Critique my Pages

Reads like a brochure... not persuasive at all.

I suggest that you learn how to write sales copy or hire a pro. As it stands now, the site needs to be completely rewritten.

Alex

What exactly is "Spartan" about this?

Spartan men regularly let younger guys bonk their wives in order to get "good stock." They were also all incestuous. Is this what you're promoting?

On a scale of 1 - 10 how good do you personally think your about page is?

Your About me page could do with a bit of tweaking. For instance, I'm not feeling your opening sentence. You want to build interest first before telling them to "follow you back to 2009." Let them know first why they should. The Coaching page seems better, considering it's straight to the point. It can still be improved, though. You can choose to hire a writer if you have the budget.

While I agree the image isn't really "Spartan" but I can see it working with his audience. I image the socially awkward kind of people that are going to be paying for advice on dating would feel a lot more comfortable talking to an average looking guy than a well oiled sex machine like myself.

I've pointed this out before, and I'll continue to share Rick's page as an example of an About Page. And no, I don't get anything out of it.

Broken down: he calls himself the Copy Ranger. Most are probably not familiar with the "ranger" portion of the term. He describes it in an interesting way and then ties that back to him, his experience, and draws the conclusion WHY you'd want a Copy Ranger on your side.

Why do they want a Spartan on their side?

I think the guys above have valid points about what TRUE Spartans were like, but I also think there's a large contingency of the population (particularly younger guys, many of whom I assume are your target market) who remains relatively clueless as far as historical accuracy is concerned. Only market research will tell you whether historical accuracy is a pro or con.

Honestly, I didn't read much. The font was hard to read. The block paragraphs were hard to read. The subheads were pretty pitiful in terms of making it interesting. From what little I read, you sounded like every other dating douche guru out there. And where's any form of proof whatsoever?

Seth is right. Print that shit out, print out the checklist, go through your copy and answer ALL of the questions in that checklist with your copy. Then let it sit. Then edit it ruthlessly. THEN bring it back here for a critique. That's the only way you'll get something even REMOTELY good without actually hiring a copywriter.

Here's the small diamond I found in the sea of sand:

And it's absolutely true. I'm not butt ugly. But it was never my looks that made my single days such a success. It was my energy. I could write a product that crushes everything out there - just based on this one simple premise.

Scrap your brand. Scrap the "copy" you paid for on odesk. Scrap your entire concept. I think it's flimsy at best.

Create a product that's built around the gem above. Pay someone who knows this market to write it. Pay a copywriter to put your funnel together.

This isn't just a crituque of your copy; it's a CTA to redefine your entire business model.

Mark

P.S. This form of "vibrational" mingling is also how I built my entire business. Much to learn here.

Hey Guys, so i read alittle more and i found out im missing "an offer".
The thing is this-i have ideas for products(mostly coachng based-the 1-1 skype coaching, the mastermind and 1-1 infield which is much more pricy).
The way i aranged it is a a coaching page with all the options and then a link to each option for a selling page.

I though about revolving the offer in the coaching page around "the need of a personal mentor that got all the mistakes out of the wa(By doing it himself) so you can be guided the right way and save alot of time"
another angle i have is "finally there is someone that is going to make sure you are really acting/approaching/doing".

i prefer to learn myself then to give to a freelancer again...

Some pictures of good looking girls could make the site look better
I felt like you are marketing a little too much in your about page. I think you should leave that for the spartan page and focus on just describing about yourself and business in the about page. Just description.

I would approach a consultant and try to learn myself rather than approach a freelancer unless I am bound by time constraints.