Another Sales Page Critique, please

[embrown]

Its me again. I found a template and I did alot of tweaking of the html and graphics. Now I think I have something that looks presentable. This is my first sales page so ANY help would be appreciated. Anyway, I still have some content to upload and links to test, but the front page should be good first draft to check out. I would like to try to get this live and start promoting very soon.

I don't think I have to mention that I'm not good at copy writing. I love writing, so hopefully its something I can pick up with practice.

http://www.yourlifeupgraded.com/monthlycontent/

Thanks so much!

Edited to add: This is attached to my blog, where I'm going to be promoting the service and a few other things. Plus, my link was wrong. Sorry!

[Matt Jutras]

Make this your headline: "Are You Still Using Those Same Old Recycled PLR Articles?"

Under that, use this for a subhead: "Here's How To Get Exclusive Niche Content In Your Inbox Every Week..."

Maybe not exactly that. But...you get the idea.

Further, you're committing the largest (and most common) sin among newbie copywriters.

Too much of your sales pitch is "I I I me me me" and barely any "you you you".

Sorry, but nobody cares about you. They only care how you're going to solve THIER problem and what you can do for THEM.

They especially don't care about your life story or how you ended up providing your service.

Now, you almost make up for it with the second half of your pitch...especially this part:

"Do You Know How Many Times Your PLR Content Has Been Passed Around Over The Internet? Do You Know How OLD That Content Is? Wouldn't you like Fresh, Relevant and Up To Date Information?"

Guess what...that's the paragraph you should open up your letter with. And go from there about how you're going to solve that particular dilemma for them.

I'm not much of a web designer so I can't comment too much on how your page "looks", although it is pretty clean and straightforward which is exactly what you want.

In summary: close but no cigar.

But you're getting there.

[embrown]

Hey thanks for the help! I'm going to switch those two head lines and move the focus from me to the potential customer. I appreciate the advice.

[Bill Jeffels]

Originally Posted by embrown

Its me again. I found a template and I did alot of tweaking of the html and graphics. Now I think I have something that looks presentable. This is my first sales page so ANY help would be appreciated. Anyway, I still have some content to upload and links to test, but the front page should be good first draft to check out. I would like to try to get this live and start promoting very soon.

I don't think I have to mention that I'm not good at copy writing. I love writing, so hopefully its something I can pick up with practice


Thanks so much!

Edited to add: This is attached to my blog, where I'm going to be promoting the service and a few other things. Plus, my link was wrong. Sorry!

I would have to agree with Matt. You have alot of, I did this, I did that. Your customer wants to know..."Whats In It For Me". Your customer wants to know the benefits not the features. I know you said your going to change the appeal for your customer.

Here is a quick example...

Are your articles old content?...

"Hot To Get Hand Crafted
New Niche Content In Your
Inbox Every Week"

Heres how you can get freshly
researched articles that
will have your customers
begging for more

Dear friend

Did you know there is a dirty little secret about PLR content. It's true. Most content is old and has been passed around the internet many, many times.

I'm tired of it. I'm going to change all that by providing freshly written, relevent and researched articles .

Here is what this is all about. Hi my name is...etc, etc,

You have to get your prospects Attention, spark there Interest, have them desire what it is you have, and take action right now!.

Hope that helps

Bill Jeffels

[embrown]

Thanks again to everyone! I was wondering how to get into that letter style. This is perfect.

[David Raybould]

Embrown-

The letter as it is will struggle.

Aside from any of the copy issues, you're going
to need to write a lot more to get people to
commit to paying monthly.

Okay, now for the copy issues...

The headline is too pedestrian. You want
something that sizzles and pops. You need
to get people jazzed about your PLR... not
disappointed with their old PLR.

Also, the graphic with the blue ecover and
and the "subscribe now" message is killing
things for you. It serves absolutely no
purpose. That area of your page is too
valuable to waste on pretty images.

Instead of that, I'd go with a killer subhead...
something that illustrates exactly why they
should read further into your letter RIGHT NOW.

Aside from all that, you'll really need more
copy to make a success of this. It's tough to
get people to commit to paying monthly, and
doing it with as little copy as this will be next
to impossible.

If I were you I'd buy a couple of books on writing
copy, study them, and start over.

Either that, or hire a pro.

Sorry buddy.

-David Raybould