First sales page: must be perfect, or my baby grows up on the street.

Essence · 04-13-2009, 03:48 PM

Fire Your Doctor!

Read it, rake it over the coals, tell me what's good, what's bad, what's ugly.

My son needs your help!

Thank you!

Essence

Scott Murdaugh · 04-13-2009, 06:53 PM

Essence,

If you're serious about this copy succeeding or your son living on the streets, go mow some lawns, dig some ditches, flip some burgers, do SOMETHING to make ends meet and work on this in your spare time.

This type of product in general is NOT easy to sell. People are weary online, and any product that promises to cure all of the disease you list is bound to raise some red flags.

You're telling me that you have a product curing a condition that doctors aren't even aware of... My BS detectors are already up before I get half way through the copy.

On top of this being a hard product to sell in its own right, the copy has almost zero emotional appeal. I feel nothing when I read it beyond an overwhelming urge to click away.

For a product like this, you need to really dig deep into peoples psyche and elicit some emotions.

I can't give you a complete drill down, but I wouldn't be shocked if this doesn't convert well, and I certainly wouldn't bet your son's well being on it.

Hit the books or save some money to hire a copywriter.

Statements like "Get ready to rid yourself of health hazards like asthma, and free yourself from the worry of disasters like heart disease and cancer" make the entire thing smell like snake oil.

I'm sure some of the ideas can help prevent cancer, but telling people that they don't ever have to worry about cancer again after reading the book is just not true... And customers aren't stupid.

Good luck.

-Scott

Justin Mandel · 04-13-2009, 06:58 PM

I did take a look at your sales letter, but sorry it looks like your kid is going to starve...

I've been studying homeostasis for quite some time and I LIKE the idea of using it to convince people that imbalance can cause a myriad of diseases, but to make the jump that providing balance by proper food intake and as a result people can "fire their doctor" isn't going to make it a well converting seller IMO.

The whole letter needs to be rewritten and you need to find a better argument for why someone can fire their doctor - which by the way might be treading on some real thin ice, so I would hope that there are well devised legal disclaimers in place.

Best of Luck!

Hesster · 04-13-2009, 07:18 PM

Well, there's also the fact that these types of health claims are regulated by the FDA. You can't claim your product cures diseases unless you have actual studies with proof to back those claims up, and there's no way that one product is going to cure all those conditions.

Your copy needs some serious rewording unless you want your ass to get sued.

wbnetwork · 04-13-2009, 07:21 PM

To be honest, i think you can make it much more attractive than the way it is right now. You need a little color and some better content.

MonsterZero · 04-13-2009, 08:00 PM

Yikes! My biggest problem is with the name of your product. Talk about buying trouble. People trust their doctors! Now, in addition to everything else you need to do, you have to convince them not to trust health care professionals with years of training.

Why set up that hurdle when you don't have to?

Kevin Lam · 04-14-2009, 10:42 PM

At first, I was thinking "ouch, guys. Being a bit harsh aren't cha?" But after looking at the sales page... it was like "ohhhh...".

There's just WAYYYY too much to cover, but I'll give you a few pointers to get you started:

1) You need to be more convincing. A website with mediocre graphics and sales letter of only 5 pages isn't enough to explain why people should fire their doctor.
2) That brings me to my next point - you need a more professional look to your website. Let the graphics and layout interest the visitor and the content to lure the visitor down the page.
3) Change your tone in mentioning the disclaimer at the bottom of the page. That law is not "inane" stating so makes you sound... without being disrespectful... like you don't know what you're talking about.

bellis160 · 04-15-2009, 03:52 AM

Essence,

I've followed you with this website through several threads.

I will do you a favor and be ruthlessly blunt.

You are getting the same basic advice from almost everyone. This sales letter sucks.

You are so far off the mark that you need to start over from scratch. Educate yourself about copywriting or hire a copywriter. Even a below average, fresh out of training, copywriter will be able to do a much better job than this. It shouldn't cost more than a couple of hundred bucks to hire an inexperienced freelancer.

You will get very low or no conversions with the copy as it is now.

I really do wish you the best of luck with this.

Steven Bellisle

vistad · 04-15-2009, 04:11 AM

Remove 'Fire your doctor'. A medical association will sue you for slander for what you have written about doctors.

If you can really cure diseases choose a few, find patients and give them the book free. Of those find those who would like to join an affiliate program and make them sell the book. (This is of course assuming they get cured, it they have died in the meantime then...)

Seldom does bad mouthing gain results.
There are too many things you are trying to say. Create a hierarchy of the written matter.

bellis160 · 04-15-2009, 04:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Essence

Fire Your Doctor!

Read it, rake it over the coals, tell me what's good, what's bad, what's ugly.

My son needs your help!

Thank you!

Essence

I just checked out your boy on flckr. He's a cutie. You must be proud.

