Offline sales letter- need some pointers

[dean mcevoy]

Hey there everyone


im getting ready to start my own offline efforts but need some help with the sales letter, the start is reallt bugging me.

thanks a lot

Mcevoy Marketing

[Loren Woirhaye]

If you were a business owner would any aspect of this
letter persuade you to pick up the phone and pay
the guy who sent it to you $1500 (I'm guessing at
the exchange rate) ?

Business owners get solicited all the time. This one
will go in the trash. There's a lot to fixing it. I would
say you should hire a copywriter or write at least 3 more
drafts, starting from scratch each time and using a
different approach.

[Hugh Thyer]

Hey Dean

Its hard to put my finger on exactly what's wrong with it, but it really misses the mark. I didnt like your headline. I'm not sure it will connect. Grab a list of great headlines. Modelling this one "The Amazing Cash-Flow Secret Of A Desperate Nerd From Ohio".

If you know of other businesses who have made a dramatic difference using email then weave your sales letter around that. I have heard of a fish and chip shop that collected email addresses of customers, then emailed them the afternoon of the slowest day of the week with a great special and it became the busiest night of the week. Look for an unusual story, but one that makes the prospect think "If THEY can do it, so can I!".

Don't worry about your figures to prove the point. I got bogged down in them. Far better to PROVE your case, because without proof your numbers dont really mean anything because there's no reason to assume they're real.

Put a grabber on it too. For example, a teabag. To see how to structure the opening just google "As you can see I have attached" and you'll find heaps of examples of how to use it.

Also, from a marketing funnel point of view, to ask them for 750 pounds straight up is too tough an ask. You need some sort of sequence. I'd suggest you offer a free audit to show them at least 3 ways that email can help them grow their business.

[dean mcevoy]

Originally Posted by Hugh Thyer

Hey Dean

Its hard to put my finger on exactly what's wrong with it, but it really misses the mark. I didnt like your headline. I'm not sure it will connect. Grab a list of great headlines. Modelling this one "The Amazing Cash-Flow Secret Of A Desperate Nerd From Ohio".

If you know of other businesses who have made a dramatic difference using email then weave your sales letter around that. I have heard of a fish and chip shop that collected email addresses of customers, then emailed them the afternoon of the slowest day of the week with a great special and it became the busiest night of the week. Look for an unusual story, but one that makes the prospect think "If THEY can do it, so can I!".

Don't worry about your figures to prove the point. I got bogged down in them. Far better to PROVE your case, because without proof your numbers dont really mean anything because there's no reason to assume they're real.

Put a grabber on it too. For example, a teabag. To see how to structure the opening just google "As you can see I have attached" and you'll find heaps of examples of how to use it.

Also, from a marketing funnel point of view, to ask them for 750 pounds straight up is too tough an ask. You need some sort of sequence. I'd suggest you offer a free audit to show them at least 3 ways that email can help them grow their business.

Thanks mate, great advice iv already started to act on.
by the way iv just signed up for your list.

[Bill Jeffels]

Originally Posted by dean mcevoy

Hey there everyone


im getting ready to start my own offline efforts but need some help with the sales letter, the start is reallt bugging me.

thanks a lot

Mcevoy Marketing

Hey Dean,

Ya, I agree with Hugh, you could use a grabber. Money is always a good one. When you make your mailing make sure you just use plain white envelopes, a real stamp, your name in the corner and your prospects name out front.

You should "Z" fold your letter and make sure you put the letter facing the back of the envelope so your headline is the first thing that your prospect will see.

If you don't want to use money use a good headline and a great story, something like this...


Want to make more money?...

How To Flood Your Business
With More Customers Than
You Cand Handle

Top advertising expert reveals
how you can make more money
with your existing customers

Dear friend

Did that headline get your attention?. I bet it did. Don't laugh it could happen. So, how do you get more customers to patronize your business. You get the ones that have already been there to come back. That's where I come in.

Hi my name is Dean Mcevoy and I've discovered something that will increase your customer value and put extra money in your bank account. What is this that I'm talking about?. It's your E-mail.

Yes, your E-mail. You see when you have your customers E-mail address you get to build a reltationship with them. You just don't E-mail them and say "come and buy my stuff". No . You offer them useful information and tips related to your business, and when you do have something to offer, it's easier for you to get them to come back to your store. You get to know your customers on a personal basis and then your bank account will begin to sky rocket with more money.

Why?. Because people like to do business with people they know and trust. Also, E-mail is very cost effective and you can keep in contact with hundreds or even thousands of your customers. There's only one catch.

You have to know what to say in those E-mails.

This is my specialty... Etc...Etc...Etc...

Dean, then go into why your the man to do the job, what else is in it for them. Someone mentioned price justification. If you have to, you could offer them a free consultation.

Hope that helps out.

Bill Jeffels

[MarkAndrews IMCopywriting]

Good morning Dean.

Re: Mcevoy Marketing

I fear with your approach here, you will be completely wasting your time, in fact I would go as far to say that I think your conversion rate with this approach, is going to be less than 0.01%.

You want it straight up yes?

Scrap that sales letter straightaway.

Figuratively, screw it up into a little ball and chuck it straight into the rubbish bin and start over from scratch again.

From the very first word, right the way through to the very last paragraph, this sales copy just doesn't cut it at all, no offense.

You need to understand your target audience first and their reasons for possibly wanting to buy into your product and/or solution.

Judging by the sales letter, any and all credibility will be lost instantly - certainly this sales copy will not inspire any confidence at all, that you are in any position to help out any business in today's economic slow down, from a marketing perspective.

It's difficult to tell you any singular factor that is wrong with this sales copy, as the whole lot is just completely riddled with fatal errors all the way through.

One can only glean from this, that writing or marketing for that matter, is not essentially your strongest point. (No offense)

If you are set within your mind continuing with this, I would say to you to hire a copywriter for yourself from the get go - I'm not suggesting that this is necessarily myself, just that everything and I mean everything, needs to be revamped completely from scratch.

Also if you do intend to market and advertise this online, move away from Blogger.com - at the very least use Wordpress, and get a more corporate design theme before you do anything else.

I'd possibly be interested to see as a copywriter, what is on the backend of this supposed offer too, the actual content of it.

What more can I say? I'm sorry.

Hopefully you will see the wisdom in starting completely afresh.

Good luck.

Mark