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Seriously, why the hell am I converting under 1%?

by bestfranchisebooks
18 replies
Alright,

So I thought I wrote a pretty compelling story to get people to buy my book.. I show people they can get rich and also lose it all if they don't buy my product. I also offer a valuable product and pitch the benefits well.. So seriously, why the hell am I converting under 1% to sales?

Any and all feedback is always appreciated.

JR
#books #converting #copywriting #franchise #hell
  • Profile picture of the author bestfranchisebooks
    Sorry, my site is here: best franchise books site
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  • Profile picture of the author Sleaklight
    Probably because the screen shot of the order page you have is of the old clickbank versus the new order form. They click through to buy and see that it is a different page and don't complete the purchase because they think they were sent somewhere else and therefore don't make the payment.

    Also, you have two sections where you repeat the same word back to back. second paragraph you repeat "any any" third paragraph you repeat "owning owning". Stuff like that distracts me and I could just lose focus and move on to something else.

    "My system is a very quick download of 700KB and is a standard Adobe PDF" Leave the technical 700 kb, Adobe PDF stuff out. Just state that they have imemdiate access after payment. If they aren't tech savy they're going to wonder what KB and PDF is. Just adding more to the confusion imo.

    I didn't get to read all of it, I got bored, sorry for the bluntness lol
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    • Profile picture of the author bestfranchisebooks
      I always love posting in this forum - *priceless* insight by highly-talented copywriters & web entrepreneurs. I'm going to thank each of you individually and comment on your responses as I make changes to my sites' copy.

      Sleaklight - You are absolutely right about the clickbank screenshot.. I will update his today along with the sloppy copy errors that I made.

      I put in the filetype and size because some people are on dial-up still (especially international clientele where franchising is growing very rapidly - India & China) so I kept it in. Although you are right that it is confusing and may turn off people just looking for a solution to their problems.

      Also, my copy is quite boring and does not speak to the viewer in an interesting/unique way. To be honest, and I'm sure this is apparent from my copy, I am not a writer. I have a full-time writer that blogs for me to bring in traffic as well as comment on highly-trafficked websites within my industry.

      Scott - You make a very good point about my lack of clarity regarding my system and calling it an e-book. I truly feel I have created a highly-comprehensive guide to franchising as I have a *lot* of experience within the industry and I have been rather successful at it. Anyone can PM me for a free copy.

      You also note that I should have this re-written by a pro... I AGREE 110%. But the reality is: we live in a recession, my business is highly exposed to consumer spending (bad with unemployement going to 11%), and there are some changes going on in the franchising industry to change my value-proposition significantly. To elaborate on my last point, many franchises are beginning to offer "no franchise fee" and 100% financing to approved franchisees because people's equity within their homes and 401k's have been massively reduced, thus people don't have the cash to invest in a franchise. This was why I changed my pitch, just recently, to help people finance a franchise for no money down. Also with increasing unemployment, many people are turning to start a business as well as a franchise as a means of employment rather than for business ownership/additional income.

      With that being said, I have gotten many quotes ranging from 3-10k for writing services and I just don't want to put out this kind of cash for the project right now. I could pay less for a copywriter but I feel I could do a sub-par job myself in the meantime. Finally, I have a software application in development right now and it should be finished within a few weeks. Once this is complete, I will have a pretty valuable product and I will be raising my price to around $300.

      Finally, I know I don't have a P.S. and I do know their value. I have tried to create a "different" salespage but with the elements of a salespage within them. If you note, I have bolded text with a concise version of my value proposition and call to action at the bottom.

      I'll get back to the rest of you as I make a few changes... thank you all again for your input. I *deeply* appreciate it.

      JR
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      • Profile picture of the author BrianMcLeod
        Originally Posted by bestfranchisebooks View Post

        I have tried to create a "different"
        salespage but with the elements of a salespage within them.
        There's the real problem right there, dude. You've decided to "fix"
        something that isn't broken. Why?

        Sometimes the answers to our questions are staring us in the face...

        That annoying opt-in pop is killing you. Kill IT. Either use a lightbox after
        15 seconds or put a widget in the top right corner of your sidebar. That
        alone will give you back a significant number of eyeballs you're losing
        right now.

        Strike one.

        I honestly don't care for the color scheme or the theme/layout at all.
        A "franchise guru" doesn't have a sales letter coming from his desk
        that looks like this.

        Strike two.

