which sounds better?

Vanquish · 05-31-2009, 08:30 AM

hey everyone i need your input on which of the following two sounds better

the missing link between you and success online or

the missing link between you and your success online?

Sometimes i think the your makes more sense gramatically but other times i tihnk it is use a word that can be cut down to make the sentence more optimal, which sounds better to you?

JakeRhodes · 05-31-2009, 10:10 AM

How about a slight change of the first option to make it more gramatically correct?

"The missing link between you and online success!"

Alexa Smith · 05-31-2009, 10:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JakeRhodes

How about a slight change of the first option to make it more gramatically correct?

"The missing link between you and online success!"

I much prefer this. Well spotted.

Anomaly1974 · 05-31-2009, 10:27 AM

Wow! Just so you know I did not see this beforehand. I actually just posted a request to have my sales copy critique and the copy for my ad (Not my sales page) is strikingly similar.

My first reaction was to invert online success to "your success online" but Jake's suggestion looks pretty good too.

CopperCopy · 05-31-2009, 12:10 PM

Although I agree with making it grammatically correct, I don't agree necessarily with Jake's revision.

Jake's revision: "The missing link between you and online success!"

I believe that you should add in the word "your" to make it more personal for the reader.

"The Missing Link Between You and Your Online Success:"

Online Success is not specific, or personal enough.

Anyone can have "online success" or "online failure" but it's different when you're talking about "your online success" or "your online failure."

I want to know how YOU are going to help ME with MY online success.

By making the heading more personal, I believe that you can hook the reader more effectively. So, with the grammatical change in mind, I would indeed include the extra "your" in your headline.

So what is this missing link, anyways?

procopywriter · 05-31-2009, 03:42 PM

CopperCopy provided the best revision in terms of flow and intimacy.

However, the word "success" is so general. What is it, exactly? It's sort of a vague concept that's always out in the future someplace. There's not a lot of emotional resonance with that word.

If this is to be a headline, you need to work on it to create a deeper, more emotional connection.

"Missing Link". What missing link? How is it affecting me not knowing about it?

Communicate specifics while making an emotional connection. That's the key. Once you have the concept... THEN work on polishing the rhythm and flow.

Vanquish · 05-31-2009, 05:32 PM

wow thanks everyone for the replies especially CoperCopy that was an awesome explaination, im not actually using this for a headline its just gonna be the subtitle of my book, would u guys say it is good for a book subtitle

Jon Steel · 06-01-2009, 02:56 AM

"The missing link between you and online success!"

Harry Behrens · 06-01-2009, 06:49 AM

I agree with CopperCopy. The word you/your is never an "extra" word... it's what the headline needs to be about. The more personal you can make it, the better.

whereizzi · 06-01-2009, 07:18 AM

One of my favorite techniques for testing copy is to read it out loud.

That helps the rhythm and flow, finds words I don't know... and tightens up phrases that ramble.

Although...

"Grammatically correct" isn't necessarily the first qualification I'd go for, as much as "not grammatically offensive". Depends on the audience you're trying to reach. Speaking the words in their head beats correct words on a page every time.

Having said that, "The missing link between you and online success" has a better rhythm than the more directly personalized "The missing link between you and your online success". I think most readers are still sub-vocalizing the first 'you' as they're reading 'online success', making the connection sub-consciously even as they're putting the words together into an idea.

Any chance of split-testing this for a quick read on your audience's preference?

CopperCopy · 06-01-2009, 10:09 AM

To answer your question, I think this could make an interesting subtitle to a book. It's potentially catchy, and engaging. Especially if your title is what is the missing link.

i.e.

Captain Crunch and Baseball Cards
The Missing Link Between You and Your Online Success

05-31-2009, 08:30 AM	#1
Vanquish Karl Thomas War Room Member Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: Toronto Posts: 754 Thanks: 169 Thanked 69 Times in 54 Posts Contact Info	which sounds better? hey everyone i need your input on which of the following two sounds better the missing link between you and success online or the missing link between you and your success online? Sometimes i think the your makes more sense gramatically but other times i tihnk it is use a word that can be cut down to make the sentence more optimal, which sounds better to you?

