Please BASH My 1st Sales Letter

[Alex Sol]

I have been at Internet Marketing for almost a year now. Mostly Affiliate Marketing. Well, Finally I launched my own info product - but my Copywriting skills are... well below average!

Any advice will be appreciated!

One Month Affiliate - The Online Money Making Video Guide

Alex

[zapseo]

Honey, let's be frank.

If your method has works like you say in your headline, you should be able to afford some of the best copywriting out there.

C'mon. That headline has needs a serious "credibility check".

[Alex Sol]

Originally Posted by zapseo

Honey, let's be frank.

If your method has works like you say in your headline, you should be able to afford some of the best copywriting out there.

C'mon. That headline has needs a serious "credibility check".

Well, copywriting interests me a lot and I'd like to learn it myself.

... also making $10k a month does not really allow you to hire a pro...

[zapseo]

If you're making 10K/mo and can't hire a pro then -- may I suggest you need to seriously look how you prioritize things.

Or do you mean to say that your expenses eat way into that 10K so you really don't have 10K in profit?

And if you are doing it in 9 hours a week, sweets, you should have plenty of time to duplicate it.

If you aren't duplicating it, why not?

Isn't it duplicatable?

Seriously. If I'm making $10K/mo working just 9 hours a week, I might bust my butt to a hard-working 20 hours a week to make more than $20K/mo.

Dang, I worked more hours than that a week while going to school fulltime.

PLEASE!

Got some better excuses ?

[Alex Sol]

Originally Posted by zapseo

If you're making 10K/mo and can't hire a pro then -- may I suggest you need to seriously look how you prioritize things.

Or do you mean to say that your expenses eat way into that 10K so you really don't have 10K in profit?

And if you are doing it in 9 hours a week, sweets, you should have plenty of time to duplicate it.

If you aren't duplicating it, why not?

Isn't it duplicatable?

Seriously. If I'm making $10K/mo working just 9 hours a week, I might bust my butt to a hard-working 20 hours a week to make more than $20K/mo.

Dang, I worked more hours than that a week while going to school fulltime.

PLEASE!

Got some better excuses ?

you see, we have different priorities.
My goal here is to work LESS and make MORE. Seems like it's the opposite for you.

When I published the product, I had to prove to Clickbank that the earnings screenshot was from one of my accounts, otherwise they wouldn't approve my product.

Now, I have better plans for my income than spending it on a copywirter and as I said earlier, copywriting interest me. If I always pay someone - will I ever learn it? NO.

Now. I asked to bash my sales page, not me. PLEASE read

Alex

[zapseo]

Ah....so we're going to throw insults around, eh?

Read between the lines. The critique IS about your copy.

It's about your credibility.

Your claim fails the "smell test".

I don't care what clickbank thinks. It matters not one whit to me, and probably not to too many of your prospects.

What people want to know is if it makes sense to them.

And you can surely have "made" $10K/month -- and have it cost you $9K (or more!) to get there.

[Alex Sol]

Originally Posted by zapseo

Ah....so we're going to throw insults around, eh?

Read between the lines. The critique IS about your copy.

It's about your credibility.

Your claim fails the "smell test".

I don't care what clickbank thinks. It matters not one whit to me, and probably not to too many of your prospects.

What people want to know is if it makes sense to them.

And you can surely have "made" $10K/month -- and have it cost you $9K (or more!) to get there.

No, the only money I spent was hosting and a few domains. Al my traffic is organic

Can you please elaborate on this:
"Your claim fails the "smell test"."?

Thanks

[zapseo]

It's NOT believable.

Why write an ebook about it? I doubt that writing an ebook (err... creating a videoguide) is gonna make you 10K/mo.

Capiche ?

The more outrageous the claim, the more proof is required.

Copywriters have been known to actually tone down claims in headlines simply
to make them more believable.

[Alex Sol]

Originally Posted by zapseo

It's NOT believable.

Why write an ebook about it? I doubt that writing an ebook is gonna make you 10K/mo.

Capiche ?

The more outrageous the claim, the more proof is required.

Copywriters have been known to actually tone down claims in headlines simply
to make them more believable.

Hmmm... you are putting me in a puzzle here.
So, if I make a Video of me logging into my CB account - will not be a good enough proof...

Than what would?

Any tips on establishing the "credibility" or/and "proof" in the copy?

Thanks,

Alex

[zapseo]

Tell you what, Alex...

You have something (possibly of value)

And I have something (definitely of value, according to testimonials that I have.

I'll give you 3, no, 4 things (gotta fix the headline) that you can do to improve -- dramatically -- your copy, and you give me a copy of your product.