        Headline seems like a clumsy attempt to keyword stuff the H1 more than
        the single most important element of copy on the entire page. It certainly
        isn't helping you sell anything so who cares if it helps the page rank better?

        "WARNING: Don't Even Think of Buying a Franchise Until You Know How to
        Buy a Highly Profitable Franchise - FOR LITTLE TO NO MONEY DOWN:"
        Strike three.

        Before they've even gotten a chance to read your offer, you've hurt your
        chances severely just by being so incongruent with the expectations that
        an average business person looking to get into a franchise biz opp will have.

        If they even stick around, they'll be reading your offer with a jaundiced eye.
        You've embedded a negative expectation in their mind that you have to now
        work twice as hard to overcome...

        ... and the copy is not doing that. There's quite a few missed opportunities
        and more than a few places where you are jarring the reader out of the
        correct state based on your choice of words.

        For example, your lead sentence starts with:

        "Hi, I'm Jason Rager and I was once like you, an honest, hard-working person..."
        Huh? You WERE once an honest, hard working person... but now you're
        what? A snake-oil salesman trying to scam me on the internet?

        "...with dreams of owning my own business and turning it into a
        multi-million dollar empire"
        Ohh... ok. Now I get it...

        Dink! Out of state.

        "I know the idea that business ownership is within your grasp, right now,
        sounds too good to be true"
        You DON'T know that and you certainly shouldn't be telling your reader
        that it's so.

        "... Fast forward eight years ...

        Today, I am a successful multi-unit franchisee who has made more than enough
        to live and I want to help others as I was on that fateful day. I want to help you
        by giving away the secrets that have made me over nine million dollars."
        Bullshit-o-meter is pegging. "Not with THIS page", says the skeptic.
        "Somebody making $9MM that owns multiple franchises wouldn't have
        this low-budget looking website, they'd hire a great designer".

        Note, I'm not judging or questioning you, only assuming the role of
        the cynic reading your letter. Imagine if the signage and collateral
        from a franchisor looked like this... would you trust it?

        The ecover is truly horrid and is certain to hurt conversions.
        The screencaps of the worksheets should each have their own ecover
        as well. A screen cap of a black and white word doc does not convey
        a whole lot of value.

        And forget getting jiggy with the bottom of the letter. Write a strong
        close, sign it and put your picture/signature in, then write a couple
        of proper postscripts. Restate the problem/your big promise, the offer,
        and your risk reversal.

        Tough love... tough love.

        Brian
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        Brian McLeod
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  • Profile picture of the author Scott Murdaugh
    I'm guessing the instant opt in pop up is really hurting your visitor value...

    The design is terrible for direct response copy, use a regular mini site, not wordpress.

    Take all of the testimonials you have, put them in johnson boxes and put the best parts in bold text and centered (like your first testimonial in the body of the copy.)

    There are a lot of distractions on the page... You only want their eyes doing one thing, reading the copy and selling themselves.

    Some of your bullets are okay, some of them are pretty stale.

    There are a lot of things I'd do differently. The copy isn't really exciting or emotionally involving, and that's not something a critique can fix.

    There are dozens of things, from the first headline saying "From The Desk Of A Franchise Guru" to branding it as a system all the way until the order button, and then calling it an "e-book"... I personally hate positioning almost any product, especially financial products, as an "e-book".

    No P.S.'s (The second most read part of a sales letter)... Lots of things.

    I'd start with the design and headlines. I'd also seriously consider having the entire thing re-written by a pro.

    No offense, there's just a lot of problems. Some of it is alright, a lot of it isn't.

    An example would be talking about how you've sold the course for up to $299 in the past, but now it's only $43... People aren't stupid, they're going to call B.S. on things like that, and that's just one example.

    People need dozens of reasons to buy, and only one reason not to. There are plenty of reasons for them not to buy throughout the copy.

    Good luck,

    -Scott
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    • Profile picture of the author Ken Strong
      Originally Posted by scottspfd82 View Post

      I'm guessing the instant opt in pop up is really hurting your visitor value...
      I'll second that -- first thing I saw, I couldn't even read the headline because the pop up was in the way...

      Also, how much traffic is your site getting and where is it coming from? How much demand is there for this product? If demand isn't big enough and your traffic isn't targeted enough it won't matter how fantastic the copy is.
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    • Profile picture of the author Alex Cohen
      Jason,

      1. It could be the headline. Warning headlines can be very effective, but only if they talk about the condition/situation/pain the prospect is trying to move away from.

