[Critique request] Please give me your expert and BRUTALLY HONEST opinion.

By the time a person gets to this point they're already thinking how boring your story is and will wonder how much money you're flushing.

So you had some shitty jobs and now you're magically rich... that was a long drawn out story and didn't really relate to anything that came after.

This makes more sense as a headline than the generic thing you have currently.

You think? Because at the start you told me you actually were. Trust gone.

Then again, I have to wonder why I would trust someone who goes $35k into debt. That screams "wishful thinking" which is no fun to work with.

Sure, you could use the story, but the way it is written now doesn't connect the debtness to the "I'm rich now" like you think it does.

You go from talking about making wrong choices > businesses need attention > grew a beard > Here's my product.

You say your product brainwashes visitors. So all that explanation about why businesses need to grab attention, and yet you don't explain how your product brainwashes people.

Then they are. And they're obviously just plugged in and have nothing to do with the product directly. You didn't connect them. You spend more time talking about how nice it is to have money than you do about how exactly your product is great, needed, unique, etc.

I agree with the above. Everything before introducing the product came across like, "I quit my job, was in-debt, didn't know how to make money online... and now for something completely unrelated, here's this product I just released - with zero proof it moves the needle on your conversions."

If you want to talk about being an entrepreneur, that's fine. If you want to talk about how your new product helped you generate more sales in specific projects (which you didn't... but you should,) that's fine. But you better have proof... or do some sort of beta-test campaign and GET proof.

I'd just start off about the product itself. Not your story.

Or...

Immediately demonstrate the product - above the fold - and talk about attention stuff.

What you have right now won't work.

Mark

George,

Don't focus on the story as much as the benefits. Take your product and list every benefit you can think of first; that is a super, important step. You can't override that or skimp on it.

Then take the main benefit and see how you can make people curious enough to read about it. That will be your headline.

However, before you do anything at all, you need to list and think about every benefit your product legitimately has. That will make your copy a lot easier to write, and if you hire someone to write for you, having that list to give to your writer will be very valuable to both of you.

God Bless!

ELMO

Thanks for the great feedback!

I have reorganized the salesletter and rewrote the headline and subheadline.

I still need to add more proof elements. While I'm doing that, I have uploaded the updated version (link in first post), in case you want to give further feedback.

Thanks!

George

Hey George, nice work on the landing page.

After I read the headline, I was left wondering... What takes 1 minute? To install it? Set it up? Configure it?

This benefit is in your product name... but not mentioned anywhere else. Maybe you could emphasize how quick and easy you will be up and running (I'd assume it only takes 1 minute to change a crappy, boring old site that would quickly be ignored and tossed into the gutter into a sexy-ass shiny attention grabbing website that leaves visitors impressed and builds trust.)

Also, your headline (at the time of this post) says "STRANGE WordPress plugin WOWs your visitors - and generates opt-ins and sales like crazy, in just 1 minute..."

What's strange about it? I'm left wondering what is so strange... (and the word strange, weird, and odd are never mentioned again)

But I see what you did there. It's an attention grabbing device.

What about something like:

"Here's how you can turn your ugly Wordpress site into a sexy, money making machine... and it only takes one minute to set up"

"Is your WordPress site BUTT UGLY? Here's a way to turn it into a sexy conversion MACHINE in 60 seconds or less."

Also, typo: ammateur -> amateur

Justin

I think you lack a compelling headline to make people want to read your ad.

A headline is like an advertisement for your advertisement. Why should they read your ad in the first place?

If your ad does not get read, it might as well not exist at all.

Thanks for the feedback, I appreciate it!

I have reworded the headline, and added a demo of the effect above the fold. Hopefully, this will make the message clearer.

Ewen: I don't have to beat anyone - there's space for many different solutions. That said, I will work on the ad copy more. Thanks again! :-)

George

Thanks Elmo...

I have modified the salesletter even more. I have also changed the design so it's slightly more "modern" and so it doesn't look as "salesy."

What do you guys think now?

Thanks!

George

Quick impression:

Didn't even realize the headline was a headline. Didn't look at the big green bar until my internal voice asked why on earth you lead in with a video.

