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Free Headline Rewriting

by Chris Ramsey
65 replies
Work's been a bit slow lately, so I figured I'd throw my hand in at helping a few people who can't afford a copywriter.

Post your headlines for your landing pages, sales copy, or email subjects and I'll see about improving them so you get a higher retention rate.

Post 'em!
#headling #rewriting
  • Profile picture of the author Intrepreneur
    Here...

    TD { FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Black } Are You Sick Trying to Maintain A Fast, Long Living, Repair Free PC?

    Now You Can Speed Up Your PC for Good Within the Next 45 Mintues...
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    SEO, copywriting and backlinks service UK
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    • Profile picture of the author Chris Ramsey
      Originally Posted by Intrepreneur View Post

      Here...
      Are You Sick Trying to Maintain A Fast, Long Living, Repair Free PC?

      Now You Can Speed Up Your PC for Good Within the Next 45 Mintues...
      Discover How You Can Get Blazing Speed Out Of Any Computer... No Matter The Age!

      Supercharge Your PC In Less Than An Hour!

      How To Speed Up Your PC: The End Of The Line In Registry Cleaners

      Product Name Is The Last Registry Cleaner You'll Ever Need To Buy!

      Permanently Accelerate Your Computer By Up To 150%!

      Does Your Computer Run Too Slow? Speed Up Your PC By The #1 Recommended Registry Cleaner!

      These should get you off to a good start.
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  • Profile picture of the author julesbrad
    Only just launched, so do not actually know how the current headline works at this stage but always happy for help and advice

    "Give Me Just 1 Hour And I Will Give You The Muscular Toned Body You Have Always Wanted !"
    Signature
    101 Golf Lessons

    1 Hour Muscles - New Fitness/Bodybuilding Product - Looking for affiliates
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    • Profile picture of the author Chris Ramsey
      Originally Posted by julesbrad View Post

      Only just launched, so do not actually know how the current headline works at this stage but always happy for help and advice

      "Give Me Just 1 Hour And I Will Give You The Muscular Toned Body You Have Always Wanted !"
      Discover What Personal Trainers Will Never Tell You About Exploding Your Muscle Mass In Just Hours Instead Of Weeks!

      Hundreds have exploded their muscle mass this week using Product Name. Will you be the next?

      Do You Want The Secret To Bulging Biceps and Perfect Pecks?

      When The Pro's Want To Gain Muscle Mass, This Is What They Do

      Guaranteed To Visibly Build Your Muscle Mass In The Next 30 Days... Or I'll BUY You My Competition's Product!
      Signature
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  • Profile picture of the author Fabian Fuller
    TD { FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Black } "Once People Discover This Easy Yet Powerful New Way to Quickly Compile Their Growing Collections of eBooks and more, They'll Probably Wonder How They Ever Got Along Without It"
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    • Profile picture of the author Chris Ramsey
      Originally Posted by Fabian Fuller View Post

      "Once People Discover This Easy Yet Powerful New Way to Quickly Compile Their Growing Collections of eBooks and more, They'll Probably Wonder How They Ever Got Along Without It"
      Keep Your eBooks, Reports, and White Papers In Order! Stop Searching For Hours To Find That One PDF!

      Stop Losing Your Favorite eBooks - Keep Them In Order Without Spending Hours Organizing Your Folders!

      Find Exactly The eBook You're Looking For Right When You Want It!

      This was a bit harder to do. I'm not sure how huge of a market there is for something like this. I'd be interested to find out.
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  • Profile picture of the author maco
    Hi Scheda,
    Please revrite the hedline of my sqeeze page, please click on my signature.

    Thanks,
    Maco
    Signature

    Learn how to make friends

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    • Profile picture of the author Chris Ramsey
      Originally Posted by maco View Post

      Discover Our 10 Unbeatable Methods For Becoming An Irresistible Friends Magnet.
      Warning: You May Have To Get Bigger Patio For This Summer's Parties!
      Discover How I Went From A Low-Rent Loser To The Guy Who Throws The Best Parties In Town!

      Are You Looking To Make REAL Friends?

      Introducing Ten Simple Steps To Acing Any Social Situation And Making Friends Along The Way!

      Do You Make Any Of These 10 Friendship-Killing Mistakes?
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      • Profile picture of the author ccIowa
        Wow, you are good.

