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I just analyzed a new headline and got this...

by ThePromotionalGuy
19 replies
I was over at Advanced Marketing Institutes website to practice creating headlines to see if I could raise my percentage on my Emotional Marketing Value (EMV) words.

After hours of testing and rewriting my headlines the analyzer returned an EMV score of 90% on my final headline.

Here is the headline:

"Dramatically Increase Direct Response Sales Using
Woody's Targeted Business Letters"

The target for the sales letters are in the Legal fields.

Because I am anal about testing, real eyes give better feedback than a website's analyzer. So I'd like to hear from the group.

Slice it, dice it and squeeze the hell out of it. Spare no opinion. I want to hear your feedback, especially from the veterans who know how to cut open the jugular but leave no trace they were ever present.

UPDATE: Please note I'm not 100% sold on this headline. I found it ironic that in it's current wording it scored 90% for emotional marketing value. If I respond to your post please respond back.

I want your feedback but as Ewen as done, he has provided solid proof. Don't just say it's weak. Tell me why it's weak. I can't improve unless you are very specific.
#analyzed #headline
  • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
    Here's my thoughts Woody...

    No...

    Evidence it has already worked

    Evidence it has worked for my type of practice

    Specific numbers to create more belief

    Evidence it costs nothing to implement
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------
    I say evidence because that's what a trial attorney
    is trained to look for.

    Here's how using those points would look like,
    for example...

    ------------------------------------------------------------------
    Injury Attorneys Lift Client Fees By X, X, X,
    Without Spending A Dime More On Marketing
    -------------------------------------------------------------------

    Best,
    Doctor E. Vile
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    • Profile picture of the author ThePromotionalGuy
      Ewen,

      Great feedback! Thank you.

      Question: In your neck of the woods is the word Lift more commonly used in the place of Raise?

      In your example you use the word "Lift". In the US we use the word "Raise" rather that Lift.

      The way your example is written I interrupt it to mean clients are not being charged.

      Originally Posted by ewenmack View Post

      Here's my thoughts Woody...

      No...

      Evidence *it has already worked

      Evidence it has worked for my type of practice

      Specific numbers to create more belief

      Evidence it costs nothing to implement
      ------------------------------------------------------------------------
      I say evidence because that's what a trial attorney
      is trained to look for.

      Here's how using those points would look like,
      for example...

      --------------------------------------------------------------
      Injury Attorneys Lift Client Fees By X, X, X,
      Without Spending A Dime On Marketing
      ---------------------------------------------------------------

      Best,
      Doctor E. Vile
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      • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
        You got in quick Woody, so quick that I had added More
        to the headline which implies there is no new marketing inititive.
        Off course with the jump in response you give em',
        your fees are paid for out of the windfall profits
        and you'd explain that in your copy.

        I used the term fees because that's the term they use and think about most.

        Sure, change the word lift to what sounds right
        for your audience.

        Best,
        Doctor E. Vile


        Originally Posted by ThePromotionalGuy View Post

        Ewen,

        Great feedback! Thank you.

        Question: In your neck of the woods is the word Lift more commonly used in the place of Raise?

        In your example you use the word "Lift". In the US we use the word "Raise" rather that Lift.

        The way your example is written I interrupt it to mean clients are not being charged.
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        • Profile picture of the author ThePromotionalGuy
          Ewen

          Another question addressing the no evidence.

          In what instance would you have the proof be in a subhead and not the headline?

          Originally Posted by ewenmack View Post

          You got in quick Woody, so quick that I had added More
          to the headline which implies there is no new marketing inititive.
          Off course with the jump in response you give em',
          your fees are paid for out of the winfall profits
          and you'd explain that in your copy.

          I used the term fees because that's the term they use and think about most.

          Sure, change the word lift to what sounds right
          for your audience.

          Best,
          Doctor E. Vile
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          • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
            Originally Posted by ThePromotionalGuy View Post

            Ewen

            Another question addressing the no evidence.

            In what instance would you have the proof be in a subhead and not the headline?
            If you feel you have to go that way,
            you probably haven't got the headline as tight as it could be.

            Best,
            Doctor E. Vile
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            • Profile picture of the author ThePromotionalGuy
              Ewen,

              Thank you sir. As a rule of thumb I would agree but like anything in copywriting there are always exceptions. Didn't know if you could think of any.

              Originally Posted by ewenmack View Post

              If you feel you have to go that way,
              you probably haven't got the headline as tight as it could be.

              Best,
              Doctor E. Vile
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              • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
                Originally Posted by ThePromotionalGuy View Post

                Ewen,

                Thank you sir. As a rule of thumb I would agree but like anything in copywriting there are always exceptions. Didn't know if you could think of any.
                On further thought but not applicable to your submission,
                using the Pre-head certainly can be used as who it's for or
                a authority quote about the writer.

