Looking For Critique's For My Salescopy

[Craig Dawber]

Hi there,

Copywriting has never been one of my strong points but I've given it ago using some sample templates that I had.

It's not quite finished but I'm looking for any decent copy-writers who would mind having a look at my salescopy and giving me some pointers.

Here's the site in question:

First Draft:

http://www.plrvideoscenter.com/

Any thoughts good or bad would be much appreciated.

Thanks

Craig

[TSDMike]

Whenever I see a request for a critique I look at the site from the perspective of a consumer - not a marketer (I know the target audience IS marketers, but that notwithstanding...). For that reason, a lot of what I am about to say will probably be 'fundamentally' incorrect.

I like the varying colors. I found it pleasing to the eye.

The whole thing comes off a generic and superficial sales pitch.

It's way too long. It just came across as a whole bunch of bull****. It seemed to lack substance for me. It feels as though you are forcing so much information at me to convince me that I need to subscribe to this. I have always been a fan of 'less is more'. Maybe that doesn't apply here.

It really doesn't demonstrate what's actually for sale until halfway through the sales pitch. I normally would have never made it that far.

Maybe someone can elaborate on this, but I see this over and over again and it makes me instantly want to quit reading:

From the desk of: (Some guy I've never heard of).

"Dear Friend" - We're not friends. We don't even know each other. And why does this attempt to come off as an email in my inbox?

What's with the P.S.S. things at the bottom of every pitch I read? The way it comes off to me is that you've just made this whole long-ass pitch and then ... 'oh in case you missed it....' If they made it to the bottom of the ad, then they shouldn't have missed anything, right? And the fact that they're PSSes - doesn't that sort of imply an assumption that they're already bought the product? Since it is located after the purchase link?

A lot of the text wording is pretty sketchy. Proofread it better and I am sure you'll the errors.

Those are my gut reactions. Take them for what they're worth.

Good Luck.

Mike

[David Raybould]

Hi Craig,

First up, your headline and subhead
are pretty bloated. Try and boil them
down to the point where they're as
short as they can be.

You'll also want to make sure you're
conveying your benefits as clearly as
possible, and really drag the reader
down into the body copy.

With the headline/subhead as they
are, you're probably losing people
right off the bat.

Along those lines, your first
sentence is also too much.

Read it aloud and you'll see
what I mean. The "if...then"
sentence can work well, but
it needs to be a lot shorter.

If you make your sentences
shorter in general, you'll get
more readers headed where
you want them to go - the
bottom of the page.

I'd reconsider the formatting
of your "9 reasons" bullets
too. They look a little scattered
as it is, and not in a good way.

Try to make each one the same
number of lines so there's a
similar feel, and also they could
do with some emphasis - add
bold etc.

I'd definitely reconsider your value
building too. The customer probably
doesn't care how much your
development costs are, so proving
value that way is going to be tough.

Lastly, get rid of the FAQs, and
put one of your best testimonials
there instead.

Hope that helps buddy.

-David Raybould

[Craig Dawber]

Originally Posted by David Raybould

Hope that helps buddy.

-David Raybould

Hi David,

Thanks for your intelligent feedback, ill take what
you've said on board and make some changes

Thanks again

Craig

[David Raybould]

No problem.

Good luck.

[Craig Dawber]

Ok I've updated the copy a little from the comments
I've been receiving on here.

Here's the updated copy.

http://www.plrvideoscenter.com/

Let me know your thoughts....good or bad :-)

Thanks

Craig

[Craig Dawber]

I'm struggling for a strong headline.

Has anybody any suggestions?

Thanks for your help.

Craig

[Peter Ramos]

Hi Craig,
Just a few pointers (thinking as a marketer not a customer)
1. At the PPS's instead of making it sound like you are only taking
x amount of members, I would go more for the "There is only
x amount of positions left!"
2. At the PPS's again, I would change the money back guarantee
for the first PS in case the reader just get to there before closing
out your site and decides that he rather want he's money back
than getting into that small list of yours.
3. I would definitely work on the Headers/Subheaders...remember
these are very, very helpful as you reader just scans you sales
page and finds a point of interest. First with your main header.
Make it far more eye catching and then work towards subheaders
trying to keep in mind that all of those have to relate to the text
that comes afterwards.