      If you haven't done so, survey your target prospects and find out what their biggest fear is. And plug that fear into the headline.

      Then, instead of skipping over those eight years, tell your personal story about how you overcame that condition/situation/pain.

      2. Use the power of specificity by giving the actual radio shows, news columns and magazine publications you been featured in.

      Larry Coker does that in his sales letter ...

      "Maybe you saw my story on CBS Live or Good Morning America. You may have read about me in the Detroit Free Press, the Oakland Daily Tribune or even the National Enquirer."

      Full sales letter here: My Testimonial of Fat Loss 4 Idiots 2

      Alex
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      • Profile picture of the author Alexa Smith
        Banned
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        • Profile picture of the author Bill Jeffels
          Your making a mistake that alot of people do.

          As mentioned, you have alot of "I". To be honest people only care about what you and your product are going to do for them. Always remember someone sitting at their computer thinking to themselves "What's In It For Me", "How Is This Going To Benefit Me".

          You have alot of what you did. I've said this in the past there is nothing wrong with your story. Do that. But come up with the solution for your prospect pretty damn fast because your page Is one click away for disappearing

          No P.S.?, Wow, as Scott said major mistake. People scan your page and I think having no P.S. is one step closer to your prsopect saying "Bye, Bye".

          I don't mean to crap all over your page, because at least your trying!. But you need to justify a $43 e-book. "I usually charge $600hr for all the information that you are going to discover in this book, and this book is going to change your life,your not going to pay $600 not $100 but for a limited time you will pay only $43". That was quick, but something like that .

          By the way your bullets are pretty good.

          Take care,

          Bill Jeffels

          P.S. If you plan on making some serious money with a back end product you may want to consider hiring someone to re-write this for you.
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  • Profile picture of the author SamKane
    You offer a really valuable service/product. I think you are under valuing what you have to offer.

    Instead of a cheap ebook. With your experience you can turn it into a course to offer for several hundreds of dollars. People who are looking to invest in a franchise usually have money to spend. They aren't looking around for a cheap e-book.

    Besides if the ebook is any good. It will soon we available online free on those ebook sharing sites. Or worse, it can be copied and repackage by someone elsee with a little marketing/copywriting experience and it will be selling online for $17....

    Maybe should should reduce the information on the ebook (leave the meat out) and give it away on your website. Then you can build a list of names you can offer your BIG $500+ Franchise Investing Course to.
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  • Profile picture of the author Kyle Tully
    Originally Posted by bestfranchisebooks View Post

    So I thought I wrote a pretty compelling story to get people to buy my book.. I show people they can get rich and also lose it all if they don't buy my product. I also offer a valuable product and pitch the benefits well.. So seriously, why the hell am I converting under 1% to sales?
    Assuming you did all you said and had a hot letter (which you don't) there are still a dozen reasons why you might not convert at 1%.

    (And a few dozen more why you probably shouldn't worry about it.)

    1. Your list (traffic) is more important than anything else. Where is the traffic coming from? Who are they? Are they previous buyers? Subscribers? Targeted PPC? Search Engine? Social Media? Purchased email lists? And who is your target market? All this makes a big difference.

    2. Your offer is second most important. I don't think a $43 ebook is going to cut it, at least not how you've positioned it.

    3. What's the purpose of the ebook? What's your backend? Are you profitable at your current conversion rate?

    Scott gave you some good high level things that you can fix in the copy, but if you've got any kind of real business behind this thing your best bet is to hire a pro... at your rates just 1 extra speaking engagement or a few hours consulting would pay for the job.
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  • Profile picture of the author J. Barry Mandel
    I stopped reading your compelling story after 3 paragraphs.

    If you really want to sell this you need to do many things such as:

    1. Change the price point. If someone is dropping 5 or 6 figures on a franchise then how could (psychologically) something that costs less then $50 be helpful to them? It doesn't make sense
    2. Modify the format of your sales letter - it is difficult to follow and read starting with the headline
    3. Position that copy with WIIFM right from the beginning and away from your own egotistical grandstanding
    4. Hire a copywriter/marketer to make things right
    Best of Luck!


