A little bribe for your critique, fair enough?

Hi Gordon,

I don't see any proof elements in your sales page at all.

Since I know you, I'm inclined to believe much or all of what you claim. However, someone coming cold to this page who has a skeptical bent encounters nothing whatsoever that backs up your points.

You need some or all of the following:

* Testimonials from named users of your information or, even better, well-known people

* Credible and specific evidence for your earnings claims

* Proof that your methods work now and not just one or two decades ago

* Clarification of who pays for these "hotsheets" - are they sold directly to the public (and if so, will you be covering all the necessary marketing knowledge needed to do that) or to writing clients (and if so, what are some examples)?

I also do not see a money-back guarantee.

In short, there's little here to inspire confidence in strangers. You could make some sales from this page to those who have endless hope but not to anyone who has the slightest degree of skepticism.

Marcia Yudkin

Hi Gordon,

Here are my thoughts (in no specific order)...

1) If you're going to use a "news-style" headline, then the picture should match. I'd rather see a picture of you sitting at your computer writing those "short paragraphs" than a fish-eye lens shot of your eyes. (It sort of looks like the kind of photos they use to sell "new age" or hypnosis products.)

2) I'd rather see the headline span the top of the page. That way, the headline would become the focal point -- rather than your picture.

3) Don't crowd the bullets with single line spacing. Put a blank line between them. Those bullets are among the most important copy on the page. Let them breathe.

4) Speaking of bullets... they are all very short. It would be nice to add a kicker to a couple of them. (You know, a bit of extra explanation.)

5) The letter has a salutation, but no signature block. That, to me, makes it seem unfinished. (Either remove the salutation or add a sig block.)

6) I don't like the paragraph at the end. ALL CAPS IS VERY HARD TO READ, ISN'T IT?

7) Why is the bonus subhead bigger? It looks odd.

8) Why is the paragraph below the fall 2014 bonus subhead centered? It should be left-justified.

9) I REALLY dislike the medium blue background. Black, dark blue, or even white might be a better choice.

OK, those are the things that hit me right away.

Now, let's look at the beginning copy...

"Ohio Man Reveals How to Make Money Writing Short Paragraphs."

No period, please.

"Discloses little known angle for writers to get top pay for their writing, even beginners."

It seems a bit too abbreviated. It's not a classified ad. You can be a bit more verbose.

Punctuation: little-known.

"Start Your High Paying Writing Career Today"

Why is this blue? Too many colors can make copy seem amateurish.

"If you can write a sentence in plain English you can cash in with simple to write Hotsheets."

Needs punctuation: simple-to-write and a missing coma after English.

Also... what's a "hotsheet"? You don't explain until quite a bit later. Rather than create curiosity, I think it creates confusion.

"A writer's dream; quick and easy writing that pays."

Again, WHAT is a dream? You haven't really explained it, yet.

"Highly recommended!"

This seems like a random exclamatory sentence. Sheer, pointless puffery. As you know, if copy doesn't help, it hurts. I think this hurts your sale.

This sales letter is rather short, unfinished, and seems like a rough draft. I think it still needs work and attention to detail. But it IS a great start.

Hope that helps,

John

P.S. Marcia did a good job of covering the major points: proof, authority, offer, and clarity.

"If you are one of the first to order from this page, you will receive a FREE 20 minute phone consultation with the author, Gordon Jay Alexander. You can either Skype Gordon or call him directly."

Who is Gordon, and why would I want a consultation with him?

We on the board know why, but your page visitors won't. You should probably flesh that part out.

Also, you might want to use a form instead of posting your email address like that. It's an invitation to spam bots.

I'm new here and to copywriting so I can't help with any specifics. However I think I'm pretty close to your target market. Beginner, enjoys writing and needs some extra cash. These are some of the thoughts that ran though my head once I finished reading.

What is a HOTSHEET? Is this a term that I should know already? How much money do I need to spend before seeing some results? It sounds a little too easy - how come I haven't heard of this before? If you can copy/paste free information into a hotsheet, is that what I am buying? Something someone just copy and pasted from other resources? I wonder how much he's made doing this. If it's that easy and the market is that hungry why is he not just writing more hotsheets?

Hope that outside perspective helps.

My guess is there's another reason Gordon posted this up.

