Critique My First Sales Letter Please

[Sylvia Meier]

Hey everyone,
I would like to ask if anyone could give me any criticism on my first sales letter. As I said it is my first one so I am sure it is really kinda rough.

Weekly Moments

Any comments greatly appreciated,
Sylvia

[MaskedMarketer]

With the headline you have, I'm not really clear on what you are selling and the benefit (whats your offer? What are you offering me?) Maybe you can make it more clear?

[Sylvia Meier]

Okay I changed the headline to better reflect the product benefits and problem.

[zapseo]

Sylvia -- LOVE the concept and the product idea.

But first -- I would not use "weekly". It's a homonym with, well, "weakly", and this has the potential to trigger feelings you simply don't want the reader of your salesletter feeling.

And only a moment?

If I felt that way 90% of the time, I'd need a whole lot more than a weekly moment, let me tell you!

A "weakly" moment ain't much of a benefit.

And it certainly doesn't seem to hold much promise against all the trials & tribulations you are describing.

Later in the letter is better.

But it's too late.

I'd feel depressed --trapped -- just reading the headline.

Putting myself in the position of your market -- I'm stressed, I'm harried -- I seriously want someone to throw me a lifesaver. A "weekly moment" doesn't sound like it's got enough firepower to do that.

Live JoyFully!

Judy Kettenhofen, Profit Strategist/Copywriter
NextDay Copy

[Sylvia Meier]

Judy,
I understand what you are saying but from the market research I did, which is interviewing a lot of friends and my sisters and such they all kept coming back to the same thing, they wish they had, even for just a moment, time for themselves. And when I asked the type of time-frame they would prefer, they said they would want at least a weekly moment, because of the lack of time they have. I mentioned maybe having a daily moment and they said no way, doesn't seem so believable. Their lives come across as being so hectic that they don't expect in any way to have a daily moment to themselves, but that they should be able to get a weekly moment, hence how I came up with the name.

I never thought about the potential trigger of it being associated with "weak."

Any suggestions for a better headline then?

(I may just try it this way though because everyone in the "market" I am selling to seemed really caught by it and kept on reading it right to the guarantee.)

Thanks though for the input.

Sylvia

[Justin Mandel]

Sorry Sylvia I'm just not getting what a "weekly moment" really is.

IMHO you need to change this so your market *instantly* gets what you're trying to get across WITHOUT explaining it to them.

[Sylvia Meier]

Nevermind everyone. I had a wonderful warrior step forward and redo my efforts while keeping it very much me. To the warrior thank you very very much.

Sylvia

[zapseo]

And they did a nice job, Sylvia.

[Alexandre Valois]

Sylvia, forgive me if I sound like a prick here, but I really believe that someone has to ask now:

You say that a warrior stepped forward and gave you a hand (hat's off to the mysterious warrior). Congratulations on that.

Now, certainly you did learn something from the help that was provided? If so, care to share that nugget with us fellow copywriters?

I'm sure that could help a lot of struggling warriors.

...... On another note:

You mention that you did some research and asked people around you. This is truly a great way to start, actually interviewing your target market. But one thing to keep in mind when selling something, in order to ignite a person's passion, is to go further than they themselves go. Go where they don't dare, and move them.

They said they wanted, even if just for a moment, be able to have time to themselves.
Do you really think they just one "one moment"?
Or are they truly desperate to regain the dream, the glamour, the passion and feeling of youth?

These are just examples of the core emotions that your prospect will never tell you about when you ask what they want, but it is.

Now, sell them what they want, give them what they need, even if just "for a moment"

Hope this helps.

P.S: Great product idea, I'm sure you will do well with it.

[Zachary R. Skinner]

Your headline doesn't exactly grab the readers attention, it doesn't really say much of anything.

Try something like this instead:

If your romantic flame is starting to dim, then listen up as a....

"Former Relationship Therapist Reveals Her Most Closely Guarded Secrets GUARANTEED To Jumpstart Your Romantic Passion In Under 4 Weeks!"

And How You Can Reclaim Those Heartfelt Moments In Just 1 Night A Week And Without Spending THOUSANDS On Couple's Therapy!

A headline like this one should work much, much better for you. Now just send me $50 and we'll call it even.

Remember that with headlines you really have to grab people's attention and compel them to scroll further down the page. Often times this means adding a little hype.

With a headline like this one, readers will want to learn more about what you're offering and hopefully as they learn more they'll decide to buy.

I hope this helps!

[Sylvia Meier]

Originally Posted by Alexandre Valois

Sylvia, forgive me if I sound like a prick here, but I really believe that someone has to ask now:

You say that a warrior stepped forward and gave you a hand (hat's off to the mysterious warrior). Congratulations on that.

Now, certainly you did learn something from the help that was provided? If so, care to share that nugget with us fellow copywriters?

I'm sure that could help a lot of struggling warriors.

...... On another note:

You mention that you did some research and asked people around you. This is truly a great way to start, actually interviewing your target market. But one thing to keep in mind when selling something, in order to ignite a person's passion, is to go further than they themselves go. Go where they don't dare, and move them.

They said they wanted, even if just for a moment, be able to have time to themselves.
Do you really think they just one "one moment"?
Or are they truly desperate to regain the dream, the glamour, the passion and feeling of youth?

These are just examples of the core emotions that your prospect will never tell you about when you ask what they want, but it is.

Now, sell them what they want, give them what they need, even if just "for a moment"

Hope this helps.

P.S: Great product idea, I'm sure you will do well with it.

My first thing is I realized that writing sales letters is much different than writing articles and kudo's to the copywriters. It is a lot harder than it looks.

Secondly, I learned that you really have to push the emotion factor. Where I was trying, the real copywriter went well beyond.

And it seems from looking at more sales letters and such, it should be more on a personal level. There are so many that use it, so it obviously works. I wanted to try to refrain from it to some degree but once I read the new letter I realized how much better it works.

More later, dinner time.

[Sylvia Meier]

Originally Posted by Zachary R. Skinner

Your headline doesn't exactly grab the readers attention, it doesn't really say much of anything.

Try something like this instead:

If your romantic flame is starting to dim, then listen up as a....

"Former Relationship Therapist Reveals Her Most Closely Guarded Secrets GUARANTEED To Jumpstart Your Romantic Passion In Under 4 Weeks!"

And How You Can Reclaim Those Heartfelt Moments In Just 1 Night A Week And Without Spending THOUSANDS On Couple's Therapy!

A headline like this one should work much, much better for you. Now just send me $50 and we'll call it even.

Remember that with headlines you really have to grab people's attention and compel them to scroll further down the page. Often times this means adding a little hype.

With a headline like this one, readers will want to learn more about what you're offering and hopefully as they learn more they'll decide to buy.

I hope this helps!

Zachery,
I understand what you are saying but I don't want to come off like that. I want to be more just me. I don't want to start out with a BS line like former relationship therapist because well..Im not. This is written by one parent, mother, wife for other couples, not some big shot.

I am going to give it a go as is and then see where to go from there.

As for other things I learned from this trial and error. Just keep trying and ask for help when needed. The warriors are a wonderful bunch who will help you reach your goal as long as you take action on the advice given. Doing nothing with it means you are not going to gain anything from it either.

Thanks again everyone.

Sylvia

[TopNotchContent]

Sylvie,

You have a good start here. I would suggest split testing different headlines (subheads and cross heads) to see if there is any significant difference in conversions. Maybe go to the library and look at previous copies of Cosmo - they have great headlines to model.