Please Review My Website

[jestershaw]

I have been in the copywriting section many times but I was always afraid to let someone else tell me how I am doing something wrong on my website. Well, it's time I bit the bullet and let my fellow warriors critique me. I would be very grateful if some of you awesome writers could take a look at my site...astral-journey.com.

I appreciate any assistance on this. The site is in my sig.

Thanks

[Chris Ramsey]

Hey JesterShaw,

Here are a few thoughts on your page...

• The headline needs to grab attention
  Right now your headline is rather bland. It's an interesting question, but it doesn't tell the reader exactly what they are getting on the page. This is super important. Without a headline that explains why they want to stay on the page, they will leave in a matter of seconds.
• The first few lines need to also grab attention
  It sounds like you're trying to introduce the topic to somebody. With the way your website is built, people will be visiting it only when they already know about astral projection. You should talk to them as such.
  
  Try giving your own experiences with it, or talk about how amazing it is to float over your own body watching yourself as you lie there. With this niche you can come up with all kinds of convincing and exciting reasons to read on.
• Your 'mini-reviews' don't look like reviews
  Consider changing the way you talk about your mini-reviews. Right now it just looks like you're advertising them, not reviewing them. You might want to put a star graph like you've got by the big reviews next to these as well. It'll help give the impression that it's a real review.

There's a lot that can be done here, but given these couple things you'll start to see a lot more conversions.

Good job on what you've got done! Most people don't even get this far!

[jestershaw]

Thank you so much for your assistance. I will put great thought into the headline and the intro.

[jestershaw]

More suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you.

[jestershaw]

I don't like posting site critiques in the main part of the forum so I am reposting here to get the attention to my post that I need.


I need some feedback about my website astral-journey.com.

I had one person give feedback and it was great but I wanted a pool of people so I could get a better feel for what I need to do.

I appreciate the help from my fellow Warriors and if you need anything do not hesitate in asking.

Thanks
Shawn

[Adaptive]

Hi Shawn, can you please change the title to "Please review astral-journey.com?"

Here are my impressions.

Fake-stars background. Random assortment of pretty/inspirational pictures. These would look nicer if a graphic designer did some kind of layout blending them into a unified whole.

Articles - about what? Should I go leave this page and look at the article directory?
Submit your article - since I haven't seen any articles yet - unless this is one - and I don't know what the topic is, I'm confused about why I'd want to submit?
Contact email - since I don't know who this is or what it's about why would I want to contact them?

Who is this page from and what it is about? I don't know. From the pictures, I'd guess something about beauty of nature and positive meditation.

Headline: what does the earth look like from Mars? I dunno, I'd guess NASA probably has a photo from a space probe. Why would someone put up a web page with a headline that they could have researched themselves and just show me the picture?

Some unidentified writer discusses miracles, doesn't answer the Mars question in the headline, and suddenly changes the subject to out of body experience, asking more questions and not answering them.

Then the subject suddenly changes to the idea of buying products about astral projection.

Why would friends and family of the unidentified writer be reliable experts about products or about astral projection?

How the heck would I know which technique to choose when you've already lost me? Confronted with another question. At least this one has some answers provided, at last.

"We stumbled upon"... so are YOU the creator of the binaural beats technique?

Choice 2 says I need a guide.

Choice 3 says I don't need a guide, I do need a lifetime, no I don't I only need 10 minutes.

If getting confused is the best way to leave my body then I'm halfway out of my skin by now.

Then there's some kind of goofy half-assed fake review thingy with five stars for everything.

Shawn, I'm going to be harsh: I don't see anything here that tries to get the attention and interest of any particular identifiable market. I don't see any effort to build rapport, demonstrate empathy or demonstrate expertise. I don't see anything that builds desire towards discovering the out of body experience. I don't see anything the builds desire towards considering your reviews to be informed and trustworthy. I don't see the slightest reason why I'd want to bother reading the whole page, let alone click on any of the other sites with buttons that look like I might be charged something by Paypal. I see an apparently random collection of unanswered questions and unexplored diversions, without any kind of progression that a high school English teacher could recognize as a theme or outline. I don't see anything that I'd recognize as a proven copywriting technique focused on helping the reader tune in to station WIIFM (What's In It For ME?).

Why in the world would anyone want to spend a second on your site when there are ones like this to choose from: The Monroe Institute, HeartMath - a change of heart changes everything - stress relief & stress management products, Out of Body Experience Research Foundation (OBERF), or even Astral Travel - Telepathy and Dream Control? Let alone the huge discussion forums offered by David Icke? What value do you provide that is unique beneficial and far beyond what any of these offer?

Sorry, from inside this 3D consciousness body, I'm at a loss as to what to do with your site.

Regards,
Allen

[jestershaw]

This was harsh but it was exactly what I need. Thank you very very much for this reality check. I am going to be doing some major revising.

Thanks

[jestershaw]

Do you have any suggestions for my site astral-journey.com? I recieved a ton of sarcasm but no suggestions. I would be willing to pay if you are a writer.

[Adaptive]

I recieved a ton of sarcasm but no suggestions.

If you're referring to my review, I think that's not accurate. I think I was more frustrated than sarcastic.

My suggestion is that you revise your business plan before doing more copywriting.

If it genuinely is a subject you love, I recommend you review the competition and consider what niche you can realistically gain in the field. Rating the experts is a valid service and does get paid in several fields, so it might in the esoteric Astral Travel/OOBE field as well. If you don't genuinely love the subject, then research another market you could serve with passion.

Regards,
Allen

[jestershaw]

Originally Posted by Adaptive

If you're referring to my review, I think that's not accurate. I think I was more frustrated than sarcastic.