Further, I'll even let the folks here on the forum decide whether those things will improve your results as well as you can test it out for yourself.

Ah dang, heck.

I'm a softie.

I'll even throw in 5.

Deal?

You know I ain't gonna soft-pedal it, and my credibility is on the line.

Live Joyfully!

Judy Kettenhofen, Profit Strategist/Copywriter
NextDay Copy

[Alex Sol]

Originally Posted by zapseo

Tell you what, Alex...

You have something (possibly of value)

And I have something (definitely of value, according to testimonials that I have.

I'll give you 3, no, 4 things (gotta fix the headline) that you can do to improve -- dramatically -- your copy, and you give me a copy of your product.

Further, I'll even let the folks here on the forum decide whether those things will improve your results as well as you can test it out for yourself.

Ah dang, heck.

I'm a softie.

I'll even throw in 5.

Deal?

You know I ain't gonna soft-pedal it, and my credibility is on the line.

Live Joyfully!

Judy Kettenhofen, Profit Strategist/Copywriter
NextDay Copy

Awesome offer!
I'll be happy to provide you a free copy of my product

check your PM's.

[zapseo]

There are a number of things...

You've got a GREAT story.

The part of the story to capitalize on is the REVENGE.

I mean, your employer did you dirt.

Now, I'm not quite sure how to capitalize on it -- that would take more work...but man, when I read that -- I instantly related. Who hasn't had dirt done them by an employer. Backing out of a promise like that.

So, that is actually #5, and maybe part of #4. If you play up that story in the headline, you'll have a hook --

You might (first attempt here) even capitalize on John Caples' "They Laughed When I Sat Down To The Piano...But When I Started To Play"
headline.

"They Laughed When I Asked For My Promised Raise, But When I Looked At My Clickbank Account..."

(Okay, that doesn't have the connectedness to it that it needs...but it's in the territory.)

People LOVE good stories. And that sounds like a good one.

And I love how you say you still have your VW and live in a small flat --no pictures of fancy cars. That adds a touch of uniqueness, if not credibility, to your story.

#1 was your guarantee. Your guarantee is "mealy mouthed". It doesn't have any teeth. The stronger your guarantee, the better your sales. I'm not sure whether it's in any of his videos -- but my friend John Ritz has some great comments on guarantees.

While you are restricted as to the length of guarantee that you can give being a CB merchant, you can still write a sterling, stimulating guarantee...one that has pluck, one that exudes so much confidence in your product that, if you could, you'd give a lifetime guarantee if CB allowed.

Also, Brian McElroy (and others) have some great guarantees. I think Brian's current "Overnight Product Blueprint" has a 100xROI guarantee. IOW, he stands by his product, saying that if it's not worth 100 times the cost to you, he'll give you his money back.) In fact, I think he says it more firmly than that -- go check out his guarantee and you'll see what I mean.

Okay, #2 You asked about proof.
There are a few things I said in my previous post that were proof elements.
1/ I was willing to have my comments stand up to public scrutiny and criticism. That's CONFIDENCE. And people LOVE confidence.
2/ I alluded to testimonials (something which would be easy for someone to track down thru my .sig, among other things.) Testimonials are a form of proof. In fact, since you said you've had a coaching program --how about getting some testimonials from your coaching students.

And what kinds of results they got.

If they got great results too, it proves a few things -- that you wouldn't even necessarily have to spell out:
1/ your system works
2/ it's teachable
3/ you have the ability to teach it.

Okay #3:
This may or may not work for you.
I would use video.
Most people think they can tell when people are lying or not. (First, I do believe it's possible, but scientists show that people actually are fairly poor at doing so. Google "truth detectors", I think it is, on the Web for some fascinating information.
I would use video, with the video on me, telling my story.
And not only would I put it on my sales page, I'd put it up on YouTube.
You may need to go thru it a few times to really get the most juice out of your story.

So, to summarize:
#1: Put some teeth into your guarantee. Make it unconditional.
#2: Add proof: testimionials
#3: Add proof: video yourself telling your story. (and maybe you can also include logging into your CB account...)
#4: Use part of your story for your headline. The "REVENGE" stuff could be killer.
#5: Streamline and utilize your story.

Okay -- 3 of the suggestions are about making better use of your story
-- telling it on video for proof
-- use it in your headline for a hook
-- use it in your your lead to grab people into your story and keep reading.

Alright folks -- have at it.

What do you think?

And Alex,

What do you think?

[Alex Sol]

Originally Posted by zapseo

There are a number of things...

...

And Alex,

What do you think?

Well, great advice - but I guess I have to read more COPYWRITING books and more SALES PAGES from the successful guys.

