Can some warriors kindly review my sales page

[DougHughes]

Hi guys, I am new to the warrior forum (which is great by the way). I work in internet direct marketing and have been writing a lot more traditional long copy sales letters lately.

This particular letter has not gone live yet because we are waiting for the new site to launch.

I would be very appreciative if some of you warriors could scan my page and give me your thoughts.

doughughesdesign.com/pinnacle/lifetime_membership/index3.html

P.S. the testimonials are really bad but that was what I had to work with.

[David Maschke]

Hey Doug,

Your writing skills are excellent. I'd be a fool to think I can add anything of value that you could use.

[Kevin Lam]

I have to agree, Doug. That's very good copy. Very good use of graphics. Videos are placed in good places. Nicely done.

However, if I were to make any changes though, I would scatter the testimonials throughout the copy rather than having them lined up on the right column ONLY. If you have more testimonials to use, I suggest you start scattering them. If not, break up the huge line of testimonials (take 4 or so) and spread them out on the main content area.

Also, in the first testimonial, go ahead and capitalize "laguna". Lastly, "Easliy" in "Build a Dazzling Résumé Quickly and Easliy with Our Résumé Builder " is misspelled. In FF, just hold [Ctrl]+F and type that in to find it. There's your misspelling. Have fun and good luck.

[jonb]

Hi Doug,

Couple things:

Be sure to italicize tv show names and movie titles. It's not just grammatically correct, it also breaks up long copy. Also, add a space in NoExperience in the subhead.

As for the letter -- it's very good. But I'm not taken with the Jim Carrey story. That's because:

a> he's not one of YOUR success stories. You're better off highlighting someone who's gone on to stardom with your help rather than one who didn't.

b> it's long and stops the flow. If you take it out and go right to "Dare to dream…"
you really don't lose anything. the point - even big stars have humble beginnings -- is still made by your next examples.

Also, tell how you helped Joey Lawrence. Since you bring it up, you need to finish it off it with a testimonial or anecdote about him.

Nice job!

[DougHughes]

Thank you David, that looks like a pretty interesting video game on your sales page. I'm not a gamer but I think it is a good idea.

[DougHughes]

Thank you Kevin and JonB for catching those typos. We have some other pages with testimonials scattered throughout.

Jon, interesting point about the Jim Carey story. We will test that. I get what you are saying about Joey. We have another page with Joey doing a video presentation for us. One has Xzibit and the other Joey.

Thanks again you guys.

[mrdomains]

Good copy

I feel the header needs more exposure, bigger, perhaps less words

Since xzibit is looking serious.. maybe just superbold "WHO´s LAUGHING NOW?" then the rest.. i don´t know

I also feel the yellow box with what you get has headlines that are way too long and keep me from having the energy to read on the small text.

I might also try to shorten the list somewhat since the weaker "products" dilute the power of the good ones.


headlines that could be shortened like
"Find Jobs in Minutes with Our Massive Casting Call and Audition Database" could be "Casting Insider list."

"Get Noticed Fast With Our Advanced Online Portfolio & Personal Profile" .. "Pro Portfolio and Profile kit"

"Wow Casting Directors by Uploading Your Video Clips and Demo Reels" .. "Share your videos with casting Directors"

the weaker chunks could just be headlines with no text, bullet list to finalize the yellow box, or something..

"Discover Tips and Techniques to Boost Your Success with Our Pro Guides" "Brush Up On Your Biz Smarts with Industry News and Headlines" "No Annoying Ads!" "Personal Calendar"
might perhaps be
* Pro Guides!
* Industry News!
* No ads!
* Personal Calendar!

[skyjoe76]

It was very well written. You paint the picture in people's head very well.

Only thing is you could have shift the testimonials to your main content page instead of putting them at the side bar. When I scrolled down reading the content, I actually miss all the testimonials.

