Anyone suggestions on my "sales" letter?

[MouseandMice]

Hey guys!

Just wondering if you guys would be up to give me some ways to improve my sales letter...

I am thinking about testing JUST a video (no headline, blah blah blah)...

The Teenage Marketer's Secrets Revealed!


Any thoughts?

Thanks!
Ali

[Kyle Tully]

How about a REAL picture of your with your REAL car?

Just screams fake otherwise.

[Ken Strong]

Originally Posted by Kyle Tully

How about a REAL picture of your with your REAL car?

Just screams fake otherwise.

Or even better, in the video you were talking about... talk to the camera from the driver's seat, and then end with a shot of you zooming away at 100 mph...

[MontelloMarketing]

I love these "marketers" who think video is something to use INSTEAD OF writing. It's a hoot to see so many make stupid mistakes over and over again.

[Adaptive]

The design looks far younger than teenage. Maybe around 3rd grade.

Stop The Press!!! And Put This On The FRONT PAGE Of The Paper...

Utterly pointless drivel. This real estate should be used to indicate who is your market, and what you offer them. For example:

"High school students, there's a way to start a great paying freelance career without having to give up grades, social life, or the support of your family! I did it and I'll show you how."

"College student"... unless you got an early start at college, that's pushing it for "teenage."

A college student working while at high school? Huh?

"He will teach you"... why the sudden shift to third person?

What's the VIP list?

Until WHAT is "open"?

What does it mean that it will be "open"? (I realize it's probably your "product launch," but how should a teenager not already immersed in internet marketing know that?)

"I hate spam" is not specific. What specific steps do you take to ensure that this signup will not result in spam?

No contact info, no about section, no disclaimer.

A video would help, but I'd still like to see at least a half page overview of who you are and what's up with the whole thing.

Regards,
Allen

[colmodwyer]

I love these "marketers" who think video is something to use INSTEAD OF writing. It's a hoot to see so many make stupid mistakes over and over again.

The company I work for just did a launch of a re-vamped membership site... We were going to do video and a letter... The video seemed so strong though, we figured we'd "test" that alone... Worst. Launch. Ever.

Colm

[Matt James]

Sad to hear that Colm.

You know what's worse though? When a client decides on a video sales letter and, upon launch, has a 'technical glitch'. Cue gigantic black space slap bang above the fold.

Not a pretty sight.

[MontelloMarketing]

My biggest issue though is always having to deal with the vid-crazy marketers who slap a 12 minute video above the fold. Stupid, stupid, stupid!

Can't give the reader 12 minutes to fall out of the flow of a letter before they've even had a chance to get INTO the flow.

[Raydal]

Originally Posted by MontelloMarketing

My biggest issue though is always having to deal with the vid-crazy marketers who slap a 12 minute video above the fold. Stupid, stupid, stupid!

Can't give the reader 12 minutes to fall out of the flow of a letter before they've even had a chance to get INTO the flow.

So Vin you are calling me stupid?

I just completed a test of my own for my copywriting site doing
this same thing and the conversion went down. I don't know
if the page loading time had anything to do with it or the reason
you suggest, but I may have to test a separate smaller page
with the video.

-Ray Edwards

[MontelloMarketing]

Okay... my friend. Maybe "stupid" was just my frustration talking.

Basic rule of thumb should be... If you have video in your sales letter, short ones at top... longer ones further down in the page. The longer it is the further down into the letter it should be.

Again... sorry for the stupid remark.

(for the record, the "stupid, stupid, stupid" remark was all about the action, not the people doing the action.)

[BrianMcLeod]

Originally Posted by colmodwyer

The video seemed so strong though, we figured we'd "test" that alone... Worst. Launch. Ever.

LOL

Funny, Colm.

Ali,

I've been doing video online since there's BEEN video online. We're talking back in the days of mailing out CASSETTES because lots of folks didn't have CD players in their car yet. We're talking VHS tapes by the warehouse load because people didn't have DVD players yet.

I mention this only to better contextualize what I'm about to say...

VIDEO IS NOT A PANACEA! It is nothing more than one of several media that you use to communicate your sales message -- just like audio, just like email, just like direct mail...

It is not magical.

It is not all-powerful...

And it CERTAINLY does not replace written sales copy -- in fact, it relies upon it ENTIRELY.

