Writing my first ever sales letter - please help~!

[Asher]

Hello,

I am writing my first ever sales letter offering a video
conversion service and I'd like to hear your thoughts
about it!

I'm still writing it so... any suggestions would be
greatly appreciated!

PS -- I'm new to writing copy... so, be gentle

Here's the link (didn't want to fill up this section of
the forum with the whole letter):
http://www.warriorforum.com/test-for...r-service.html

What do you think? I'm still writing it and saving
changes as I go along.

Edit: Please help - I would sincerely appreciate it!

Asher

[Asher]

Oh yes, I just saw the sticky thread...

Please

I don't know if this will actually pull off well, I'll be posting
this thread into the Warriors for Hire instead of the WSO.

I'm gonna turn in for now, it's 3:20AM and I got to get to
a meeting in a few hours.

Asher

[procopywriter]

There are a lot of things "wrong" with this sales letter. I put "wrong" in quotes because ultimately it's not a matter of right and wrong... it's what the prospect is actually going to read, connect with, and respond to.

A few quick words about the headline...

The headline is vague, non-specific, repetitive, and sounds like any other over-the-top big benefit headline.

I'm afraid the "Who Else" formula is way overused these days--particularly in the IM market. That's not to say it couldn't work--I know it's a proven formula. But if it is going to work, it needs to be part of a strong, unique headline.

The headline says "Double/Triple Profits.... Increase Profit By 45%." This is repetitive and self-contradictory. You've just lost believability and interest in one fell swoop.

But your problem is even more fundamental...

Since this is related to video, keep in mind that your ideal prospect will ALREADY be looking for video help. So don't make it a "blind" headline. The mistake many marketers make is trying to convince the reader he should be a prospect, when you need to target those who are already prospects.

In other words, if you're selling a quit-smoking product, your prospect is not the smoker... it is the smoker who desperately wants to quit. So you don't need to waste your time trying to convince smokers why they should quit. You can never create desire where none exists.

Rewrite this letter for the person who is looking for video help. Then explain why you're the ONLY VIABLE OPTION. (Have a strong unique selling proposition.)

Aaron

[Asher]

Hi Aaron, thanks for your insights! I'm working on it
right now...

Originally Posted by procopywriter

A few quick words about the headline...

The headline is vague, non-specific, repetitive, and sounds like any other over-the-top big benefit headline.

I'm afraid the "Who Else" formula is way overused these days--particularly in the IM market. That's not to say it couldn't work--I know it's a proven formula. But if it is going to work, it needs to be part of a strong, unique headline.

I agree - I went with the "safe" and proven headline of
the "Who Else" formula but since this is the Warrior
Forum, people are more jaded here so a different headline
might be in order.

I came up with some more headlines but I'm sure that there's
a lot more that I can do with it... which headlines do you think
is good enough to be used?

Originally Posted by procopywriter

Since this is related to video, keep in mind that your ideal prospect will ALREADY be looking for video help. So don't make it a "blind" headline. The mistake many marketers make is trying to convince the reader he should be a prospect, when you need to target those who are already prospects.

Thank you very much - yes, that's what I was looking for.
I'm targeting people who already know that they need to
be using videos but I'm not sure how I could have worded
it in such a way to get them to consider my service
without getting into the technical details (which I know
isn't that interesting until later on in the project).

Originally Posted by procopywriter

Rewrite this letter for the person who is looking for video help. Then explain why you're the ONLY VIABLE OPTION. (Have a strong unique selling proposition.)

Alright, I'll have to rewrite this letter. Thanks for willing to
help out! Appreciate it lots. Any further thoughts?

EDIT: I have updated the letter. I think it's a little bit better
now... but again, I'll need your point of view. Thanks in
advance!

Asher

[MikeHumphreys]

Hi Asher,

Got your PM. Aaron gave you some solid advice which I'll add to it.

When a lot of marketers sit down to write their first ever sales letter, they try to use some of the advanced headline tactics that they seen done elsewhere. The problem is, they are easy to mess up.

For example, if you are going to ask a question in your sales letter, you need to be darn sure your copy can predict their answer and it's the answer you want. It doesn't matter if the question is asked in the body copy or in the headline, you still need to control the reader's direction... and that direction is through the sales letter towards the order button (or opt-in form).

A bad headline question is open-ended... like asking "Are you tall?"

A good headline question is close-ended... it's literally an obvious answer like asking a marketer "Do you want to make more money?"

Keep your headlines simple. Take your biggest benefit and drive it home. A headline with more than one benefit are harder to write and easier to mess up.