Everyone so far has been commenting on mechanics. Surely Gordon knows the mechanics of copywriting.

There must be something else he's trying to ascertain. Time to look closer.

- Rick Duris

I don't know if you're still looking for feedback but here's
my take.

There's a problem with believability. You make claims
without any support. Overall I am left with more questions
than answers.

Here's some specifics that jump out at me:

"Highly recommended!"
By whom?

"How a single sheet of paper could earn you $2,000.00 a month "
And Angelina Jolie could show up and give me a lap dance.
If you said, "How a single sheet of paper earned me $X a
month" it would be a lot stronger. Of course if you can't
then the believability problem is a product problem.

"The 9 biggest markets in your area and how to reach them"
What is an area (a niche?) and how do you know I'm in
it?

"how one day projects could make you $2500.00 in less than 30 days"
Angelina again.

On the upside there is a high curiosity factor. If you were to offer
a no strings guarantee I would be inclined to buy it.

Also, this is a really strong statement:
"Our secret is; we write very short paragraphs for very high pay"

But it's buried. I can see the headline being
"Write very short paragraphs for very high pay"

Hope this is useful.

First thoughts:

1. The overall effect is extremely enticing. I was seriously considering buying it (and I may do so).

2. That said, I'm not really sure what it is that's so effective about it. I don't find the headline especially strong, I don't like the visuals that much... There was just something about it, overall, that works.

3. The main thing seems to be that it's very clear about the potential for big earnings, AND that the work involved is not too complicated. I like the "bestseller-level money" thing. I also like the "if you can write simple sentences you can make money" part. It reminds me of the AWAI sales letter for the 6 figure copywriting course.

4. I also like the offer, re: the free 20 minute session.

5. The biggest things I'd change: the headline, the picture, and maybe the color scheme. Overall I think it's quite good though, "all the elements' are clearly there.

Just a few other thoughts as I read it. I would add some more action words in the bullets to give them more impact.

For example:


Original

Here are a few ideas you'll find in this special report:

How to write information that sells.
How a single sheet of paper could earn you $2,000.00 a month .
Sources of FREE, ready-to-use information to create a HOTSHEET.
How to make your HOTSHEET a digital cash cow .

Becomes:

Here are just a few of the proven techniques you'll find in this elite special report:

How to quickly write amazingly useful information that consistently sells.
How just a single sheet of paper could earn you $2,231.00 a month. (hard to believe but true)
Sources of FREE, ready-to-use information that you can turn into a specific lucrative product
Proven ways to make your information a digital wealth producing "cash cow" .


To me the term HOTSHEET doesn't mean anything. I can't describe it. It doesn't excite me at all, but perhaps your target market does. Don't know, I didn't spend much time.

You know what a HOTSHEET is, you've been exposed to them. You know who I am and how I've used HOTSHEETS.

Perhaps you are on my list of BUYERS. A list I started building ONLINE in 1986. Yea, we were selling stuff online back then, but it was only computer pieces parts and/or instructions on how to build, upgrade, and use computers.

I may have written the first spam which worked, my How to Start a Cult for Fun and Profit created quite the firestorm on bbs in early 90's, pre www.

I wasn't a "Sanford Wallace", but I had been making money online since 1986, the Cult report was my first foray into DIGITAL marketing, selling only electrons, reports which were NOT related to computers (although the report actually was targeted to the geeks of the day).

The question I always ask is WHO is the intended reader, the target market?

Where do you INTERSECT with this person? What is on their mind?

Then, I ask this question of myself; What is the right STIMULUS to evoke a response, does it have emotional impact.

I believe this Stimulus/Response model is very useful when trying to predict human behavior, especially if there is a track record for success.

Anyhow, thanks to all who gave some great advice, this thread alone presents a mini-course in copywriting.

The promotion was run in the late 1990's and got traction in 2001, once we had set up a popular business forum where discussions about HOTSHEETS took place. It was one of my more successful promotions in selling electrons.

Even in 2001, it had the "old" 1997 look to it. Only difference is I changed the date to 2014 and the bonus, which was a "chat room" offer back then.

Thanks to everyone, I hope you use the Stimulus/Response model in your copywriting.

Be sure to ASK who will read it, when, where and what Response you want, when designing copy, it seems to work pretty well.

gjabiz