What you say there sounds great, even though I am not sure how to implement some of these stuff.

I do have testimonials (there is a link at the bottom of my sales page) I am just not sure HOW to PLUG them into my copy and WHERE exactly...

Last but not least:
My biggest issue with the sales copy is ... well the HEADLINE. I rewrote the whole sales copy maybe 5-6 times in the past 5 months, I changed the HEADLINE about 15 times. I understand what you mean by adding the "revenge" trigger but I just can't figure it out lol.

Some people are born copywriters, but most need to learn it. And it takes LOTS of failures.
I guess I will try to implement your advice and by testing I'll see what warks best.

Thanks so much for great killer tips

Alex

[zapseo]

Something else that would be helpful is...
Take the amount that you made the first month ...
then the 2nd month
then the next month ...and show how it's INCREASING...

I notice you have a WSO.

LOL -- people tend to be more outrageous in their WSO headlines (oops, too late now, I guess...can't change those WSO headlines.) but your salespage headline is by far more outrageous than your WSO headline.

As for the headline/lead -- look into storytelling, look into what makes great stories.

Another thing you might do is see if you can get someone to interview you. Let them interview you about your story.

[Alex Sol]

Originally Posted by zapseo

...

Another thing you might do is see if you can get someone to interview you. Let them interview you about your story.

And use it in the sales copy?... or for marketing purposes?


.... yeah, first WSO - waste of 20$.
I'll try to plan things better next time

[zapseo]

no end of ways you can use it.
I find that in conversations a lot of cool statements can come out.
It's almost like magic, seems to me -- a couple of creative people interacting, talking about stuff.

Stuff for copy, stuff for headlines, great quotes. All kinds of fun stuff.

It's not a waste of $20 yet...maybe add a little more oomph to your sig, maybe beef up the copy in the wso a little bit.

[Alan Paterson]

Hi,

In your subheading what do you mean by the buyer will see results or get their money back? Would you class 10,000 per month to be the required result, or would you class any money made to be a result?

From the actual heading I'd have thought 10,000 - but then I'd be immediately scrolling down to the bottom to see if there's a guarantee to clarifiy it, before reading on.

Alan

[MaskedMarketer]

You should be effectively selling your offer in the headline.. Whats your offer? Is it believable? Can you prove it?

You can also give news in your headline which can relate to your story...

"On the average, five times as many people read the headlines as read the body copy. It follows that, unless your headline sells your product, you have wasted 90 percent of your money." -David Ogilvy

[zapseo]

Boy -- Mr. MaskedMarketer -- I could not disagree with you more...

Sell the Offer in the Headline ???

What have you been drinking ? Or smoking?

Yes, Ogilvy, Caples, and so many others talk about the enormous pull of the headline.

But the headline is NOT to sell the offer, or even, necessarily, mention the product. None of those guys say that.

The purpose of the headline is this, very simply: To capture the visitor's attention and to get them to read the lead.

Period.

The point of mentioning the offer?

There are definitely cases where the offer MIGHT be mentioned in the headline.

But, hey, put your money where your mouth is...why not give us some great headlines where the offer is mentioned.

Not that I particularly enjoy dealing with anonymous characters.

The only thing we know about you is that you are the "MaskedMarketer" -- by what authority do you speak?

[MaskedMarketer]

Zapseo,

You are not disagreeing with me, but you may be disagreeing with Ogilvy, Joyner, and others. You do not have to put your offer in your headline copy, advertising copy or any of your copy, but it can be beneficial, if done correctly. If you re-read the quote from Ogilvy above, you will see that he does mention to put your product offer in the headline.

"On the average, five times as many people read the headlines as read the body copy. It follows that, unless your headline sells your product, you have wasted 90 percent of your money." -David OgilvyYou can disagree with him, but thats your opinion. And I understand the purpose of the headline is to catch attention- why can't you catch attention with your special offer?

The offer is the foundation of what sells your product and he says your headline should sell your product. You can have amazing copywriting, but if your offer sucks, you can weave all the sales hypnosis and NLP you want, but it probably won't make any difference.

And Zapseo, you are just as anonymous to me, as I am to you, so whats your point, this an online forum for discussion? And I am not speaking with any authority.. As you can see, Ogilvy recommends you sell your product in your headline- Its just ONE strategy, of many, you can use.

Not only does your WSO headline not sell your product, like Ogilvy recommends, its not creative, its not unique, and there is no urgency or curiosity.

