2nd Attempt at a sales copy, give me your best shot!

[igorhelpsyousucceed]

Hey guys,

My name is Igor and I am from Israel.

I have just finished my second Draft(first one was total failure)
and now, I would love to get some advice.

But before you rip it apart, please make sure
to provide "specific" guidelines. Please try not to
generalize, it is confusing.

Here's the letter. It is a .pdf since I am yet to set up
a page.

http://igorhelpsyousucceed.com/Mastermind_Letter_2

Thank You in Advance,
Igor

P.S: I am wearing my thickest skin, so do not be gentle

[Paul McQuillan]

Hi Igor,

I am in a bit of a hurry but I see one glaring problem... you
bust your nut in the headline.

You just gave me 0 reason to read on

You must reveal what you are selling and why I need it before you
tell me how much it is.

The "20 year old..." is not likely helping this

NEVER put your offer at the top. Gotta run, I will come back to this
later.

hope that helps a little


Paul

[ghyphena]

Right, these are just my overall impressions:

1. Your headline is confusing. There's no main benefit expressed in the headline apart from the bonus which comes with "this exclusive offer". If I were you I would think about using "this exclusive offer" as your headline's main theme, not the bonuses that come with it.

2. English isn't your first language, is it? From the pre-head ("Research-a-holic", not "Researcher-o-holic"... even "research-a-holic" is a bit dodgy...) and all the way through, the sales letter is in broken English (translating word-for-word back to Hebrew I can see what you were thinking but in English it is massively grammatically incorrect) and is difficult to follow.

3. I've seen this "I was where you are story" so many times now that it bounces right off me. I just care about what you're offering and why I should listen to you and not the next guy.

4. Leading on from 3, I'm not convinced that you are credible. Maybe it's in there somewhere, and point 2 is getting in the way, but I couldn't find it.

5. Your "character" - are you a Ukrainian Immigrant or are you a Soon-To-Be-Electronics-Engineer-Specialist? Having both is confusing. (Are if you are an Electronics Engineer Specialist, so what? If you were to say "Blind & Deaf Retard" then I would think "aahh, anybody can make this work"... but Engineer? Ma Zeh Kashur?)

6. You know that only 20% will respond to your offer? Anybody who's studied marketing for more than three seconds will know that that's insane... of course you're not going to get 20% of the people to respond to your offer... and, if you say that, you've just lost whatever credibility you've built up in the rest of the letter.

7. "Guru" is a dirty word in IM. Nobody wants to be a "guru". IM "Guru's" teach but can't do and leech money selling rehashed ebooks about Clickbank Affiliate Marketing. That's the IM perception of the word "Guru".

Hope that helps.

Gil-Ad

[igorhelpsyousucceed]

Thanks for both replies, going to fix it.

Someone else wants to take a shot?

[igorhelpsyousucceed]

I have changed my Pre-head and head line to this:

Important announcement to every internet marketing business owner who secretly knows his profits suck!“

“Never Before Seen Report Reveals How Even A Newbie Can Double His Profits In 30 Days Or Less”

Read on to discover how to increase productivity, eliminate procrastination, outperform competition and double profits using power of thought.

What do you think? Better than the old one?

Igor

[Paul McQuillan]

Igor- did you write that? It is about a million times better and more
appropriate a headline.