How to be so great in bed she's the one falling asleep afterwards.

creativeblogger · 04-26-2009, 03:05 PM

Please critique my ad here for

The best sex advice you'll ever receive...free!

X-Posed - Secrets of The Sexes!: How to be so great in bed she's the one falling asleep afterwards.

thanks

cheeze69 · 04-26-2009, 09:24 PM

hmmm... I wasn't really "drawn in" by this page. Not even a chubby, if you know what I mean. I think you need to include a certain amount of the stuff that turns guys on (i.e. pr0n) for a letter like that which targets men. Think graphically -- writhing hips, guttural (sp?) groans for deep satisfaction, uncontrollable urges leading to repeated orgasms, etc. If there's no wood from imagining what I'm gonna get once I buy your report/whatever, then I don't have much motivation to buy it. If I get a rumbling from down under, I'm grabbing my wallet, however.

It mail boil down to the "women are from mars, men are from venus" thing. When a woman talks of "nasty" that's nowhere near as "nasty" as men are thinking (learned that the hard way when I was told "talk dirty to me" and then told "gross!" shortly afterwards!) You've gotta appeal to the male "nasty side" to sell something like that. Remember - guys want to think of themselves as pr0n stars: huge, satisfying, and all a woman can handle in a night. I think you're on the right track with the "wetter", "moans of ecstacy" and whatnot, but it's just not compelling or engrossing enough. Honestly, it sounds like it was written by a woman, if I can be that blunt. There's not enough imagery and the graphical stuff men think of when it cums to sex.

OnlineMasterMind · 04-26-2009, 10:13 PM

I think this site is on the verge of millions. The only thing you need is to ad your "pregnant man" video below the headline:

YouTube - Worlds First Pregnant Man - narrated by...

Kevin Lam · 04-26-2009, 11:44 PM

Sorry, injected hormones and an inch-long clitoris doesn't make her a man. She doesn't qualify as the "first pregnant man". I saw the whole documentary as well. I mean, I wouldn't straight out talk crap to her because that's just rude, but I just don't think she qualifies as a man to be the first.

As for the ad in question... let's just say my eyes kept being drawn to the side and I ended up skipping a lot of content. The headline is dreadful and doesn't really draw attention. The whole copy is dry and sporadic.

Here's what I mean, you start out with "I am going to tell you how you can be the best lover she ever had!" And then you just start asking questions. Is that really how it's done or is that your unconventional USP at play again?

Skipping ahead, you then say, "Whatever the reason you're here, I will have the answer that will help you to have better sex." And then you jump right into telling them about a tip on another page. The point of good copy is to KEEP the person on the page and read what is there and eventually buy or do something that is of value to the site owner or product owner.

That's all I'm going to say. I'm not going to spend all my time critiquing an "ad." If you're a real copywriter as you claim to be in so many posts, why must you constantly ask us for advice or feedback on your copy? You're obviously not there yet.

"Fasten your seat belt, cos you are in for one hell of a ride!" Seriously? "Cos?" Come on.

One thing I find very funny though is that the ad is about better sex but at the bottom of the "ad" is a doubclick.net ad for "help those most in need" - an ad for the poor.

The Copy Nazi · 04-27-2009, 03:41 AM

Another faux "critique" huh? Best line on that whole cheesy page is "Subscribe now so you stay up to date and don't miss a vital tip!"

creativeblogger · 04-27-2009, 06:28 AM

Not sure where the pregnant man thing is supposed to fit in?

I did a re-write, it's a blog post so I just injected myself into it more

http://girltalk-ladiesonly.blogspot....-shes-one.html

New title

How to avoid boredom in the bedroom and be the greatest lover she's ever had.

Kevin Lam · 04-27-2009, 07:41 AM

OMM was just mocking you because your ad doesn't make sense. Anyway, from the way you responded this time, I feel as if you're finally coming around and accepting suggestions so now I am more inclined to say a little more.