        How about this one...

        Why Play the Sales Numbers Game

        ... when you can take the guess work out of increasing sales

        ... and make it easy to sell your stuff
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        • Profile picture of the author Chris Ramsey
          Originally Posted by ccIowa View Post

          Wow, you are good.

          How about this one...

          Why Play the Sales Numbers Game

          ... when you can take the guess work out of increasing sales

          ... and make it easy to sell your stuff
          How To Spend Less Time Making Sales And More Time Relaxing!

          No More Hour-Long Sales Calls For Me - Yet I'm Selling More Product That Ever!

          What Everyone Should Know About The 1-Hour Sales Process!

          Four Types Of Salesmen - Which One Are You?

          How You Can Make A Fortune By Selling Less!
          Signature
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  • Profile picture of the author Chris Ramsey
    Originally Posted by Jon Steel View Post

    Market: Marketing, Advertising, and Copywriting People interested in how consumer psychology is used by experts...

    "Give Me 5 Minutes and I'll Tell You about 11 Powerful Mind Control Tactics that Leave Prospects Begging to Buy from You"
    Discover In The Next 4 Minutes and 37 Seconds How You Can Control Your Prospects Mind And Leave Them BEGGING To Buy From You! (Minor edit, but I like it)

    Discover 11 Foolproof Mind-Control Techniques Discovered By Harvard Professors (If True) That Will Have Your Prospects Eating Out Of The Palm Of Your Hand!

    How To Seduce Your Prospects And Explode Your Sales... The Easy Way!

    The Secret To Quick And Easy Prospect Seduction

    Why Other Salesmen Kick Your Ass At Conversions... And What You Can Do About It!
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  • Profile picture of the author brooks28
    "Discover The Secrets Of How a 28 Yr Old Ex Construction Worker Went From Zero To Hero By Earning More Than $3,287 From One Single Email Sent To His Super Responsive Mailing List!"
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    >> Copy My $200/day Affiliate List Method

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    • Profile picture of the author Chris Ramsey
      Originally Posted by brooks28 View Post

      "Discover The Secrets Of How a 28 Yr Old Ex Construction Worker Went From Zero To Hero By Earning More Than $3,287 From One Single Email Sent To His Super Responsive Mailing List!"
      Discover How One Email Grossed Over $3,287 In 24 Hours!

      I Made $3,287 From One Email... Wanna Learn How?

      Do You Have An Email List And STILL Not Making Money? See How I Made $3,287 From One Simple Email!

      How I Made $3,000+ From Just One Email... And How You Can Too!

      Are You Making This One Critical Mistake With Your Newsletter Subscribers?

      Why Most People Fail At Email Marketing

      When The Guru's Send Out Emails, This Is What They Do
      Signature
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    • Profile picture of the author Chris Ramsey
      Originally Posted by Onslaught View Post

      This is for a residential window cleaning business pushing their offer

      "Homeowner Stunned After Getting "New" Windows For $170!"
      Discover How One Homeowner Got "New" Windows For Her Entire Home For Less Than $200!

      Sparkling "New" Windows At Half The Price Of Our Competitors!

      Imagine Your Husband Walking Right Into The Glass Door Without Ever Seeing It... That's What Will Happen When Glass-Cleaners-R-Us Comes To Your Home!

      Discover The Secret To Permanently Smudge-Free Windows!
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      • Profile picture of the author coog
        here's one I'm working on right now:

        Why Should You Have To Work Your Tail End Off To Make Your Ebook Look Great? Just Load Up A Clean, Pre-Formatted Ebook Template And Turn Drab Into Dynamite!
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  • Profile picture of the author Steven Fullman
    "This Free Report Can Eliminate Your Crippling Gout Pain In 90 Minutes"

    Hey, dude. You're really good.

    Care to work your magic on this one?

    Cheers,
    Steve
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    Not promoting right now

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    • Profile picture of the author Chris Ramsey
      Originally Posted by Steven Fullman View Post

      "This Free Report Can Eliminate Your Crippling Gout Pain In 90 Minutes"

      Hey, dude. You're really good.

      Care to work your magic on this one?

      Cheers,
      Steve
      Imagine Your Gout Pain Melting Away In Minutes Instead Of Hours

      Getting Rid Of Your Gout Pain Has Never Been Easier!

