Please, critique my sales letter.

[louisgeorges]

I just finish my very first sales letter!

I was talking with Kyle Tully who was generous enough to give me some advice and he told me I should post it here on this board to get your advice too.

I have to admit I’m a little intimidated by it but how else am I going to learn.

Keep in mind that it’s my very first sales letter (be gentle) and also that English is not my first language and over half of the page is stuff I copied/re-worked from PLR products I bought.

That’s why I think I’m having a hard time making it flow from one paragraph to the next especially at the beginning.

Ok, so what do you think?
Control Stress In Just 30 Seconds

Thanks,
Louis

[Chad Kettner]

I'll respond from a reader's perspective and not copywriters:

-I couldn't figure out what you were selling by "skimming" the page.
-Once I found out, you weren't able to convince me of the value of your offer, so there is no way I'd pay.
-Also, I couldn't find a thing about why I should buy from you. No credibility or trust builders whatsoever.

The writing is better than I expected from your post here and you definitely have A LOT to build on - you do a good job of establishing the problem, just a poor job of making your product THE solution.

[louisgeorges]

Originally Posted by Chad Kettner

I'll respond from a reader's perspective and not copywriters:

-I couldn't figure out what you were selling by "skimming" the page.
-Once I found out, you weren't able to convince me of the value of your offer, so there is no way I'd pay.
-Also, I couldn't find a thing about why I should buy from you. No credibility or trust builders whatsoever.

The writing is better than I expected from your post here and you definitely have A LOT to build on - you do a good job of establishing the problem, just a poor job of making your product THE solution.

Ok, it makes sense. I didn’t write all the newsletters yet, I was thinking of listing the title of each one with a short description when they’re done. Do you think it would help?

[Yacko]

HAHA. Just throwin in my two cents...

I was skimming through your page and found the actual copy was good. Just one problem, your headline *sucks*. Everything else seems A-okay.

Consider putting things like visual aids and videos on your page. Also, a bit of empathy and 'sense of understanding' can go a far way bro!

How do I change my headline?

:O. It's what I like to call 'mental trigger therapy' lewlz!

Try to trigger:
- Curiosity
- Fear (intense, don't scare them a little bit - Go full on bro)
- Sense of hope (By making a large promise)
- Surprise, by making a shocking statement
- A sense of authority (claiming your a psychologist or some crap)

Or try to use...
- 'How I......'
- 'How To....'

It's really not that hard considering I learned this stuff back in Croatia.

If I were in your situation bro, I'd probably use FEAR. As you've mentioned that 'Nothing does more damage to your body than stress', it might be a good idea. A 'How To..' headline may be a good idea too.

"Ex-Psychiatrist Reveals How To Tame Tension And Take Control Of Your Life"

^ Masterpiece ^. Model something like that bro.

Also, you might want to ask a question bro.

"Is Stress And Tension Taking Its Toll On Your Life?"

Something like that dude...

Good luck from the,

Croatian sensation,
Yacko Szcic

Geez, I'm formal.

P.S You forgot to add testimonials >_< to add believability + value. And make your product a clear solution to stress ------ I guess your doing the problem -> agitate -> solve formula :P

P.P.S Don't forget to add photographs and ****.

P.P.P.S You need to add value bro, maybe you should like post a pic of da product. Price it high and then make a discount to add more value.

P.P.P.P.S This is kinda like a sales letter lewlz, you prolly didn't realize. lol

[louisgeorges]

Yacko,

Thanks for the input, it's a lot of stuff! I'm going to have to read it again.

I don't have any testimonials yet but once I do I will definitely put them up on my page.

About the headline I was using this technique from this guy.

http://bencivengabullets.com/bullet_003.asp

Do you think I'm doing it wrong?

[Yacko]

Don't worry about that nimnut, there are two types of salesman you listen to:
> Croatians (me)
> The 'Dan Kennedy' Breed

Us Croatians are excellent con-artists ^_^.

Okay, after reanalyzing your page I've come to an extremely scientific conclusion.
My conclusion is that you need to follow a formula.

Even master croatian salesmen like me do this...

The three basic sales formula are:

Problem -> Agitate -> Solve

i.e)
Jimmy has a problem and comes to your website, you make it a 'big deal'. When Jimmy is nearly suicidal you introduce the solution.

I recommend you follow this one bro.

A.I.D.A
Arousal, Interest, Desire, Action

Arousal - Get attention with a kickass headline
Interest - Tell-A-Story
Desire - A few testimonials to increase value
Action - Call 2 Action

The Testimonial Sale

When your whole sales video/text is told by a person.

__________________________

Since I recommended you to like do Problem -> Agitate -> Solve, lets start by modifying your headline...

"A Near Crazy Ex-Psychologist Reveals The Two Step Formula Behind Taming Your Tension"

"Rebel Psychiatrist, <Insert your name> Reveals The Secrets Behind Taming Your Tension"

Now you've got the attention, you must highlight the problem...

Which brings us to the question, who are you targeting?

Mums, Dads, Doctors, Surgeons, Teachers, and so on and so on. Briefly, people with stressful jobs.

Then you'll agitate them.

Then you'll provide them free information (if your a list builder, which you're not)

Then you'll solve their problem by introducing your product. Don't call it a 'Product', lean towards it being called a 'formula or a system' (Some other dude said that on this forum).

You're all over the place with your product. Whilst introducing your product, I advise you take a similar approach to Johnny Reesehhh!

On his website, trafficsecrets.com, he has like...

Module 1 / DVD 1
- <Benefits of DVD 1>

People like to know what they're in for. But before you even start doing that, give a basic overview of your product. You might even want to create a video with the problem, agitate, solve and just list the features below the video, but either way, it's up to you.

And you need believability, so you should add some Case-studies or social proof/testimonials onto your webpage/video. You can always send me a free copy of your product and allow me to 'test it' I will provide a 'good' testimonial and feedback.

Unless you're a con-artist like me, you should always provide value to your customers - CONSISTENT VALUE.