The top 25% of the copy is a huge improvement compared to how it was before. You removed all the clutter and the questions that would make people stop reading. It actually flows much better now and they are not distracted to click on to another page. So kudos to you on that.

About half way through the entire thing you mentioned your newsletter and for people to subscribe. Quite honestly, you could have ended your "ad" RIGHT THERE. Instead, you went on and it ends up just dragging. I say dragging because you're doing 2 different things at the wrong time. To me, the top half is ad 1 (your newsletter) and the second half is ad 2 (Michael's product). They're totally different although they both apply to "sex". It's either one or the other, Leah.

You're telling people they can subscribe and get the information for free but then you say to buy a product from someone else, which means all that building up to YOUR credibility is then given away to someone else. The entire thing just doesn't make sense. Like I said, top half's flow was pretty good. I'd say take out the mention of your newsletter and iron out the second half to fit in Michael's product more smoothly. I'm sure that's what the ad was originally for anyone.

Make your readers concentrate on ONE thing at a time.

creativeblogger · 04-27-2009, 08:30 AM

I agree

My gut said 'short ad' too after the re-write, but I keep seeing these mega marathon long ads, so thought I'd give it a shot.

I'll trust my gut and chop it all up!

Thanks Kevin.

Meanwhile:
The only reason you and I crossed swords before is not because I wouldn't listen but because amidst your advice in another thread you accused me of some wrong doing which is fair to say anyone would react to.

I gave out some bad advice in another thread through naivity not through dishonesty and I deleted it as I am a responsible person.

I haven't backed down on the free ads thing as that does genuinely work in specific cases (businesses with a local target market) and isn't remotely keyword spam.

Thank you for taking the time to reply and as you can see I do implement what I see as good advice.

I've never ignored advice.

I only implement things quickly when they make sense to me. That doesn't mean the advice I do not implement is bad. It just means I need to understand it more which I do by debating the point further until it becomes clearer. It's not meant to be argumentative, it's just my way of getting a clearer picture.

If I was ignoring the advice, no one would ever get a reply from me about it!

I don't blindly follow advice, regardless of the source. This can make me appear very bloody minded. But that's ok, I can live with it. You win some you lose some it's all good fun.

Off to chop up my ad!

creativeblogger · 04-27-2009, 08:46 AM

Ad has been sliced.

I agree, reads and looks far better.

Thanks Kevin.

Kevin Lam · 04-27-2009, 09:31 AM

Yes, looks better. You can thank me with that black button that says "thanks" lol.

creativeblogger · 04-27-2009, 10:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cheeze69

hmmm... I wasn't really "drawn in" by this page. Not even a chubby, if you know what I mean. I think you need to include a certain amount of the stuff that turns guys on (i.e. pr0n) for a letter like that which targets men. Think graphically -- writhing hips, guttural (sp?) groans for deep satisfaction, uncontrollable urges leading to repeated orgasms, etc. If there's no wood from imagining what I'm gonna get once I buy your report/whatever, then I don't have much motivation to buy it. If I get a rumbling from down under, I'm grabbing my wallet, however.

It mail boil down to the "women are from mars, men are from venus" thing. When a woman talks of "nasty" that's nowhere near as "nasty" as men are thinking (learned that the hard way when I was told "talk dirty to me" and then told "gross!" shortly afterwards!) You've gotta appeal to the male "nasty side" to sell something like that. Remember - guys want to think of themselves as pr0n stars: huge, satisfying, and all a woman can handle in a night. I think you're on the right track with the "wetter", "moans of ecstacy" and whatnot, but it's just not compelling or engrossing enough. Honestly, it sounds like it was written by a woman, if I can be that blunt. There's not enough imagery and the graphical stuff men think of when it cums to sex.

I can do 'nasty' but that's as a ghost writer. I can't have 'porn' on my blog.

Maybe I should aim this advice at women instead

'The way to keep a man is to spit on his.....'

Hmmm, I can feel a post coming on.

