Constructive Criticism Please :)

[SamstaUK]

I was just wondering if some people here could give some constructive criticism on my squeeze page here:

How to get rid of spots | Free Elimination Guide

I would prefer criticism more on the actual text rather than the design, since I will worry about that later, right now I really want to create a persuasive squeeze page.

Thank You

[Chris Ramsey]

You've got a good start, but here's some changes you might like to use.

How I Got Rid of My Disgusting Acne In Just 7 Days Without The Use of Expensive Creams, Mail-Order Oils, or Going To The Pesky Dermatologist!

Inside you'll get...

• The real science behind acne that your doctor will never tell you!
• A proven system to get rid of your acne in less than 66 seconds a day!
• An alternative system that completely detox's your body for a lasting acne-free life!
• The secrets of how diet really does affect your skin condition!
• And so much more...

Just fill out the fields below and hit "Submit!" to get access to our special V.I.P. newsletter. After you confirm your email, you'll be on your way to healthier skin in just minutes!

[Sabine]

Hi SamstaUK, I am quite new here and no expert warrior at all, but I am somebody who used to suffer from acne quite badly and my advice would be to copy every single word Scheda has suggested to change on your squeeze page.

He clearly is a very good copywriter and if it was me seeing your site, I would now be interested enough to leave my details and click through, which I didn't feel I wanted to do when I read your page. (I hope I am not too harsh on you, I am only trying to be constructive, so please do not take this personal, because it isn't mend that way.)

One more thing I'd like to suggest is that you don't mention the 'fruit' you should eat. It could be a real turn off for some people to leave their details, just because they don't really like fruit, however, if your report is as good as it sounds I am sure you'll 'convert' even non-fruit eaters to change their diet once they read it. I really hope this helps. Good luck with the launch of your product.

[Adaptive]

The page title, "How to get rid of spots | free elimination guide," doesn't let me know that the page is about Acne. If I bookmarked the page and later sorted through my bookmarks, there would be nothing to indicate the topic. A better title might be something like "Free guide to acne removal."

The headline talks about attitudes, not acne.
Who is the market? People fed up with their acne.
What do they want? To get rid of the acne.
What are the afraid of? That it will be expensive and difficult, and the acne will return anyway.

What kind of headline would appeal to these people more than some generality about confidence, unrelated to acne?

How about something like this: "How to get free information you need to easily end acne and prevent it from ever bothering you again!"

"You will find out" is a terrible first line. The reason they are reading is to find something out. Don't tease them, instead empathize with them.

Here's a suggested starting point for a rewrite:

-----

Dear fellow acne sufferer,

Now get right to the point,

I hate acne, and I finally found how to be free of it. It turns out that the solution involves nutrition, in particular, certain fruits that change body chemistry resulting in healthy skin rather than ugly, embarrassing pits and welts. The science is a bit involved but it's important to understand so you can choose how to clean up your acne with time you're spending in the kitchen anyway... no more endless regimens of abrasives or sludge by the bathroom mirror. Eating the right fruits cured my five year long case of acne in just 17 days. Because everyone's body has a different starting point, I can't guarantee that you'll be acne free just as fast, but I can promise that within a month you're virtually certain to notice a dramatic improvement.

Because this information is too crucial to hoard, I want to give you the whole scoop for free in an easy to read, 25 page guide, "Beat acne in the kitchen with the right fruit choices."

Here's how to sign up...

-----

Notice I didn't introduce the added benefit of a whole body detox.

Since you're doing the squeeze page approach, why limit it to one screenful? Why not go with a full sales letter further discussing the problem, the need for a solution, the problems with other solutions, your solution, science, testimonials, etc.?

Regards,
Allen

[SamstaUK]

FYI, I had a different title, but forgot to change it back once I updated the code.

Also, I was just offering the information on which fruit to eat as an incentive to sign up. I am actually selling the product "Acne No More".

Acne No More? - Cure Acne Holistically

[Kevin Lam]

Hi Sam,

Let me give you a little more insight if you plan on using AdWords to bring traffic to your squeeze page. Have a linkable privacy and contact link. I also highly recommend having relevant images with the proper alt tags.

As for the content itself, this is what I'd have (changes are bolded):

Discover How You Can Go From A Life Overwhelmed With Low Self Esteem Due To Acne To A More Confident and Acne Free Reality

You will find out...

* How to combat acne by changing what happens internally and externally
* What causes acne to take over your life
* A simple system to remove acne, even if you have a busy schedule
* A more advanced system which will detox your body as well as remove acne
* How to balance your diet to prevent acne from happening again in the future

Simply Fill out the form below with your first name and valid email address - then click the "Send me the info!" button, and you will receive a free report on which fruits you should eat to reduce acne.

[David Maschke]

Do you want to feel more confident, and increase your self esteem?

What if the answer in the readers head is no? My first thought was you were selling self-help info.

You're a Warrior now, my friend. Go for the jugular on the first blow with your headline.

"Beautiful skin without pimples"

There's no need to beat around the bush, nor is there any need to be clever or long winded.

From the looks of it you were going for simplicity anyway.

Dave

[SamstaUK]

I took all of the suggestions, mixed them together, and came up with this:

Free nutrition guide to get rid of acne

What further things can I do now to make it more persuasive?

Thank You

[wrcato]

Your headline needs pimping. Try some power words before the benefit.
I think the most constructive critisism I could give is... you are giving to much away in your bullet points. I would take the bullets and weave them into a story instead.

How did you get your table in the center? I use frontpage 2003 and my tables are always at the left side of the page.

[elsvirtual]

You're still selling the steak and not the sizzle.

People with acne aren't concerned about the science behind it. They are desperate to stop feeling embarrased in public. They want to stop hiding and start living. I mean...how many guys plagued with acne live in the background as they watch their buddies getting the girls?

Detoxing, science, internal and external causes aren't going to compel your audience to click.

When you do a landing page like this...you've got to hit them hard with the bullets. So I think you should go back to the drawing board and really get into the head of the average acne-sufferer.

[Kevin Lam]

El is dead on, but I do think the headline needs to be improved. There's just way too many bullets for such a small area of space. Pictures can convey a thousand words. Why not use them?

[SamstaUK]

Okay I've updated my site again. Hopefully I will crack this eventually...

Free nutrition guide to get rid of acne

[elsvirtual]

I hate to say it but you came back in about an hour with the new page. You should be putting more time into this. Effective copy takes a lot of time and research.

First, you need to do a little research about how to write compelling bullets. Here's a neat article I ran across that'll give you a good start:
On Copywriting: Bullets That Penetrate

And look at this sales letter www.survivejail.com. I don't think I'd ever be sent to jail but those bullets make me want to buy the gosh darn book anyway.

Then you need to learn how to write a good headline. It's gotta grab your visitors and make them keep reading instead of clicking away. Your current headline is ho-hum. There are multiple resources for you to read.

Then, make sure you really "get" your target market. I can't tell if you have no clue or if you do but you just are having a hard time converting the knowledge into compelling copy.

Anyway, those are a few of my thoughts.

Good luck

Evy

[SamstaUK]

I've spent ages puzzling over what to include on my squeeze page, when everything I could possibly need is all here:
acnenomore.com

I was just wondering which parts I should use on my squeeze page, and which parts I can leave out?

I like the look of the bullets under the title

What do you think?