      Crippling Gout Pain? Not Anymore!

      Instant Gout Pain Relief

      Since this is a huge 'I need relief now' niche, you should be able to put anything promising quick relief up (while reminding them of the excruciating pain they're in) and make it work. These should get you off on the right foot.
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  • Profile picture of the author PLRwithAlex
    I have two that I'm working with. Headlines are so important. I'm just starting to split test now. Any help is appreciated:

    Current:
    Create Your Own Internet Marketing Fortune with INSTANT ACCESS to the HOTTEST Private Label Rights Products on the Web!

    Possible:
    Top Marketing Gurus and Niche Specialists Have Given Us Instant Access to their Hottest Selling Products So YOU Can Cash In on Them and Keep 100% of the Profits You Make!

    Thanks for your help!

    Alex
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    • Profile picture of the author Chris Ramsey
      Originally Posted by PLRwithAlex View Post

      Create Your Own Internet Marketing Fortune with INSTANT ACCESS to the HOTTEST Private Label Rights Products on the Web!


      Top Marketing Gurus and Niche Specialists Have Given Us Instant Access to their Hottest Selling Products So YOU Can Cash In on Them and Keep 100% of the Profits You Make!
      Introducing... The Internet's Hottest Info Products - Now Available As PLR!

      Stop Wasting Time Making Your Own Products - Cash In On The Guru's Success!

      These PLR's Are So Good That A Top Marketing Guru Threatened To Put Me Out Of Business!

      Make Bank By Selling These Pre-Made Unique Information Products!

      The Select Few Who've Seen These PLR's Are BEGGING Me For Access
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      • Profile picture of the author PLRwithAlex
        Originally Posted by scheda View Post

        Introducing... The Internet's Hottest Info Products - Now Available As PLR!

        Stop Wasting Time Making Your Own Products - Cash In On The Guru's Success!

        These PLR's Are So Good That A Top Marketing Guru Threatened To Put Me Out Of Business!

        Make Bank By Selling These Pre-Made Unique Information Products!

        The Select Few Who've Seen These PLR's Are BEGGING Me For Access
        Scheda,

        Thanks!

        Alex
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  • Profile picture of the author Daniel Scott
    Whilst these headlines aren't bad... remember that a killer headline often is specific to your product.

    Copywriters spend hours upon hours getting into the "head" of your target market, learning your offer from the inside out and crafting a USP and HOOK that drives your customers to buy.

    THEN, keeping those things in the front of their mind, they spend hours crafting a KILLER headline.

    Some of these headlines are pretty sexy... some perhaps a little too "generic" to have any real impact.

    I'm not trying to crap all over what Scheda is doing... but I thought this was a good point to share this little tidbit that I have learned with the rest of you, particularly as some of you mentioned headlines give you trouble.

    -Dan

    -Dan
    Signature

    Always looking for badass direct-response copywriters. PM me if we don't know each other and you're looking for work.

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    • Profile picture of the author Chris Ramsey
      Originally Posted by Daniel Scott View Post

      Whilst these headlines aren't bad... remember that a killer headline often is specific to your product.

      Copywriters spend hours upon hours getting into the "head" of your target market, learning your offer from the inside out and crafting a USP and HOOK that drives your customers to buy.

      THEN, keeping those things in the front of their mind, they spend hours crafting a KILLER headline.

      Some of these headlines are pretty sexy... some perhaps a little too "generic" to have any real impact.

      I'm not trying to crap all over what Scheda is doing... but I thought this was a good point to share this little tidbit that I have learned with the rest of you, particularly as some of you mentioned headlines give you trouble.

      -Dan

      -Dan
      Daniel is right. While these are good headlines... they're generic. Without getting handsy with a project, a headline can't be written that really pushes the best benefits on the consumer.
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  • Profile picture of the author MyOnlineSuccess
    There's some nice headline in there. You definitely have it dude!

