what do I ditch from this sales letter?

[David]

Hi all, my main site's salespage was written based on help received right here, and it was way, WAY better than what I had before.

I've fiddled with it and now feels it's too cluttered. I do SEO, local SEO and I'm always adding stuff that I want the SE to see, and adding stuff to have the page be 'frequently updated' so the spiders will see that as well.

For the most part (link building) I write copy with Googlebot as the 'target audience', I brag too much (I fear) when it comes to writing with humans as the target audience... which is why I'm asking for help here.

Internet Advertising for Maryland- Local Google Advertising Experts- Frederick Web Promotions

it ranks so freakin high I'm afraid to change much. but conversions are the end goal so please help.

lemme have it, I know it's too cluttered and I know the kitchen sink is in there too (and has to come out)

what do I ditch?

Thanks in advance

[jonb]

Yeah, there are way too many tangents.

I noticed this testimonial: "Since Dave took over my site, I have steadily ranked on the first page when searched under Frederick Maryland printers.....At this rate, I will quadruple my sales this year."

Why not start with that story? Something like:

--------------------------------------------

When Acme Printers came to me for help, they were getting exactly zero calls a day from their internet efforts. And now? I'll let Acme's owner Christopher tell the rest:

"Since Dave took over my site, I have steadily ranked on the first page when searched under Frederick Maryland printers.....At this rate, I will quadruple my sales this year."

And Acme's not alone. I've helped many businesses -- just like yours -- use the internet to build a quality customer base at a very low cost. Here's how I do it:

then list your services.


-----------------------------------------


Obviously, this was down & dirty, but you get the idea. Start with the customer, not with you. that's the main thing I'd tell you. Lose the statistics -- everyone knows the internet is important by now. Stick to the basics -- here are some companies I've helped. How may I help you?

[David]

Originally Posted by jonb

Yeah, there are way too many tangents.

I noticed this testimonial: "Since Dave took over my site, I have steadily ranked on the first page when searched under Frederick Maryland printers.....At this rate, I will quadruple my sales this year."

Why not start with that story? Something like:

--------------------------------------------

When Acme Printers came to me for help, they were getting exactly zero calls a day from their internet efforts. And now? I'll let Acme's owner Christopher tell the rest:

"Since Dave took over my site, I have steadily ranked on the first page when searched under Frederick Maryland printers.....At this rate, I will quadruple my sales this year."

And Acme's not alone. I've helped many businesses -- just like yours -- use the internet to build a quality customer base at a very low cost. Here's how I do it:

then list your services.


-----------------------------------------


Obviously, this was down & dirty, but you get the idea. Start with the customer, not with you. that's the main thing I'd tell you. Lose the statistics -- everyone knows the internet is important by now. Stick to the basics -- here are some companies I've helped. How may I help you?

Great advice!!

I keep saying "I" did this and "I" did that

what you suggested is spot on!

I included the testimonials... (and I've got more, on yelp etc) but it never occurred to me to embellish them with a line in front of and another after the testimonial

Good Stuff.... I'll bet who ever pays you for copywriting is very happy with what you do for them!!


---

about the statistics...

I gotta decide, for real, if I want to keep targeting the market of small businesses that are not internet savvy. I've got people who can't even use email, half of em still have dialup, can not be on the phone and internet at the same time, still use AOL

Those are 'low hanging fruit" but they sure are a pain to keep handling all the customer service for them.

If I'm gonna keep on doing customer service (for free) I'm going to have to quadruple my fees (actually more than that)

I started with those small businesses because I needed a portfolio

got one now

Portfolio pictures from news photos on webshots

thanks

[jonb]

Originally Posted by David

Good Stuff.... I'll bet who ever pays you for copywriting is very happy with what you do for them!!

Thanks. My freelance copywriting days are more or less behind me. These days, I just write copy for my own business. That keeps me plenty busy.

But it's fun to come on here and lend folks a hand. Beats cranking out gobbledygook for some fortune 500 corporation. Lord knows, I did my share of that!

