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Critique (Pimp) My Story

by The Niche Man
7 replies
Looking for ways to improve the story segment of my sales letter script.
Any suggestions, commnets or fuzzyness greatly appreciated.

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My Story:

Hi, my name is Roy Primm ("The Niche Man"). I've written over 300+ guest post and articles showing others like you how to -- profit from niche markets, products, services, and ideas.

Plus , I've advised many successful marketers and businesses for the last 10+ years.

Starting out, many experts told me to be successful in business, you have to find a niche. You ever heard that before? But here's the catch.

They're tons of books and articles on how to find a niche the old school ways. Just Google it.

You'll see ways like keyword research, looking through popular magazines for articles, spying on various blogs or Ebay and Amazon- for top sellers and more.

All these worked in the past. But the only problem now "everyone's" doing it. So, those over-worked methods don't work like they did 10 + years ago - when most marketers started using them. I also discovered ...

... Secrets Niche Marketing Guru's and Experts
Forgot To Tell Me (or kept to themselves) I

No one told me the importance of knowing how to create or 'carve' a niche -- only ways to find one. The result?

Even after I slaved to find a niche the old school ways, bigger or better financed competition would always swoop in and crush me. Ouch! ... "Niche-Jacked" again.

I was helpless and desperate for a solution. Unfortunately, no specific information existed.

Then finally out of teeth-grinding frustration I did my own exhaustive 31 month research study of successful niche products, services and ideas.

I studied to exhaustion, what made them successful even during slow economies, in ultra competitive markets or even with newbie marketers - and more!

Now you can avoid the trial and error, hard work, plus ... bone-head mistakes I made (unless you'd "like" to experience them). Because I discovered powerful ways to carve my own niche and never have to worry about competition, like the old school ways always required. Now you can start ...
#critique #pimp #story
  • Profile picture of the author Raydal
    I think the elements are there but the story needs restructuring.
    You need to show the journey to your present expertise level
    and the obstacles you have overcome. Do not gloss over the
    challenges, because that's where your prospects are and they
    need to know that you understand them.

    For example you wrote:
    "I was helpless and desperate for a solution. Unfortunately, no specific information existed."

    And that is TELLING instead of SHOWING. Show me the frustrations you
    really went through--things you tried, your failures etc.

    The story part of the sales letter is very important so you cannot gloss
    over this section.

    -Ray Edwards

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    • Profile picture of the author The Niche Man
      Originally Posted by Raydal View Post

      I think the elements are there but the story needs restructuring.
      You need to show the journey to your present expertise level
      and the obstacles you have overcome. Do not gloss over the
      challenges, because that's where your prospects are and they
      need to know that you understand them.

      For example you wrote:
      "I was helpless and desperate for a solution. Unfortunately, no specific information existed."

      And that is TELLING instead of SHOWING. Show me the frustrations you
      really went through--things you tried, your failures etc.



      -Ray Edwards
      Rewrite:

      "I was helpless and desperate for a solution. Unfortunately, no specific information existed." No book, video, DVD, CD, seminar or even webinar. How do I know? Because ...
      • I invaded every major library in Los Angeles County, including the bohemoth (6 million volume) downtown public library.
      • I searched online everyday for months, and stopped only when blurry eyed exhaustion set in.
      • I spent thousands on Guru marketing courses hoping they would at least indirectly cover it.
      No such luck." Can you imagine looking so hard or long and still coming up empty handed. Dammit!

      So, finally out of teeth-grinding frustration I did my own exhaustive 31 month research study of successful niche products, services and ideas.

      Plus, I took advantage of valuable information sources online and off. Yes, most was scattered around, and other information was raw and/or abstract. So, I organized and categorized all the information conveniently in one place. Then I cooked the raw information into actionable plans, so-to-speak.

      I studied and research to exhaustion. The result? I discovered what made a niche market, product, service or idea successful even during slow economies, in ultra competitive markets or even with newbie marketers - and more!

      Now you can avoid frustrating trial and error, tedious work, plus ... the bone-head mistakes I made (unless you'd "like" to experience them). Because I discovered powerful ways to carve my own niche and never have to worry about competition, like the old school ways always required.

      I'm I getting closer to show and not tell?

      Originally Posted by Alex Cohen View Post

      Roy,

      This part of the story is a bit incongruent. After stating that "no specific information existed" the copy says that you did your "own exhaustive 31 month research study".

      Make it clear that your research did not come from information sources.

      Alex
      When I said no specific information existed, I meant in the way of a book, video, course, or CD, etc.

      Actually I did take advantage of valuable information sources in many cases. But it was scattered around, and other information was raw and/or abstract. I organized and categorized all the scattered information conveniently in one place. Then cooked the raw information into actionable plans, so-to-speak.

      But thanks for pointing that fuzzy area out. I'll work on clarifying it more.
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      • Profile picture of the author Alex Cohen
        Originally Posted by The Niche Man View Post


        When I said no specific information existed, I meant in the way of a book, video, course, or CD, etc.

        Actually I did take advantage of valuable information sources in many cases. But it was scattered around, and other information was raw and/or abstract. I organized and categorized all the scattered information conveniently in one place. Then cooked the raw information into actionable plans, so-to-speak.

        But thanks for pointing that fuzzy area out. I'll work on clarifying it more.
        Yes, clarity is vital in sales copy. If a reader 1) misunderstands what you've written or 2) has to stop and figure out what you mean... your ability to persuade is diminished.

