Can you review my first press release?

[allthesp]

Hey, this is my first press release. I am going for a personal feel. Can a good copywriter take a look and give me a very harsh critique?

Thanks.

Financial Crisis Forces Family to Sell Prized Michael Jackson Mannequin
Wes Potter is a family man from Atlanta, Georgia forced to work in New York because of the economic downturn. He was shocked by the untimely death of Michael Jackson, his favorite pop artist. Wes is now trying to make ends meet by selling his prized possession, a full size mannequin of the late Michael Jackson.
Atlanta, GA June 25, 2009 - - The custom Michael Jackson mannequin has been placed for sale on eBay.com with a starting price of $1999.99. The listing is complete with a faux red leather jacket, made famous by Michael’s classic “Thriller” as well as his landmark white glove.
“I love Michael, and I love the mannequin. But I love my family more,” said Wes. “It’s my son’s birthday in a week and I want to go home.” Wes Potter’s son, Cameron, is celebrating his third birthday in early July and is frightened by the mannequin, which stands over six feet tall.
The custom, fiberglass mannequin was crafted in 2005 by a professional modeler. Wes requested the mannequin while his general contracting business was booming. Originally he had planned for the mannequin to be housed in his basement which he was hoping to convert into a dance studio.
Wes moved with his fiancé, son, and Michael to Atlanta in 2007 when work in New York began to dwindle. “Moving was difficult because I had always lived in New York. Christine (his fiancé) was lucky to get a job as a teacher, and we decided to take it.” Unfortunately soon after their move, jobs became scarce across the country. Wes was soon forced to return to his unsold house in New York.
His entire collection of Michael Jackson memorabilia is for sale on eBay. His collection includes the custom mannequin complete with outfit and four faux leather jackets. Wes is hoping these sales can help pay the two mortgages he and his fiancé are now stuck with.
“We never thought that we would be put in this situation, but the economy has hurt a lot of people, a lot of families. I put a lot into the mannequin alone, now I am just hoping to make ends meet.”

[allthesp]

Anyone have any comments on how I can improve it, or even if my structure is alright?

[k0zm0zs0ul]

Hey, it doesn't look too bad to me. Don't forget your contact info at the bottom.. Here are a couple links for you.

Willie Crawford Teaches Internet Marketing Blog Archive How To Generate Website Traffic And Business With Press Releases

Press Release Template

How to write a press release

Also be sure to break up your paragraphs better so it's more easily readable.

Hope that helps.

Regards,
Cori

[Justin Mandel]

This is not written right in the least. If you want to get online attention for it you'll get some since there are free places to submit press releases, otherwise this would get directly thrown out into editors' wastepaper baskets in the offline world (which by all means you should also be targeting).

You have an interesting story, but it would be a shame not to get all the attention you could get by capitalizing on the timeliness of current events.

This needs to be completely rewritten since there are way too many glaring mistakes - namely that it is written as an advertisment instead of from a 3rd person perspective.

Best of luck!

P.S. You might be able to attract even more attention by getting the URL www.MichaelJacksonMannequin.com and working it into the press release by creating some content and adding some photos as well.

[k0zm0zs0ul]

Hmnn..It reads more like a human interest story to me than an advertisement. And I don't think there is anything wrong with some of the good free sites depending on what you are trying to do with your press release... but that is just my two cents. I am sure others here will offer their advice as well.

And that is good advice about capitalizing on current events to get the most out of it, especially if you are paying to have it released. You should get the most bang for your buck.

Regards,
Cori

[Justin Mandel]

Cori, of course it's an advertisement

Just read the very first sentence again, it doesn't get any more blatant then that

The custom Michael Jackson mannequin has been placed for sale on eBay.com with a starting price of $1999.99.

And nowhere did not say there was anything wrong with free submission sites. What I was inferring was just because it gets listed on a submission site does NOT mean it will be picked up by *important* sites that can actually generate more traffic if it was listed in them. What this means essentially is that even the the free sites are a waste of time if the press release is written poorly

Originally Posted by k0zm0zs0ul

Hmnn..It reads more like a human interest story to me than an advertisement. And I don't think there is anything wrong with some of the good free sites depending on what you are trying to do with your press release... but that is just my two cents. I am sure others here will offer their advice as well.

And that is good advice about capitalizing on current events to get the most out of it, especially if you are paying to have it released. You should get the most bang for your buck.

Regards,
Cori

[Loren Woirhaye]

It's fine. All you are looking for is keyword traction to get
traffic to your EBay auction. You may be able to rank for
"Michael Jackson Manequin" (you shouldd optimize for mis-spellings
with separate releases).

With a couple of services paying to have your release
promoted is really worthwhile. Most PR sites have little
value in terms of SEO visibility, but a handful are really
good.

[k0zm0zs0ul]

Originally Posted by Justin Mandel

Cori, of course it's an advertisement

Just read the very first sentence again, it doesn't get any more blatant then that



And nowhere did not say there was anything wrong with free submission sites. What I was inferring was just because it gets listed on a submission site does NOT mean it will be picked up by *important* sites that can actually generate more traffic if it was listed in them. What this means essentially is that even the the free sites are a waste of time if the press release is written poorly

lol Ok! That's true, I just mean it doesn't read that way to me. It reads more like a story than an ad, but I guess that just makes it a clever ad. I am still somewhat new to the press release area of work, so still learning all of the ins and outs of a good one.

Regards,
Cori

[Keeslover]

The only thing I would add is that you need more white space. Your paragraphs should be short, making them more readable. When I write PRs I keep my paragraphs around 4-5 lines. You might have done that here, but I can't really tell with what looks like a big paragraph starting with "the custom" and ending with "stuck with".