Take a look at how DRTV marketers sell products to cold traffic with video:

http://www.getsnuggie.com

magicJack

These are RAZOR SHARP marketers spending 7 figures buying media and producing red-hot direct response spots that light up the phones and move millions upon millions of units.

There IS a world of marketing out there that folks ought to spend more time studying because the dollars absolutely DWARF the money in this incestuous little family we call IM.

No ****e.

Best,

Brian

[Chris Williamson]

If you're going to make claims like that you'll need to show a photo of yourself with the car at the very least.

And working "minutes a day" I read that and say "yeah right" and If I'm saying it then so will other people that visit your site. Even if it did only take minutes a day.. it doesn't sound believable and that's more important than claims.. plus you need a story.

People need to know about you before they give you their email. show them you're the real deal.. but in all honesty.. you're going to have a hard time convincing most people you've got much to offer.. I mean you have to compete with Frank K, Reese, Schefren..

Plus people are always going to wonder.. why the heck are you sharing your secrets?

Hope that helps.

[TheMagicShow]

The main problem here is credibility. Why should people give their email address to you? People want some type of proof -- maybe a testimonial, pictures of you and your car, etc.

Also, how about offering an incentive -- so people will join your list. Frank Kern is the master of this, he offers a free video upfront and then offers more free content if you join his list.

Take notes from his techniques and it can do wonders for your campaign(s).

[David Raybould]

Hey Ali,

This may be a personal thing, but
the cartoon style header graphics
make the whole thing seem like a
joke or some kind of kids site.

Wouldn't be surprised if that alone
was killing your conversions.

Good Luck

-David Raybould

[Woody C]

If you made enough to buy a Maserati, then why can't you afford a good graphic designer that can create some decent graphics? I feel that your site should either have better design graphics or some real pictures incorporated rather than cartoons.

Your headline is in the third person. Your sub-headline is in the first person. Are they the same person?

My best advice to you is to hire a top-notch copywriter instead of doing it yourself. Epsecially if you are making the money that you promote that you make.

[Daniel Scott]

Ali,

Was going to critique your site, but... there wasn't exactly a lot to critique.

I'm certainly no expert but I figure you're going for the "shorter is better" squeeze page approach.

However, apart from a headline there's absolutely nothing to tell me why I should sign up for your list... and the headline is so bland and "me too" that I really don't think that alone will do it.

I am a member here, and I've seen you in enough threads to know who you are and what you've accomplished... but no one else does.

To be honest, it just doesn't grab me. I may be a little more immune to the hype in this industry than your target market, I don't know, but to me it just lacks any kind of motivation for me to do what you're asking me to do.

-Dan

[Christie Love]

Hey Ali,

I think what everyone is trying to say here is that your copy really needs to be redone; starting at the very beginning.

When brainstorming ideas for your letter, think about your customer. What will attract them buy your product? Why? How? Where?

Use images your targeted buyer will relate to. And, my guess is that most people won't connect with cartoon characters.

Sometimes, videos are helpful to use; especially if you're showing the viewer how to use a program, or even a short introduction that suggests the visitor to continue reading your copy. But, you never want to make a video the basis of the entire sales letter.

You've got a lot of work to do, my friend. If you need help, just let me know.

[MouseandMice]

Hey Guys!

Thanks for the response so far.

I just realized that I made a MASSIVE mistake in my question to you guys...

A lot of the advice still helps, but I want to make sure you know that this is a PRELAUNCH (makeshift mind you) page...

IE I put it up so SOMETHING was up while everything was being set up...


-Ali

Ps- The guy who said I should hire a "good" designer... Ryan (Design Guru Ryan) made the template for me... IMHO, and many here, he is PAST good.

[Adaptive]

I put it up so SOMETHING was up while everything was being set up...

Is there a rush? $10,000 of already baked cakes that will go bad if you don't get them all in the mail by Wednesday? Why not wait until you have something really great to put up? It's not like people will lose interest in making money before you put up your site. Other than back to school in the fall, I don't see how it helps to have a so-so site now rather than a terrific site in a month or two.

Regards,
Allen

[EmpoweredCreator]

If you had the time to put that much up why not explain about yourself a little bit more, what you are going to be opening, when the expected launch date is... and then you can just simply tell them to give you their e-mail address if they just can't wait to see what's behind the curtain.