[Bruce NewMedia]

David, I agree the site is very cluttered, to use your expression.

Particularly at the top its looks like a giant business card with all the contact info stacked one on top of the next!

Agree with other poster you don't need most of the "internet is important" stats anymore.
Maybe 10 years ago, but not so much today. So, much of that boilerplate Internet stuff could come be ditched.

Site is still too dense and needs design to be spread out more. Also find a a font size for body copy and one for subheads and stick with them. Right now there's too many sizes spread all over the page. Hard to know what's important and whats not.

Big Problem I see? NO OFFER! Wheres the "Grab Them By The Shirtcollar" offer that make makes them want to call or email you? There is no offer, at least as far as I can tell.

Why not create a CAN'T LOSE offer for visitors, like "Free Website Profitability Review"
of their existing site OR a " FREE Website Proposal" if they have no site now.
You really need to lead visitors to the water in this case.
_____
Bruce

[David]

Originally Posted by brucerby

David, I agree the site is very cluttered, to use your expression.

Particularly at the top its looks like a giant business card with all the contact info stacked one on top of the next!

Agree with other poster you don't need most of the "internet is important" stats anymore.
Maybe 10 years ago, but not so much today. So, much of that boilerplate Internet stuff could come be ditched.

Site is still too dense and needs design to be spread out more. Also find a a font size for body copy and one for subheads and stick with them. Right now there's too many sizes spread all over the page. Hard to know what's important and whats not.

Big Problem I see? NO OFFER! Wheres the "Grab Them By The Shirtcollar" offer that make makes them want to call or email you? There is no offer, at least as far as I can tell.

Why not create a CAN'T LOSE offer for visitors, like "Free Website Profitability Review"
of their existing site OR a " FREE Website Proposal" if they have no site now.
You really need to lead visitors to the water in this case.
_____
Bruce

Bruce? I can not alter the top of the page, the site is hosted on a CMS that functions solely as a business card website... one that kicks a** in local searches (why do you think I stay with them?)

Thanks Bruce... I cleaned it up a bit, I'd missed the fact that I had several fonts and fixed that.

Take a peek now please: Internet Advertising for Maryland- Maryland Search Engine Optimization- Frederick Web Promotions

I should probably ditch some more but I featured the reviews more prominently.

What do you think of the flash presentation... doesn't that show you exactly what you'd be getting?

thanks for all of everyone's suggestions

the last time I came to this part of the forum for help I was really, REALLY grateful that you all are here

What do you all think?

I'm gonna sleep on it before I change any more, am anxiously awaiting further valuable input from fellow Warriors with more time under their belt than I have

[colmodwyer]

You waste that top left real estate with a picture I think... That's where the eyes go first, so why not add a little eyebrow (pre-head) that qualifies the reader?

There's no obvious headline either.

I think the biggest reason it looks cluttered is formatting, not necessarily because there's too much stuff on there. Clean it up, open it out a bit, add color, add sub-heads, johnson boxes for the testimonials and so on.

There's a little rule for a call to action I read in a book called - Don't Make Me Think - a few years ago. It went something a long the lines of, if you can't see your call to action standing 5 feet from your computer - it's not obvious enough.

I think your call to action would fail that test.

Jon is spot on with that testimonial too, here's the pull quote - "I'll QUADRUPLE My Sales!"

Colm

[David]

Originally Posted by colmodwyer

You waste that top left real estate with a picture I think... That's where the eyes go first, so why not add a little eyebrow (pre-head) that qualifies the reader?

There's no obvious headline either.

I think the biggest reason it looks cluttered is formatting, not necessarily because there's too much stuff on there. Clean it up, open it out a bit, add color, add sub-heads, johnson boxes for the testimonials and so on.

There's a little rule for a call to action I read in a book called - Don't Make Me Think - a few years ago. It went something a long the lines of, if you can't see your call to action standing 5 feet from your computer - it's not obvious enough.

I think your call to action would fail that test.

Jon is spot on with that testimonial too, here's the pull quote - "I'll QUADRUPLE My Sales!"