Well, I just took a few mins to just outline some of the thing I would
make a change of...you dont have to agree with me though

[Craig Dawber]

That's excellent Peter,

Just the kind of feedback that I'm looking for.

Thanks

Craig

[Peter Ramos]

No problem, just remember this basic principle

~Your reader will never read word by word at
your sales page; therefore, you should always
make very eye catching headers/subheaders
(that then the following text relates to it)
and be broad about them since what it might be
important for some might not be for others.

[briancassingena]

Hey Mike

Appreciate you taking the time to give this guy some feedback on his site.

The 'dear friend' part is a tested and proven component of any sales letter. Guys like Ted Nicholas and Trevor Crook have been using it for years, and they learned it from their mentors. If you can target your market with this, such as 'dear internet marketer', or 'dear fitness buff', then that's great, as long as you are 100% positive you are addressing them correctly. Otherwise, dear friend is a tried and true opening.

Less is not more. A letter can never ever be too long, only too boring! If you're not interested in PLR products, why would you even want to read 3 words about them? But if you are interested, then you want as much info as possible. The more you tell the more you sell.

And the PS is the second most read part of any sales letter. People don't always read through to the end, often they will scroll down to see the price, etc. So your PS has to be as powerful as your headline and subhead.

[briancassingena]

Hey David, the opening sentence on the first letter is fine. It's much more powerful than the second version. The if/then opening is a classic opening sentence, it works and it's not all that long. Good feedback otherwise

[TimSchaefer]

Craig, I'm a bit confused. Maybe you could clear this up for me...

What decisions led you to go from more or less getting to the point in your original headline and lead to this latest version?

I had to double check to make sure I was looking at the versions in the right order. You seem to be going in reverse here.

[Craig Dawber]

Originally Posted by TimSchaefer

Craig, I'm a bit confused. Maybe you could clear this up for me...

What decisions led you to go from more or less getting to the point in your original headline and lead to this latest version?

I had to double check to make sure I was looking at the versions in the right order. You seem to be going in reverse here.

Hi Tim,

I changed the copy as from the advice I was getting in here about the headlines
being bloated and the opening lines were too much so I tried a different approach.

Do you really think I'm going backwards?

What does everyone else think?

Let me know

Craig

[TimSchaefer]

Craig,

The reason I say reverse is you go from a message that calls out your market and tells them what's in it for them.

You're original version seems more focused on the active online marketers who can use your membership to add a new stream of income selling PLR tutorial vids.

The new version starts rambling and takes a long time to get to the point of what they site's really about while making me wonder who you're actually targeting.

Now your original version (as well as the new) still beats around the bush, explaining the importance of info marketing to a crowd who would, presumably, already be info marketers -- like telling a dentist why they should work on teeth -- but at least I already know what you're getting to as I scan down it.

Yes, the original version needs sharpening... but you seem to have shot off on a different tangent with your rewrite.

[Craig Dawber]

Ok Tim,

This is one of the reasons I keep the original copy.

What pointers if any do you have for the original copy?

Thanks

Craig

[Craig Dawber]

Ok I think I better start again with the basics first with the original copy....

....this copywriting isn't easy you know!

http://plrvideoscenter.com/

Questions:

1) Headlines:

I still need to change the headline for the orginal copy as the feedback I'm receiving is that's it's too bloated.

Has anyone any ideas of some great opening headlines to use?

2) P.S's

I think Peter was right about not mentioning about how many members I was taking but how many membership places were left.

So I need to figure out how to word that.

3) have I missed anything?

Can anyone else see anything else that I could do to improve the copy.

The changes I make will now be shown on this page so there's no confusion.

Your No.1 Source For Internet Marketing Private Label Video Tutorials

Thanks for all your help, it's much appreciated.

Craig

[David Raybould]

Hi Craig,

You can easily get rid of the
bloat in your headline by focusing
more on the benefits.