                Best,
                Doctor, E. Vile
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                • Profile picture of the author ThePromotionalGuy
                  Ewen,

                  Why didn't I think of that? I should know better. I recently rewrote a pre-heading for an individual.

                  Thank you sir. Sometimes it takes fresh eyes...

                  Originally Posted by ewenmack View Post

                  On further thought but not applicable to your submission,
                  using the Pre-head certainly can be used as who it's for or
                  a authority quote about the writer.

                  Best,
                  Doctor, E. Vile
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  • Profile picture of the author colmodwyer
    "Direct Response" can probably be deleted and improve this headline.

    Also, "Woody's" is a bit of a stumbling block for me too, just because it doesn't mean too much.
    Signature
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    • Profile picture of the author Mikesweeney
      I just plugged in the headline to one of John Carlton's Biggest Ads. Only got 21%. Hmmm...

      I would probably stay away from this...
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      • Profile picture of the author ThePromotionalGuy
        Mike,

        Great feedback. Thank you.

        Which one of Carlton's ads are you referring to?

        Originally Posted by Mikesweeney View Post

        I just plugged in the headline to one of John Carlton's Biggest Ads. Only got 21%. Hmmm...

        I would probably stay away from this...
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        • Profile picture of the author Mikesweeney
          Originally Posted by ThePromotionalGuy View Post

          Mike,

          Great feedback. Thank you.

          Which one of Carlton's ads are you referring to?
          No prob. "The Astonishing Sex Secrets Of The Most Satisfied...Most Knowledgeable...And Most Respected Lovers In The World!"

          Maybe if I plugged in one of his headlines that told a story (in the headline) like the "One Legged Golfer" or "Skinny Genius" it would score better as far as emotional words go.
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          • Profile picture of the author ThePromotionalGuy
            Mike,

            Oh that ad....

            Do we really need an analyzer score for this?

            Thank you sir.

            Originally Posted by Mikesweeney View Post

            No prob. "The Astonishing Sex Secrets Of The Most Satisfied...Most Knowledgeable...And Most Respected Lovers In The World!"

            Maybe if I plugged in one of his headlines that told a story (in the headline) like the "One Legged Golfer" or "Skinny Genius" it would score better as far as emotional words go.
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            • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
              In the Attorney market, they have been pounded
              by Internet marketing services and have a extraordinary
              strong defense to block anything that hints of
              B.S.

              My friend markets to them and he has a focus group
              of them to get an inside story what they have to
              put up with and the way they think.

              Using emotion on them is a turn off.
              They'll be thinking, why are you doing that,
              must have a weak case.

              As I said before, the key word is evidence.
              Use a unbreakable chain of logic
              where the introduction of a new idea comes in.

              They are the only group in society trained to look
              for holes in what you say.

              Best,
              Doctor, E. Vile
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        • Profile picture of the author Mikesweeney
          The One-Legged Golfer Ad scored 25%. Hmmm...

          If only they had software that could rate a good "hook" or "big idea". That's probably what counts the most anyways...
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          • Profile picture of the author Alex Cohen
            The headline as originally constructed has a benefit and a feature... bland.

            Add curiosity (hook, differentiation, incongruency... something) to get the reader thinking to himself, "WTF?".

            Alex
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            • Profile picture of the author ThePromotionalGuy
              Alex,

              Funny in just 2 sentences solid proof. That's what I like about your feedback. Short, sweet and to the point.

              Great feedback. Thank you sir.

              Originally Posted by Alex Cohen View Post

              The headline as originally constructed has a benefit and a feature... bland.

              Add curiosity (hook, differentiation, incongruency... something) to get the reader thinking to himself, "WTF?".

              Alex
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    • Profile picture of the author ThePromotionalGuy
      colmodwyer,

      Great feedback. Thank you.

      I did analyze the phrase "Direct Response" in the headline and removed. When it stays in the headline my EMV score is a solid 90%. When I removed it my score dropped to 71.43%

      As for my name. With it in the headline the EMV score is 90%. Removed it drops to 88.89%

      When removing both "Direct Response" and "Woody" the EMV score drops to 71.43%

      If you have more feedback bring it on.
      Originally Posted by colmodwyer View Post

      "Direct Response" can probably be deleted and improve this headline.

      Also, "Woody's" is a bit of a stumbling block for me too, just because it doesn't mean too much.
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  • Profile picture of the author shawnlebrun
    I almost NEVER see more than 2 lines from Alex.

    And yet, they're usually the 2 most practical and sensible lines posted
    in a lot of threads.

    The man don't play around. he's like a sniper... so damn concise and on
    point without a lot of mess to clean up.
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