please critique my ad swap email

[Simon Stanley]

Hey guys,

I have a big ad swap coming round soon, here is a copy of
the email I will be sending, please could you critique it. I
would be very thankful.

-------------------------------------


SUBJECT: What? He's giving away a $531.65 Adwords Campaign..


Hi FIRSTNAME,

I had to rush you this email to you
soon as I could, I think this guy has
totally *LOST* it.

What person in his right mind would
just give away a Adwords Campaign that has
just banked $531.65 in 20 days...?

Simon from ‘Adwords Roadmap’ would, he is
giving you the EXACT keywords, ads, and
crazy-converting landing page he used for
you to steal the whole thing.
Just copy and paste it all inside here:

http://www.AdwordsRoadmap.com

And to make the whole situation even
more ridiculous, he is also giving away
the sneaky top-secret trick he uses to
uncover these little-known Adwords
profit-pockets on demand, and then
blow the competition out the water.

http://www.AdwordsRoadmap.com

One thing's for sure Simon knows
Google Adwords inside out and you
really need to see this with your own
eyes to believe it.

Download his entire Adwords campaign
(including all keywords, ads and
landing page) for fre.e before he realises
what he has done:

http://www.AdwordsRoadmap.com

---------------------------------------

Thanks for your help guys!

Simon

[jgrink]

I had to rush you this email to you soon as I could,...

I had to rush this email to you as soon as I could (colon or dash)...

What person in his right mind would
just give away a Adwords Campaign that has
just banked $531.65 in 20 days...?

Lose one of the 'just's.

Simon from ‘Adwords Roadmap’ would,

The comma isn't right. I'd suggest a semi-colon or dash.

...he used for
you to steal...

????

One thing's for sure...

Semi-colon, dash after 'sure'.

Download his entire Adwords campaign
(including all keywords, ads and
landing page) for fre.e before he realises
what he has done:

...free...realizes...

That should get you started.

[danyray]

If it goes to the right target audience, it sure raises enough curiosity to click on the link. After some grammatical and punctuation corrections as mentioned above, you can get started.

Good luck

Dany

[Bill Jeffels]

Originally Posted by danyray

If it goes to the right target audience, it sure raises enough curiosity to click on the link. After some grammatical and punctuation corrections as mentioned above, you can get started.

Good luck

Dany

Hi Simon

Do what jgrink and scadwal told you to do. I think you raise alot of curiousity in your email. I really like the phrase " sneaky top secret trick". And the specific $531.65 is great. It really builds believability.

I think your going to have success with this email.

One thing I might test is your subject title. Try testing "Why is he giving away a 531.65 adwords campaign". One word can make a big difference.

Other then that it looks good.

All the best

Bill Jeffels