Please critique my landing page copy.. Thanks in advance

[doc_web]

Hello Fellow warriors and Great Copywriters

This is my first attempt at writing a copy. It is for an optin page, the other elements of the page are yet to be sorted.


But I would highly appreciate your critique of the copy.

Please check it at Successful Gurus

Thanks in advance.

Deepak

[thegoddessofeleven]

Initial impression:

It looks a little upside down to me... like, the box that's at the top should be at the bottom...

"Whooping" would be used in conjunction with the word "cough." I think you mean "whopping."

"Rack a whack load of cash?" Do you mean "Rake in a whack load of cash?" Regardless, I don't know what a "whack load" is...

[RentItNow]

"Free Video uncovers the secret strategy that helped Gurus to make Millions Last Year..."


Take out the word "to". Maybe say, "Ultra Secret".

Also, show some proof or something that teases more.

[doc_web]

Thank You John and thegoddess

points taken... Keep them coming

I am very keen to learn.

Its difficult for me to provide any proof since its not me, who made the money and the Gurus won't give me a screenshot of their accounts

I need to think a bit more, about how can I provide the proof.

Thanks again

Deepak

[MarkAndrews IMCopywriting]

First, I like the design, very nice indeed.

Unfortunately, there are several factors letting you down, first being the headline.

This headline is pretty weak, to be perfectly honest.

Study first the headlines of some of the copywriting masters, and adapt to your own needs and the message that you are trying to convey to your visitors. For example, the headlines used by Eugene Schwartz and try to copy this same style of headline usage for yourself.

Your sub headline is also weak, no offense, and doesn't make perfect sense either.

It needs to be a great deal more compelling than this, virtually forcing the reader to feel obligated to read on.

Personally, I cannot stand the word 'guru' either, I feel this has been so over-played that it just doesn't have any good impact anymore and seeing it, an instant 'red flag' comes up in my mind, especially coupled with any wording signifying some ultra never before seen or heard of secret. (Insert yawn here)

This kind of wording is only going to appeal I think to a very small, select audience.

When writing, try to cast your net as wide as possible so that the text used, catches as many readers attention as possible and doesn't unintentionally, exclude any of your potential buyers market.

This will naturally lead to a higher conversion rate.

Your next line I got the feeling that I as the reader, well, how to put this succinctly? OK so - are you calling me stupid?

That's kind of what I am picking up here, either that or perhaps you are saying that I am not the sharpest of individuals - either way this line if I hadn't done so already, would have me scampering off very quickly indeed.

Mention of a '25' minutes long video? You don't want to put the length of time in here, I havn't got 25 minutes of my time to give to an unknown entity, change the '25' out for the word 'short' or just, video.

It then commands me to fill in the form. Nothing wrong with using the word 'Please' at the beginning. Also that red arrow looks rather juvenile and amateurish, I'd get rid of it altogether or use something a lot more professional looking, graphics wise.

Moving onto your bullet points....

First one:

How Mike Filsaime used this secret to make a 'whoping' (sp) amount of money ...

Might make sense to a Brummy or a British person but won't make a great deal of sense perhaps to an international audience.

One needs to leave out the all too familiar idiosyncratic Britishism's that we are so used to using in our every day speech and again remember, who exactly we are writing for.

Sure, enable the ordinary and plain product to sound 'magical', pushing the envelope as far as you possibly can, turning a somewhat mundane product into something that has that WOW! Factor - but beware that doing that is a fine balance, when trying to connect with a very broad base of international readers and visitors to your site.

For a wrong word choice, rather than setting off a positive emotional response in someone's mind, could in fact have quite the opposite effect, which is exactly what you don't want to be doing.

Rather defeats the point of the exercise, yes?

The second bullet point down, exactly the same advice again. This just makes no sense at all, no offense.

I know what you are trying to say, but using these words leaves a great deal to be desired.

Keep us updated on how you get on making these required adjustments.

Wishing you all the very best & good luck!

Mark

[jvwinwin]

Very first thing you need to correct is the headline visually. Try to capitalize the first letter of every word there.

"Free Video Uncovers The Ultra Secret Strategy That Helped Gurus Make Millions Last Year..."

It already looks better...

[doc_web]

Great Advice..

Thanks to both of you.

Mark, thanks for taking so much time to critique my page.

I ll get on work, firstly to read the headlines from the copywriting masters.

Thanks

Deepak