Colm

OK, you're right... umm, johnson boxes ?

I think I know what you're talking about, this site is built with a WYSIWYG editor
I'd have to hand code that... lemme see now
I've been blogging so long I almost forget how to code that.

So.. tables are passe now correct?
I gotta do it with <div> somehow?

I know you're about to say 'do it with CSS' but I can't, don't have access to that in this CMS

I *could* google the term 'johnson box' but I fear that's an insider term maybe?

[David]

OK, I figure I'm halfway there.

Didn't know what a 'johnson box' was:

Googled it: http://www.google.com/search?source=...le+Search&aq=f

selected this one (the third one down as google shows up here)

Waht is a Johnson box and how to use one? | Bling Copywriting ...
Nov 3, 2008 ... A Johnson box is a design feature to make your sales page look more ... bullet points (listing features and benefits); testimonials ...
blingcopywriting.com/what-is-a-johnson-box-and-how-do-i-make-one - 32k -

this site didn't have the code so I had to look at the source code for the example provided

...and COOL, thanks guys!

Took what colm and bruce said and came up with this:

http://www.frederickewebpromotions.com

It's better... but still needs stuff ditched.

am open to suggestions, should I lose the details of the pro bono work I did:

Frederick Web Promotions performs online PR for 501c3 non profit organizations for FREE

Our non profit client list includes:

* A Mission of Mercy
* Frederick County Public Library
* Goodwill Industries of the Monocacy Valley

Donate to Maryland's A Mission of Mercy on FaceBook here


that could be pruned to something that gets the point across without me breakin my arm pating myself on the back... don'tcha think?

[activetrader]

I can see a number of major flaws here, so I will try to summarize as short as possible:

1. Meta tags - "SEO, search engine, search engine optimization, local Google advertising, web advertising, search engine marketing, organic search results, Maryland internet advertising, local internet advertising"

I am seriously doubtful that local business owners who are your prospects are at the least knowlegeable of ANY and ALL of those words! Did you do any research as to what exactly local business owners who are not Internet-savvy are inputting in Google to find this type of service? Try "how to advertise my business on line", "how can I find clients through advertising online" and variations, seriously. You'll get a lot better targeted traffic.

Secondly, since your business is local you absolutely must put your State, County, cities, counties where you intend on doing your business in your meta tags.

Thirdly, your language is too technical. Local business owners don't care about SEO, being number 1 on google, having multiple listings on the first page of Google, etc. They care about sales. Why don't you say something like this: "Are you looking to advertise your business on line? If so, you've come to the right place! Read our clients testimonials on this page to learn shocking facts about how we helped them tripple their revenues in just four months by implementing our strategic approach to Internet advertising"

Lastly, do not tell them how to do that. You are not here to educate them about having multipe listings on google. You are here to sell your service. You are here to help them make more money through advertising online. Don't tell them how you do that. Show them testimonials and results. You don't want to educate them. If you educate them, you are running a risk that they will say, thanks for the info and go look to hire someone else for cheaper or do it themselves once they know how to.

Hope that helps

[Loren Woirhaye]

A salespage should ask CLEARLY for the visitor to take action.

I don't see a call-to-action here. Not an opt-in box, nor
a request for consultation, nor a free guide to marketing
one's local business with SEO.

If this site is making you money I would be surprised.
Not because I see no value, but because your presentation
is all over the place and has no call to action.


Graphics are cluttered and loud. Sometimes loud, ugly,
or complex is good, but not here. Don't confuse people by
linking to Twitter and all that crap. Keep them focused on
doing ONE THING - responding to your selling message.

[Adaptive]

Activetrader and Loren are 100% right on.

As an engineer, David, you're selling features. Buyers want to buy benefits, not features.

FedEx does not sell you on their million row per second Oracle stored procedure to optimize barcode scanning. They sell you on the results they can obtain with their distribution system.

McDonald's does not sell you on their operations checklist that lets any teenager make completely consistent fries. They sell you on a predictable meal and a place to eat it.