What is the end result of joining
up? Is it just that they get PLR
vids and things?

Or is it that they can then use
those videos and things to make
money from?

Think about what the ideal end
result is going to be, and make
the headline about that.

It's going to be pretty tough to
get people excited about owning
PLR on its own, so you have to
dig a little deeper.

Hope that helps.

-David Raybould

[Bald Brit]

Dear Craig,

You've obviously worked your butt off on this. You've probably lost sleep and gone over it again and again. Been there.

But before you write another word, consider this. Stop. Walk away from the cookie jar. Breathe. Take off your marketer's hat and put on your shopper's hat.

Done that? Splendid. Now, print out your masterpiece and read it out loud.

OK, so you'll sound dumb and your beloved and your neighbors will think you're going gaga, but trust me.

Your sales letter’s main role is to get your prospect to click on your big fat, BUY NOW button. To get your prospect to that point (let’s give this dude a name. Let’s call him Bubba), Bubba’s got to like you. He’s also got to believe you, and he’s got to trust you.

To persuade Bubba to give you his money, your message must identify and address Bubba’s problem. To do this your message must sound natural and conversational; it must flow and it must hit certain marks as it flows.

As your potential buyer, why the heck should Bubba give you his money? What’s in the relationship for him?

What problems is Bubba trying to solve? PAIN POINTS
What else has Bubba used? COMPETITION
What are Bubba’s alternatives? GIVING UP/ REMAINING STUCK?
What’s so great about you? MAKE BUBBA LIKE YOU
What’s different and great about your product? BENEFITS FOR BUBBA
What else do you offer? BUBBA’S LOOKING FOR HUGE VALUE
What proof do you offer? BUBBA NEEDS TESTIMONIALS
What guarantee does Bubba get? HOW DOES BUBBA GET HIS MONEY BACK IF YOR PRODUCT SUCKS?

You are not selling “things”, you’re offering Bubba a valuable solution to his problem.

As you read your message, every time you come across an element that doesn't ring true or that isn't pulling its weight, use a highlighter to mark the offending clause.

Any point that fails to lead Bubba logically, magically, naturally toward the answer to his prayers (buying your value laden, benefit rich product), isn’t helping you convince Bubba to buy from you. If an element isn’t pulling its weight, delete it. Be brutal.

You've got to get inside Bubba's head. To do this ask yourself what questions he's asking, what keeps him up at night, what conversations is he having inside his head?
Your answers to those questions (and the ways you incorporate them into your narrative) will play an important role in the success or failure of your sales letter.

You might also want to consider asking someone else to read a printed version of your letter (not an onscreen version). Make that person someone you know and trust, someone with a warm body, a heartbeat, and an opinion and not just some rambling weirdo in an online forum. Hope this helps.

[Craig Dawber]

Thanks for the advice guys,

I've updated the the headlines now.

What do you think?

Your No.1 Source For Internet Marketing Private Label Video Tutorials

Craig

[BrianMcLeod]

You can still trim some fat away from that headline, Craig.

This isn't perfect by any stretch but it's merely for illustration -- Notice how much more direct your primary benefit is... making money right away.

"Discover The Almost "Magic" Money Making Secret
That Can Double Or Even Triple Your Income
In The Next Two Weeks..."

My main issue is your target market. Are you sure that frustrated newbies is the market you're after?

The brokest, cheapest, "don't know what they don't know" market?

You're gonna have to chop a lot of wood that way.

I would advise you to consider recalibrating your offer for a more successful marketer. Not necessarily folks making a ton of money already, just marketers with experience who understand what PLR is all about and the value it represents.

Somebody who is already earning SOMETHING online can easily justify $47 a month for a new revenue stream each month. Marketers making bupkis may also "buy the dream" initially, but retention's going to suffer when they inevitably do nothing with the products they receive and bail out.

Anyway, you're a LOT closer than many of the critique requests that come through here and you're obviously working hard at this, trying to implement the advice you've been given (and you've had some great advice so far!).

Best,

Brian

[Bald Brit]

Craig,

You're welcome and I'm glad my suggestions were useful.