        Alex
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  • Profile picture of the author WD Mino
    Hi Roy,

    The first part of the story where you qualify your self, would probably be better after you get the pain and empathy. Then it can be a lead in like, everything changed when.... you discovered the solution
    now I ....teach others and advise and consult. etc.

    I think it might read a bit better.

    Like Ray says the story is what compels, the pain is what identifies, the solution is what qualifies.

    Compel the reader to want to know your story, describe in as much detail the pain you went through and know they are going through. soliciting empathy and trust by being someone they identify with and then you are qualified to offer the solution. They WANT to know how you did it and overcame like they WANT to, what made the difference, because you have been through the trenches, stayed up countless hours, studied everything you could get your hands on, tried and failed, tried again and failed, I like the story just flesh it out.
    My 0.02
    -WD
    Signature

    "As a man thinks in his heart so is he-Proverbs 23:7"

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    • Profile picture of the author Alex Cohen
      I was helpless and desperate for a solution. Unfortunately, no specific information existed.

      Then finally out of teeth-grinding frustration I did my own exhaustive 31 month research study of successful niche products, services and ideas.

      I studied to exhaustion, what made them successful even during slow economies, in ultra competitive markets or even with newbie marketers - and more!
      Roy,

      This part of the story is a bit incongruent. After stating that "no specific information existed" the copy says that you did your "own exhaustive 31 month research study".

      Make it clear that your research did not come from information sources.

      Alex
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9828354].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
    Hi, I'm the Niche Man, Roy Primm.

    Today, I'm considered one of the Internet's leading authorities when it comes to uncovering and exploiting hidden markets and niches worth millions.

    But it wasn't always that way.

    If you're struggling to find your own lucrative niche you can own, one that you can dominate, I know how you feel. Especially when more well-heeled entrepreneurs and marketers swoop in and steal your idea, your product, your traffic and your customers.

    It's beyond frustrating, I know.

    Sure, there are tons of blogs, books and products on the market promising to show you how it's done.

    As you may have already discovered, they don't work.

    Info-products and expensive tools that do keyword research, looking through popular magazines for articles, spying on various blogs and scouring eBay and Amazon for top sellers all sound promising, but basically?

    They're a complete waste of time.

    Just a bunch of rehashed ideas that don't work anymore. If they ever worked.

    That's why over 5 years ago, I HIT THE WALL trying to follow some so-called guru's bad advice. Maybe like you, I was so mad. I was angry.

    After investing tens of thousands, only to come up empty-handed yet again, I went ballistic.

    [Embellish here] I did this and that and these and those.

    It was then I finally decided to take matters into my own hands and master niche marketing on my own--once and for all. I spent 2 and half years, creating a real system that can crush an under-the-radar niche in a matter of weeks, if not days.

    My efforts paid off--more than you can imagine.

    [Embellish here] I did this and that and these and those.

    While I'd love to beat my chest and reveal which niches I dominate, the first rule of niche marketing is "Keep your mouth shut."

    However, if you're frustrated following the gurus... fed up wasting hundreds maybe thousands on tools which don't work... if you're tired of getting "niche-jacked" one more time, let's get you started in the right direction, ok?

    Let me help you.

    Let me share with you the first secret to finding a promising, lucrative niche you can own, and ultimately dominate, earning yourself a full-time income in the process. Maybe more...


    PS: It's not perfect, but it'll get you going in the right direction.
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    • Profile picture of the author The Niche Man
      Originally Posted by RickDuris View Post

      Hi, I'm the Niche Man, Roy Primm.

      Today, I'm considered one of the Internet's leading authorities when it comes to uncovering and exploiting hidden markets and niches worth millions.

      But it wasn't always that way.

      If you're struggling to find your own lucrative niche you can own, that you can dominate, I know how you feel. Especially when more well-heeled entrepreneurs and marketers swoop in steal your idea, product, traffic and customers.

      It's beyond frustrating, I know.

      Sure, there are tons of blogs, books and products on the market promising to show you how it's done.

      As you may have discovered, they don't work.

      Info-products and expensive tool that do keyword research, looking through popular magazines for articles, spying on various blogs or scouring eBay and Amazon for top sellers all sound promising, but basically?

      They're a complete waste of time.

      Just a bunch of rehashed ideas that don't work. If they ever worked.

      That's why over 5 years ago, I HIT THE WALL trying to follow some so-called guru's bad advice. Maybe like you, I was so mad. I was angry.

      After investing tens of thousands, only to come up empty-handed once again, I went ballistic.

      [Embellish here] I did this and that and these and those.

      It was then I finally decided to take matters into my own hands and master niche marketing on my own--once and for all. I spent 2 and half years, creating a system that can crush an under-the-radar niche in a matter of weeks, if not days.

      My efforts paid off--more than you can imagine.

      [Embellish here] I did this and that and these and those.

      While I'd love to beat my chest and reveal which niches I dominate, the first rule of niche marketing is "Keep your mouth shut."

      However, if you're frustrated following the gurus... fed up of wasting hundreds maybe thousands on tools which don't work... if you're tired of getting niche-jacked once more time, let's get you started in the right direction, ok?

      Let me help you.

      Let me share with you the first fundamental secret to finding a promising, lucrative niche you can own, and ultimately dominate...

      PS: It's not perfect, but it'll get you going in the right direction.
      Thanks Rick, your vibe sounds a lot more conversational and engaging than my version. I'll go with that vibe or tone you set. Thanks.
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      Download "Free 80 Page E-Book"
      "201 Ways To Live Better On Less Money".
      "Because The Easiest Way To Make Money is ... ... By Saving Some First!"
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