[Hunter06]

Hi Doug,

I assume you want the honest truth here so I'll go ahead and say that your sales letter is not great.

For a first draft your page is OK. You need to tighten up the whole thing.

Be honest with yourself, how long did you work on that headline?

You've covered all the info you want to share, but did you take the time to find out what your potential clients want to know?

Your paragraphs are loooong and boring. Virtually every one can be sharpened up or deleted. You need to keep your audience's attention with short, snappy sentences.

Where are the sub-heads that tell your story to the people who will skim over your page.

Your testimonials aren't placed well for maximum effect; not in the right order or physically on the page.

The overall impression in not professional in my opinion.

In the final analysis though, you will need to test out your page to see what works. You might get far better results with minimal text and a well scripted video.

Get current and potential clients to look at the page and tell you what they like, don't like and what they think you should include.

My least favourite line is "Here’s everything you’ll get for just pennies per day…".

That just cheapens what appears to be an excellent service that you provide. You want to have them begging to join up. You give the impression that you are being cheap and cheerful and desperate.

Good luck with the re-writes. Feel free to pm me if you need some more specific help.

[Kevin Lam]

Found another typo. I don't know why I wasn't sure of it yesterday, but I was mainly trying to get through your page.

Look at your header image, "NoExperience" needs a space between them.

Also, I agree with Hunter06 on the "pennies per day." That should be used on other products, not this.

[DougHughes]

Ooh...yikes...the truth hurts, fortunately I am a big boy and can take it. Thank you Hunter for your critique. I agree with you on many points, there is always room for improvement.

But to answer the question "You've covered all the info you want to share, but did you take the time to find out what your potential clients want to know?" We've done quite a bit of research finding out who and what our target market wants.

I like your comment about "You might get far better results with minimal text and a well scripted video." That is a good point we'll test.

Considering that this is my profession and that it pays the bills pretty well, I would have to consider the comment, "The overall impression in not professional in my opinion." unnecessary. I'm not sure that comment added anything to what was an otherwise solid critique.

Thank you all for your input, I respect your opinions.

[Kevin Lam]

Doug,

Don't take it to heart. Not everyone is good at giving constructive criticism even if they meant well. Take the good and leave the bad.

[Hunter06]

Sorry if I offended you Doug, that was not my intention at all. Plenty of late nights and long days resulted in me not following my own advice by being clear and succinct.

My "negative" comment was aimed at the layout and not your business model. If you view your page in various browsers you will find that the text size, spacing, colour combinations and choice of graphics don't hang together well.

You could also consider giving your visitors more "white space". The current paragraph structure is very busy. The glitz and glamour of your industry don't shine through with the current design either.

If it was my site I would consider contacting a top notch designer to pull the layout together.

Hope that helps.

[gb4biz]

Dear Doug, Just took a quick look at the site. I have to agree with Hunter to this extent, all areas surrounding the videos and the 1-5 map look extremely Professional. However the text areas don't "POP" out at you. Like Hunter said more white space with shorter paragraphs might do the trick

It's like seeing a Danali without the Rims!

[David Maschke]

Thank you David, that looks like a pretty interesting video game on your sales page. I'm not a gamer but I think it is a good idea.

Thanks. That's an objection that I'll have to overcome, I've heard it too many times when people looked at it, and my letter doesn't answer that statement the way I thought it did.

Now I have to re-write my sales letter.

Thanks again

Dave

[wrcato]

I think the site looks great. The headline is also great, but wouldn't you want your own headline that you din't swipe from a file? or headline creator. that headline has been used and abused by so many marketers. My suggestion is to write a good headline that comes from your head. Then change the copy a bit from suggestions here in the forum. When you are done split test it with your original copy.

[wrcato]

Oh ya, I forgot to mention don't forget to come back and share your results with us.

[DougHughes]

Thanks much guys, we are having IT problems lately and are still waiting for the new site to launch. I will definitely implement some of these changes and repost once we have some metrics.