My suggestion is that you revise your business plan before doing more copywriting.

If it genuinely is a subject you love, I recommend you review the competition and consider what niche you can realistically gain in the field. Rating the experts is a valid service and does get paid in several fields, so it might in the esoteric Astral Travel/OOBE field as well. If you don't genuinely love the subject, then research another market you could serve with passion.

Regards,
Allen

I really do love the subject but cannot write for the life of me. I am truly well read and practiced when it comes to astral projection. I am just not well versed when it comes to designing website and writing copy. I don't have a ton of money to hire someone else to do the work. What I am going to do is take apart my website line by line and try to make it more coherent.

Thanks for all of your advice. I know you put some work into your reply earlier today and I am sorry if I didn't accept it as graciously as I should have.

Thanks again,
Shawn

[Adaptive]

I really do love the subject but cannot write for the life of me.

That's actually a wonderful problem to have! Why? Because it's solvable.

When you have more money, you can hire people who have the skills you don't have.

Meanwhile, there might be a writing and marketing expert who'd be willing to do a joint venture.

Meanwhile, you can use some of the greatest sales techniques of all time as your models. Look at the names, sites and letters that keep getting mentioned here as best of the best.

But before you do that, I really do encourage you to think about what role you'd most like to have in your field, and what offer best puts you into that role. Do you want to be known as the guy who does the best reviews of astral travel materials? Do you want to present your own course as an expert? Would you like to sell subscriptions to a weekly or monthly conference call? Would you like to conduct live seminars?

Then write a sales letter that is all about that offer.

Thanks for all of your advice.

No problem, that's what the forum is all about... sharing our knowledge to help each other grow in this new way of doing business.

Regards,
Allen

[Keeslover]

Jestershaw,

I don't know much about astral projection, so wasn't really sure what the focus of the site was and how the headline related to it. I think once you know exactly what you want to accomplish with the site you'll see very clearly how to move forward.

I for one would be happy to help you more - just give me a holler.

Melody

[jestershaw]

Melody,

Thank you for the offer. I could use the help.

What I am going to do is concentrate on the Advice Allen gave me and work at defining my goals. Then I will concentrate on re-writing my website. If you are a writer you may be of assistance if you would like.

Thank you everyone for your help.

Shawn

[Keeslover]

Just PM me if you need help later on.

Melody

[jestershaw]

Ok,

I have a "rough draft" of a page that I may use as my main page. I put a little more thought into it than my previous page.

astral-journey.com/links/NewDraft.html

Please concentrate on the writing and not as much on the design.

Thank you so much.

[tiad]

I would make "Out of body experience..." stand out A LOT more. I had to read the thing twice before I could figure out what it was about. I would also make your story a little more mystical. It should give me goose bumps.

[Patrick Judge]

Hi I think if I could understand the site a bit more, like whats it about, maybe you could say
have a headline

Out Of Body Experience

and maybe start with

In my years of practicing astral projection I have had many people ask how I do it and whether I could teach them how to do it. My name is...blah blah blah and what happened you, you know like as if you were telling a friend.

I would like to also see your picture on page.

The graphic on unexplainable on astral projection looks good instead of the pictures you have, its a person lying down and then themself coming out of their body...that looks good.

A good picture on the page would be good

Actually I like buzzing round with graphics and pcitures so I did one just to give you idea
see photomagic on my website, it was just a quick picture, anyway you get the idea, I say things like that could add that bit of extra effect

Hey maybe I should take up copywriting lol





Patrick

[Adaptive]

Please concentrate on the writing and not as much on the design.

OK.

I still have the same concerns about the top. There should be some indication of what the site is. Also, the three article links are distracting.

The headline question is an advanced question, but then the text seems aimed at beginners in the field. This seems a bit complicated.

How about instead starting with

"Dear spiritual seeker,"

or some other way to indicate and greet your ideal reader?

The "My name is..." paragraph should be the opening paragraph after your greeting.

I am starting out with a review of Unexplainable.net and I will add more reviews on a weekly basis.

Excellent, that lets people know what to expect and gives a reason for returning. Eventually you'll build up a nice library of review pages.

Astral Projection and other phenomenon outside the natural scope of human experience.

There you go, you can put that near the top to indicate the theme of your site.

As for formatting, I wonder if this guy's psychic articles format might work for your collection of reviews. The Enchanted World of Amy Zerner and Monte Farber
And here's a site that gives away a free ebook about their take on spirituality. Huna on-line community. Free Huna Techniques. Hale o Kahuna.

Regards,
Allen

[jestershaw]

Allen,

Thanks again for all of your help.

I will get the hang of this.

You are a gentleman and a scholar.

Shawn

Originally Posted by Adaptive

OK.

I still have the same concerns about the top. There should be some indication of what the site is. Also, the three article links are distracting.

The headline question is an advanced question, but then the text seems aimed at beginners in the field. This seems a bit complicated.

How about instead starting with

"Dear spiritual seeker,"

or some other way to indicate and greet your ideal reader?

The "My name is..." paragraph should be the opening paragraph after your greeting.


Excellent, that lets people know what to expect and gives a reason for returning. Eventually you'll build up a nice library of review pages.


There you go, you can put that near the top to indicate the theme of your site.

As for formatting, I wonder if this guy's psychic articles format might work for your collection of reviews. The Enchanted World of Amy Zerner and Monte Farber
And here's a site that gives away a free ebook about their take on spirituality. Huna on-line community. Free Huna Techniques. Hale o Kahuna.

Regards,
Allen