Brian is, of course bang on with his comments, and I'd like
to add another suggestion or two, if I may.

Your opening might serve you better as an ending, one with
your product name inserted into it, so consider removing:

Going nowhere? Unhappy with your current earnings and the kind of
life it allows? Then CHANGE IT! Change it now! And do it TODAY!

from the beginning of your letter.

Brian's also quite right on the issue of your headline.

What you've got at the moment is OK. But its muddy structure
obscures the problem your product is meant to solve.

Remember, BUBBA's got to wade through all those words and
get something out of them, something he really wants.

What follows isn't quite right either, but do you see how the
main benefit is there, right up front?

"Finally, The Ultimate Video Tutorial, Money Making Secret
That Will Put You Where You Belong … In The Company of the Web's Exclusive “Top Earners”.

Then, consider following it up with a view into the future. Perhaps something
like this:

Just 14 Days From Now, You Could Cranking Out Grade "A",
Killer Video Promotions Right There On Your PC. Risk Free AND Worthy of
Hollywood's Best!

The "14 Days" element adds more weight than your "2 Weeks" idea.
True, the amount of time is the same, but the perception is of more.

This approach generates desire, aspiration, and implants visions of red carpet
style presentations and award shows in BUBBA'S imagination. Again, it's not
perfect, but it sets a specific stage for BUBBA to wander around on.

Your salutation could also use a leg up because to be honest, BUBBA does
not want to be a "Dear fellow marketer," because BUBBA sees himself as
having way more punch.

Instead, BUBBA might want to see himself as:

Dear Successful Video User,

At the moment, I don't have time to go through
your letter line by line, but think more about
writing to just one person. That person has dreams.
Your product will make those dreams come true.

Your writing is pretty good. Keep at it and your
final letter will be awesome.

And again, many thanks for the feedback on my
previous suggestions.

[Craig Dawber]

Thank you so much for all your help so far on here... guys you know who are are! :-)

You guys are awesome.

Craig

[Craig Dawber]

Hi Bald Brit,

I took your advice on the main headline and the sub headline.

I think the main headline needs a bit of work though.

What does everyone else think?

Apart from the headline and the missing testimonials I personally think it's coming along great....

But anymore advice on how I can improve things would be greatfully received.

Thanks for all your help so far.

Craig

[Bald Brit]

Craig,

I'm both flattered and pleased that my humble suggestions
are, in some way, shape, or form, helping your cause.

I've been involved in the joys, trials, woes, and highlights
of copywriting, graphic design, and marketing for nigh on
25 years and I'm still learning.

I also know from painful and personal drama and toil how ...
when reviewing one's own work ... how utterly debilitating it can
be to know in one's heart that one's copy is somehow not quite right,
that it is somehow failing to touch just the right emotion and feebly
deficient in its ability to elicit just the right feeling.

I also know how frustrating it is (and can be) to not know why things
are not 'right', but worse still, to not know how to put into words the
words that are lacking to express how to put into words the thing that
needs to be put into words!

Goodness me!

What I'm getting at here (and I pray that other writers reading this
might chip in and rescue me or at the very least, back up what I'm saying)
is that regardless of how frustrating the process might be for any of us ...
slaves as we are to the written word ... it is only through endurance and
endeavor that we overcome.

Stay your course and remember Mr. Hill's tale of Three Feet From the Gold.

[Craig Dawber]

Hi warriors,

I'm still looking for feedback on my site.

Your No.1 Source For Internet Marketing Private Label Video Tutorials

So if you can help in anyway or would just like to comment then please let me know.

I personally think my copy still needs some work but I seem to be at a road block and I'm struggling to finish off the copy.

Let's here your thoughts.

Craig

[Craig Dawber]

Come on Warriors....lets hear your thoughts on how I can improve my salescopy.

I've had some great help so far....especially off Bald Brit and I few other warriors but I still need some feedback.

All comments welcome.

Thanks

Craig

[Star Riley]

Ever heard of a swipe file?

Find the last sales letter that made you buy and find the hot buttons reword it to fit your benefits. If that's good enough for Dan Kennedy it's good enough for me.

