What Do You Think Of This Headline

by Jonathan 2.0 Banned

Posted: 9 years ago 12 replies

COPY WRITING

"The Amazing Direct Mail Secret Of A
Desperate Nerd From Ohio ..."

#headline

Cool Hand Luke 9 years ago

I think you need to post the full letter, details about the product/service, and the target market at the very least if you expect people to give you an actual answer.
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Sajun Becker 9 years ago

Cool Hand Luke's right, but I'll still bite:

Coming from the perspective of a somewhat blank-slated potential customer (because I have no idea who in the heck your target it, let alone the product) I am slightly confused and underwhelmed.

In all honesty, I give it a glance and a wink and think "huh?" and move on.

You do hint at a personalized story, which is good, but the composition of your copy is unengaging and somewhat puffy-mouthed; where's the emotional hook? What do I (the customer) get in all this?

I'd like to see more, so don't hesitate to give us a fuller picture.

Best,

Sajun
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RealCasher 9 years ago

Is this sales copy will be sent to nerds

It looks good, but if always try to add as much customization as you can depending on your traffic source.
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DWaters 9 years ago

I think it depends on where that headline shows up. But one of my first impressions is that unless I am from Ohio it would not mean anything to me.
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angiecolee 9 years ago

And here come the random opinions...

Do you really want actionable help that can get you results? Do what Luke said or find a mentor to guide you through the process. You don't have to figure it all out yourself. Everyone starts somewhere, but if you're not going to learn from people who are trying to help you, you're going to continue to struggle to get paid.
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Andrew Gould

9 years ago

I think Gary Halbert wrote it.

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Andrew Gould

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Alex Cohen

9 years ago

This is the original headline and copy here...

Amazing Money Making Secrets Ad by Gary Halbert » Swipe File Archive » Marketing & Copywriting Examples

Your version isn't as powerful. Notice how "Money-Making Secret" (original) serves as both a feature and a benefit. "Direct Mail Secret" is only a feature.

Alex

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1 reply

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Claude Whitacre

9 years ago

Originally Posted by Alex Cohen

This is the original headline and copy here...

Amazing Money Making Secrets Ad by Gary Halbert » Swipe File Archive » Marketing & Copywriting Examples

Your version isn't as powerful. Notice how "Money-Making Secret" (original) serves as both a feature and a benefit. "Direct Mail Secret" is only a feature.

Alex

My immediate thought as well. There was no benefit in the OP's headline. And he took out the benefit, without knowing it.

I knew I recognized it from somewhere.

"The Money Making Direct Mail Secret Of A Desperate Nerd From Ohio ..." was going to be my first attempt to solve that problem. But after I read your post, I realized that it wasn't my idea at all, but Halbert's.

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splitTest 9 years ago

Jonathan, was this some kind of experiment? You rascal ...
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DABK 9 years ago

Nah! Was looking for secrets from a desperate dork in Tennessee.

Seriously, As Cool said, you need to post more.
By itself, it doesn't make me wanna find out about the nerd or his/her secret.

Find out how a homeless man earned 50k with this amazing forumla

works because homeless and 50k are far apart in people's minds but part of the same world.

Nerd, Ohio and direct mail don't have the same setup in people's minds.

Originally Posted by Jonathan 2.0

"The Amazing Direct Mail Secret Of A
Desperate Nerd From Ohio ..."
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Leadsupply 9 years ago

I think it is a secret method about copy writing or sales marekting. I am not sure but I think so.
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kk075 9 years ago

I still don't like it and part of the reason is because Gary Halbert did write it. I know he's a legend and has more marketing brilliance than most of us put together, but you see those type of headlines everywhere these days. When Halbert ran that ad 20, 30 or even 40 years ago, it was completely unique and a great hook. Now though, it's almost a common spam line...so I wouldn't touch it with a ten foot pole. Everyone has heard it a thousand times.
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