustrations with trying to solve the child's behavioral problem (emotional appeal), and on the other hand you're talking about "what the pharmaceutical companies don't wnat you to know" (logic appeal).

You've given them both equal weight in your copy. Which means neither one makes a persuasive argument for you.

Because you're speaking to parents, I would probably go with the emotional hook - Is your life a living hell because of your child's temper tantrums and emotional meltdowns? - followed by the "here's how you solve your problem without using harmful prescription medication" solution.

You can weave in the rationale for the Big Pharma (they make scads of money off of poisioning your kid) without detracting from your central persuasion theme - I'm going to show you how you can have the lovable, happy, well-behaved child you always dreamed of.

Hope that helps.

[tgrpublishing]

Sandy,

I didn't see any happy ending to your story. You talk about how you had problems with your kids, how they were misdiagnosed, how you decided to take it one day at a time... and then suddenly they're in their 30s and still "haunted" by their childhood.

There's nothing in there that makes me think that what you know is worth any money at all.

Your headline and copy don't provide any benefits that I can relate to. There's no "solution" to my problem here, just all the background information that you've dug up. Once I've read the book, what do I do then?

People want step-by-step guides. They want easy to digest, foolproof walkthroughs. Action plans. Anything that they can put into use immediately to help relieve their pain and solve their problems.

Provide that solution, describe it properly and pitch it correctly to your prospect, and the sale is inevitable.

Oh, and you should raise the price. If you really can help them overcome all the problems they're having with problem children, it's worth waaaay more than $10. Many parents would happily pay hundreds of dollars I would imagine. You should charge at least $20, if not $30-40.

Plus, you could break it into a series of books on different topics and action plans, maybe include some videos and audios, and offer that as a "home study" course with weekly assignments for the parents and children together. That would be worth $100 or more!

Edit I should also says - congrats on the great niche. In the UK at the moment we have a real problem with bad parenting and the youth are running wild. The more information like this that we can get out there to help parents bring up their children properly and lovingly, the better for everyone. I hope it goes well for you

[SandyDuPlessis]

Collette,

What you have said makes a great deal of sense. Now I just have to work out how to change it properly. Thank you very much.

tgrpublishing,

As soon as I read my copy based on your comments, I could see where I had gone wrong, I guess I have quite a bit of work ahead of me. Much appreciated.

b4db0y,

Thanks for your comment. Not being a graphic designer, I don't have much of a clue, but will try to improve the overall layout.


Again,

Thanks for your input, I do appreciate your help.

Sandy

[Woody C]

I have reworked the sales page. What do you think of it now?

Behavioral Problems In Children

[DougHughes]

Hi Sandy, I would like to review your letter more but I am in a rush right now. A couple of things I notice in terms of design that will make your letter more readable.

1. Reduce the width of your page. In our tests, we have found that a good pixel width for pages is around 600. This makes reading easier because the eye doesn't travel so much.
2. We have found that red headlines keep people on the page longer.
3. I also recommend switching the body font to 12-14 pixel Arial. There are a number of studies that seem to support Arial being more legible on screen. I will offer up Ryan Diesses' split test studies as an example of one of these studies.

I know that doesn't have much to do with the actual writing but perhaps you can get some use out of this information.

[wrcato]

Howdy Sandy,
Just took a glimpse of your sales letter. One thing I found is that you use the word "Hard" or hardest to many times. I don't think hardest is a word as much as slang. Regardless, It was a word over used. Try severe or difficult.

Your headline and sub heads could use some spicing up. Add your strongest benefit to your headline, then the next strongest benefits to your subheads.

I would also place "Or your money back" and use it as your lead into your headline. like this:
If you are struggling to understand your child’s behavior problems, then I want to show you a lightning fast way to change there behavior problems for good… Because I am so confident of this product and what it can do for your SANITY, I’ll double your money back! No questions ask…

You don't have to use this of course. I wrote it to give you an example. But if you want to use it go ahead.

[ph1470]

Looks good! Excellent job

[David Maschke]

Hi Sandy,

I have a two year old screaming right now in the kitchen, fighting with his mother.

Your headline and subhead don't reveal that you know how I am feeling right now. My kid is being a spoiled little punk, and I need to know there is hope, light at the end of the tunnel.

Having an unruly child is hard.

It's not hard. It's freakin' frustrating and I'm ready to explode. The anger builds up and all I want to do is yell, spank the kid, or send him to his room in hopes the noise will be muffled.

Talk to me like you know what I'm going through. Build on that tension, then set the hook in me and reel me in.

You're being to civil with your writing.

No one thinks of kids as being "unruly". These kids are down right brats.

You have an absolute goldmine of emotions to play on, so use them in your letter without apology.

Edit: Not bad for your first letter

Dave

[SandyDuPlessis]

Doug, wrcato, ph1470, David

Thanks so much for the input, your remarks are invaluable, and I will
get working on them immediately.

When I speak one on one about the subject, I can get as excited as anything, but find it hard to put that emotion out in print. I will have to work on that.

In fact, I now see the need for one extra chapter in
the guide as well.

Again thank you, you have all been a great help.

Sandy