You'll feel like a Buddhist Monk by helping improve my copy

by Mynt
14 replies
Hey folks,

My copy is intended for small business owners and professionals (dentists, psychologists, attorneys, etc).

To compliment my sales calls and door-to-door prospecting, I'm preparing an email and sales letter campaign.

I started an other thread, asking advice for the subject line. Here's what I have for the actual body of the email/letter. Please, critique as harshly as possible.

-------------------------

Hello [last name of prospect],


I'm a web developer and here's how I can grow your business:

  • A website designed to convert targeted traffic.
  • Blog sites that appear on first page of Google (6 new blog sites per month).
  • Twitter and Facebook account set up and management.
  • Branded videos uploaded to YouTube (4 new videos per month).
  • Online press releases, participation in local discussion forums, and other innovative ways to engage your local customers.

Pricing is simple:

  • A One-time fee for website design starting at $350.
  • A monthly fee which includes website content management and all internet marketing (blog sites, SEO, Twitter, YouTube videos, etc) starting at $700 per month - no contract.

Contact me for a free consultation on how I can help grow your business with internet marketing.


All the best,
My name


--------------------------------------

A lot of offline warriors here agree specifying prices is not a good idea. I don't have a track record, and feel far more comfortable giving an idea of the prices (starting prices at least).

I also decided to include specific numbers (ie: "6" blog sites, "4" YouTube videos) -- reason behind it: I feel business owners with little knowledge of the internet will feel more comfortable being told such details in sales letter.

The no contract - I know it's very ill-advised. This will only apply to my first 2-3 clients.

The opening "here's how I can grow your business" -- would really love feedback on this. Besides the subject line, this is possibly the most crucial part of the copy, and I feel it can greatly improve.


Any advice and time out of your busy schedule is greatly appreciated. Thanks!
#buddhist #copy #feel #helping #improve #monk
  • Profile picture of the author Loren Woirhaye
    Hire a copywriter. You're way out of your
    element asking for what you are ($$$) with
    this approach to salesmanship.

    If you won't hire a writer, better throw yourself
    into sales training, because you're going to
    need to be real good at that part of it with
    such an "oh, of course you need my services"
    approach to marketing.
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  • Profile picture of the author Mynt
    Thank you Loren for your reply.

    I'm in a sink or swim situation. I have no money and hiring a copywriter is not an option. That will be my first investment. Until my first client, I'll have do my best and seek help over here.

    I've been studying copywriting. From your reply, my best guest is that I've completely missed communicating the benefits? Perhaps someone else could chime in?

    Also, you could please tell me more about my "oh, of course you need my services" approach. You're right I'm a terrible copywriter, but I'll sink to an even lower level by admitting I have no idea what was meant by that. Would be great to know so I can fix/prevent it.


    Thanks again!
    Signature

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    • Profile picture of the author Darrel Hawes
      Your copy is primarily focused on features, where it should be focused on BENEFITS that the prospect sees as benefits and can understand as such.

      What do they want?

      More leads.

      And more sales.

      They don't care if it takes videos, blogs, articles, or whatever to get it done... unless they are internet-savvy, in which case they aren't a good prospect for you anyway.
      Signature
      Darrel Hawes - Blog
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  • Profile picture of the author Loren Woirhaye
    Well, the more you tell the more you sell. You've told very
    little and my impression is you believe business owners are
    panting for somebody like you to come sweeping into their
    lives and save their businesses with YouTube videos and blogs.

    Here's a newsflash: the aren't

    They, in fact, don't care about those things very much.

    As Darrel says, they want more leads and more sales. The
    methods and gimmicks you use are of minor interest to them.

    Why don't you create "A website designed to convert targeted traffic."
    and send your prospects to that website? Then you can
    convert them into clients with your skills.

    There's nothing like proving you can market your own services
    when you tell people you are a marketing consultant - which
    IS what you are saying, by the way.

    Learn how to sell. Get books on selling. Steep yourself in it.
    The language of selling is the same as the language of copy.

    Fundamentally however what you need to do is secure appointments
    with business owners to try to sell them. This is what your solicitation
    should do. Don't try to sell them on hiring you in the solicitation - sell
    them on giving you the time of day.

    I think you should try cold-calling. As hard as it is to get started
    doing it you'll learn a lot about selling really fast if you do.


