Copywriting Critique Results

Hey guys, I have some results and would like your input on how to improve it.

Previous post is here http://www.warriorforum.com/copywrit...ue-please.html

Attached you'll find the final iteration of the letter I mailed to some expired listings. These were the most recent expired listings (All within 6 months) for apartment buildings in my area. I did some list cleaning because I didn't want to mail to owners who were hidden behind LLCs and/or couldn't find their home address to mail to.

(Any recommendations on how to find owners names, addresses and numbers would be greatly appreciated because every agent in my office is an idiot and doesn't know how to find it.)

Stats

Number Mailed: 20

Package Contents: FedEx Envelope, Dollar Bill Letter, Manila Envelope, 35 page booklet on how to sell your apartment building, designed to look like a Dummies Guide (Cost Per Piece:$13.26 delivered)

Offer: Call Me to discuss finally selling your property

Response Mechanism: Phone Only

Inbound Response: 2 Inbound emails (1 landlord literally googled me to find my email and said how awesome my piece was, one used the email in my booklet and say he liked it and it was original and interesting, one inbound call and again, rave review and said "I get BS from agents all the time you wouldn't believe it, but yours was very original.)

Outbound Response: One Very Warm Response on follow-up

Total Response: 4 positive responses or 20% (15% inbound)

(I know I know, you don't deposit response rates you deposit dollars)

(Interesting piece of data: Every response came from someone with at least 10 units. I'm not sure if that's worth using as a data selection going forward as I did mail such a small # that 20 pieces isn't statistically significant, nor is my response rate.

I'm also worried that by haphazardly selecting names to use due to the fact I couldn't find a home address, might make my data useless going forward.)

I have three ways I think I can improve this and I would appreciate hearing from you guys about expanding the mailing.

1. I need a stronger offer. I explained in the booklet about a free "Apartment Property Audit" where I pitch it as a blending of pricing, economic analysis and gut feeling and whatever. But I didn't put that in the letter, so it was wrong to assume that everyone will read the booklet.

I also think that just saying "Call me" is weak because as Dan Kennedy says, I am scaring them by not explaining what's going to happen when they call. Any ideas on how to make this more palatable and less scary would be welcomed.

2. Secondary response mechanism. I heard Halbert say before to only use the phone option so that's what I did, but seeing as 2 guys went out of their way to email me and only one called me, I think maybe offering both options (phone and email) is a good idea.

3. All of the inbound responses, while nice to hear, gave me no deals. One guy said he is keeping his building as he fixed the issues causing him to want to sell before, one guy is about to sign the contract to sell his building (already found a buyer himself) but wants me to rep him on the buy side, and one dude offered me a listing but again, he already had contracts out on the property, and the property I contacted him about, he said he is not going to sell yet but will speak to me about that later.

Is this something to worry about, or chalk it up simply to situational things?

I do have 3 potential future clients for buying and selling, all of which have extremely good impressions of me so that's good but I want to start getting deals obviously.

And finally, I am definitely going to send this out to prospects that go farther back (Top residential agent at my office said he does telemarketing to expired listings from up to 5 years ago) but I am looking to expand this to regular landlords not necessarily looking to sell.

As Halbert said, most things you mail don't even have a pulse and you should abandon them immediately, but this seems to have a very strong pulse.

As such, I am looking to begin mailing this piece (obviously changed to a lead generation piece vs stressing the expired angle) and offer my booklet as a lead generation magnet and then follow up.

However, right now I can mail 500 pieces at $8.50 (Dollar Bill and FedEx, no book) in order to generate leads, but to spend $25.50 for a 3 step campaign is cost prohibitive.

Any recommendations on how to inexpensively send 2 additional follow up pieces for a 3-step lead generation letter campaign that are somewhat hard hitting like FedEx?

Sorry if I wrote too much information here guys and please let me know if anything is unclear, your help and advice are much appreciated!!!!!!!!!