05-31-2009, 10:10 AM	#2
JakeRhodes HyperActive Warrior War Room Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: UK Posts: 188 Blog Entries: 8 Thanks: 2 Thanked 42 Times in 15 Posts Social Networking	Re: which sounds better? How about a slight change of the first option to make it more gramatically correct? "The missing link between you and online success!"
	Hypnosis \| Meditation \| UK Game Deals

05-31-2009, 10:27 AM	#4
Anomaly1974 Always the Write Way! Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: American Expat in the Philippines. Posts: 1,193 Thanks: 45 Thanked 26 Times in 24 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: which sounds better? Wow! Just so you know I did not see this beforehand. I actually just posted a request to have my sales copy critique and the copy for my ad (Not my sales page) is strikingly similar. My first reaction was to invert online success to "your success online" but Jake's suggestion looks pretty good too.
	This siggy is temporarily absent as it recovers from its vacation! If you need the services of this siggy in the meantime, please contact its owner.

05-31-2009, 12:10 PM	#5
CopperCopy Highly Conductive Writing Join Date: May 2009 Posts: 33 Thanks: 7 Thanked 7 Times in 6 Posts	Re: which sounds better? Although I agree with making it grammatically correct, I don't agree necessarily with Jake's revision. Jake's revision: "The missing link between you and online success!" I believe that you should add in the word "your" to make it more personal for the reader. "The Missing Link Between You and Your Online Success:" Online Success is not specific, or personal enough. Anyone can have "online success" or "online failure" but it's different when you're talking about "your online success" or "your online failure." I want to know how YOU are going to help ME with MY online success. By making the heading more personal, I believe that you can hook the reader more effectively. So, with the grammatical change in mind, I would indeed include the extra "your" in your headline. So what is this missing link, anyways?

05-31-2009, 03:42 PM	#6
procopywriter Joshua Aaron Stanley Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: Redondo Beach, CA Posts: 137 Thanks: 1 Thanked 34 Times in 30 Posts Social Networking	Re: which sounds better? CopperCopy provided the best revision in terms of flow and intimacy. However, the word "success" is so general. What is it, exactly? It's sort of a vague concept that's always out in the future someplace. There's not a lot of emotional resonance with that word. If this is to be a headline, you need to work on it to create a deeper, more emotional connection. "Missing Link". What missing link? How is it affecting me not knowing about it? Communicate specifics while making an emotional connection. That's the key. Once you have the concept... THEN work on polishing the rhythm and flow.
	Joshua Aaron Stanley, The 'Spiritual' Copywriter: Breakthrough Response Rates Without The Hype Free eBook & Blog: Spiritual Copy

05-31-2009, 05:32 PM	#7
Vanquish Karl Thomas War Room Member Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: Toronto Posts: 754 Thanks: 169 Thanked 69 Times in 54 Posts Contact Info	Re: which sounds better? wow thanks everyone for the replies especially CoperCopy that was an awesome explaination, im not actually using this for a headline its just gonna be the subtitle of my book, would u guys say it is good for a book subtitle

06-01-2009, 02:56 AM	#8
Jon Steel HyperActive Warrior War Room Member Join Date: May 2009 Location: Okinawa, Japan Posts: 440 Thanks: 68 Thanked 33 Times in 33 Posts	Re: which sounds better? "The missing link between you and online success!"

06-01-2009, 06:49 AM	#9
Harry Behrens HyperActive Warrior Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Caracas, Venezuela Posts: 306 Thanks: 118 Thanked 167 Times in 69 Posts Contact Info	Re: which sounds better? I agree with CopperCopy. The word you/your is never an "extra" word... it's what the headline needs to be about. The more personal you can make it, the better.
	- Harry Behrens

06-01-2009, 07:18 AM	#10
whereizzi Active Warrior Join Date: May 2009 Location: near Toronto, Canada Posts: 64 Thanks: 13 Thanked 13 Times in 12 Posts Social Networking	Re: which sounds better? One of my favorite techniques for testing copy is to read it out loud. That helps the rhythm and flow, finds words I don't know... and tightens up phrases that ramble. Although... "Grammatically correct" isn't necessarily the first qualification I'd go for, as much as "not grammatically offensive". Depends on the audience you're trying to reach. Speaking the words in their head beats correct words on a page every time. Having said that, "The missing link between you and online success" has a better rhythm than the more directly personalized "The missing link between you and your online success". I think most readers are still sub-vocalizing the first 'you' as they're reading 'online success', making the connection sub-consciously even as they're putting the words together into an idea. Any chance of split-testing this for a quick read on your audience's preference?
	Copywriter and SEO Fanatic

06-01-2009, 10:09 AM	#11
CopperCopy Highly Conductive Writing Join Date: May 2009 Posts: 33 Thanks: 7 Thanked 7 Times in 6 Posts	Re: which sounds better? To answer your question, I think this could make an interesting subtitle to a book. It's potentially catchy, and engaging. Especially if your title is what is the missing link. i.e. Captain Crunch and Baseball Cards The Missing Link Between You and Your Online Success