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[Urgent] What does this need??

by JaredRhodenizer
11 replies
I work for a marketing company in the real estate niche. I'm kind of a "Jack of all trades, master of none" guy. Anywho...

My boss asked me to create a sales letter for his new product he's launching. He's very vague about what the actual product is and what all it includes.

I'm not a copywriter, nor do I claim to be, and he knows that, but asked me to do it anyway.

We're launching this on April 16, so I would be HONORED if someone could take a look and give me some honest feedback and also any major flaws I'm missing.

I know that it needs testimonials, but like I have mentioned, this is a new product, so they do not exist yet.

Here is the sales letter.

Thank you
#urgent
  • Profile picture of the author Ross James
    Originally Posted by JaredRhodenizer View Post

    I'm not a copywriter, nor do I claim to be, and he knows that, but asked me to do it anyway.
    Well who wrote the landing page then? Someone surely had his copywriting hat on. Is it perfect, not by any means, the bullets need a little work... There's really no story but beyond that, nice start
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  • Profile picture of the author Alex Cohen
    Originally Posted by JaredRhodenizer View Post


    My boss asked me to create a sales letter for his new product he's launching. He's very vague about what the actual product is and what all it includes.
    There is NO WAY you (or anybody else) can write effective sales copy under these conditions.

    Specifics sell... vagueness doesn't.

    Alex
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    • Profile picture of the author Chriswrighto
      As Alex has said.

      Aside from that...

      The pre-head makes me stumble. Something better would be...

      "Serious Realtors: What if you could rake in listing automatically?"

      The headline doesn't make me want to read on. Right now you're just another person claiming they can help me. You also claim that it's guaranteed, and then further down the copy you say "I can't offer any specific results."

      Confuse your prospects and they're gone.

      Which leads me to...

      There's no proof. You can't claim something is guaranteed when there is no proof. You've said it's a new product... but can't you test run it first? Or maybe Chris Curry himself has been using this system for a while? You need to state that, right at the top.

      And to be brutally honest...

      It bores me.

      But in this time-span it's a good shot for a non-copywriter.

      Hope this helps.

      Chris
      Signature

      Wealthcopywriter.com :)

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      • Profile picture of the author Ross James
        Originally Posted by Chriswrighto View Post

        The pre-head makes me stumble. Something better would be...

        "Serious Realtors: What if you could rake in listing automatically?"
        Too passive bud
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    • Profile picture of the author sethczerepak
      Originally Posted by Alex Cohen View Post

      There is NO WAY you (or anybody else) can write effective sales copy under these conditions.

      Specifics sell... vagueness doesn't.

      Alex
      Agreed.

      Value doesn't equal value.

      I occasionally have prospects contact me asking to quote projects, but they don't want to reveal anything. As if they've just invented a pill that cures procrastination and they're afraid I'll steal it from them.

      I've learned to send them elsewhere. You can't even QUOTE such a job accurately, let alone write anything that will sell.

      Frankly, I was surprised to see the letter. It's better than 90% of the critique requests on here, especially considering the vagueness.

      Just a suggestion though...that "Available in.." with the countdown...

      If I were interested in buying (playing customer for a moment), why couldn't I input my email or phone # and get on a priority list to get the offer one hour before it goes live?

      Seems like a better idea than just telling them when it will be available and expecting them to remember and come back to the page.
      Signature
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  • Profile picture of the author RedShifted
    At first glance I liked it a lot. I'm no pro but the headline definitely grabbed my attention.

    What repulsed me was the overuse of underlining. I had to stop reading as I was scrolling down cause there was way too much of it.
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  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    Banned
    Chris, good effort but could be so much better. Why not take what you have in the guts of the page and make it the head? Like this -



    What if, every month, you could have a fresh direct mail marketing funnel that raked in listing leads?

    What if each of your funnels generated 3-4 listings on a monthly basis with absolutely NO cold calling.


    Yep, those sellers call YOU up asking for appointments.

    And how about each funnel sending you listings from different real estate niches such as:

    - Normal, everyday homeowners
    - Absentee Home Owners
    - Expired Listings
    - Divorce Attorneys
    - Past Clients
    - Estates (when someone dies)
    - Vacant homes

    Kerching!
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  • Profile picture of the author Ross James
    What's up with all the What ifs? "What if" just seems to passive to me

    Great to see some of the same people in here giving free critiques
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  • Profile picture of the author Viviana
    Hi, Jared -

    I agree with the previous comments posted here. Though you've done a good first-draft sales letter, it's almost impossible for anyone (whether pro copywriter or 'jack of all trades') to produce first-rate copy without having full details of the product. You work in marketing, not mindreading! I suggest you ask your boss to fill in some of the blanks, including the USP as he sees it. Good luck, Viviana
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  • Profile picture of the author JaredRhodenizer
    Thanks for all your help. Launched today. 125 sales.
    Signature
    http://MaskedMarketing.com
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