Need Help in Choosing a Headline Please...

Brian is brilliant. I wish I had the knack to be that creative and funny at the same time while delivering a great headline.

Ugggh! I'm a Neanderthal.

God Bless, and Merry Christmas!

ELMO

All are good but I think people will want to continue reading your sales copy after reading headline #2 because it states clearly right from the start "The Pain" most people experience when try to make money online.

I think this will this will work much better than the others. That' my opinion though

Brian's is hilarious! I don't see why that one wouldn't work best either. It definitely screams attention!

My sardonic sense of graphical humor seems to be sailing right over my point...

These headlines are carnival barkers... a very common mistake made by rookies and product creators trying to write their own copy without enough study.

Strings of jet-propelled "copywritery" words like you're using instantly repel sensible prospects, leaving you with the worst demographic of IM knuckleheads for buyers.

Prepare your index finger to repeatedly smash the "Issue Refund" button...

"the most powerful, mind numbing system ever created"

Mind numbing? Who wants their mind numbed by a make-money opp?

"an automated Facebook empire on autopilot"

Followed immediately by...

"No gimmicks and no fluff involved!"

The phrase "automated Facebook empire on autopilot" is by definition a gimmick and 100% fluff.

"Tired and broke from all the "magic money making" systems that leave you feeling hollow inside, with nothing more than empty pockets to show for it?"

Potentially workable as a pre-head or later in the lead to agitate the problem. As a headline? No.

"I accidentally stumbled across a passive, money sucking loophole"

A "passive, money-sucking loophole". Now there's something you don't "accidentally stumble across" every day. Seems legit...

"Discover the sneaky system I use to generate $375 per day, on autopilot, with a total of 3 hours of work per month."

Sneaky (minus the buffer of "ethical", "legitimate", "white-hat" or other qualifier) + Income Claim + absurdly small time commitment claim = scammy, spammy, and unbelievable. Would you want Paypal or your merchant account provider's risk assessment team reading this? How about your local Attorney General? Think the FTC would give this a thumbs up?

"These secret money milking techniques"

Cheesy but could be made to play off the FB Cash Cow branding - but it doesn't here... it's left to the reader to connect those dots They won't.

"so easy, you'll feel guilty using them."

You *might* feel guilty... then immediately reassure with a justification.

Listen, I get it. It's a MMO offer called FB Cash Cow for gawd's sake.

Doesn't automatically doom it to purgatory, though.

Stop trying to write "copywriter" copy and talk to your prospect like a HUMAN BEING.

Ohhhhhhhhh now I get it. Heh-heh.

I still liked what ya did with the design.

ELMO

Thanks to all who voted on a headline. I truly appreciate it...

@Brian - I get it. Your a copywriter and I'm not. I realize I open myself up to this sort of criticism when I create a post like this inside the copywriter section of Warrior. You've evidently spent a great deal of time composing your graphic (or using it) which I can appreciate since I have a background in graphic design as well. However, this is the MMO niche were talking about here, which is choked full of these "type" of headlines, and from what I see, seem to work to some extent, judging from sales figures. Most....far worse than the ones I transcribed here.

I appreciate the breakdown, which uncovered numerous flaws within the headlines, however I also believe many of the criticisms to be "reaching" in the way they were dissected. The way at which you approached each sentence, is one that can be applied to just about any headline (or statement) created for MMO. Some I agree on, others seem like a bit of a stretch.

What tone would you take in order to reach the MMO audience more "humanly"? I do believe I am speaking to them like a "human being" and "attempting" to push emotional buttons as well.

Biz op seekers respond best to specifics, so the headline with numbers in it is your best bet.

However, the first part of the headline needs three changes:
1. Add "cents" to the amount
2. Take out commas
3. Make it pithier


The second part of the headline would work better as a subhead, and "you'll feel guilty using them" should be replaced with something compelling.

Alex

MAYBE five minutes in Photoshop, dude...

Heads up - if you want expert help (for FREE), don't get defensive when you get it.

Sneaky, tactic whatever. don't use stuff like that imo it totally takes away from your offer because it smells like bs immediately.

How I crank out 375 dollar paychecks all day long and how you can replicate it instantly.
Instantly start generating real income using this super simple formula

I will take you by the hand and show you exactly how to make real money, with no list, no website and little to no out of pocket expense.


In seconds you will be well on your way to generating the real income you want using this really easy and foolproof system

When writing headlines the toughest thing is getting the right context that will make the reader stop and take notice.Relating the benefit and offer immediately.

In future when asking for help perhaps it is best to be ready for it, it is not a personal thing it is your salesman and if you come to a place where they specialize in making that salesman sell then listen and learn don't react and get upset because it just burns the bridge. Headlines are the toughest part of the letter to get imo

Enjoy your Christmas and Merry Christmas to everyone.
Best,
-WD

Brian is right on the money...

You know when you walk into a furniture store where the sales guys are commissioned and they swarm you like vultures?

Feels slimy.

That's what your headlines feel like.

All fluff, no substance.

You need to find a hook that you can build your message around.

Great stuff guys.
Like the artwork and humor Brian.

I just bought the Adweek
copywriting handbook by Joe Sugarman.

and Triggers. Trying to learn.
This was a great thread.

Just for fun

#3 is the best for me cause it has a lot of pull once you are reading it. Also personally I feel more secure on the way you constructed the statement #3 cause you haven't mention obvious marketing words you used in the first 2.

Keep it simple. And that's number 3.

I will go with #1 cos it's very compelling and not over hyped.

Toughen up, fragile flower. You're making this personal - it's not.

You're supposed to be a direct marketer... a paid advertising champion. Get a grip.

In a headline, every word, every comma, needs to earn its place. Going through the copy with the eye of your most skeptical prospect is a necessary part of the process.

Do you want to make money with this offer or not?

<stomps feet, runs off to bedroom, slamming door behind>

For somebody who's been around here since 2006 you're acting like a petulant noob.

So... You're here for a pat on the back and an attaboy?

Personally I'd rather know it sucks than waste time and money letting it fly. Blunt truth is a million times better than uninformed ass kissing.

I wouldn't use any of them. None of these headlines are believable.

I understand it's the MMO niche, but your headlines are going to put people on high guard.

Here's a simple conditional headline off the top of my head...

If You've Got 3 Hours A Month, I'll Show You How You Can Make $375 A Day With Facebook. Tweak and improve it but that's the general idea.

By using a conditional headline it'll bypass their 'This is BS' response which is exactly what I was thinking when I read all of them.

Of course make sure your product actually delivers, if not change the time frame and the income claim.

# 3 sounds good to me

No. 3 caught my attention and can see it doing well. Dollar figures just tend to make people take notice.