Newb and no copywrite exp

[tlimstliy3]

I wrote an awesome report last year and finished it this year. The report is great, the sales page is not--it stinks. I welcome any all comments and critiques if you have a minute.

Thank you very much!
__________________________________________________ _________
Looking for easy stress relief? Sick of migraines, muscle tension, backaches, and stomach aches? Scared of strokes, cancer, and heart attacks? Do You Just Want to Feel Better Without Meds? Trying to break your old habits of worry and overeating without drugs? Need a way to boost your motivation RIGHT NOW? Then listen up, because I’m about to show you…

7 Easy Steps to Reduce Your Stress Instantly!

Doctors are now saying that up to 80% of patients’ ailments are stress- related. The World Health Organization lists Stress as the #1 illness of all times. 8 out of 10 Americans have a major source of stress in their lives.Stress is known as the silent killer. Don’t become another victim of the stress epidemic…

"Finally! A simple, drug-free way to reduce stress and start truly enjoying your life"

STRESS, it’s everywhere, it’s overwhelming, it’s unending. Heck, just turn on the evening news or look at the daily press. Natural disasters, global warming, disease, poverty, international tensions—the list goes on and on. The war, the recession, unemployment, foreclosures, the rising cost of health care, food prices…You’d be hard pressed to find anyone who is not affected to some extent by one or more of the above life stressors!

REVEALED…YOU DON’T HAVE TO SPEND THOUSANDS ON THERAPY OR TAKE MOOD ALTERING DRUGS FOR EFFECTIVE STRESS REDUCTION…IF YOU CAN READ THIS SMALL REPORT, YOU WILL LEARN FROM A NURSE WHO HAS SEEN AND HEARD IT ALL OVER A 20 YEAR CAREER, THAT YOU CAN REDUCE YOUR STRESS INSTANTLY AND PERMANENTLY AND IMPROVE YOUR LIFE!

“Your Mind Will Stop Racing And Your Neck Will Stop Aching–The Burden Of Stress That You Carry Will Be Lifted As You Learn To Enjoy Life Again–without meds!”

Dear Friend,

Now that I have your attention, let me tell you what all of the health "gurus" are claiming these days-and why they’re all wrong. You see, the "gurus" of Online Health Websites want you to believe that you have to invest hundreds or thousands of dollars in their products in order to have the knowledge you need for coping with stress. They want you to think that there’s great hidden secrets that only they have, and the only way for you to get a hold of them is to break out your credit card and start spending loads of cash.

The truth is, there is a hidden secret. The secret is that these guys are scamming people, and nobody seems to know it! Let me ask you a simple question. Think hard about this question, and apply the common-sense, logical answer against everything you’ve ever been told by the "gurus." The question is… Which item do you buy without thinking about the expense: a McDonald’s lunch for one person or a new computer? Two magazines at the news rack or a new refrigerator? A few gallons of gas, or a plane ticket?

The answer should be obvious. Most people don’t sweat buying something that only costs a few dollars. They just buy it, use it, and throw it away when they’re done. No big deal. Hundreds of millions, if not billions, of people buy items like this every day. Do you know who the #1 wealthiest company was in the USA in 2008? Exxon Mobil. What does Exxon sell? Gasoline. How do they sell it? One gallon at a time. Do you know who the second wealthiest company was in the USA in 2008? Wal-Mart. What does Wal-Mart sell? Mostly cheap little items.

If you’re serious about your health in 2009, you will get this report, right now and read the report today. Can you guess what it will cost you to get this incredible health saving information, information that can quite literally improve the quality of your life?

$10.

Yes, for the price of a fast food dinner you will have all of the information you need to jump full force into the realm of 7 Easy Steps to Reduce Your Stress Instantly!

Why $10?

Actually, the marketing experts tell me it’s worth at least $17. I’m only charging $10 for this report for 3 reasons.

1. $10 puts the report within reach of the vast majority of people. It’s not too expensive for even the humblest beginning online seeker of stress reduction.
2. Anyone who’s not serious enough about their health in 2009 to invest $10 into this report isn’t going to take the time to use the methods laid out in the report anyway.
3. Anyone who is serious enough to put down the price of a fast food dinner and buy this report has the opportunity to create better health and a better life through effective stress relief.

If you’re thinking, "$10 is so cheap! What’s the catch?", Easy-7 Secrets for $10, or one buck 40 cents per secret. It’s not rocket science. You really need to read this report! I really want you to read this report! The advice within it gives you tools for health you seriously need to think about using.

So if you’re serious about your health and coping with stress in 2009, and if you would like to start feeling better NOW by following 7 Easy Steps to Reduce Your Stress Instantly for only $10, click the "Buy Now" button below. If you need to justify the expense, skip going to McDonald’s for dinner once this week and it’s paid for!