BigBenForCanton · 04-15-2009, 09:01 AM

FIRE YOUR DOCTOR!!!!...Low voice...This advice should not be taken as gospel and you should seek medical attention by a doctor. This 'report' is not to be construed as medical advice and you should definitely not fire your doctor, but seek him out after reading this.

This is why IM has such a bad reputation.

Alexa Smith · 04-16-2009, 11:39 AM

Sorry, but I have to agree with everyone who's posted above. You won't get any conversions at all with this as it is now (nor should you, to be honest). What you need is a copywriter. Please excuse my bluntness!

MichelleB · 04-20-2009, 05:45 AM

Can I say something that I haven't heard anyone else say?

While you are a good-looking guy Essence, you look a bit overweight in that picture (could just be an unflattering angle) and to me that doesn't say "the picture of health." Think of most of the health gurus out there, they are fit and tan etc. Know what I mean? I might downplay your photo a bit, or maybe look for a better one. To me I'd be skeptical of this system curing all my health problems if it can't even help me lose any weight. I know that weight loss isn't the point of your product, but to me "100% healthy" = slim, as mistaken as that might be.

04-13-2009, 03:48 PM	#1
Essence Michael Danielson War Room Member Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Olympia, WA Posts: 194 Thanks: 99 Thanked 18 Times in 9 Posts Social Networking	First sales page: must be perfect, or my baby grows up on the street. Fire Your Doctor! Read it, rake it over the coals, tell me what's good, what's bad, what's ugly. My son needs your help! Thank you! Essence
	Stop letting health care kill you! High quality articles from a native English speaker: $5. Keyword research included: $2. Article Marketing traffic without the hours of typing: Priceless.

04-13-2009, 06:53 PM	#2
Scott Murdaugh ResultsCopywriting.com War Room Member Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Springfield, Mo USA. Posts: 565 Thanks: 92 Thanked 161 Times in 84 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: First sales page: must be perfect, or my baby grows up on the street. Essence, If you're serious about this copy succeeding or your son living on the streets, go mow some lawns, dig some ditches, flip some burgers, do SOMETHING to make ends meet and work on this in your spare time. This type of product in general is NOT easy to sell. People are weary online, and any product that promises to cure all of the disease you list is bound to raise some red flags. You're telling me that you have a product curing a condition that doctors aren't even aware of... My BS detectors are already up before I get half way through the copy. On top of this being a hard product to sell in its own right, the copy has almost zero emotional appeal. I feel nothing when I read it beyond an overwhelming urge to click away. For a product like this, you need to really dig deep into peoples psyche and elicit some emotions. I can't give you a complete drill down, but I wouldn't be shocked if this doesn't convert well, and I certainly wouldn't bet your son's well being on it. Hit the books or save some money to hire a copywriter. Statements like "Get ready to rid yourself of health hazards like asthma, and free yourself from the worry of disasters like heart disease and cancer" make the entire thing smell like snake oil. I'm sure some of the ideas can help prevent cancer, but telling people that they don't ever have to worry about cancer again after reading the book is just not true... And customers aren't stupid. Good luck. -Scott
	Sales Copy That Literally Pays For Itself! I've Been Shot... How Much To Fix It? (Are You Worrying About The Wrong Things In Your Marketing?)

04-13-2009, 06:58 PM	#3
Justin Mandel Trust Establisher War Room Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Long Island, NY. Posts: 2,697 Thanks: 248 Thanked 111 Times in 87 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: First sales page: must be perfect, or my baby grows up on the street. I did take a look at your sales letter, but sorry it looks like your kid is going to starve... I've been studying homeostasis for quite some time and I LIKE the idea of using it to convince people that imbalance can cause a myriad of diseases, but to make the jump that providing balance by proper food intake and as a result people can "fire their doctor" isn't going to make it a well converting seller IMO. The whole letter needs to be rewritten and you need to find a better argument for why someone can fire their doctor - which by the way might be treading on some real thin ice, so I would hope that there are well devised legal disclaimers in place. Best of Luck!
	The NEW Upgraded Online Version 1.2 is Coming... "I.M. Press Release Generator" Easily Affordable Do-It-Yourself High-End Video Marketing!

04-13-2009, 07:18 PM	#4
Hesster Active Warrior Join Date: Mar 2009 Posts: 54 Thanks: 7 Thanked 10 Times in 10 Posts	Re: First sales page: must be perfect, or my baby grows up on the street. Well, there's also the fact that these types of health claims are regulated by the FDA. You can't claim your product cures diseases unless you have actual studies with proof to back those claims up, and there's no way that one product is going to cure all those conditions. Your copy needs some serious rewording unless you want your ass to get sued.