    Lesson to learn:
    Add emotion to your headlines
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  • Profile picture of the author Uncle Dimitry
    Become The Ruler Of Your Own
    Cash Producing Blog Empire
    With Just A Few Clicks”
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    Udimi.com - buy solos
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  • Profile picture of the author PetraW
    "Discover how to put an end to your frustration and confusion, get focused and start making money from other peoples products"
    You can see it live here. I am trying to sell my ebook on creating a niche blog and selling affiliate products on it. Pretty bad headline, huh?
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    Petra's Internet Marketing Blog
    Healthy Diet Weight Loss
    Mens Wrist Watches
    Beach Decor
    Best Teeth Whitening System
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  • Profile picture of the author vinhha
    Hi,

    Starting a new online company that provides nightclub flyer designs to club owners or promoters. In the process of hiring someone affordable since this is only me running this site and profit is not expected to be huge. But I like a nice site with copywrite for SEO and customer retention.

    Been researching and ran into your offer. So let's do this!

    This is what I came up as a header

    YOUR EVENTS - OUR DESIGNS - AN AMAZING FLYER!

    Can you do better? Check out dilicious dot ca to see a sample of target audience and look of my new site not yet built.

    Email me at dvha31 at yahoo dot com with the results if you can.

    Thanks a bunch! You rock!
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  • Profile picture of the author BenQ
    I want to reverse the line below but can't quite get it right.
    "Separate yourself from the 95% of losers, take advantage of my knowledge, and read this report today!"
    Instead, I'd like to say something like "separate yourself and join the 5% of winners, etc." but I can't work out a smooth sentence flow. Any help is appreciated.
    Maybe this:
    "Separate yourself from the losers and join the 5% of winners by taking advantage of my knowledge and reading this report TODAY!"
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  • Profile picture of the author Vanquish
    You are really good, can you rewrite mine too please

    Learn the secrets of attraction that will show you exactly how to create uncontrollable attraction in any women, so much that she wants to have amazing sex with you despite your looks, age and income.
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    Nothing to sell, only value to give and new knowledge to learn.
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  • Profile picture of the author Uncle Dimitry
    Become The Ruler Of Your Own
    Cash Producing Blog Empire
    With Just A Few Clicks"
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    Udimi.com - buy solos
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  • Profile picture of the author gjabiz
    Originally Posted by scheda View Post

    Work's been a bit slow lately, so I figured I'd throw my hand in at helping a few people who can't afford a copywriter.

    Post your headlines for your landing pages, sales copy, or email subjects and I'll see about improving them so you get a higher retention rate.

    Post 'em!
    Here's one: How to Write Simple Books That People Buy (Headline)
    (subhead or prehead): Unknown author collects royalties on simple 160 page book with sales of over 1.8 million copies and retires to 65 acre retreat. Who's next?

    Story: blah blah blah

    Target market: Writers, ebook writers, book writers.

    Thanks so much for your time and energy, it is appreciated.

    gjabiz
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    • Profile picture of the author Chris Ramsey
      Originally Posted by gjabiz View Post

      Here's one: How to Write Simple Books That People Buy (Headline)
      (subhead or prehead): Unknown author collects royalties on simple 160 page book with sales of over 1.8 million copies and retires to 65 acre retreat. Who's next?

      Story: blah blah blah

      Target market: Writers, ebook writers, book writers.

      Thanks so much for your time and energy, it is appreciated.

      gjabiz
      Introducing... The Secret To Creating A Best-Selling Book On Your First Shot

      Discover How One Formerly Unknown Author Sold 1.8 Million Copies Of His Very First Book!

      Are You Writing A Book? Do You Want It To Be A Best Seller? Then You've GOT To Keep Reading!
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  • Profile picture of the author AnneE
    Avoid Costly Mistakes and Invest with Confidence - Compare and Contrast Expert Forex Advice

    Description... guide contains interviews with five forex trainers/authors about how to spot a scam, how quickly can one learn to trade forex profitably, and other common questions.
    The report is NOT an investment advice book to help you place trades, instead it will allow you to steer clear of scams and plan an investment strategy that meets your needs and goals.

    A super big thanks for offering this headline rewrite service. I'm impressed with the headlines above. I understand people's points about the very best headlines are written with specific product understanding... but these are pretty damn good and clearly better than a lot of what many of us are using.

    And, can we ask for a second headline on another topic?? Or is this one per customer?
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    • Profile picture of the author Chris Ramsey
      Originally Posted by AnneE View Post

      And, can we ask for a second headline on another topic?? Or is this one per customer?
      It's first-come-first-serve.

