Need a critique of my future to be home page

[TheGodfather]

please visit this link and give me any advices that you think i could use.

Consumer's Manual | How To Buy A Computer | Computer Repair

btw. do NOT sign up just yet the email course is not yet fully set up. the final product is still in development phases....

[Scott Murdaugh]

It's pretty bad.

First of all the entire layout, fonts used, color for the headline... Everything is just hard to look at.

That's an easy fix... Go download this template: FREE Landing Page Template | DotComPreneur

My next gripe is that they have to read that HUGE block of text before they even get to the opt in form.

You need to be using bullets and short sentences... Break up the text. And I'd recommend testing an opt in form above the fold.

The whole thing is pretty wordy. Try to get your points across in as few words as possible.

And I'd say the entire thing needs to be rewritten. No offense. It's just doesn't compel me to want to put in my name and email.

Good luck.

-Scott

[TheGodfather]

Originally Posted by scottspfd82

It's pretty bad.

First of all the entire layout, fonts used, color for the headline... Everything is just hard to look at.

That's an easy fix... Go download this template: FREE Landing Page Template | DotComPreneur

My next gripe is that they have to read that HUGE block of text before they even get to the opt in form.

You need to be using bullets and short sentences... Break up the text. And I'd recommend testing an opt in form above the fold.

The whole thing is pretty wordy. Try to get your points across in as few words as possible.

And I'd say the entire thing needs to be rewritten. No offense. It's just doesn't compel me to want to put in my name and email.

Good luck.

-Scott

well this is my first project... so better to find this out now then to invest in it and wonder why no one is opting in.

thanks for the feedback.

[MarkAndrews IMCopywriting]

It's all weak, nothing compelling, captivating, educational or builds in me as a consumer, any desire to buy.

It is rational to an extent, yes, however people buy on emotion, not rationality most often.

The site overall needs smartening up, the headline is as weak as dishwater, one or two sentences do not make perfect sense and I spied a spelling error or two.

Bullet points too are weak.

Writing great copy is about turning the mundane in to something magical, captivating your intended audience with a creative spark of scintillation - enabling your site visitors subconsciously, almost without knowing it, leading them in and/or reeling them in, to ultimately buy your product or service.

This sales copy I'm afraid, does not do that.

It needs deconstructing, starting over from scratch again if needs must, a sales copy that borders perhaps on the miraculous - certainly able to perform veritable miracles in terms of conversion.

WOW your audience or convince yourself before publication, that you would really want to, (without any shadow of doubt), would certainly buy into your own product, given half a chance, based on the sales copy in front of you.

In other other words, show, demonstrate that you REALLY do care to provide the very best copy that you can!

If you do not believe in this product, this will shine through your words.

Don't just make it shine, sculpt those words so that a brilliant light is emanating from your overall sales text used.

Then people may just believe you and be convinced that to buy, is very good for them.

[TheGodfather]

good point, I'm not big on writing as I used to be, i definitely need some advice and tutorials... i agree on that...

I think it's all this science crap that I've been studying that has stripped my texts out of emotions... but I just can't help it... I love a good technical book... it's the life of some one who is after a masters in electronics I guess.

Truth be told, with the resources that I have available and the resources that I use I'm actually amazed that I even did only that bad.

as for the grammatical errors, you do have to pardon my English since I am Croatian... but I do my best to correct as much as I can...

[MarkAndrews IMCopywriting]

If English is a second language for you, it's exceptionally good, you had me 'fooled' for sure.

Wishing you all the very best and kindest regards!

Mark

[TheGodfather]

well i speak english, german, some french and a few other languages, but i'm not big on grammar, sure i can write english since i do "work" with it but i do have occasional errors.

does anyone have some book that you can recommend that would help me learn copywriting? i know it's much easyer to hire someone but, personally, i'm more of a do-it-yourself kind of guy, i do everything my self from coding my site, writing my own software, writing my own sales copy (that, as was concluded, sucks), create my own products etc... i would love to have someone help me out from time to time but it's hard to find decent help...

[lharding]

I'm a newbie to IM, but I don't think this would grab my attention. There's a little too much "I", not enough about my problems. If I'm looking to buy a PC, I'd like to feel I've found a friend that is going to make my whole buying experience hassle free, especially if I'm scared about talking to an "expert" in a shop. You're going to give me that confidence.

L

[TheGodfather]

Originally Posted by lharding

I'm a newbie to IM, but I don't think this would grab my attention. There's a little too much "I", not enough about my problems. If I'm looking to buy a PC, I'd like to feel I've found a friend that is going to make my whole buying experience hassle free, especially if I'm scared about talking to an "expert" in a shop. You're going to give me that confidence.

L

As ironic as it may sound... but i just think that you provided me with the best solution

Why is it that it's always the less experienced that give out the best advice? The posts above gave good advice, no doubt, but you actually pointed out something far more useful... thanks

[RentItNow]

Newbie as well but I can tell you from a traditional marketing perspective that you are not niche enough. Find out who needs this service the most. Is it a busy business person, work from home mom, whatever? Then direct it to them.

Also you need some flare. Don't know if you can use it but BESTBUY, FUTURE SHOP, DELL, LENOVO, etc. logos would look good.

Optin should be at top.

WAY TOO much copy. Not enough believable benefits.

Keep pushing at it. Better to make every mistake in the book BEFORE you start driving useless traffic to it.

[TheGodfather]

Originally Posted by RentItNow

Keep pushing at it. Better to make every mistake in the book BEFORE you start driving useless traffic to it.

thank god i have a domain i can use to test out my own crap XD... good thing nothing leads to this page so i won't be regarded as "the guy who changed that one page 10 gazillion times"

[danyray]

I will only add that for busy people that want to buy the best PC for their need, time is of essence, add something to tempt them, so something like in 30 minutes or less you will know exactly what you need and how to buy it..."
Dany

[TheGodfather]

Originally Posted by whizkey

It looks pretty incomplete, you might wanna try adding coloured box and just swipe from other gurus. which is what I've been doing. :P

I didn't get around lately to work on it. Today is a holiday here and i guess i can set aside some time to practice and study copywriting... I just might repost it again with the new letter.

Just will have to put photoshop on my computer and do some design so the site looks somewhat "normal"