04-13-2009, 07:21 PM	#5
wbnetwork Anthony Busciglio Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: NJ - USA Posts: 114 Thanks: 0 Thanked 4 Times in 4 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: First sales page: must be perfect, or my baby grows up on the street. To be honest, i think you can make it much more attractive than the way it is right now. You need a little color and some better content.
	Shocking Free Report Uncovers The Cold, Hard Facts About MLM. http://www.MLMDisaster.com

04-13-2009, 08:00 PM	#6
MonsterZero Active Warrior Join Date: Mar 2009 Posts: 35 Thanks: 2 Thanked 6 Times in 6 Posts	Re: First sales page: must be perfect, or my baby grows up on the street. Yikes! My biggest problem is with the name of your product. Talk about buying trouble. People trust their doctors! Now, in addition to everything else you need to do, you have to convince them not to trust health care professionals with years of training. Why set up that hurdle when you don't have to?

04-14-2009, 10:42 PM	#7
Kevin Lam Dare To Dream War Room Member Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Dallas, Texas, USA. Posts: 640 Blog Entries: 2 Thanks: 58 Thanked 128 Times in 82 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: First sales page: must be perfect, or my baby grows up on the street. At first, I was thinking "ouch, guys. Being a bit harsh aren't cha?" But after looking at the sales page... it was like "ohhhh...". There's just WAYYYY too much to cover, but I'll give you a few pointers to get you started: 1) You need to be more convincing. A website with mediocre graphics and sales letter of only 5 pages isn't enough to explain why people should fire their doctor. 2) That brings me to my next point - you need a more professional look to your website. Let the graphics and layout interest the visitor and the content to lure the visitor down the page. 3) Change your tone in mentioning the disclaimer at the bottom of the page. That law is not "inane" stating so makes you sound... without being disrespectful... like you don't know what you're talking about.
	Best Regards, Kevin Lam TexasSEO.com Copywriting Architect \| Big Texas SEO \| Mini-Commercial Videos

04-15-2009, 03:52 AM	#8
bellis160 Warrior Member War Room Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Green Bay, WI Posts: 27 Thanks: 18 Thanked 7 Times in 5 Posts	Re: First sales page: must be perfect, or my baby grows up on the street. Essence, I've followed you with this website through several threads. I will do you a favor and be ruthlessly blunt. You are getting the same basic advice from almost everyone. This sales letter sucks. You are so far off the mark that you need to start over from scratch. Educate yourself about copywriting or hire a copywriter. Even a below average, fresh out of training, copywriter will be able to do a much better job than this. It shouldn't cost more than a couple of hundred bucks to hire an inexperienced freelancer. You will get very low or no conversions with the copy as it is now. I really do wish you the best of luck with this. Steven Bellisle
	>>Harness the True Power of the Law Of Attraction...<<

04-15-2009, 04:11 AM	#9
vistad Active Warrior Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: India Posts: 59 Thanks: 10 Thanked 4 Times in 4 Posts	Re: First sales page: must be perfect, or my baby grows up on the street. Remove 'Fire your doctor'. A medical association will sue you for slander for what you have written about doctors. If you can really cure diseases choose a few, find patients and give them the book free. Of those find those who would like to join an affiliate program and make them sell the book. (This is of course assuming they get cured, it they have died in the meantime then...) Seldom does bad mouthing gain results. There are too many things you are trying to say. Create a hierarchy of the written matter.
	Advertising and Marketing Company Dubai

04-15-2009, 09:01 AM	#11
BigBenForCanton Active Warrior Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Chester, Va--Via Allentown,Pa Posts: 45 Thanks: 2 Thanked 4 Times in 3 Posts	Re: First sales page: must be perfect, or my baby grows up on the street. FIRE YOUR DOCTOR!!!!...Low voice...This advice should not be taken as gospel and you should seek medical attention by a doctor. This 'report' is not to be construed as medical advice and you should definitely not fire your doctor, but seek him out after reading this. This is why IM has such a bad reputation.
	Climbing up on Solsbury Hill, I could see the city light, Wind was blowing, time stood still, Eagle flew out of the night He was something to observe, Came in close, I heard a voice, Standing, stretching every nerve, I had to listen, Had no choice...

04-16-2009, 11:39 AM	#12
Alexa Smith Wordsmith War Room Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Posts: 1,847 Thanks: 663 Thanked 508 Times in 367 Posts	Re: First sales page: must be perfect, or my baby grows up on the street. Sorry, but I have to agree with everyone who's posted above. You won't get any conversions at all with this as it is now (nor should you, to be honest). What you need is a copywriter. Please excuse my bluntness!
	Alexa Smith ... ... writes many things that snap, crackle and pop, but not too many signature-files.

04-20-2009, 05:45 AM	#13
MichelleB Warrior Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Posts: 3 Thanks: 0 Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post	Re: First sales page: must be perfect, or my baby grows up on the street. Can I say something that I haven't heard anyone else say? While you are a good-looking guy Essence, you look a bit overweight in that picture (could just be an unflattering angle) and to me that doesn't say "the picture of health." Think of most of the health gurus out there, they are fit and tan etc. Know what I mean? I might downplay your photo a bit, or maybe look for a better one. To me I'd be skeptical of this system curing all my health problems if it can't even help me lose any weight. I know that weight loss isn't the point of your product, but to me "100% healthy" = slim, as mistaken as that might be.