*click here to buy button goes here*

PS. Seriously, for just $10, I’ll teach you 7 Easy Steps to Reduce Your Stress Instantly! Do you know that you can do something now to help yourself? Why would you pass on that? *click here for your copy.*

__________________________________________________ ____

[Bill Jeffels]

Originally Posted by tlimstliy3

I wrote an awesome report last year and finished it this year. The report is great, the sales page is not--it stinks. I welcome any all comments and critiques if you have a minute.

Thank you very much!
__________________________________________________ _________
Looking for easy stress relief? Sick of migraines, muscle tension, backaches, and stomach aches? Scared of strokes, cancer, and heart attacks? Do You Just Want to Feel Better Without Meds? Trying to break your old habits of worry and overeating without drugs? Need a way to boost your motivation RIGHT NOW? Then listen up, because I’m about to show you…

7 Easy Steps to Reduce Your Stress Instantly!

Doctors are now saying that up to 80% of patients’ ailments are stress- related. The World Health Organization lists Stress as the #1 illness of all times. 8 out of 10 Americans have a major source of stress in their lives.Stress is known as the silent killer. Don’t become another victim of the stress epidemic…

"Finally! A simple, drug-free way to reduce stress and start truly enjoying your life"

STRESS, it’s everywhere, it’s overwhelming, it’s unending. Heck, just turn on the evening news or look at the daily press. Natural disasters, global warming, disease, poverty, international tensions—the list goes on and on. The war, the recession, unemployment, foreclosures, the rising cost of health care, food prices…You’d be hard pressed to find anyone who is not affected to some extent by one or more of the above life stressors!

REVEALED…YOU DON’T HAVE TO SPEND THOUSANDS ON THERAPY OR TAKE MOOD ALTERING DRUGS FOR EFFECTIVE STRESS REDUCTION…IF YOU CAN READ THIS SMALL REPORT, YOU WILL LEARN FROM A NURSE WHO HAS SEEN AND HEARD IT ALL OVER A 20 YEAR CAREER, THAT YOU CAN REDUCE YOUR STRESS INSTANTLY AND PERMANENTLY AND IMPROVE YOUR LIFE!

“Your Mind Will Stop Racing And Your Neck Will Stop Aching–The Burden Of Stress That You Carry Will Be Lifted As You Learn To Enjoy Life Again–without meds!”

Dear Friend,

Now that I have your attention, let me tell you what all of the health "gurus" are claiming these days-and why they’re all wrong. You see, the "gurus" of Online Health Websites want you to believe that you have to invest hundreds or thousands of dollars in their products in order to have the knowledge you need for coping with stress. They want you to think that there’s great hidden secrets that only they have, and the only way for you to get a hold of them is to break out your credit card and start spending loads of cash.

The truth is, there is a hidden secret. The secret is that these guys are scamming people, and nobody seems to know it! Let me ask you a simple question. Think hard about this question, and apply the common-sense, logical answer against everything you’ve ever been told by the "gurus." The question is… Which item do you buy without thinking about the expense: a McDonald’s lunch for one person or a new computer? Two magazines at the news rack or a new refrigerator? A few gallons of gas, or a plane ticket?

The answer should be obvious. Most people don’t sweat buying something that only costs a few dollars. They just buy it, use it, and throw it away when they’re done. No big deal. Hundreds of millions, if not billions, of people buy items like this every day. Do you know who the #1 wealthiest company was in the USA in 2008? Exxon Mobil. What does Exxon sell? Gasoline. How do they sell it? One gallon at a time. Do you know who the second wealthiest company was in the USA in 2008? Wal-Mart. What does Wal-Mart sell? Mostly cheap little items.

If you’re serious about your health in 2009, you will get this report, right now and read the report today. Can you guess what it will cost you to get this incredible health saving information, information that can quite literally improve the quality of your life?

$10.

Yes, for the price of a fast food dinner you will have all of the information you need to jump full force into the realm of 7 Easy Steps to Reduce Your Stress Instantly!

Why $10?

Actually, the marketing experts tell me it’s worth at least $17. I’m only charging $10 for this report for 3 reasons.

1. $10 puts the report within reach of the vast majority of people. It’s not too expensive for even the humblest beginning online seeker of stress reduction.
2. Anyone who’s not serious enough about their health in 2009 to invest $10 into this report isn’t going to take the time to use the methods laid out in the report anyway.
3. Anyone who is serious enough to put down the price of a fast food dinner and buy this report has the opportunity to create better health and a better life through effective stress relief.

If you’re thinking, "$10 is so cheap! What’s the catch?", Easy-7 Secrets for $10, or one buck 40 cents per secret. It’s not rocket science. You really need to read this report! I really want you to read this report! The advice within it gives you tools for health you seriously need to think about using.

So if you’re serious about your health and coping with stress in 2009, and if you would like to start feeling better NOW by following 7 Easy Steps to Reduce Your Stress Instantly for only $10, click the "Buy Now" button below. If you need to justify the expense, skip going to McDonald’s for dinner once this week and it’s paid for!