How can you sell the results rather than the process?

If you were on a 12 hour airplane ride with someone who loves to talk business and has rabid seizures any time a buzzword is spoken, how would you make pleasant conversation?

Regards,
Allen

[David]

Originally Posted by activetrader

I can see a number of major flaws here, so I will try to summarize as short as possible:

1. Meta tags - "SEO, search engine, search engine optimization, local Google advertising, web advertising, search engine marketing, organic search results, Maryland internet advertising, local internet advertising"

I am seriously doubtful that local business owners who are your prospects are at the least knowlegeable of ANY and ALL of those words! Did you do any research as to what exactly local business owners who are not Internet-savvy are inputting in Google to find this type of service? Try "how to advertise my business on line", "how can I find clients through advertising online" and variations, seriously. You'll get a lot better targeted traffic.

Secondly, since your business is local you absolutely must put your State, County, cities, counties where you intend on doing your business in your meta tags.

Thirdly, your language is too technical. Local business owners don't care about SEO, being number 1 on google, having multiple listings on the first page of Google, etc. They care about sales. Why don't you say something like this: "Are you looking to advertise your business on line? If so, you've come to the right place! Read our clients testimonials on this page to learn shocking facts about how we helped them tripple their revenues in just four months by implementing our strategic approach to Internet advertising"

Lastly, do not tell them how to do that. You are not here to educate them about having multipe listings on google. You are here to sell your service. You are here to help them make more money through advertising online. Don't tell them how you do that. Show them testimonials and results. You don't want to educate them. If you educate them, you are running a risk that they will say, thanks for the info and go look to hire someone else for cheaper or do it themselves once they know how to.

Hope that helps

meta tags altered, head line altered as recommended...

took out some other stuff too.

Thanks ActiveTrader

[David]

Originally Posted by Loren Woirhaye

A salespage should ask CLEARLY for the visitor to take action.

I don't see a call-to-action here. Not an opt-in box, nor
a request for consultation, nor a free guide to marketing
one's local business with SEO.

If this site is making you money I would be surprised.
Not because I see no value, but because your presentation
is all over the place and has no call to action.


Graphics are cluttered and loud. Sometimes loud, ugly,
or complex is good, but not here. Don't confuse people by
linking to Twitter and all that crap. Keep them focused on
doing ONE THING - responding to your selling message.

Thanks Loren, I thought about the graphics and removed all but the Facebook one,
My target market does not even know what a twitter is or why they'd want one, ditto for MyBlogLog and MySpace.

Facebook is my sole source of clients, so I kept that.

and am uploading autoresponder for email capture now.

[absolutelee]

Hi David!

Just read your sales letter. Basically, you've got all the right elements, it's just that they're all jumbled. Especially from the bottom of the last testimonial on down.

Here are some things to fix:

1) You need a headline where it says "Are you looking for ..." at the top. Find out the maximum you've been able to do for a client. (Increase whatever by 167%.) A good headline would be something like:

Increase Your Website's Whatever by 167% In Less Than Three Days

That's not great, but you get the point. The headline is the only thing most people will read. It has to contain the main benefit. If it doesn't "hook" them, they're gone.

2) You need to decide what you're selling. At the bottom of the letter, I couldn't tell what you wanted me to do. Also, there was more than one selling proposition at the bottom. If you have several services you sell, then chose one for this letter.

Probably a better approach would be to have the prospect fill in an opt-in box and get a report, or a white paper. That giveaway needs to be something they would want. You can use the headline of your sales letter to guide you.

3) Once people opt-in, you've got their email address on Aweber. Have an email series. About 10 emails, then send out a broadcast once every two weeks or so. Also, this way you're getting clients for the future.

Well, that's my two cents. Hope it helps.

You could always hire a professional to write the letter for you.

Lee

[Oliver Karl]

Well, I guess you can do something to fix the clutters. Iam not really that knowledgeable when it come to this kinds, but reading blog like this help me too to have ideas how it works. I hope you can find somebody to help you. Thank you