04-26-2009, 03:05 PM	#1
creativeblogger Active Warrior Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: UK Posts: 64 Thanks: 5 Thanked 4 Times in 2 Posts	How to be so great in bed she's the one falling asleep afterwards. Please critique my ad here for The best sex advice you'll ever receive...free! X-Posed - Secrets of The Sexes!: How to be so great in bed she's the one falling asleep afterwards. thanks
	Pain Free Marketing

04-26-2009, 09:24 PM	#2
cheeze69 Active Warrior War Room Member Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: , , . Posts: 83 Thanks: 36 Thanked 7 Times in 6 Posts	Re: How to be so great in bed she's the one falling asleep afterwards. hmmm... I wasn't really "drawn in" by this page. Not even a chubby, if you know what I mean. I think you need to include a certain amount of the stuff that turns guys on (i.e. pr0n) for a letter like that which targets men. Think graphically -- writhing hips, guttural (sp?) groans for deep satisfaction, uncontrollable urges leading to repeated orgasms, etc. If there's no wood from imagining what I'm gonna get once I buy your report/whatever, then I don't have much motivation to buy it. If I get a rumbling from down under, I'm grabbing my wallet, however. It mail boil down to the "women are from mars, men are from venus" thing. When a woman talks of "nasty" that's nowhere near as "nasty" as men are thinking (learned that the hard way when I was told "talk dirty to me" and then told "gross!" shortly afterwards!) You've gotta appeal to the male "nasty side" to sell something like that. Remember - guys want to think of themselves as pr0n stars: huge, satisfying, and all a woman can handle in a night. I think you're on the right track with the "wetter", "moans of ecstacy" and whatnot, but it's just not compelling or engrossing enough. Honestly, it sounds like it was written by a woman, if I can be that blunt. There's not enough imagery and the graphical stuff men think of when it cums to sex.

04-26-2009, 11:44 PM	#4
Kevin Lam Dare To Dream War Room Member Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 986 Blog Entries: 1 Thanks: 185 Thanked 231 Times in 156 Posts	Re: How to be so great in bed she's the one falling asleep afterwards. Sorry, injected hormones and an inch-long clitoris doesn't make her a man. She doesn't qualify as the "first pregnant man". I saw the whole documentary as well. I mean, I wouldn't straight out talk crap to her because that's just rude, but I just don't think she qualifies as a man to be the first. As for the ad in question... let's just say my eyes kept being drawn to the side and I ended up skipping a lot of content. The headline is dreadful and doesn't really draw attention. The whole copy is dry and sporadic. Here's what I mean, you start out with "I am going to tell you how you can be the best lover she ever had!" And then you just start asking questions. Is that really how it's done or is that your unconventional USP at play again? Skipping ahead, you then say, "Whatever the reason you're here, I will have the answer that will help you to have better sex." And then you jump right into telling them about a tip on another page. The point of good copy is to KEEP the person on the page and read what is there and eventually buy or do something that is of value to the site owner or product owner. That's all I'm going to say. I'm not going to spend all my time critiquing an "ad." If you're a real copywriter as you claim to be in so many posts, why must you constantly ask us for advice or feedback on your copy? You're obviously not there yet. "Fasten your seat belt, cos you are in for one hell of a ride!" Seriously? "Cos?" Come on. One thing I find very funny though is that the ad is about better sex but at the bottom of the "ad" is a doubclick.net ad for "help those most in need" - an ad for the poor.

04-27-2009, 03:41 AM	#5
The Copy Nazi Mal Lambe War Room Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: The Bunker, Paris Posts: 2,490 Blog Entries: 2 Thanks: 791 Thanked 1,481 Times in 701 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: How to be so great in bed she's the one falling asleep afterwards. Another faux "critique" huh? Best line on that whole cheesy page is "Subscribe now so you stay up to date and don't miss a vital tip!"