    I have several sales books. I have a few CD courses too. I'm
    mostly a copywriter so I have much more stuff on copy and direct
    mail. I learn a lot from reading and studying sales material however -
    because it helps me see more clearly how salesmanship methods
    also work in copy. This comes with time, but if you do it, it will
    come to you as well.

    If you are going to do business for yourself you need to learn
    to sell. It is literally the most valuable skill you can have in terms
    of making money.
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  • Profile picture of the author David Raybould
    Mynt-

    You need to study up a little on
    copywriting.

    Congrats on the first attempt,
    but to be honest I don't think
    this will make money.

    A couple pointers-

    1- Write about your prospect...
    not about yourself. Show them
    what you can do for them. And
    by that I mean the end result...
    Some people will have no idea
    what a blog is, or what the
    implications are of being ranked
    #1 in Google.

    So break it down... tell them
    what they can expect, let them
    picture what it will do for them.

    The more you can make them
    picture their new life, the closer
    they'll be to buying from you.

    2- Get some books on copywriting,
    and work on writing a longer sales-
    letter for your service. It's tougher
    for a lot of people to write a short
    ad such as this, so work on a longer
    one first.

    Any other advice is going to be
    redundant, as you'll really need to
    get to grips with some copy
    fundamentals first.

    Good luck with it.

    -David Raybould
    Signature
    Killer Emails. Cash-spewing VSLs. Turbocharged Landing Pages.

    Whatever you need, my high converting copy puts more money in your pocket. PM for details. 10 years experience and 9 figure revenues.
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  • Profile picture of the author Bill Jeffels
    Originally Posted by Mynt View Post

    Hey folks,

    My copy is intended for small business owners and professionals (dentists, psychologists, attorneys, etc).

    To compliment my sales calls and door-to-door prospecting, I'm preparing an email and sales letter campaign.

    I started an other thread, asking advice for the subject line. Here's what I have for the actual body of the email/letter. Please, critique as harshly as possible.

    -------------------------

    Hello [last name of prospect],


    I'm a web developer and here's how I can grow your business:

    • A website designed to convert targeted traffic.
    • Blog sites that appear on first page of Google (6 new blog sites per month).
    • Twitter and Facebook account set up and management.
    • Branded videos uploaded to YouTube (4 new videos per month).
    • Online press releases, participation in local discussion forums, and other innovative ways to engage your local customers.
    Pricing is simple:

    • A One-time fee for website design starting at $350.
    • A monthly fee which includes website content management and all internet marketing (blog sites, SEO, Twitter, YouTube videos, etc) starting at $700 per month - no contract.
    Contact me for a free consultation on how I can help grow your business with internet marketing.


    All the best,
    My name


    --------------------------------------

    A lot of offline warriors here agree specifying prices is not a good idea. I don't have a track record, and feel far more comfortable giving an idea of the prices (starting prices at least).

    I also decided to include specific numbers (ie: "6" blog sites, "4" YouTube videos) -- reason behind it: I feel business owners with little knowledge of the internet will feel more comfortable being told such details in sales letter.

    The no contract - I know it's very ill-advised. This will only apply to my first 2-3 clients.

    The opening "here's how I can grow your business" -- would really love feedback on this. Besides the subject line, this is possibly the most crucial part of the copy, and I feel it can greatly improve.


    Any advice and time out of your busy schedule is greatly appreciated. Thanks!
    Hey Mynt,

    As soon as your prospect opens their e-mail or their letter they are immediately looking for..."whats in it for me". And how you do that is with lots of benefits, what I see there is features.

    If your targeting dentists, psychologists and lawyers that is a good choice, because they are people with money.

    And yes, you definitely need to hire a copywriter or get school'd on it big time. Try starting with The Copywriters Handbook by Bob Bly, then hit www.TheGaryHalbertLetter.com.

    I know you said you did not have alot of cash to get going, but if I were I would think about getting my prospects attention real quick, since your dealing with people that don't have alot of time.

    One way to do that is FedEx your real letter in #10 envelope and do a "dollar bill letter". I don't care who the lawyer or dentist is that would sure get their attention.

    Take care,

    Bill Jeffels
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  • Profile picture of the author colmodwyer
    I'm in a sink or swim situation. I have no money...
    Start with that. Don't change a word. Then proceed to tell your prospect how it'll be different for them...