Again, it's better to use a merely okay or good headline than a bad written one. That's not a cliche... it's part of the advice I give people in my Sales Letter CPR course.

Okay, moving on. Your salutation needs to be simpler which will make it stronger. Stick with 'Dear Warrior' or 'Dear Fellow Warrior'. Using 'Friend' sounds dishonest because chances are, the person reading it probably doesn't know you and would not consider you to be their friend (especially in the traditional sense of friendship).

Keep your copy straight-forward, honest and to the point. Overhyping will set off your prospects B.S. detectors which guarantees you won't make the sale.

Hope that helps,

Mike

[Asher]

Hi Mike, thanks for coming to the rescue!

Originally Posted by MikeHumphreys

Keep your headlines simple. Take your biggest benefit and drive it home. A headline with more than one benefit are harder to write and easier to mess up.

I see, that does make sense. I've written 5 more
headlines (and thrown away a few more) to come
up with this one:

Get Professional-Looking, Custom, Handmade Videos To Boost Your Profits At An Affordable Price!

How's that? I've got a few more in the test thread
but I think this fits the bill to what you are saying.
It's straight to the point and low on bull (I hope!)

Originally Posted by MikeHumphreys

Okay, moving on. Your salutation needs to be simpler which will make it stronger. Stick with 'Dear Warrior' or 'Dear Fellow Warrior'. Using 'Friend' sounds dishonest because chances are, the person reading it probably doesn't know you and would not consider you to be their friend (especially in the traditional sense of friendship).

Okay, that's easy to fix, thanks for pointing that
out!

Originally Posted by MikeHumphreys

Keep your copy straight-forward, honest and to the point. Overhyping will set off your prospects B.S. detectors which guarantees you won't make the sale.

I see - I don't know if you've read the sales letter
I've written yet but I do not know if there's an
overhype in the letter. I do believe that there
needs to be a little "amping" up so that it's easier
for the reader to get the benefits.

I'm definitely trying to keep the copy straight and
honest. Anything on the letter that sets off your
B.S. detector?

Many thanks for your insights! Appreciate it~

Here's the updated version: draft 2

Asher

[lenlatimer]

Both Mike and Joshua had great points - particularly the headline.
I noticed In your copy you had

"transform your existing ebook
into a video product with a professional voice-over artist"

You might work that into a headline.

[Raydal]

Dear Friend and fellow Warrior,

Are you already making money with your own information product
ebook and you want to increase your profits? Do you want to
break out of the 4-figure income and get to the next level?

I want to introduce to you a unique service which many top
experts are already using to make more money from the exact
same product -- I'm talking about transforming your ebook into
a video product.

How Much More Money Can You Make (Or Risk Leaving Behind)?

Let's do some numbers... the average price I've seen for
ebooks sold are about $27 - $47. If you simply transformed
that ebook into a video product, you can increase the price of
your product by 45% to $39 - $69 (or use the tested $37 - $67
pricing).

What if you decide to take the leap of faith and "push the
envelope" and sell it at double the price? TRIPLE? Yes, you
can command a much higher price by changing your simple ebook
into a video product.

So if you are already making $4,000 every single month, how
would a 45% increase of an extra $1,800 be to you? How do you
think that can change your business life and your personal
life?

Asher,

Your letter lacks SPECIFICITY and therefore it is less believable. You may
find this post helpful: Copywriting Tips And Tricks Tame Language Makes Tame Sales

Just look at the number of times you use the word "product" (I 'bolded' them).
You need to find other selling descriptions instead of just saying "product".

I don't want to repeat what I have already illustrated in that blog post
so read it and you may find it helpful.

-Ray Edwards

[fripmix]

Hi Asher,

I'll be honest, I don't understand why you are focusing so much on a written sales letter when your product is for video.

Wouldn't it be better to do a video sales letter (and in doing so demonstrate your service)?

Crystal

[Asher]

Originally Posted by fripmix

Hi Asher,

I'll be honest, I don't understand why you are focusing so much on a written sales letter when your product is for video.

Wouldn't it be better to do a video sales letter (and in doing so demonstrate your service)?

Crystal

Hi Crystal,

Your doubts are understandable. Firstly, I actually
want to do a written sales letter because if I can't
even do a proper written one, I probably won't be
able to do a good video sales letter.

Frank Kern & Co. are all expert marketers and they
are able to pull off video sales letters because
they've been doing it for so long -- it's in them
(at least that's what I believe to be).

