What Do You Guys Think of This Sales Letter?

The letter can't be fixed... it needs to be trashed and a new one written by someone who knows how to persuade.

My suggestion... take some of the $10K - $20K you "consistently earn per month online" and hire a copywriter.

Alex

Copy isn't "tight."

And thoughts? They are all over the place.

Here's how you can improve this copy:

Find out how aware is your market? - This is the reason your thoughts are all over the place.

Do your customers know about laryngitis? Then, as Eugene Schwartz recommends, you have to "sell the benefits" of your product. You have to simply tell them what your product will do to cure Laryngitis forever.

Nothing else is required.

No need to talk about getting voice back, or talk about myths. (Assumptions about what we know can be dangerous).

If they are NOT aware of this, you walk them through the process. You can deviate from the "cause" (don't even talk about Laryngitis but only talk about voice and how one chemical inside our body is affecting it) or explain Laryngitis in a way it feels like a big problem.

Go the future, show them the danger, and then show your product as the solution to this cause.

This is, of course, the first step. You have to research more. And align all the thoughts logically.

And then, only then, start working on your copy. And from what I can tell: the copy is written in a very friendly tone. It feels good, but some paragraphs are terrible. For example:

"Episodes of laryngitis typically last anywhere from a few days to a few weeks (sometimes longer if the thing that triggered it is still around). Either way, there’s one thing we can all agree on: it’s annoying. Not being able to verbalize your thoughts can make very simple tasks quite complicated- like ordering a meal for example."

Annoying doesn't bother many folks. Death does. And so does the fear of losing the ability to even talk.

And the bullets:

• An anatomy lesson of your larynx (voice box).
• A look at the causes of voice loss.
• 5 voice loss myths that you’ve never heard of before.
• 11 acid reflux-inducing foods that contribute to vocal cord irritation.
• A list of laryngitis remedies that actually work.
• 3 bad habits that are slow down healing.
• 7 practical tips that speed up recovery.
• Simple techniques that can be applied right away.

First two lessons are walking me through the cause (well, I want to fix the problem, not "learn" it). Sure, it's in the books - but that won't be the reason people will buy your product. And the third bullet is similar.

As Alex says, the letter can't be fixed if it is not bringing you the results. You have to come up with something else, something more concrete.

I think figured out the problem...my email list wan't very targeted.

Off the top of my head, I can find at least a dozen ways this copy could be improved. Let's start with the headline.

Does it promise benefits? Not really. "Get Your Voice Back Quickly" is not a benefit. It is a selling point that presumably delivers a benefit, such as a more enjoyable life, greater income, etc.

The headline doesn't bring in the idea of "new," either. People love new things. Saying that it's a "new method" could give you a measurable increase in conversion rate (I don't know if it actually is a new method or not -- of course, the copy needs to be ethical).

Nor does the headline pertinently provoke curiosity. Headlines that pique curiosity hook readers -- luring them on into the body copy where the real selling work can be done.

As for the body copy -- much could be improved. Where is the charm, the enthusiasm, the originality, and the personality? It uses trite expressions ("banging your head against the wall" -- not sure if people who lose their voice actually empathize with that). The headline doesn't start with a bang -- a mental fillip -- for the reader, but if it did, the reader's interest would fizzle out on the first page.

But hey, if it's converting for you, keep using it.

Hope this helps!

Your headline:
Learn how to get your voice back quickly using proven techniques that work... and that can be applied right away.

I'm not your targeted audience, but I imagine that if I lost my voice and needed back quickly (say I'm a professional speaker or have a presentation to give in front of my boss and his boss), I wouldn't be interested in learning how to get my voice back,

I'd be interested in getting my voice back.

and, if the methods are proven, they must work.

Like the rest of the copy, there's a lot of imprecision and unnecessary redundancy.

Why not something shorter and more to the point?

Lost your voice? Need it back fast? You can have it back by the end of the hour with any of the proven techniques in this here book

replace
end of the hour with whatever time frame the techniques work in (but it better be a short period)

replace
this here book with the title of the book

How did you get the list? What did they sign up to get? If a method to get their voice back, you must be doing a lot of other things badly (like, maybe, contacting them too often).

If not, maybe what they signed up for is too far removed from what you're selling. Find something else to sell them.