Critique my offline biz Sales Letter!!****

This is just me - but when I see confidential nowadays, that is a red flag that means "Junk Mail disguised as a tax form". I think just having the hand written plain white envelope is the best bet - I always open plain envelopes because there is a sense of "mystery" - that little kid part that wants to know what is inside plus the other part "this might be important". I think the stamp takes some of that away. Less is more, as they say.

David T. McKee

Nice layout at least. I'm not sure about the subterfuge.

You must think Dentist's are pretty unsophisticated people,
at least I think your recipients will think you think that.

Dentists tend to be pretty smart and aware about marketing.
Building a dental practice is a serious business and they take
it seriously and tend to be aware of their options. Thinking
of them as ignorant about marketing and the potential of the
net is just not likely to be accurate.

If they don't have a website they may have a reason for it...
but I'm wondering if you've had that conversation with more
than a couple of dentists or not.

I've talked to a lot of health-care practitioners and they are
NOT dumb about marketing. Overwhelmed and willing to
hire help? yes. Ignorant of the potential of better marketing?
No. There are ads in the dental trade journals for marketing
courses and marketing is taught for dentists at special seminars.

Your letter focuses on YOU as if you are some sort of savior
who is deigning to offer you services to these dentists. Newsflash:
these people went to college and dental school. It's hard and
expensive. Do you want to be high-handed in marketing to
prospects who are asking "I got a dental degree, what's this
guy got except chutzpah?"

...and you DO have it. I disagree with your approach because
I've tried high-handed soliciting and in my opinion it's far less
effective than other methods.

I would use postcards offering a white paper on web marketing
for dental practices. Cheap and pre-qualifies your prospect.
Very easy to close a sale after the prospect has read your
white paper and understands the value you offer him.

You sell too hard, too fast. That will land your solicitation in the
trash, my friend.

P.S. what part of Maine are you in? I'm in MA, but we get up to
Maine sometimes.

oh and I am in LImington..near Gorham.

It's all about 'you' and I think your final paragraph is condescending if not outright insulting.

Asking for a reference number when only 20 people have been addressed also seems a mite pretentious.

As for crossing out the price - well, words fail me - would you trust someone who couldn't get his letter right first time? It might be OK for IMers but the real world spots slips like that and does not read into them what you want them to read.

It's good that you are taking action but maybe you should address the concerns of the potential client more?

Why not lead with what is in the green box?

Thanks again guys. Notes taken. We'll see what kind of response I get from this letter and move forward from there.

Just as a side...I mailed a similar piece to this 2 weeks ago to restaurant owners and got a 9% response rate.

Awesome point John, and I would go back to that envelope - remember the stamp "Confidential" well, instead of that, if you don't want to go the pure white envelope route, you might try something along the lines of a dentists pain... maybe, "Missing Clients", or "Client Locator Data" ... something along the lines that would put the idea "here is something that can help you find more clients" in the head of the dentist as he shuffles through his mail. Then, has been mentioned here, in your main copy hit them with a sentence like you used: "Do you need help finding dental clients?"