I'm looking purely above the fold, because frankly you've done nothing to catch my interest at this point.

So in those few precious seconds you have to catch my attention, you've got two videos competing with each other (demo, then the other video). In between that, some mediocre copy that really just reads as BS claims.

I don't even scroll down to see what the rest of your story is.

NEXT.

Hi, Angie!

Ok, I have edited the page, based on your feedback.

Feel free to check again, if you want.

Thanks!

George

Hi George,

Don't start your letter with a question. You lost me immediately.

Because you are needing to show immediately what makes your product any different than the tons of others out there here is a little flow you could use.

Use a strong headline that is completely buyer focused. E.g

Finally A Software Solution Anyone Can Use

This Super Simple Software will skyrocket your conversions, engage your audience and do it in seconds flat.
Create your own _ _ _ and look like a professional in record time, with no learning curve. so, any one can use it.
Demo Video- Buy Button. Start your letter.

Edit" Under the demo video show a page created with the plugin then go into the letter. Remember that your product is the solution you want them to go for so hammer on the pain points. using costly designers or outdated software, turnaround times, low conversion rates, all the things people struggle with.

When I went through the letter I had a hard time doing so.

Check out some other sites that have similar things for sale plugins etc.. research is always good when writing
/Edit
You are going to have to use more than words and do it immediately so use a demo

One of the best ways to sell is to use a story, a lot of people struggle with technical stuff, so one hammer point would be there is no learning curve. Then, to ensure that is true, you have step by step user videos.

Just a thought.
I wish you all the best with it man
-WD

George, have a look at these two videos by Eben Pagan.


... and take notes.

Then apply them.

Doing this will fix 80-90% of your sales letter.

Justin

Thanks for the feedback!

I have restructured the above-the-fold section, based on the new feedback.

Since I have received feedback from people who tell me different things, I obviously can't follow all advice at the same time.

However, you all give me food for thought and I THINK the page looks better now.

Feel free to take another look.

Question: Do you think the below-the-fold area "works"? Or do I need to change something specific?

Thanks!

George

Thanks for the feedback, Bill!

I feel the below-the-fold copy is pretty well "broken up", with subheads that stand out, changing between gray and white backgrounds, and using pictures where appropriate. But I'll keep your comment in mind.

Regarding the above-the-fold part: I have simplified it by now having only a headline and subheadline, took the most "benefit-laden" parts and put them together as the headline, and then included the rest as a subheadline with smaller font.

Thanks again!

George

Terrible.

Where's the "Big Idea" - the "hook"?

It's not this lame head - "Simple WordPress plugin attracts more traffic, optins and sales, in a NEW way - even if you're a complete beginner..."

For starters, who are you talking to? Who is your target audience?

WHY should internet marketers use your product? Know how many WP Plugins there are? Thousands and thousands. If you Google " Wordpress plugins for internet marketing" you'll get some clues on how to present your offer. Like this one - http://optinskin.com (no affiliation/nothing to do with me)

You'll see his head is "Add gorgeous opt-in forms and social share boxes to your blog in seconds"

Scroll down and you get
"8 Reasons This is the Most Important Plugin Your Blog is Missing"

More Traffic + Higher Conversions = More $



and then -
"How OptinSkin Can Pay for Itself in the Next 15 Minutes"

Our Plugin was Built to Convert


George, that whole page of yours is a trainwreck. Get yourself a decent writer. Stick with what you do best.

Listen to Angie and Mal.

This exercise isn't working.

If you believe in your product... and you think it's better than some of the other WP plugins out there, hire a writer that can hit you a potential home run. At this rate, you're just going from crappy offer to the next - with no end in sight. Mal's right, you've got NO hook. The whole thing needs to be redone.

Let me put it like this...

If I posted something here for everyone to critique, I wouldn't be rushing to make changes. You have to sift through everything and see what resonates the most. You have to discern what advice you think will actually convert. But you've been following lots of different advice. And it's not helping your cause of crafting a potential control. Far from it.

Get off the carousel.

Mark

Thanks everyone for the advice - I appreciate it!

George