Can someone tell me why my salesletter is not hitting 1% yet?

[empoweredh]

Hi Guys,

I have had my sales letter up for a couple of month's - now chugging away - but not doing brilliantly. I would love for a few of you more knowledgeable ones to have a look at what I am doing right... and what I am doing wrong. And please be brutaly honest! I am also looking to get another website up soon, so hopefully I can make a connection with someone who I can do business transaction with later on also

MUCH appreciated!
Duncan

[Cherilyn Woodhouse]

Okay, as both a copywriter and someone who has thyroid hormone resistance - I'm willing to bet your ultra-long headline is partially to blame for your bad conversion.

How can you take the primary benefits of your product (energy, weight loss, mental clarity, relief of aches and pains, improved metabolism, relief of digestive issues, etc. etc. with no side effects) and fit that into a shorter block of text?

Everything just gets lost in that big jumbled headline. I like what you did with the imagery underneath it, though - that made me want to read more. But if most people don't get to that part because they leave after getting 10 words into the headline, it isn't going to work very well for you.

I would be curious to know what your actual conversion rate is? We might be able to work something out along the lines of a rewrite, to help you get that higher!

- Cherilyn

P.S. As a side note, while your copy could use some improvement it does have some good basic elements there. It got me interested! I certainly wouldn't mind seeing a copy of your product.

[julesbrad]

I agree that the headline needs to be more of a knock-out blow rather than a 12 round boxing match.

I actually think the sales letter is really good.

One thing that is DEFINITELY missing is some reviews. This would help add credibility to your statements.
Cherilyn said above that she wouldn't mind seeing a copy - why not send a copy and ask for a review.
Send me a copy and I will do a review for you.

[empoweredh]

Thanks so much Cherilyn and Julesbrad for the feedback, really good points.

[icering87]

- My only comment is, you headline doesn't have a good rhythm, and it brings up a lot of questions for me . A more to the point line might be, "here's how my online profit..." or something along those lines

...like subhead= the quickest and easiest way to write profit pulling copy, headline = How my ( special name for your members for example profit platapuses) consistantly.....or...students...

profit system is so generic.

when you say "the quick and easy way your memeber do ___" are they doing something different than what you normally teach? Is it something you noticed in your forum, Something about the statement makes things unclear.

At best it's something to test...nothing crucial...

that's all I have to say...everything else looks good.

[Jon Steel]

Because your headline claims you are a" author, speaker, business coach, software developer and pretty darn good sales copywriter" - you are writing a check your squeeze page must cash! What I mean is that once you scream out you are an expert at copywriting - people INSTANTLY start criticizing your message and forget to really read it. I would take a good deal of the ego driven stuff out or at least put it towards the end. Focus more on the benefits up front - this is key!

[empoweredh]

Sorry John & icering87, I accidently had the wrong web address up when you looked at it, it was another site altogether.. have another look now if you can.
Thanks.

[procopywriter]

Yes... the headline is clunky, and you can't afford the headline to be clunky. You can get away with occasional clunkiness in the body, but the headline must flow.

That means you must be attuned to every word... how it "feels"... how it "sounds"... how it contributes to the rhythm and flow.

Let's look at it...

I'd stay away from "Amazing Discovery". It's somewhat worn out and sounds a bit archaic. Using it today smacks of hype. I'd be very careful about using this phrase.

"Melbourne Naturopath" gives me pause. It's awkward to see and read. "Naturopath" isn't exactly an everyday word. It "clutters" up the headline. It doesn't exactly "roll off the tounge", if you catch what I mean. I see what you're doing, but it doesn't quite fit--like a puzzle piece that won't quite go into place.

I think I'd avoid using the word "dead" in a health-related promotion! (Unless you're deliberately using it for impact.)

Then... you have a list of 4 things:
*life-sucking fatigue
*unsightly fat rolls
*aching muscles
*harmful drugs

Pick 3 of these. A list of 3 sounds better, feels better, has better rhythm, etc. Here's how you pick the 3 best: interview people with hypothyroidism and ask them to tell you the 3 worst things about it. Maybe give them a list of symtoms, etc.... and ask them to pick the 3 worst. This will give you invaluable insight into what they're going through, and will help you focus your headline toward their pain points.

Another thing... there are too many adjectives in this list. Adjectives will clutter up copy in a hurry. You can trim this down to something like this: "Say goodby to fat, fatigue, and aching muscles..."

Notice how it has more rhythm? And notice how it is ordered from short to long: fat (1 syllable), fatigue (2 syllables), and aching muscles (4 syllables). (Just a quick tip on rhythm.)

So... all that said, let's take a stab at a shorter more focused headline...

"If You Have Hypothyroidism, You Can Throw Away Your Pills And Say Goodbye To Fat, Fatigue, And Aching Muscles For Good!"

"Exciting New Discovery Makes It All Possible..."

See how this "flows" better?

Aaron

[empoweredh]

Thanks Joshua. GRATITUDE!

[searchnology]

Originally Posted by procopywriter

Yes... the headline is clunky, and you can't afford the headline to be clunky. You can get away with occasional clunkiness in the body, but the headline must flow.

That means you must be attuned to every word... how it "feels"... how it "sounds"... how it contributes to the rhythm and flow.

Let's look at it...

I'd stay away from "Amazing Discovery". It's somewhat worn out and sounds a bit archaic. Using it today smacks of hype. I'd be very careful about using this phrase.

"Melbourne Naturopath" gives me pause. It's awkward to see and read. "Naturopath" isn't exactly an everyday word. It "clutters" up the headline. It doesn't exactly "roll off the tounge", if you catch what I mean. I see what you're doing, but it doesn't quite fit--like a puzzle piece that won't quite go into place.

I think I'd avoid using the word "dead" in a health-related promotion! (Unless you're deliberately using it for impact.)

Then... you have a list of 4 things:
*life-sucking fatigue
*unsightly fat rolls
*aching muscles
*harmful drugs

Pick 3 of these. A list of 3 sounds better, feels better, has better rhythm, etc. Here's how you pick the 3 best: interview people with hypothyroidism and ask them to tell you the 3 worst things about it. Maybe give them a list of symtoms, etc.... and ask them to pick the 3 worst. This will give you invaluable insight into what they're going through, and will help you focus your headline toward their pain points.

Another thing... there are too many adjectives in this list. Adjectives will clutter up copy in a hurry. You can trim this down to something like this: "Say goodby to fat, fatigue, and aching muscles..."

Notice how it has more rhythm? And notice how it is ordered from short to long: fat (1 syllable), fatigue (2 syllables), and aching muscles (4 syllables). (Just a quick tip on rhythm.)

So... all that said, let's take a stab at a shorter more focused headline...

"If You Have Hypothyroidism, You Can Throw Away Your Pills And Say Goodbye To Fat, Fatigue, And Aching Muscles For Good!"

"Exciting New Discovery Makes It All Possible..."

See how this "flows" better?

Aaron

I am one to say that Joshua is a pure GENIUS!!

[mvt82969]

What is your website URL?

[BBryanB]

I found that when I started to address the problems that my clients wanted to have answered, instead of me lecturing them, I started to get more sales.

Learning this lesson took me more than 2 years and about 10 sites that were totally thrown out and re done, again and again.

Its corny but if you really believe, put in the time and effort, you will come out the other side.

Good luck
Bryan