      I'm doing this in my spare time and as I've gotten pretty busy since I posted this thread, I'm picking and choosing headlines. So you're welcome to post as many as you like, but I can't guarantee I'll be able to get to each and every one of them.
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      • Profile picture of the author lharding
        Originally Posted by scheda View Post

        It's first-come-first-serve.

        I'm doing this in my spare time and as I've gotten pretty busy since I posted this thread, I'm picking and choosing headlines. So you're welcome to post as many as you like, but I can't guarantee I'll be able to get to each and every one of them.
        Hey scheda,

        Are you OK with anyone using the headlines you've posted here. With some changes I could use one or two.

        Cheers, Lee
        Signature
        Lee Harding
        The Architect
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  • Profile picture of the author Revolves
    "Host A Party Guests' Will Never Forget!"

    I know that headline sucks, but that is what I actually "want to say". But I think I can take your help to spice it up.

    Thanks for your time man! This thread has been very educational in a sense.
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  • Profile picture of the author Star Riley
    Let our easy blog engine transform your blog headache into blog success over night!
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  • Profile picture of the author senve
    Banned
    [DELETED]
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  • Profile picture of the author ragnartm
    -(Discover How You Can Create Squeeze Pages That Generate Subscribers Like "Magic"!)-
    -(Discover How You Can Create Squeeze Pages That Suck In Leads & Buyers Before You Can Say "Profit"! )-
    This is for my squeeze page. With the current design,the headline needs to take up at least this much space.
    I also have some more humorous ones that I'm testing.

    Thanks in advance
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    Ragnar.

    Quality over quantity. Hire me to write highly shareable, user focused blog posts or articles.

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  • Profile picture of the author multimastery
    Hey I just want to say you write some great headlines. I can't think of one to submit right now but will revisit this thread if i do.
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    Fake Traffic Warning!
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  • Profile picture of the author barakos9
    Don't Let Disaster Hijack Your Wedding Day
    My wedding planner left me twisting in the wind! Don't let it happen to you..

    P.S :
    I'm getting %95 bounce rate...I guess the header and the sub header are really lousy.
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    בנית אתרים
    עיצוב לוגו
    בנית אתר
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  • Profile picture of the author Mr McDonald
    Hi,

    Your headlines have been working great thank you!
    If you have some time could you jazz these 2 up for me?

    "Here It Is My Massive Birthday Giveaway Has Gone Live"

    "Last Few Massive Birthday Giveaway Gifts Are Yours Today"

    Regards
    Gavin
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    This is A Little Weird But It Will Get You A Flood Of Targeted Free Traffic On Autopilot.
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    • Profile picture of the author BrianMcLeod
      Originally Posted by Mr McDonald View Post

      Hi,

      Your headlines have been working great thank you!
      If you have some time could you jazz these 2 up for me?

      "Here It Is My Massive Birthday Giveaway Has Gone Live"

      "Last Few Massive Birthday Giveaway Gifts Are Yours Today"

      Regards
      Gavin
      Gavin (and everyone else by proxy),

      Here's a novel idea, since his last headlines are "working great" for you...

      How about you HIRE Chris?

      Worried that you can't afford him? Make him an offer!

      The worst that can happen is he can't do it and says, "Sorry, but no thanks..."

      On the other hand, you might gain a new business partner with the marketing skill you need to succeed.

      At least bring something back to the table for the guy besides an empty plate asking for seconds... Sheesh.

      Best,

      Brian
      Signature
      Brian McLeod
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  • Profile picture of the author Chris Ramsey
    Hey Brian,

    Thanks for the post. I'll gladly have someone else pimping my services

    If you're worried about cost, I am open to percentage deals. Just depends on the project, the owner, and a million other things. PM me if you want info.

    My internet's been down for the past few days, so I've got a lot of catching up to do. I'll try to find some time to work on some of these headlines.
    Signature
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  • Profile picture of the author Kelpsi Media
    Its a very good job being done dude. soon i would like to come up with my idea. I need your help.
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  • Profile picture of the author RentItNow
    "Property Rental Expert reveals easy to apply 'house for rent' secrets guaranteed to help rent your property FAST...and with competition-killing confidence!"