Thanks for asking though

Asher

[MontelloMarketing]

I don't know Asher. But from that response I can tell he's very smart. Video is not "instead of" copy. It's just another way to deliver copy. Either way... it's got to be tight copy.

He'll do well.

[Asher]

Originally Posted by MontelloMarketing

I don't know Asher. But from that response I can tell he's very smart. Video is not "instead of" copy. It's just another way to deliver copy. Either way... it's got to be tight copy.

He'll do well.

Thank you very much, Vin. Appreciate the
compliment.

Asher

[Asher]

Originally Posted by Raydal

Asher,

Your letter lacks SPECIFICITY and therefore it is less believable. You may
find this post helpful: Copywriting Tips And Tricks Tame Language Makes Tame Sales

Just look at the number of times you use the word "product" (I 'bolded' them).
You need to find other selling descriptions instead of just saying "product".

I don't want to repeat what I have already illustrated in that blog post
so read it and you may find it helpful.

-Ray Edwards

Thank you very much Ray, I would never have seen that
if you didn't point it out. Thanks! Yes, I've changed that
and I've also gone through the whole salesletter to see
if there's anything I can make more specific.

Asher

[Asher]

Hi again,

I went through some of the copywriting material I
got and swiped some text from it and worked it
into the letter.

I must say... I love my guarantee now. My previous
guarantee was truly scary and uncomfortable for
me. But with this one, I'm happy with it.

So far, I think my sales letter is coming into shape!

Thanks for all the help!

Before I let it go wild, is there anything else that I
should work on?

I haven't got any responses on these yet:

• Bullet points
• Guarantee
• Sub-heads
• P.S's

I know that usually a critique like this would
cost a lot so I'm really thankful for any
response on these. Until the day I can write
my own copy or hire my own copywriter, I'll
be willing to take any help I can get!

Asher

[I Write Junk Mail]

Hi Asher,

I don't know what you did to get me to your sales letter (AdWords, text link, whatever), so I'm going to take it a face value. Let's start with your headline.

At first blush I'm thinking you're either a videographer looking for perhaps a wedding gig or maybe you'll take all my old VHS tapes and convert them to digital. And even that's a stretch because you've really left me clueless. You're forcing me to think and I don't want to do that. I'm barely literate as it is.

"Professional-looking" makes me feel like I'm settling for second best. "Professional" would be a better choice. "Handmade" doesn't cut it either. Quilts are hand-made (by grandmothers, with love).

In your subhead, you use the word "tweak." No. You're about to ask me to make a sea change in my thinking – leap from ebook to video. That's a bit more than mere tweak.

If you have proof "top experts are already using" this new video product, then why not lead with that? How about ...

"Top Marketers Agree – Converting eBooks Into Video Presentations Pushes Profits to the Max – Industry Insider Shows You How to Easily blahblahblah"

Onward ...

How much more money can I make? Here's where you get to sell me with solid stats. Proof! I see a pipe dream. Show me how I can double or even triple my price without scaring away my prospects.

And help me understand the technology. Is this like an audiobook, only in video? What if my ebook is all text? Why bother with the video? Just give me the audio. If there are graphs or other visuals, what happens to them when I view the video beyond your 640x480 resolution? Will they look all gnarly?

When you say you can only handle up to 10 products, I get the impression you're a small time operator. Give me some benefits of dealing with the "little guy" or nix any mention of that limitation.

Back to the beginning ...

Forget about all the power words you're going to use to mesmerize your audience. Start with some basics. Like what your product is, how it makes my life easier (the end user) and how I (the seller) can really profit from this. Know me. Know my needs. Know my customers. Know their needs. Write down all the ways your product will fulfill these needs. Than write your copy. And do that as if we were sitting together at a coffee shoppe on a glorious Saturday in May.

Be well,
Roger

[Asher]

Originally Posted by I Write Junk Mail

Hi Asher,

I don't know what you did to get me to your sales letter (AdWords, text link, whatever), so I'm going to take it a face value.

Hi Roger, thanks for your critique. If I read you correctly,
I get my prospects to read this salesletter by posting
it on the "Warriors for Hire" thread. I'll be targeting
existing information product ebook owners.

Originally Posted by I Write Junk Mail

"Professional-looking" makes me feel like I'm settling for second best. "Professional" would be a better choice. "Handmade" doesn't cut it either. Quilts are hand-made (by grandmothers, with love).

Thanks, I'll go for that "professional" instead of
professional-looking because well, I probably am still
not that confident in writing daring copy. And yes,
handmade might be a bit weird sounding but I'm using
that to state that they'll be made with care and
attention, like grandmothers with quilts (with love).

