magicians' software: Please critique my sales letter

[qui-gon]

I'm about to launch a software for magicians, and would really appreciate if you could take the time to read my sales letter and offer suggestions.

Although I have studied this and read many books about copywriting, this is really my first sales letter.

The URL is
magicshowbuilder.com/website

Thank you

Salvador

[Ken Strong]

Salvador,

Interesting product, I don't think I've ever seen anything in the performing-magic niche before.

I think the biggest problem that jumps out at me is the copy doesn't flow very well -- I get the impression that English isn't your first language. I mean, your spelling and grammar is good and I have no problem understanding what you're trying to say, but it doesn't sound conversational enough -- it's bumpy reading.

The headline is too long, hard to read, and doesn't grab me -- I don't quite get what big edge your product will give me, or what big problem it's going to solve for me, or how it's going to make me more money as a performing magician.

I like the layout and graphics in general, and the testimonials. The 30-day free trial is great risk reversal, along with the 90-day guarantee. I just think it needs a native-English speaking pro writer to go over it.

Hope this helps a bit...

Ken

[qui-gon]

Yep, I'm not a native English speaker.

[wrcato]

it looks like you used Harry Tarbells course in magic. The copy isn't very good. The headline is hard to read and by that I mean it doesn't motivate me to keep reading it.
Scanability is not there.

Although you have a great product that will sell like crazy! I mean that. The magic niche is great and not that many marketers in it. YOU ROCK!

I think even a mediocre sales copy will convert well. Spend the money to hire a pro copywriter. Do it fast.

[Daniel Scott]

As others have said, there are numerous problems with your writing which are primarily caused (probably) by the lack of understanding of the English language, which is common when it's a second language.

Copywriters study for years to be fluent in their OWN language, let alone a second one.

I'd save the writing for your own language market, whatever that may be. Hire a copywriter to do this one for you.

In regards to the actual copy, though, you are missing the benefits. I don't give a crap about organising tricks or whatever. I care about pleasing the audience, having them think I'm a genius, getting more work, more money, whatever.

Hit those base desires more.

The product's obviously good, but some of the testimonials have more punch than your copy, which is worrying.

-Dan

[qui-gon]

You are all absolutely right.

I will get a copywriter once I get some dough, because developing this program left me without a cent.

Meanwhile, what do you think of this headline?:

"Become a freaking audience-pleasing Top Magic Entertainer by having the right Show for each Venue smoothly flowing from one act to the next and building momentum up to the final standing ovation"

[BrianMcLeod]

Originally Posted by qui-gon

You are all absolutely right.

I will get a copywriter once I get some dough, because developing this program left me without a cent.

Meanwhile, what do you think of this headline?:

"Become a freaking audience-pleasing Top Magic Entertainer by having the right Show for each Venue smoothly flowing from one act to the next and building momentum up to the final standing ovation"

Salvador,

Esta mierda, amigo.

Here's a way to look at this... and this is WAY oversimplified...

Your headline's primary selling benefit is basically "Become an audience pleasing entertainer that has a great, fluid show"

Ok, why?

So that the audience will like you more... Why?

So you can can charge more money and get more rear ends in seats. Why?

So you can get better gigs more frequently. Why?

So you can make more money and become more well known... Why?

So you can live your dream of doing what you really love....

NOW we're in the realm of where the juju really is.

Yes, your product is about magic - but it's also about a lot more than magic.

Good luck and Happy Easter,

Brian

[Adaptive]

Hi Salvador,

My first impression is an intimidating wall of words.

Second, I wonder, who is this for?

Both problems could be solved with a graphic headline that has magic show pictures. Below the headline, have a greeting: "Dear Magician..." Oh, I see you have that but it's "below the fold." There are so many excess words that your greeting is down off the first screen.

The headline should be much shorter. Who is the audience? Professional magicians. What is the benefit? An endless stream of killer, unique shows. What kind of headline captures that?

"Now you can pull an endless stream of killer, unique shows out of your hat... commanding higher prestige and more money!"

You should then talk about a bit about the need for killer shows with a great flow... the need to give audiences fresh new shows when you return to a venue... the difficulty of keeping all of this organized... how off the shelf software is too much of a nuisance.

I think you'd have lost the non-magician readers before you get to the "also suitable" list. Maybe other buyers should get their own sales letter.

Once you get into the bullets, from there down it seems OK.

