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what do you think of my sales copy and web page

by RAJ Wells
7 replies
HI guys

what do you think of my sales copy and web page
please be honest

Job Seekers

Get your StarSigns E-Book!

#copy #page #sales #web
  • Profile picture of the author lharding
    The headline is a little difficult to follow. Not sure on the "Blowing Past" part, may work depending on country maybe.

    This New Guide is Not Like Anything You've Seen On the Market Today. Most of the Information is Written By Resume Writers and People Out of Touch With What It Takes In 2009 To Get A Job Quickly.
    Is this referring to your product... it reads that way. Are you saying your product is written by people out of touch with...

    Statistically, 2009 is More Difficult to Get A Job Than At Any Point In The Last 50 Years!
    Not sure that can be the case as 2009 is still going, perhaps you should reference the last 12 months or something like that (which may also mean you sales page won't need changing when we move years... assuming this recession lasts 5 years).

    put you head and shoulders above the highly competitive job market
    This doesn't sound right. Probably you need to say something like head and shoulders above your competition (or others competing for the same job as you).

    drastically increase your learning curve
    I would think you're looking to decrease your clients learning curve. Nobody wants an increased learning curve.

    It shows that you are out of touch and that be evident to a hiring manager before he even looks at your resume.
    perhaps, "that will be evident"

    knowledge of how business or healthcare or any other industry is operating
    Do you really want to reference healthcare here... who mentioned healthcare, are you helping healthcare experts?

    Are You Going To Toil In Unemployment?
    toil implies hard work, by definition unemployment is not hard work.

    Your P.S. is harsh, not sure it gives the right signals.

    I didn't read it all, sorry.

    Cheers, Lee.
    Signature
    Lee Harding
    The Architect
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    • Profile picture of the author Loren Woirhaye
      Star signs book:

      Lose the starry background. It's distracting.

      The copy... well - because your product is inexpensive
      it may work for you. I'd be pessimistic if you were trying
      to get more than $10 for your product.

      If you are committed to writing your own copy you really
      need to read the copywriting classics (and I advise you
      to pick up at least one Herschell Gordon Lewis copywriting
      book), stop emulating the copy churned-out for cheesy
      resell rights products, and start respecting the intelligence
      of your readers.

      When you try to make scarcity out of something that doesn't
      seem that hot (and this doesn't) it just turns readers off.
      Signature
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  • Profile picture of the author David Raybould
    RAJ-

    Your copy definitely needs work before
    it will convert consistently.

    I only had a spare moment to look, but
    here are some pointers:

    Prehead: This is where you want to call
    out to the people you're targeting. Your
    prehead does that a little, but it's weak.
    You need to give them a reason to get
    sucked into your letter. Entice them.
    What's there isn't enticing.

    Headline: Way too wordy. How to and how
    to again in the same sentence doesn't work.
    What's worse, most readers will realise it
    doesn't work, and that's going to undermine
    your credibility.

    Get rid of the images of the a4 sheets. They
    serve no purpose, and that area of the page
    is way too valuable to throw away on pointless
    images.

    Subhead: As lharding says, it really does seem
    like you're saying that most of the info in your
    product is written by people that are out of
    touch. That sentence is going to kill your
    conversions stone dead unless you fix it.

    Body copy: Your sentences are generally too
    long. They're uncomfortable to read, and your
    readers won't bother. And if they aren't reading,
    they certainly aren't buying.

    Also, trying using more white space on the page.
    Break your text up, so it's not just in big blocks.
    The blocks look intimidating, and again, people
    won't bother to read them.

    The final thing about the body copy, is that it's
    too long... or maybe I should say too boring.

    Don't get me wrong- I'm well aware of the benefits
    of long copy over short, but in this case, the copy
    itself just doesn't have the strength to hold the
    reader interest for that long.

    Sorry.

    There's plenty more, but that's all I have
    time for RAJ.

    Good luck with it.

    -David Raybould
    Signature
    Killer Emails. Cash-spewing VSLs. Turbocharged Landing Pages.

    Whatever you need, my high converting copy puts more money in your pocket. PM for details. 10 years experience and 9 figure revenues.
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    • Profile picture of the author RAJ Wells
      thanks guys for some good advice. Do any of you have a sales page that converts well that I could have look to get an idea for layout and presentation?

      Also do you know of any good copywriters on the forum. Im looking at possibly outsourcing this

      thanks again for such detailed responses
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  • Profile picture of the author David Raybould
    Raj-

    Most of the guys in this area of the
    forum are copywriters.

    Just check out some signature links.

    That will give you an idea of pages
    that convert too.

    -David Raybould
    Signature
    Killer Emails. Cash-spewing VSLs. Turbocharged Landing Pages.

    Whatever you need, my high converting copy puts more money in your pocket. PM for details. 10 years experience and 9 figure revenues.
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    • Profile picture of the author Captain Dave
      Raj,
      my first impression is that on your header graphic, I would change the name from your website to something more appealing.
      Also, the art of editing could lend itself well in this situation. For a $10.00 product, it would be great if you could cut about half of your copy down.
      I wish you success.
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  • Profile picture of the author webbusiness23
    About: resumecvebook.com

    I think you should pay someone to create a unique logo so you can stand in front of other thousands of sites that sell products similar to yours.
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