Even using Michael Masterson's formula for writing headlines would make your WSO headline look real weak. According to him, a successful, and winning headline should include the following:

Urgent
Unique
Ultra Specific
Useful

Im sure you have much experience in writing copy, but to be honest your WSO headline does not impress me one bit and rates weak in many of the 4 categories that could potentially help your headline sell better.

[Alex Sol]

Zapseo, this is why I don't want to pay a copywriter, I learn so much just from you and well, the argument between You and MaskedMarketer

... anyhow, I think I read it in Dan Kennedy's book;

The headline should capture your reader to the point where he (she) wants to read the sub-headline. Sub-headline's purpose is to make the reader curious to read the first sentence of the actual copy, and well, the first sentence should be compelling enough to make the reader read the second sentence and so on...

Headline could be completely unrelated to the offer - but as long as it makes your reader keep on reading further - it's all that matters. Easier said than done, but I get the point

Alex

[MaskedMarketer]

Originally Posted by kiev

Zapseo, this is why I don't want to pay a copywriter, I learn so much just from you and well, the argument between You and MaskedMarketer

... anyhow, I think I read it in Dan Kennedy's book;

The headline should capture your reader to the point where he (she) wants to read the sub-headline. Sub-headline's purpose is to make the reader curious to read the first sentence of the actual copy, and well, the first sentence should be compelling enough to make the reader read the second sentence and so on...

Headline could be completely unrelated to the offer - but as long as it makes your reader keep on reading further - it's all that matters. Easier said than done, but I get the point

Alex

Thats right Alex, all the headline needs to do is make the reader want to keep reading and there are certain ingredients and formulas ( like the 4 U's I mentioned above) that will greater your chances of having the prospect read on. Please keep in mind that this formula was created by someone who does this for a living- consulting 300m/yr publishing companies, so I would take his advice.

The reason I mention putting your offer in your headline (sales letter and/or advertising in general) is because this method has been tested and proven to be effective. This way of selling isn't the ONLY way to create a headline for any type of copy, but just one of many techniques you may use.

If you want to learn to sell your product in 3 seconds or less, I would recommend "The Irresistible Offer" by Mark Joyner. You'll learn how businesses implemented these strategies to become a huge successful brand.

Of course, all this means nothing if your product doesn't deliver, so make sure your product over delivers...

[MaskedMarketer]

Originally Posted by kiev

Hmmm... you are putting me in a puzzle here.
So, if I make a Video of me logging into my CB account - will not be a good enough proof...

Than what would?

Any tips on establishing the "credibility" or/and "proof" in the copy?

Thanks,

Alex

How about a student of yours (video testimonial) logging into their Click Bank account to see there profits, with the techniques you provide?

[zapseo]

MaskedMarketer --

You're intermixing in some good information with pure hogwash.

I'm not even going to try and sort it out.

Masterson (not his real name) is an excellent copywriter.

Guess what? One of my copywriting coaches actually has a testimonial from Masterson which thanks him for helping him with...well, basically, copy. To sell his book. Good book, btw (Automatic Wealth.)

Meaning? Meaning that Masterson has useful stuff, but it's hardly the end-all be-all.

Next.

[colmodwyer]

I'm not sure what the argument about putting the offer in the headline is; if you've got a great proposition you'd be stupid not to...

"$10,000 In 60 Days Or Your Money Back - GUARANTEED!"

...Am I missing the point? Confidence is a good seller.

Alex, I agree that you've got a good story, and the bastard boss is always a good common enemy to "throw rocks at".

Also I think the fact that you make a "modest but comfortable" income as opposed to that of a Guru Millionaire's is a good credibility builder - however I think you could do with way more actual, real life proof. As you mentioned, a video logging into your account wouldn't be the worst thing to have on your page.

With soooo much competition though you need to be sure and separate yourself from the herd too - I can't see and obvious USP on your page.

Colm

[zapseo]

didn't say NEVER Colm.

MM said:

You should be effectively selling your offer in the headline

And I'm simply indicating what MOST of the copywriters I've studied AND studied with have said (echoed in Alex's quote from Dan Kennedy's book.):

The purpose of the headline is to grab the user's attention and get them to continue reading.

Certainly a "great offer", like you suggest, Colm, would do that.

[colmodwyer]

Yeah, you said...

"Sell the Offer in the Headline ???

What have you been drinking ? Or smoking?"

...There really isn't any other way to take that, unless you were talking specifically about Alex's page, and think there's no chance of his product having an appealing offer. But if that's the case then surely he's doomed from the get go?

You never said "never", nor did Masked Marketer say you ALWAYS have to sell the offer in your headline; and yet you went at him/her like you'd prefer a kick in the teeth than to write and offer orientated headline.