    There's a big hint in that somewhat cynical remark, somewhere.

    Colm
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    • Profile picture of the author Mynt
      Hello,

      Thanks for everyone's replies!!

      I'm really excited to have so much learning ahead
      and the available resources to make things happen.

      I took advice given and checked out
      "On the Art of Writing Copy" by H.G. Lewis from my library.

      Very valuable information that had me hooked
      for hours from cover to back, and thirsty for more.

      Here's what I've come up so far after reading the book.
      Opening and closing I'm still polishing (the closing more than anything).


      -------------------------

      How to increase your sales with your
      Cash-Gushing website that converts
      Local targeted traffic into loyal clients
      Giving you the cash-flow you've always
      Wanted - and the time to lavishly spend it.

      Local money-making internet rock-star
      With locally PROVEN results to build
      Your high-converting website with
      Targeted autopilot traffic generation.
      To EFFICIENTLY increase your sales.

      It'll be your BIGGEST and DIRTIEST secret.

      Effective, cost-saving, all-in-one, AND
      Totally hands-free ROI-Happy Advertising
      To quickly OWN the car you've always dreamt of.


      I invite you to read the attached case study
      showing you how I saved my client $1,452 in advertising
      While putting MORE money EFFORTLESSLY in his bank account
      And giving him MORE time to build stronger relationships with his clients.


      I know your time is very valuable.

      I'd be thrilled for the opportunity to ask you questions about your
      advertising. I offer you a FREE internet marketing consultation
      that reveals the EASY cash you're giving up to your competitors
      and how to QUICKLY turn the tables around.


      Sincerely,
      My name

      --------------------------------------


      I have a case study completed for my first client, that I feel is a strong selling point
      (a PDF illustrating IM, stats, and screen shots of client's website/blogs on page 1 of google)

      But as Loren advised, securing a consultative sales call/meeting is most effective.
      And rules strictly say only one 'call-to-action' - and advice here?

      Hoping you guys think this will do until I can afford a copywriter!


      Thanks again!
      Signature

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      • Profile picture of the author J. Barry Mandel
        This is WAY over the top

        You will only succeed in getting your salesletter tossed out by 10/10 small business owners IMO.

        One of the "secrets" to copywriting success is positioning your offer the right way to your prospects...and the way you have it positioned it is so obviously wrong

        Also, if you're going to ask for someone to plunk down their hard earned cash you're going to have to do so with more proof then just 1 case study. You need to back up your abilities to the point where few or no questions exist in your prospects mind that you're the one who can help them

        Originally Posted by Mynt View Post

        Hello,

        Thanks for everyone's replies!!

        I'm really excited to have so much learning ahead
        and the available resources to make things happen.

        I took advice given and checked out
        "On the Art of Writing Copy" by H.G. Lewis from my library.

        Very valuable information that had me hooked
        for hours from cover to back, and thirsty for more.

        Here's what I've come up so far after reading the book.
        Opening and closing I'm still polishing (the closing more than anything).


        -------------------------

        How to increase your sales with your
        Cash-Gushing website that converts
        Local targeted traffic into loyal clients
        Giving you the cash-flow you've always
        Wanted - and the time to lavishly spend it.

        Local money-making internet rock-star
        With locally PROVEN results to build
        Your high-converting website with
        Targeted autopilot traffic generation.
        To EFFICIENTLY increase your sales.

        It'll be your BIGGEST and DIRTIEST secret.

        Effective, cost-saving, all-in-one, AND
        Totally hands-free ROI-Happy Advertising
        To quickly OWN the car you've always dreamt of.


        I invite you to read the attached case study
        showing you how I saved my client $1,452 in advertising
        While putting MORE money EFFORTLESSLY in his bank account
        And giving him MORE time to build stronger relationships with his clients.


        I know your time is very valuable.

        I'd be thrilled for the opportunity to ask you questions about your
        advertising. I offer you a FREE internet marketing consultation
        that reveals the EASY cash you're giving up to your competitors
        and how to QUICKLY turn the tables around.


