Accepting critiques for my $97 product (law of attraction niche)

[johnpetrov]

Warriors, I Really Do Need Your Help

I just launched Attractor Genie – a brand new law of attraction software and I need to improve the copy.

- Attractor Genie - Law of Attraction Software

Please take a look at what I have done so far. Its' the best my present skills can come up with.

I would be very grateful to receive any feedback on how it looks at present and what can be done to improve it.

As an incentive, I will give all the folks who take their valuable time to review my letter a free copy of my product($97 value)

Thanks in advance for your expert advice.
John Petrov

PS: After you post your comments please PM me - I will send you the download link and a free license Thank you !

[zapseo]

Off the top --

I, along with many others, despise popups (or however you want to name them) that show up immediately on the page and BLOCK the headline.

A recent client and I had a discussion about this, and agreed that Marlon Sanders' Design Dashboard has an excellent example of using this kind of software well. I tend to prefer exit popups on sales pages, however.

Secondly, the headline doesn't grab me. Great headlines pull you in so quickly that you are reading the lead before you know it. Look at Jason Parker's recent thread for some strategies people use to do just that.
MaskedMarketer, in another thread, offers the AWAI formula, which is that a headline should (ideally) be useful, urgent, ultra-specific, unique. It's an interesting mix -- and understanding what AWAI means by those terms requires a bit more than just pulling them out of your own understanding. Ultra-specific can be killer when used correctly -- but there are other places where people try to be ultra-specific and it completely misses the boat (sorry, I woke up in the middle of the night, so I'm typing this at 4:30am and my brain isn't operating at max efficiency. Which is my excuse for not providing you a, well, specific example. where specificity is used poorly.)

Okay, that should give you a start...

[Jim Burney]

Hi John

I am no expert on copy but after reading your copy, and the testimonials, do you have actual proof that your software has improved anybodies life?

If I missed it, I apologize

Also the pop up was in your face.

Good luck

Jim

[zapseo]

Presumptive subheads like this:

Reason#4 Why you have not yet already purchased ...

are obnoxious, annoying, irritating...as in

"How Dare You Assume You Know Why I Haven't Purchased Yet!"

You can prevent this by using more permissive language...so I, the reader, can choose what reasons may or may not apply to me.

[Rayleigh]

You might want to correct the Post script. You have P.S which then followed by P.P.P.S. Drop a P from there.

[edwardboey]

Under this:
"You're Expecting Free Bonuses, Right?" -> this seems like you're putting in a bonus for the sake of putting it in. Like forcing it in there. It's suppose to portray something that would compliment your software

It sounds like you're giving away bonus for the sake of giving bonuses. Instead you might want to add some explanation to further explain what you bonuses is all about. I believe you should also display the value of your bonuses to your prospect like saying this actually worth $50 in the market and now it's packaged along with your software.

Well hope this helps. Good luck.

[Tinkerbell]

"A Secret Control Panel Inside Your Brain,That Will Get You Anything You Desire, Almost Like Magic..."

I personally think the sentence above (or some variation of it) would be the better main headline for your page. It stimulates curiosity and the greed gland. <g>

Tina

[Loren Woirhaye]

I glanced over it. Your main testimonial photo looks like
a chemo-patient... I'd lose the photo or use a testimonial
from a less frail-looking person.

The main issue I see here is that you are starting with
a "as seen on TV" appeal... basically a shotgun approach
to a general market. Do you have the budget to sell
to such a wide audience?

One of the secrets to attracting sales with the written word
is to get very specific about WHO the message is for. I
don't see this here. I'd like to see you get very specific
about what problems you software solves - right away at the
start of the salesletter.