If you are having someone else design the page why not make a couple of videos on youtube and other video social networks that have a high tempo music going through your clickbank account showing everyone just how much money you've made.

Then have that video point back to your capture page that tells a little bit about you. Then you can even do some article marketing giving some small tips on how to do whatever it is you do.

At this point, if you are marketing that page you are killing your rep online before you really even have one. An "Under Construction" gif would be better than you marketing that page.

Honestly, if all this is true, it shouldn't take you but a few minutes to type up a short intro sales page that would grap peoples attention and even start a Viral Marketing Epedemic.

All this stuff would really only take minutes a day out of your life to implement plus it would help increase the word about you, your product, and your site. The secret is... Getting people to talk about you after they have left your site.

[BrianMcLeod]

Best buy.

Flip Mino HD.

You in your car.

Lay out what's in your course.

Tell them when you plan to open it up.

Ask them to put their name and email
in the form next to this video to get:

??? something kick ass from your upcoming
product.

Or, shortcut: hire somebody.

Best,

Brian

[Yacko]

Throwin' In My Two Cents.

1. As some other dudes have mentioned, why should I give you my email address, add some case studies, some visual aids (with captions), add some testimonials, add a video if its a short squeeze page. You need more 'believability'.

2. Your headline seems too 'fake'

The following words in red should be 'rephrased'

"College Student Breaks His Silence On How He Made Enough To Buy A Maserati Working Minutes A Day While In High School!"

Your headline should invoke curiosity, fear etc. Once again, basic stuff I learned back in Croatia. The role of the headline is not to show your prospects how sexy you are, the role of the headline is to get attention. AND THEN the art of 'conning' is performed .

Why don't you get a few famous dudes from this forum to recommend your website :]. +Believability

Why don't you put real pictorial proof?
+Believability.

Run along now,
Yacko Szcic

P.S You should maybe give away some content that convinces your prospects to give you their email . Actually, put it on your first page - Just like good ol' Frank Kern

P.P.S Your header isn't that bad.

[Mynt]

Definitely include pictures of the car.
Testimonials.. ect.
Good luck.

[Woody C]

Originally Posted by Yacko

2. Your headline seems too 'fake'

The following words in red should be 'rephrased'

"College Student Breaks His Silence On How He Made Enough To Buy A Maserati Working Minutes A Day While In High School!"

Per request above...

...I see you changed Maserati to Italian Sports Car which I don't think was a good decision.

Instead of focusing on the car, why not tell them exactly how much you made?

I think that "Teenager Breaks His Silence On How He Made $165,798.09 Last Year In Just Minutes A Day...While In High School" would be much more effective. I changed work because NO ONE wants to work for it.

Also, not everyone wants an Italian Sports Car, but everyone can buy what they want to buy (in their mind's eye) with $165,798.09.

You may want to test the font colors and see which one converts better. It is a proven tactic that black is good for normal words and red for word you want to stand out. I wouldn't mess with this. I would test though.

Instead of "teach" I would use "show" because most people equate teaching with school and studying while showing is easy.

I hope that helps a little bit. And if you do a video, please repost so we can see how it looks.

[Chad Kettner]

Tons of great ideas in this thread already - such as replacing your terrible lead with something that targets your prospects, saying a specific dollar amount rather than Maserati, taking a video of you in your car while you explain your "system", and explaining WHY you are breaking your silence.

Nobody cares to hear that you're rich and nobody wants to learn from somebody they don't know, like, or trust.

It comes down to this: give people what they want.

People don't want to hear hype, they want to see results. If you've bought a Maserati by working only minutes a day - prove it. And once you've done that, prove that you can replicate this success with them.

Your landing page doesn't do any this.

[Jon MacPherson]

My first reaction is: what's the current optin rate?

What testing have you done? Form above the fold? etc.?

I'm to the point where every thread in the WF just screams, "test!" to me.

And I feel like if something is worth doing then it is worth testing.

But then I'm looking for long-term niche domination and client retention.

Good luck on the project,

Jon

edit: on the following page there is an optin for the report "10 conversions secrets" that shows their testing of optin page layouts.

http://creativedigitalmedia.com/convert/index.html