04-27-2009, 06:28 AM	#6
creativeblogger Active Warrior Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: UK Posts: 64 Thanks: 5 Thanked 4 Times in 2 Posts	Re: How to be so great in bed she's the one falling asleep afterwards. Not sure where the pregnant man thing is supposed to fit in? I did a re-write, it's a blog post so I just injected myself into it more http://girltalk-ladiesonly.blogspot....-shes-one.html New title How to avoid boredom in the bedroom and be the greatest lover she's ever had.
	Pain Free Marketing

04-27-2009, 07:41 AM	#7
Kevin Lam Dare To Dream War Room Member Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 986 Blog Entries: 1 Thanks: 185 Thanked 231 Times in 156 Posts	Re: How to be so great in bed she's the one falling asleep afterwards. OMM was just mocking you because your ad doesn't make sense. Anyway, from the way you responded this time, I feel as if you're finally coming around and accepting suggestions so now I am more inclined to say a little more. The top 25% of the copy is a huge improvement compared to how it was before. You removed all the clutter and the questions that would make people stop reading. It actually flows much better now and they are not distracted to click on to another page. So kudos to you on that. About half way through the entire thing you mentioned your newsletter and for people to subscribe. Quite honestly, you could have ended your "ad" RIGHT THERE. Instead, you went on and it ends up just dragging. I say dragging because you're doing 2 different things at the wrong time. To me, the top half is ad 1 (your newsletter) and the second half is ad 2 (Michael's product). They're totally different although they both apply to "sex". It's either one or the other, Leah. You're telling people they can subscribe and get the information for free but then you say to buy a product from someone else, which means all that building up to YOUR credibility is then given away to someone else. The entire thing just doesn't make sense. Like I said, top half's flow was pretty good. I'd say take out the mention of your newsletter and iron out the second half to fit in Michael's product more smoothly. I'm sure that's what the ad was originally for anyone. Make your readers concentrate on ONE thing at a time.

04-27-2009, 08:30 AM	#8
creativeblogger Active Warrior Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: UK Posts: 64 Thanks: 5 Thanked 4 Times in 2 Posts	Re: How to be so great in bed she's the one falling asleep afterwards. I agree My gut said 'short ad' too after the re-write, but I keep seeing these mega marathon long ads, so thought I'd give it a shot. I'll trust my gut and chop it all up! Thanks Kevin. Meanwhile: The only reason you and I crossed swords before is not because I wouldn't listen but because amidst your advice in another thread you accused me of some wrong doing which is fair to say anyone would react to. I gave out some bad advice in another thread through naivity not through dishonesty and I deleted it as I am a responsible person. I haven't backed down on the free ads thing as that does genuinely work in specific cases (businesses with a local target market) and isn't remotely keyword spam. Thank you for taking the time to reply and as you can see I do implement what I see as good advice. I've never ignored advice. I only implement things quickly when they make sense to me. That doesn't mean the advice I do not implement is bad. It just means I need to understand it more which I do by debating the point further until it becomes clearer. It's not meant to be argumentative, it's just my way of getting a clearer picture. If I was ignoring the advice, no one would ever get a reply from me about it! I don't blindly follow advice, regardless of the source. This can make me appear very bloody minded. But that's ok, I can live with it. You win some you lose some it's all good fun. Off to chop up my ad!
	Pain Free Marketing

04-27-2009, 08:46 AM	#9
creativeblogger Active Warrior Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: UK Posts: 64 Thanks: 5 Thanked 4 Times in 2 Posts	Re: How to be so great in bed she's the one falling asleep afterwards. Ad has been sliced. I agree, reads and looks far better. Thanks Kevin.
	Pain Free Marketing

04-27-2009, 09:31 AM	#10
Kevin Lam Dare To Dream War Room Member Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 986 Blog Entries: 1 Thanks: 185 Thanked 231 Times in 156 Posts	Re: How to be so great in bed she's the one falling asleep afterwards. Yes, looks better. You can thank me with that black button that says "thanks" lol.