So many pointers are good here but you also have to go with your gut and test then tweak once it goes live or to a in house market. I find a lot of good quality copy in the form of WSO "straight to the point, benefit and offer" that are hard to refuse.

[PaulMartinezCopywriting]

Hi Craig,

One thing I saw as I read through the letter was the lack of clear benefits in some of the bullet points, especially the ones under the "Six Killer Reasons" headline.

You DO have them in there...but they really should be the primary focus of the bullet point--meaning each bullet should start with the big benefit (in bold). Then you can go into more detail on exactly how your product will fulfill the prospect's needs.

I've also noticed a few places where there are some "hiccups" in the copy. For instance, you have a paragraph that reads:


"You act like a provider (creator, owner..whatever) to your customers. We work behind the curtains and create a professional plr video series of 10+ plr videos every month for you (and your customers). Simply upload them to your servers and collect all the profit like a clockwork."

Why the parentheses? There's no clear reason to use them, and they cause the reader to disengage (even if only for a second) from your sales pitch. That's what I mean by "hiccup". Little things like this can makea big difference in the effectiveness of your copy.

Also, you might want to take another look at the use of subheads. It feels like a bit too much, at least to me. Some of them are right on top of each other, and occasionally repetitive. Finally, take a closer look at your sentence structure. Shorter is better in most cases. For a good example, go dig up some of Dan Kennedy's or John Carlton's copy. There's no wasted verbiage--just clean, simply structured sentences that pull the reader in and get them moving towards a purchase. Each and every word has a reason for being there.

All that said, the overall copy looks good and the product sounds great. I think if you take the recommendations everyone has made you'll see a big increase in conversions.

As a final thought, I'm wondering in $47 isn't too cheap for this product. It sounds too good to be true--for $47/month I'd expect some pretty poor content, to be honest. I've been burned a few times with PLR memberships--and I suspect the same is true of your target customers. Maybe you need to be "reassuringly expensive". Not $497/month expensive, but maybe $97/month.

If that feels too risky, maybe you could pare down the original offering a bit and create an upsell. However, if you product is as valuable as you claim--especially since you're essentially selling money at a discount-- you should be charging a price that reflects that value.

Hope this helps!

Paul

[mr.steve]

"This is not a scam!"

This kills your ad.

You've essentially told your prospects:
"This could be a scam..."

Many prospects will think: "This is a scam!"

Why raise doubts in the first place?

Yours

Steve

[Craig Dawber]

Originally Posted by mr.steve

"This is not a scam!"

This kills your ad.

You've essentially told your prospects:
"This could be a scam..."

Many prospects will think: "This is a scam!"

Why raise doubts in the first place?

Yours

Steve

Hi Steve,

Thanks for your comments but you've been reading the wrong copy.

The correct copy is now here:

http://www.plrvideoscenter.com/

Thanks

Craig

[Craig Dawber]

Ok warriors,

I think what I'm going to do now, is launch my site with the copy as is then pay a good copy-writer with the profits from sales to re-write the copy and then test conversions.

I know are going to say that I'm doing it the wrong way round but I'm afraid that is how it has to be and I think when members see the quality of what thay receive as a member then they wouldn't even consider leaving.

So with that said if any copy-writer would like to work on my copy after the launch then please PM me so we can discuss more details.

Let me know and keep the comments coming warriors

Craig

[mr.steve]

Originally Posted by Craig Dawber

Hi Steve,

Thanks for your comments but you've been reading the wrong copy.

The correct copy is now here:

PLR Video Center,private label rights,plr video

Thanks

Craig

Get you...

OK....

New copy crit...

No real hook
Promise is unbelievable
No USP
Sounds like a zillion other products out there

But test it and see what you get

Steve

[Craig Dawber]

Originally Posted by mr.steve

Get you...

OK....

New copy crit...

No real hook
Promise is unbelievable
No USP
Sounds like a zillion other products out there

But test it and see what you get

Steve

Hi Steve,

Why did you take my comment the wrong way about the wrong copy?