I guess we should all take a few steps back and define what we mean by "offer" first; I'm interpreting it as - "Buy this and this will happen to you..." - which is essentially the basis for quite a few headlines. No?

Colm

[EDIT] Seen as the topic of your WSO has been bought up; you're basically saying in your headline - Take advantage of my critique and I'll turn your copy into a money magnet (or whatever) - is that not an offer?

[zapseo]

Well, there's plenty of misunderstanding to go around here, it would seem.

So why not just let's call a reset to the whole thing and get back to providing Alex with help on his salesletter.

[Alex Sol]

Thank You all! I just created a short video

Amy ideas of HOW and WHERE should it be added in the sales letter?

[MaskedMarketer]

Originally Posted by zapseo

MaskedMarketer --

You're intermixing in some good information with pure hogwash.

I'm not even going to try and sort it out.

Masterson (not his real name) is an excellent copywriter.

Guess what? One of my copywriting coaches actually has a testimonial from Masterson which thanks him for helping him with...well, basically, copy. To sell his book. Good book, btw (Automatic Wealth.)

Meaning? Meaning that Masterson has useful stuff, but it's hardly the end-all be-all.

Next.

Its only "hogwash" because you don't agree with what's stated. Which is why you won't elaborate. That's fine.

Seriously, how do you have any authority, when you can't even write a decent headline for your own WSO!! It provides NO benefit to me, its not time sensitive, its not unique or creative..

Do you think because you might use some NLP, presuppositions, and some "power words" that's all you need?

And there is no end-be-all in copy writing. You may learn from many writers to formulate your own unique style. The fact your coach has helped him doesn't reflect any big accomplishments you've had.

I'm not impressed.

[MaskedMarketer]

Originally Posted by zapseo

didn't say NEVER Colm.

MM said:

You should be effectively selling your offer in the headline

And I'm simply indicating what MOST of the copywriters I've studied AND studied with have said (echoed in Alex's quote from Dan Kennedy's book.):

The purpose of the headline is to grab the user's attention and get them to continue reading.

Certainly a "great offer", like you suggest, Colm, would do that.

Yes that's what I said. Its only one strategy I did mention.

And that's right Zapseo, the purpose of the headline is to grab the prospects attention and get them to continue reading. What you fail to realize is that is a very broad statement.

Their are actually more advanced strategies you may use to increase the power and effectiveness of your headline. By reading your WSO headline, its clear you are not familar with these strategies.

Zapseo, lets be honest. When I said to put the offer in the headline you jumped down my throat and implied the use of drugs. You don't know me and you don't know how to put together a winning headline (refer to WSO).

Then you said this:

"The purpose of the headline is to grab the user's attention and get them to continue reading."

"Certainly a "great offer", like you suggest, Colm, would do that."

Are you contradicting yourself now?

Do you have any idea what your talking about?

And I was the original one that suggested to put an "offer" in the headline, just like Colm suggested and gave you and example of.

You do realize now you are admitting fault that putting an offer in the headline can be a good idea... lol

[MaskedMarketer]

Originally Posted by kiev

Thank You all! I just created a short video

Amy ideas of HOW and WHERE should it be added in the sales letter?

Maybe somewhere in the subtitle you can add-

"See Video Proof Below" or something similar to that effect..

People like videos, they like facts, and they want to see proof, so give it to them.

Maybe try to put the video underneath the subtitle so people can see it quicker and watch it immediately (which should build trust with your prospects)?

[Alex Sol]

Ok, Added the video to the sales page.

What do you think?

[zapseo]

Alex,

The story is engaging...the video is a bit too long. You lost me when you started talking about affiliate marketing.

I'd also change the headline to somehow echo your story.

[Alex Sol]

Originally Posted by zapseo

Alex,

The story is engaging...the video is a bit too long. You lost me when you started talking about affiliate marketing.

I'd also change the headline to somehow echo your story.

I know it's long... but if I make it shorter - then the whole point of the video will be gone...
Since it shows the evolution from JOB > Quitting > 300$ a month > 300$ a day....

[zapseo]

while "affiliate marketing" may be how you got there, people are less interested (initially) about HOW you got there, and more interested in "what happened".

By leaving out (how) also helps to engage their curiosity.

[Alex Sol]

Originally Posted by zapseo

while "affiliate marketing" may be how you got there, people are less interested (initially) about HOW you got there, and more interested in "what happened".

By leaving out (how) also helps to engage their curiosity.

Yeah, it makes sense.

"We don't want it fast - we want it now". I guess it will be better to exlpain how I quit my job, and then got to all that money

[Alex Sol]

Ok! A new video for the sales page

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