        Sincerely,
        My name

        --------------------------------------


        I have a case study completed for my first client, that I feel is a strong selling point
        (a PDF illustrating IM, stats, and screen shots of client's website/blogs on page 1 of google)

        But as Loren advised, securing a consultative sales call/meeting is most effective.
        And rules strictly say only one 'call-to-action' - and advice here?

        Hoping you guys think this will do until I can afford a copywriter!


        Thanks again!
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  • Profile picture of the author RentItNow
    Small Business Owners and Professionals will not appreciate the hype...

    "How to increase your sales with your
    Cash-Gushing website that converts
    Local targeted traffic into loyal clients
    Giving you the cash-flow you've always
    Wanted - and the time to lavishly spend it."

    Tone it down. Take your previous list of features and turn them into benefits.

    Example:
    "A website designed to convert targeted traffic."
    So what? Benefit: It will get more people looking at your business ads than a yellow page ad can.
    So what? Benefit: I will have more business.
    So what? Benefit: I will be making more money.
    So what? Benefit: I can live the lifestyle of a true professional Lawyer.

    Now piece it together...

    We can tailor an internet strategy that will drive some of the 50,000 local net users to your office. It will more cheaply target 100 times more of your actual must-have customers than a yellow page ad possibly can allowing you to focus more on service and making the income a person of your profession deserves.

    Just needs refining from there. Short sentences, paragraphs.
    Signature
    I have no agenda but to help those in the same situation. This I feel will pay the bills.
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  • Profile picture of the author Daniel Scott
    Putting aside the fact that you have absolutely NO business asking for people to pay you money to do something you obviously can't do (or else you would not be broke)... here's something for the forum to learn from.

    The first thing that jumped out at me when I read your letter was the fact that there's no foreplay. It just hits you. BAM. "Hire me!".

    Compare it to picking up a girl. If you go into a bar, see smoking blond on a stool, you don't go over there and go "Hi, my name's Mynt. Let's go back to my hotel room and have sex."

    Clearly, this kind of approach will not be appreciated.

    Instead, you get her attention... tell her your name... make small talk... make her feel comfortable around you. Then, you GRADUALLY take things in the direction you want... a touch here, a whisper there... then you hopefully make out with her... and THEN you take her home.

    A good sales letter is like that... it romances the prospect, allows them to feel safe and comfortable and to imagine themselves where you want them to be... and to be okay with that.

    That's all the advice I am giving you... partially because time is money, but also because I think you need to look at getting a day job to fix your financial situation... then you can actually learn the skills you need... and then charge for them.

    -Dan
    Signature

    Always looking for badass direct-response copywriters. PM me if we don't know each other and you're looking for work.

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  • Profile picture of the author Mynt
    Thank you Daniel, Justin, and RentItNow,


    You guys are totally right. Just not enough knowledge
    to ask for money. But my passion continues...


    Tomorrow morning I'm baking delicious cookies and giving
    them out to local businesses, just to introduce myself
    as their friendly local aspiring internet marketer - nothing more

    Well....

    If they compliment my cookies,
    I may offer a couple pointers



    All the best,
    mynt
    Signature

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  • Profile picture of the author Mynt
    Sorry guys -- too much excitement about
    learning copywriting to give up for the day..

    Did one more!! Went with the guilt approach.



    --------------------------------

    The guilt of not having spent invaluable
    time with family, visiting countries, new cultures,
    and pursuing hobbies is the most common regret
    of business owners as they near retirement.

    Compassion towards family, satisfying your itch
    to do what you've always truly wanted, is what
    any psychologist would advise for a happier life
    a life with no regrets.


    Accounting, advertising, employees, insurance.
    Worries stealing your time, and you're not doing
    anything about it.


    You work harder
    And buy lavish gifts to your loves ones.


    Yet time continues clicking...
    Compassion, love and opportunity slowly closing their doors.


    How much time do you waste finding new clients?


    Is the cost of outsourcing to a marketing
    or advertising firm keeping you from taking action?


    For the cost of one print ad, you now can
    finally enjoy life, family, and experience
    the lifestyle you deserve.


    A marketing solution so innovative, efficient,
    and intelligently cheap - to give you the freedom
    to no longer worry about finding new clients, the time
    to enjoy precious time with family, and saving you
    the money to indulge in life's greatest pleasures.


    Mynt Web Development and Internet Solutions.


    What baby boomers would have killed for.

    ---------------------------------
    Signature

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