I don't use high-tech gadgetry (not yet).

Originally Posted by I Write Junk Mail

In your subhead, you use the word "tweak." No. You're about to ask me to make a sea change in my thinking – leap from ebook to video. That's a bit more than mere tweak.

I'm still trying to write a good subhead. Thanks for
pointing that out... I'll have to reword the tweak to
something else.

Originally Posted by I Write Junk Mail

If you have proof "top experts are already using" this new video product, then why not lead with that? How about ...

"Top Marketers Agree – Converting eBooks Into Video Presentations Pushes Profits to the Max – Industry Insider Shows You How to Easily blahblahblah"

Excellent point, I'll be using that (should I use names?
hrmm... better not).

Originally Posted by I Write Junk Mail

How much more money can I make? Here's where you get to sell me with solid stats. Proof! I see a pipe dream. Show me how I can double or even triple my price without scaring away my prospects.

I don't have any quotes or proof at the moment. Will
have to look around for it but yes, I know what you
mean by doubling or tripling the price without scaring
prospects.

That's why I used 45% for people who want to play
it safe and I stated that if they want to "push the
envelope", they could go double or triple their selling
price.

I am providing the service, but if they want to know
how they can double or triple their selling price w/o
scaring their prospects, then I would recommend
them a copywriter (or tell them to get back to their
original copywriter) because this is not in my field
of jurisdiction.

Originally Posted by I Write Junk Mail

And help me understand the technology. Is this like an audiobook, only in video? What if my ebook is all text? Why bother with the video? Just give me the audio. If there are graphs or other visuals, what happens to them when I view the video beyond your 640x480 resolution? Will they look all gnarly?

With regards to the technology, I didn't want to
confuse or scare away prospects by talking all
technical so I intentionally left out a lot of the
technical stuff.

I do believe that people are more likely to deal with
that in a private 1-on-1 setting - not in an open
salesletter where I could get them uncomfortable
and lose the sale. If they would want to know more
about the technical stuff, I do offer more information.

Yes, it's pretty much like an audiobook in video
format. I actually aim to give the audio together with
the video as a hidden bonus (not saying that very
obviously, just hinting it in the letter).

If there are any visuals in the video, yes, they'll
become gnarly. Because I'm not using a high tech
Flash video presentation yet. Video is a lossy format
and when stretched to big enough, anything can look
gnarly.

But again, I stated in parenthesis that this is the
default format. Other formats would be available only
on request - which would mean that they would have
to pay for it. But I would like to handle that kind of
discussion privately.

Originally Posted by I Write Junk Mail

When you say you can only handle up to 10 products, I get the impression you're a small time operator. Give me some benefits of dealing with the "little guy" or nix any mention of that limitation.

Oh, thanks for pointing that out! I had changed that
but apparently, my save didn't save. I recognize that
only having 10 slots will put a limit on me so I reworded
that to something else... but I forgot what I wrote so
I have to rethink that.

This is what I came up with:

• Projects are on a first come first served basis - be
  sure to get your slot in before someone else!

Originally Posted by I Write Junk Mail

Forget about all the power words you're going to use to mesmerize your audience. Start with some basics. Like what your product is, how it makes my life easier (the end user) and how I (the seller) can really profit from this. Know me. Know my needs. Know my customers. Know their needs. Write down all the ways your product will fulfill these needs. Than write your copy. And do that as if we were sitting together at a coffee shoppe on a glorious Saturday in May.

Be well,
Roger

Thank you very, very, very much for your critique
Roger. I'll definitely rethink about this and write down
all those things and insert those as bullet points
because I think I really need to up my bullets.

Those are the exact things that I need to insert in
the first part of my sales letter.

Take care, Roger!

Asher

[I Write Junk Mail]

Asher,

All these questions I asked ... they were not for my own edification. These are the questions I'm figuring will be dancing around in your prospect's head. If you agree, then you should address them in your letter.

Roger

[Asher]

Originally Posted by I Write Junk Mail

Asher,

All these questions I asked ... they were not for my own edification. These are the questions I'm figuring will be dancing around in your prospect's head. If you agree, then you should address them in your letter.

Roger

Yes, I recognize that Roger. I'm not saying that
anyone of them are not good, in fact, I'm very
thankful for your inputs. I'll just have to find the
middle ground to mix what you're trying to say
with what I'm trying to offer and what I'm doing.

I'll definitely be addressing them in my letter. I'll
just need more time to work them in

Asher

[tf8252]

Headline:
Don't say "Professional-Looking", say "Broadcast Quality"