I've read back my comments and still don't see anything wrong with it.

Anyway thanks for your feedback.

Craig

[Loren Woirhaye]

Every word above-the-fold (and much below it) is just
hype and puffery. You take a long time to get around
to getting specific about the actual benefits of your
product.

Be honest with yourself - the first part of your letter
is just get-rich-quick rhetoric. Lacks credible specificity.

[mr.steve]

Originally Posted by Craig Dawber

Hi Steve,

Why did you take my comment the wrong way about the wrong copy?

I've read back my comments and still don't see anything wrong with it.

Anyway thanks for your feedback.

Craig

Hey Craig

Apologies if my post came across like that...

Didn't take it the wrong the way at all.

Nothing wrong with your comments in the slightest

Let us know how you get on when you test the letter.

All the best

Steve

[Craig Dawber]

Hi warriors,

I'm still looking for help with my copy if there's anyone willing to help, I'd love to hear from you.

Thanks

Craig

[Craig Dawber]

OK Warriors,

I have been placing testimonials on my site over the weekend :-)

http://www.plrvideoscenter.com/

Even though the products are great and I think everyone will love them, the copy still need a bit of work.

Any last tips and advice before I start promoting?

Craig

[djenyns]

I've just taken a look at your copy and have two pointers . . .

1 already covered and 1 you need to address.

1) First things first - until halfway down your copy I'm really not sure what you're selling.


2) And most importantly - Frank Kern, following from Dan Kennedy, always says that if you scan through your sales copy and read the subtitles out loud they should tell your story in perfect sense. When I do that for yours it doesn't make the best of sense. Maybe try that tactic. . .

[djenyns]

One more thing that strikes me as being of great significance here . . .

You're selling a product based on video and yet you don't have a video in your sales copy.

You have a link to some samples that is not really obvious.

Have you thought about embedding video??

[Jon Steel]

That is what I was thinking...if they can't touch it an feel it - they at least need to see it...

[Craig Dawber]

Thanks djenyns and Jon for your feedback,

With regards to a video, I'm going to add a
promo video at the top after the main headline
which will explain what I'm selling.

I agree the copy still isn't very good and needs
some work but I came to a bit of a road block
with it so I'm hoping to hire a decent copywriter
to re-write the copy with some of the profits
after the launch....

....not ideal I know but my budget has run out
fast, I have to plan for future monthly video
series and get everything ready, hopefully
members will stay long term when they see just
how good the quality is.

I'm proud of the quality of the videos and
marketing pack that Ill be delivering to
members each month and I think that will
show through.

Thanks again

Craig

[rxdavis]

Craig,


I actually think this is a great idea, and likely a great product. There are a couple of places where you still Need to edit. The most important is below: You need the word BE after You Could in the first line. This could easily send me packing cuz you would lose credibility right off the bat.

Just 14 Days From Now, You Could Cranking Out Grade "A",
Killer Video Promotions Right There On Your PC. Risk Free
AND Worthy of Hollywood's Best!


I wish you the best though. You should be able to fill your membership if you deliver quality products as you say.

Best of luck.

[rxdavis]

Craig,


One more fatal credibility issue. You say (pasted from site below) that it would cost $343.34, and I would get 10 videos, so I would save $6866.81. Unless I am missing something, I would only be saving $3433.40.





$343.34 and as a member you'll be getting 10 of them, which means to produce this yourself would cost a whopping $6866.81


Hope this helps.

Rob

[Craig Dawber]

Originally Posted by rxdavis

Craig,

One more fatal credibility issue. You say (pasted from site below) that it would cost $343.34, and I would get 10 videos, so I would save $6866.81. Unless I am missing something, I would only be saving $3433.40.

$343.34 and as a member you'll be getting 10 of them, which means to produce this yourself would cost a whopping $6866.81

Hope this helps.

Rob

Hey Rob,

Thanks for the heads up on my errors.

With regards to the quote above, each video series consists of between 10 and 20 videos so
20 videos at $343.34 = 6866.81 .... BUT your right it isn't clear and needs to be changed.

Thanks again for your comments.

Craig