    HowToRentYourHouseNow.com
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    I have no agenda but to help those in the same situation. This I feel will pay the bills.
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    • Profile picture of the author Chris Ramsey
      Originally Posted by RentItNow View Post

      "Property Rental Expert reveals easy to apply 'house for rent' secrets guaranteed to help rent your property FAST... and with competition-killing confidence!"
      Discover How Property Rental Expert's Fill Their Homes With Ideal Tenants In Less Than 30 Days!

      Having Trouble Renting Our Your Home?

      Rent Your Home The Easy Way With These Expert's House Rental Secrets!
      Signature
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  • Profile picture of the author love2Code
    Thanks for helping people with your generous offer. Would you please help me with following heading. Thanks

    "Do You Want a Digital Product Delivery System that Fully Automates & Protects Sales and Downloads for Google and PayPal Transactions?"
    Signature
    Automatically visualize your data using Amazon QuickSight
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    • Profile picture of the author Chris Ramsey
      Originally Posted by love2Code View Post

      Thanks for helping people with your generous offer. Would you please help me with following heading. Thanks

      "Do You Want a Digital Product Delivery System that Fully Automates & Protects Sales and Downloads for Google and PayPal Transactions?"
      Finally... The easy way to protect your downloadable products!

      Now Introducing... The Easiest Way To Deliver Digital Products While Keeping The Download Link Secure!

      Discover How To Effortlessly Protect, Automate, and Deliver All Your Digital Products!

      These should get you off to a good start. Take the time to analyze what's important to your customers, then write a headline that focus's on that.
      Signature
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  • Profile picture of the author love2Code
    Hello Chris,
    Thanks for helping me out with the headline. Would you be able to help me out with my sales copy found in my signature website? I have a small budget, not sure how much I will be able to pay. But please take a look and PM me if you could. Thanks
    Signature
    Automatically visualize your data using Amazon QuickSight
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  • Profile picture of the author redfc
    Hello Chris,

    Would you help me out on this please,

    Sub headlines on top:

    Tired of commuting to work everyday, boring daily routine, meeting deadline and attending endless meeting

    Lead capture here:

    "Who Else Wants A Proven System To Help You Quit Your Day Job For Good?"

    my site is at moneynsense

    Thanks
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    • Profile picture of the author Chris Ramsey
      Originally Posted by redfc View Post

      Hello Chris,

      Would you help me out on this please,

      Sub headlines on top:

      Tired of commuting to work everyday, boring daily routine, meeting deadline and attending endless meeting

      Lead capture here:

      "Who Else Wants A Proven System To Help You Quit Your Day Job For Good?"

      my site is at moneynsense

      Thanks
      I just took a look at your squeeze page... and it's going to need more than just a new headline to make it work.

      For starters...
      • The headline needs to be AT THE TOP of the page, not below the fold like it is now
      • The headline needs to be smaller and not take up the entire screen for those with small screens
      • Your sales page and squeeze page need to be completely separated
      • Your button to subscribe should look like a button - As saavy as I am, I was confused about what to click

      There's a lot of work to be done, but you obviously have a knack for writing, so you'll get it where it needs to be. You may just need someone to show you the way.
      Signature
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      • Profile picture of the author redfc
        Hi Chris,

        Really appreciate your advise, I'll work on page again.

        And thank you.

        cheers
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  • Profile picture of the author smithy100
    Banned
    Hi can you suggest something to replace this
    "Getting Nowhere With Your eBay Business? Discover How Simple Changes And The Right Tools Can Be The Difference Between Success and Failure"
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  • Profile picture of the author Kevin Birch
    hiya- if this offer is still open:

    "The Ultimate Lazy Man's Backlink Machine - How To Get 1488 Backlinks In 180 Days, With Hardly Lifting a Finger"

    Many thanks
    Signature
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  • Profile picture of the author thegoddessofeleven
    Oh, what fun! I LOVE posts like this....!!! How 'bout this one:

    You're About to Learn The Secrets Of Harnessing Solar and Wind Energy That Most People Will Never Know!
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    Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy, and good with ketchup.

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  • Profile picture of the author doc_web
    Hey Chris

    You are doing a great job here, helping out or free.

    Can I request you to take a look at my squeeze page and critique its headline.

    its located it Successful Gurus


    or the headline is as follows

    "Free Video
    uncovers the ultra secret strategy that helped Gurus make Millions Last Year..."

    Thanks in advance Chris

    Deepak
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