Can someone give me some feedback?

[Bkv1182]

I am kinda new to creating my own landing pages and I was wondering if I can get some input?

the page I would like you to look at is
Weight Loss Home-Fast Weight Loss Diet Plans

thanks


bryan

[MontelloMarketing]

IMO... less is more in this case. Shorten your page to one screen, no scrolling. Use less copy. Get them to WL4I asap. It's a sales page you really have to throw a lot of traffic at to make any money.

A lot of new affiliates see how much money it makes and they sign up to sell it. But they don't know the reason it makes so much is there is a ton of traffic thrown at it. It's basically a war of numbers.

Also a couple things you might want to work on. The word "your" is incorrect. You meant to write "you're."

And your before and after pic is a fraud. Don't know if it's yours or WL4I's but I'd lose it. The woman is obviously holding a bottle of pills in the pics. She took her pics to show she was taking a diet pill... not following WL4I.

In fact, if that pic is from their site, I wouldn't be an affiliate at all.

[CopperCopy]

bkv1182,

Here are a few suggestions to get you started.

1) Your main headline is

"Warning: After Reading This You May Begin To Lose Weight So Fast Your Friends And Family Won't Recognize You."


While I understand your intention is to show that your product is going to do wonders for the reader's weight loss goals, this headline might not be appropriate.

For one, when I read this literally, I think... Oh... My... God! I don't know if I want to lose weight so quickly that my own friends and family won't recognize me! How awful would it be for people to not recognize me? And if it really works that fast (as you say, after reading your sales page) I'm kind of scared to read on. I don't want to lose that much weight that quickly. it's just not healthy. I want to lose weight and look good.

While your intention is admirable, the headline is marred by the fact that it is over-promising. This is a critical error, because no-one will take your copy seriously if you over promise. Anyone with a middle school education knows that you can't lose weight as quickly as reading your sales letter.

Look for headlines of other top weight-loss sales letters to get an idea of what a strong headline should be like. Make a list of your favorite ones and see why they are effective. Then, take a look at which ones are your favorite, and model your headline off of it.

2) You introduce the sales letter with "Dear Diet Seeker"... Gosh that's not very flattering. Can you think of something else to greet your reader with?

3) You use extra words like "extremely quickly"... a key to good sales writing is to use only enough words as necessary to sell the product. Would immediately sound better? Extremely quickly, again, is actually quite disturbing much like your headline. I don't know if it's just me, but isn't there a stigma behind any weight loss plan or product that works that quickly? Something to consider.

4) At one point in the sales letter you say:

I have personally reviewed and used this diet system. I've compared it against all the other fast weight loss diet plans online, and I can't say enough about it.

This is not a very strong testimonial. If you used it, what are it's benefits? How did it specifically help you?

5) Besides the copy, the header is pixelated and does not do anything for your credibility. People will look at your site and immediately have a negative response to this, as it is not pleasing to the eye. As well, the picture of Chris is kind of Creepy and not very flattering. Perhaps providing more pictures of young people that have lost weight, or even models that look firm, fit, and healthy.

I hope this helps!

[procopywriter]

Vin and CopperCopy both had great suggestions. The design just loses all credibility.

Another thing to consider: "Weight Loss" has virtually NO emotional connection with the reader. In fact, it may have a negative connotation in the minds of your prospects. Their experience has been that losing weight is hard work, you have to deprive yourself, it just keeps coming back, etc.

Use different language. Even FL4I chose to use "Fat Loss" instead of "Weight Loss". EVERYONE uses "weight loss" which is why you should avoid that phrase like the plague.

Try words/phrases such as...

"drop pounds"
"dissolve fat"
"lose the fat"
"get rid of fat"
"fat destroying"
"fat dissolving"
"blubber-busting" (Well, maybe not that one!)

Anyway, you get my drift. Use creative language to make a more emotional connection... but be tactful.

Aaron

[Bkv1182]

Thank you all, I appreciate the feed back, I kinda know my design needed a lot of work , I just couldn't put my finger on what was wrong with it...

Copywriting is something I really need a lot of help with... does anyone have a suggestion of something I can read to help me become better at it?

Whats the best way to improve my skills?

[Easy Cash]

1. Center your page
2. Get rid of the sign up box - or get rid of the affiliate link. Have one or the other.
3. Get better graphics - they are grainy
4. Have a good close look at your text - size font colors etc and make it look more 'uniform'

I wrote a bit more about conversion rates on my blog.

http://www.warriorforum.com/blogs/ea...-you-done.html

Hope you find something useful.

[webmatic]

You must keep on reading relevant stuff (niche) in whatever niche you are interested and there are loads of landing pages for weight loss and health related issues so just search it and get an idea of how to improve your skills and writing
Everyone here gave great and perfect suggestions to you so try to implement them as well
Thanks
Webmatic

Originally Posted by Bkv1182

Thank you all, I appreciate the feed back, I kinda know my design needed a lot of work , I just couldn't put my finger on what was wrong with it...

Copywriting is something I really need a lot of help with... does anyone have a suggestion of something I can read to help me become better at it?

Whats the best way to improve my skills?