    Originally Posted by bestfranchisebooks View Post

    Alright,

    So I thought I wrote a pretty compelling story to get people to buy my book.
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  • Profile picture of the author sellingonline
    my 2 cents (and I'm just honest 'cause often that's what we need, not "petting"):

    (1) If you thread your customers like you thread the warriorforum (and don't tell me you didn't want to place your keywords as backlink in your posting for a purpose... nobody posts a site for review with "best franchise books site" as linktext ) your karma is out of balance

    (2) Your clickbank screenshot is squeezed if the browser is not fullsize - it's looking far from being professional

    (3) I also don't particularly like the popup...

    (4) With people who are serious about investing in a real business as target audience, your website just doesn't have the right look + does in no way give the feeling that is needed: TRUST

    (5) I didn't even start reading the salesletter a lot, it just didn't click at all - but maybe that's just me...

    Hope that helps, I would start from scratch and most important:

    Look at what your competition does & learn.

    Good luck!


    PS: Question always arising first on offers like yours: Why is he trying to sell a $50 ebook if he can buy franchises with no money down?? --->>> What's YOUR answer? (and where is it?)
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    • Profile picture of the author CDarklock
      Originally Posted by sellingonline View Post

      nobody posts a site for review with "best franchise books site" as linktext
      Benefit of the doubt. Notice this:

      High Quality Article Writer - Content Creation by Caliban Darklock

      All I typed in was my URL text, but it was replaced by the page title during the posting process.

      If I change the title of my page now, that link text will not change.

      Is it likely that the title of his page was "best franchise books site" when he posted that link? He did make a bunch of changes early this afternoon.
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      "The Golden Town is the Golden Town no longer. They have sold their pillars for brass and their temples for money, they have made coins out of their golden doors. It is become a dark town full of trouble, there is no ease in its streets, beauty has left it and the old songs are gone." - Lord Dunsany, The Messengers
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  • Profile picture of the author activetrader
    Originally Posted by bestfranchisebooks View Post

    Alright,

    So I thought I wrote a pretty compelling story to get people to buy my book.. I show people they can get rich and also lose it all if they don't buy my product. I also offer a valuable product and pitch the benefits well.. So seriously, why the hell am I converting under 1% to sales?

    Any and all feedback is always appreciated.

    JR
    How long do visitors stay on your page?

    No offence but you headline made me sick... I would not read any further
    Signature

    Me

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    • Profile picture of the author jmarketer
      In short, your headline is terrible and I don't know what's the deal with your opt-in. I didn't get any further than that and I'm sure it's what's happening to others when they land on your site. Fix that for starters.
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  • Profile picture of the author RentItNow
    Without reading the page or posts I can tell you:

    1) You need to answer after each sentence the question, "So what?" Realize the reader is reading, "From the desk of .....(headline!)" So what? "Why do I care about what comes from your desk. Who are you? Why should I listen."

    2) "Warning?" Never use negatives unless you know what you are doing in a headline, any line!

    3) Title of the book shows no benefit to your target. Something like "Million Dollar Profit in Franchising, Even in Bad Times." Something that shows results, not process.

    4) Blog format is KILLING YOU. People are coming on expecting content and get a sales pitch and are POed and leave. SELL them. Don't try to fool someone about to invest $100,000 BUCKS! Believe me, they are smarter than you! I have dealt with landlords that own millions in real estate and the first thing I do is listen AND NEVER MAKE IT LOOK LIKE I CAN DELIVER MORE THAN WHAT I PROMISE! They are millionaires in a bad time that their regular money making process is not working and come to me because someone told them I know what to do in bad times uniquely bad times, I might add). I don't try to make it look like I know more than them. I dont! But I do show I can and will help them, FOR A PRICE. Do the same with your page/book.
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    I have no agenda but to help those in the same situation. This I feel will pay the bills.
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  • Profile picture of the author nontemplates
    Well I am not a copywriting coach so I am going to give it to you as a non coaching reader with a background in sales and writing.

    Your Title sells no sizzle. A warning didn't do it for me but the excitement value was there - just buried. It could have read


    "This year you could buy a successful franchise with little or no money down"

    or something off that line and you would have held my attention. then in your opening paragraph I would have liked to read that you were writing this while sitting in your own franchise in a line or two followed by "my life wasn't always like this" and then go into your story. I needed a bait to not think of it as some sob story tell me your life scenario.

    I wanted to taste your life. I wanted to be put in your position and see myself changing things around just as you did. I'm not interested in your story until I am in it.

    I'd be interested in what your bounce rate is. Check your log stats to see how long people are staying on the page. If its a short time then its nothing else but the copy turning them off.
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