But you really do need an editor to polish it up, maybe even a copywriter to make a stronger pitch. Maybe in the joint venture forum, someone might be willing to partner with you.

Regards,
Allen

[qui-gon]

Well, I went ahead and hired a copywriter.
the site is live at magicshowbuilder.com


However, I must been doing something very wrong, because these are some of the posts I have been receiving in forums about my niche. I would be very grateful for your comments on this:

--------------
If you're looking to sell this software big time, please please PLEASE change your website. I must remind you that 99 % of phishing and scam websites use the same template as you have used.

I went to your website and closed it within 2 seconds, and I'm sure any person with an intermediate knowledge of phishing and scam websites would do the same. Also you'll lose credibility on Google and other search engines further plummeting your sales. Also, using 'keywords' such as 'magic tricks database, magic tricks, variety acts' as the title of your page is not good, and looks extremely fishy.

My personal recommendation ( as if it matters ) would be Wordpress. You can get it from wordpress.org . It's free and the most powerful tool you would ever have used.

-----------------------------

It sounds like a really nice idea, I might try out the free version when I get home. But one thing that I would like to say is that it might be worth having a rethink of your website, it doesn't really look very professional and isn't a site that I'd be likely to buy from if I stumbled across it.
--------------------------------------------

I mean this in the nicest possible way, but the website strikes me as being all about "sell, sell sell!" It's about a subtle as a snooker ball in a sock, and reminds me of horrible eBay pages made by PowerSellers selling courses in hypnosis. May I suggest a more subtle approach in the selling?
--------------------------------
For the author of the software - drop all the snazzy marketing. I think that this could be the software's downfall. Magicians and users of TM (those that want to create a database of their magic) aren't interested in David Blaine magic books and other internet spam type bonus downloads. Don't get me wrong, they may be legitimate and good products - but it just doesn't help to sell your software - which is genuinely a good idea and product. In fact, I’d say that it does the opposite and puts people off. Likewise with the – one time offer price – it seems to be pushing you into a purchase which looks like all of those internet cons. Make the website a bit more professional looking and I think you'll be onto a winner.

---------------------------------

It smells like a fraud.
It looks like a monumental effort.
It sounds like a dodgy service.
It feels like there's something not quite right.
It reads like a get-rich-quick scheme
It contains copywrited material

And this ...
Quote:

A: Your email is needed to create an account to the site, so you can download the software and receive important announcements.


... is wrong on so many levels

[julesbrad]

Contact Chris at Lybrary.com - your ebook store specializing in magic ebooks, gambling ebooks and games ebooks as he has a newsletter to people who are probably your target market

[qui-gon]

One of the testimonials is from Chris

[Loren Woirhaye]

Don't worry about the naysayers, they probably aren't marketers
and they may not know what they are talking about.

Your website DOES need to SELL - that's how direct-response
works. If a guy doesn't like it either he's not your prospect or
he is and he's just objecting because you've made him feel
uncomfortable (which can be a good sign in sales).

You may not be hitting the mark with the specific appeal in
your copy however, so do listen to comments but take them
with a grain of salt.

It think your font is too small and your background is distracting -
I would go with 12 pt and use a black background.

I'm not excited by your headlines, but I'm not your target
market.

My thought is the major appeal is it saves you time and it
helps you make more money - so I would look at letters for
time management software, journals, things like that.

I'm not wild about your copy here but I think it's ok. It's the
headline that troubles me.

-----


Here's an idea for selling software:

imagine you only have the 6 sides of the box to sell it - tell
what it does and how that helps the person who owns it.
You wouldn't put the whole story of how it came to be on the
box, in fact you would hammer-home the benefits from several
different viewpoints...

Dan Kennedy names 6 in one of his books:
1. straightforward statement
2. as an example
3. as a quick story
4. in testimonials
5. in a quote from an expert
6. in a numbered summary

See? all these are different ways you could say the same thing -
because what your software does for the user, the main
appeal, should be very concentrated - It saves time and eliminates
frustration stemming from disorganized growth.

[whereizzi]

Kudo's to you Salvador, for taking the necessary step between "I wrote this myself" to "I brought in a professional copywriter". A brilliant move that lets you focus on what you do best.

Which seems to be the main benefit of your software. And while I'm not in your market audience, I've been a musical performer in years past. So...

Two things struck me about your new salespage right off:

1. "Software" as the first word in a headline about magicians seems out of place, for a performer who's standing up under the lights doing the tricks. No computer to be found there...