*click here to buy button goes here*

PS. Seriously, for just $10, I’ll teach you 7 Easy Steps to Reduce Your Stress Instantly! Do you know that you can do something now to help yourself? Why would you pass on that? *click here for your copy.*

__________________________________________________ ____

Hi tlimstily3

I'm going to be honest. You have alot of work to do here. First pick up Dan Kennedys "The Ultimate Sales Letter", to learn a basic structure for copy.

Get rid of the comparison to Mcdonald's. Make a comparison to something more expensive, tell them they won't need to spend hundreds on medications, doctor bill's something like that. I would raise your price too.

I will help you with your headline,intro, and P.S. Here is your new headline.

"Discover A Simple Drug Free Way
To Reduce Stress And Start
Enjoying Your Life"

Dear friend

I would like you to Imagine something for a moment. Imagine your self stress free. Imagine your self enjoying the simple things in life that you ounce loved doing. Can you Imagine that. Yes, great. This is where I can help.

Here is what I have for you: Hi my name is (Your name), I have discovered a new way to eliminate stress... etc. etc.

The rest of your letter, benefits, desire your product, why they need it right now!. O.k., now for your P.S. this should be like your second headline.

"And don't forget, when you order my (your product) you will instantly discover ways to eliminate your stress and start enyoying your life"

Take care

Bill Jeffels

[tlimstliy3]

Thanks Bill,
Great suggestions, I appreciate them. Ok, back to the drawing board

[Loren Woirhaye]

Lose the price justification rhetoric where you talk to yourself
about what a great bargain it is. This isn't an infomercial
("now what would you pay???" etc.), it's a salesletter and
you are selling what amounts to a book.

Build your value, tell what's in it and what advantages in
life the reader can expect to get, and tell your price and
don't make a big deal about it. If you've sold the reader
on the benefits of buying and the price is fair, no problem.

If you haven't sold the reader, begging and trying to convince
him it's worth what you want is weak positioning and it
won't work anyway.

[sarahberra]

I love it your sales page, but then again I am not the best person to ask. I am just starting to learn copywriting. I write basic articles for Demand Studios and I work for a few small magazines. Nothing major. I do get paid to write, but I want to learn copywriting and get paid the big bucks. I will check out your links. How long have you been doing this??

[rankwarrior]

Aggitating a problem is a very good sales tactic for this type of marketing, and something you could split test.

Try starting out by making the problem 100x worse that what it is.

How bad could it get? They could get depression, their husband/wife might leave them, they may lose their jobs ... they have to sort it out NOW.

A good headline grabs the attention of the reader.

"WARNING: Do You Recognise The 7 Early Signs Of Stress Related Illness?"

Once you write about everything that could go wrong and the troubles that stress can cause ... you need to give them a solution.

"BUT WAIT ... You Could Easily Eliminate Stress TODAY Using Our Quick Step Solution."

Now they need to know why they should pay $10, $20 or even $50 for your book.

You need to get their ATTENTION then their INTEREST ... Then comes DESIRE and finally SALE!!!

[Loren Woirhaye]

I'm a student of ChiKung - and one of the books out there
about it is "Transform Stress Into Vitality" -

See how powerful that is?

It's not just about losing the stress or anxiety or fear, it's
about replacing it with something useful and empowering.

All that is just 4 words.

Wow.

Here's a classic ad you should read for inspiration.

[tlimstliy3]

Originally Posted by Loren Woirhaye

If you haven't sold the reader, begging and trying to convince
him it's worth what you want is weak positioning and it
won't work anyway.

That's funny, I didn't realize I was begging! Thanks for pointing that out. I also hated the price justification thing, it totally spiraled the whole thing into a direction that felt "wrong"

[tlimstliy3]

Originally Posted by sarahberra

I love it your sales page

ROFL Sara I assume correctly you mean Loren?

[tlimstliy3]

Originally Posted by Loren Woirhaye

See how powerful that is?

The lightbulb is on.

[tlimstliy3]

Originally Posted by rankwarrior

Aggitating a problem is a very good sales tactic for this type of marketing, and something you could split test.

Try starting out by making the problem 100x worse that what it is.

Oh that is coolio--great idea! Thank you

[Alexa Smith]

I agree with Loren that it would be greatly improved (not to mention shortened) by cutting out all the stuff about the price.

As a potential customer, I think: if you're charging $10, you're charging $10. I don't need a list of reasons why you're charging $10 instead of $17, and it doesn't make it look any better value to me - it just makes me think you're pushing a bit too hard about the price and that makes me wonder if you'd actually feel more comfortable selling it at $7 and not having to justify it at such length (I'm not suggesting you should do that!). And I really don't need it pointing out that $10 is what I'd spend at McDonalds - I know how much $10 is.

[tlimstliy3]

Originally Posted by alexa_s

And I really don't need it pointing out that $10 is what I'd spend at McDonalds - I know how much $10 is.

Thanks Alexa, you are right on. Didn't mean to insult any potential customers, but I may have been, with that analogy.

[thegoddessofeleven]

The price justification is something I see so much, I instinctively assume that the author is using re-hashed information in their report, and I skip those products every single time...