2. "controls all the creative" is something a performer rarely thinks they want to do. Even though we both know that unbridled creativity rarely happens on demand (and almost never on stage in a time-limited performance), the word 'control' suggests limiting things... something most performers don't like to believe of themselves. Maybe 'manages' is a better word here.

Especially when in fact, this software seems to open up a performer's talents. By releasing them from the tedious tasks of research and organization, so they can get on with practicing that smooth flow.

I'd suggest the trouble might be a focus on "the product" rather than "the prospect" here. Nobody wants 'software'... but a magician wants to play with perfecting the illusion, rather than getting caught up in the details of a performance inventory.

Finally, just a few unfinished headline ideas for you, to focus on the benefit rather than the product details...

"Polish your show to TV-ready brilliance..."

"Here's how master magicians can make their shows look so easy (when you KNOW how much work it used to take!)"

They both need work, maybe some refinement to match your audience's reaction better. Hopefully they inspire a direction that works for you. Though come to think of it, magicians are in the business of creating "wow, unbelievable!" effects too, aren't they?
)

Best,
Anthony

[NikNikAndCauliflower]

Mate, I love your product!

If you don't mind, I'd like to ask a few questions (I'm a copywriting n00b)

Why do you capitalise so many words?

Is this type of writing designed for people who skim through it? It was a lot to read, but I felt like I could get the main ideas by scrolling down pretty fast. I guess that's how a lot of people look at sites.

And, if you don't mind - what's the price? I've got a mate who'd love this

Cheers
-Nick

[qui-gon]

I don't know why copywriters tend to capitalize every lettter in their headlines

Any input from you gurus?

It costs $27

[qui-gon]

Thank you Loren and whereizzi

I must say that the bland headline is my own. The copywriter originally suggested
“Who Else Wants to Discover How to Put on Amazing, Crowd-Pleasing Shows That Smoothly Flow from One Act to Another … Building Momentum Up to
a Final Glorious Standing Ovation?”

which I tested against

“Discover How to Put on Amazing, Crowd-Pleasing Shows That Smoothly Flow from One Act to Another … Building Momentum Up to a Final Glorious Standing Ovation”

and the second option pulled more.

However, after receiving all these hate posts I decided to remove it, and also to water down all stretched claims.

[NikNikAndCauliflower]

Fair price. I may have to hit you up for a copy.

lol - another thing that everyone does that I've noticed, is all prices end in '7' - $97, $47 etc. I think it's smart, because when I see something ending in 9, I just round up to the next 0 i.e. $49 is instantly $50 in my head.

Just more n00b observations, lol

Cheers
-Nick-

[Alessandro Zamboni]

I make some cards and money tricks when I have spare time, I never made a show.
But your software appear to be professional and for professionals.

The first thing I wish change is the background. You can use a black or dark one.

The fonts appear to be correct, but I will add some highlighted text to concentrate visitor attention on specific phrases.

You can also improve the Testimonial Boxes, that appear more like a feature lists.
And a last little advice is to change the money back on a 60 Days instead of 90s.

Goodbye by

[Loren Woirhaye]

Originally Posted by qui-gon

Thank you Loren and whereizzi

I must say that the bland headline is my own. The copywriter originally suggested
“Who Else Wants to Discover How to Put on Amazing, Crowd-Pleasing Shows That Smoothly Flow from One Act to Another … Building Momentum Up to
a Final Glorious Standing Ovation?”

which I tested against

“Discover How to Put on Amazing, Crowd-Pleasing Shows That Smoothly Flow from One Act to Another … Building Momentum Up to a Final Glorious Standing Ovation”

and the second option pulled more.

However, after receiving all these hate posts I decided to remove it, and also to water down all stretched claims.

Your better-pulling headline is 4 words shorter than the other one.
Both are bloated, in my opinion, and length may not be the
only factor at play. The second is still loaded with extraneous
words and shifts into the infinitive tense in the second clause,
which feels weird and off-center to me here in this case.

I wrote about long "power word-packed" headlines on my blog recently -
malibumentor.com Copywriting - The Problem With Headlines These Days

My opinions, to be sure, because verbose run-on headlines
annoy me. I would try to isolate the strongest appeal and
state it as briefly as I can in the headline - perhaps in terms
which are (I don't have the exact word to describe how this
works).... metaphorical.